A/N: I take no credit for the makeover described in this chapter. Google "Bleach 2007 calendar", click Images, and you should find my source of inspiration pretty easily :P
Disclaimer: you know the drill.
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Transparent diversion - Black makeover
"Rangiku-san, please remind me again: why exactly am I here?"
"Because you're the only one with a sense of fashion who's not stuck doing... What do they call it again? Ah yes, homework."
"... I see."
Ayasegawa did not seem convinced, and Toushirou could hardly blame him. After all, it was not like Matsumoto had even, just once, asked him for his advice on anything before deciding to try on a piece of clothing (and buy it); in fact, she did not listen to him even when he gave her a piece of his mind anyway. So as far as the Captain was concerned, it could not have been more obvious that all this masquerade was nothing more than a red herring. And Ayasegawa, bless him, had many faults but stupidity was not one of them. Toushirou could not help but sneer when the Fifth Seat asked, in that airy, unconcerned tone of his:
"Say, it wouldn't have anything to do with today being my birthday and Ikkaku wanting me out of the way, would it?"
"Nooooooo, of course not! What are you thinking!?"
Matsumoto was putting on the innocent act - big time. Did she really think it actually worked? Ayasegawa sighed.
"You're right, what am I thinking? ... Say, this blouse would look superb on you."
"Eeehhh? Are you kidding me?"
Toushirou clearly caught the smirk on the Fifth Seat's face, and figured that this was Ayasegawa's idea of revenge: suggesting that Matsumoto try on a very loose, very long and very covering garment. To his credit, Toushirou had to concede that the trick seemed to be working: Matsumoto looked sincerely indignant.
The Captain checked the time again and sighed deeply. How could it have been only one hour since his Lieutenant had dragged him and the 11th Divisioner to the mall? It felt more like three hours, what with the non-stop squealing, and the running through shop after shop, and the carrying of bags that seemed to be multiplying so fast that Toushirou was starting to develop dirty theories about them.
And there she was at it again.
"Oooh, Yumichika! Look. At. This!"
"... Hmm, Rangiku-san?"
"Yes?"
"That's a men's clothing store."
"I know that, you silly!"
"Oh. Then what...?"
"Not for me. For you!"
Toushirou had to admit, the look on Ayasegawa's face was priceless.
"For me!?"
"Yes. You'd loo-"
"Are you friggin' insane, woman!?"
There was something eerily reminiscent of Zaraki-taichou and Madarame in the way the Fifth Seat was suddenly looking and yelling at Matsumoto. But as Toushirou knew only too well, his Lieutenant was not the type to be so easily intimidated.
"No I'm not. Come on, you'll see."
It must be the sheer shock; that had to be the only possible explanation as to why Ayasegawa actually let her grab him by the arm, pull him into the shop and shove him into the dressing-room. He soon recovered his spirit though.
"I am not putting those on!"
"Sure you are... Don't make me come in there!"
"... You wouldn't dare!?"
The shop attendants were already giving them wary looks, so Toushirou figured it might be better to intervene before those two idiots unsheathed their zanpakutou or something.
"Trust me, Ayasegawa, she would dare."
No sound came from the dressing-room for a few moments. Then Toushirou clearly heard a zipper being pulled and he sighed in relief; disaster avoided - for now.
"You're done yet?"
"... Yes."
"Come out then!"
"No. I hate black. I wear it every day in Soul Society, remember?"
"Sure I do, and you look gorgeous in it. Come on, get out!"
A sigh. "Fine."
Well, what did you know? Toushirou hated to admit it, but Matsumoto was actually right for once: Ayasegawa did look great in that outfit. The tight black jeans and short-sleeved dress shirt showed off his thin figure and graceful demeanour in ways that his shihakusho could never hope to achieve.
Matsumoto already knew she had won; her squealing took on a definite ear-piercing quality.
"Oh my goodness, Yumichika! Look at yourself!"
He did. And tried to scowl. But did not quite manage. In fact, Toushirou would have sworn that the Fifth Seat was trying very hard not to smile. Matsumoto was not fooled either:
"We're totally taking it!"
Ayasegawa smirked again. "I don't have any money on me, and I seem to remember you complaining just, oh, five minutes ago, that you'd already maxed out your banking card for the week."
She whipped another plastic rectangle out of her purse, and Toushirou felt his blood run cold for a second; where and when had she gotten her hands on that?
"No problem. Birthday present from the 10th Division to you!"
"What the... Matsumoto!"
There was no way he was going to let her use his banking card to buy someone else an ultra-expensive birthday present!
"Aww, don't worry Captain, we're getting you something too. Just stay right here, I noticed the perfect thing when we came in."
"Wha- Matsumoto!"
But she was already gone. Toushirou could not quite believe it; even after all the years he had known her, she still managed to take him off-guard.
"Quite a handful, isn't she?"
He turned to face the leering Fifth Seat. "Look who's talking."
Ayasegawa frowned - then smiled again. "Candy is way less expensive than clothes."
Toushirou was not going to let him win this one. "She's going to grow up, sooner or later."
That did it. Ayasegawa gulped and a hint of fear flashed in his eyes as the thought of a teenage, clothes-obsessed Kusajishi Yachiru ran through his mind - especially since they both knew that Zaraki-taichou and Third Seat Madarame would not hesitate one second before dumping the shopping business on the Fifth Seat.
Then Ayasegawa looked up, and an unmistakably triumphant smile settled on his face. Dread filled Toushirou as his Vice-Captain locked her arms around his neck, her boobs landed on his shoulders, and she chirped happily in his ears:
"Here, Captain, your turn!"
