As he drove away Tommy thought more about Barbara's reaction. It had puzzled him at first because her eyes at the pub had told him she loved him, something confirmed by the way she had held him. Then he cursed himself for his stupidity. Barbara did not understand that he loved her. With her ridiculous class warfare views she needed more than meaningful looks to believe that. He had tried to infer it but Tommy could imagine what she must have thought when a man with his reputation made advances. Barbara had once uncharitably referred to one of his one-night stands as a 'charity shag'. Is that what she thought I was doing?
He pulled over to the side of the road to think. He had to settle this tonight before she convinced herself he was only trying to make her feel better. He made a u-turn and hurried back towards her flat, running through what he would say when he knocked on her door. Maybe I should just sweep her into my arms and kiss her!
He sensed rather than heard the car approaching. The light had been green but there was a blast on a horn as he crossed the intersection. There was a squeal of brakes and a crunch of metal at his shoulder before his car began to spin and roll end over end. "Barbara," he screamed before he hit his head on the door frame and everything went black.
As she ran Barbara thought about his old car. It always smelt of warm leather and his woody aftershave. She loved that car almost as much as he did but she would never have admitted it. He hated it being touched or scratched so he would have been devastated to know it had been ruined in an accident. Barbara swore and wondered why she was worried about a damned car when...she was avoiding thinking about him lying twisted and broken.
She saw the flashing blue and green lights ahead. Police had already cordoned off the scene but a ghoulish crowd had gathered to see what horrors they could later say they had witnessed. She briefly glimpsed his car lying forlornly on its roof like a beetle that had lost the fight to turn over. A large indentation near the driver's door was smudged with black paint from the impact. There was nobody around the car and no sheet at the window. Tommy's body must have been removed already. A smaller black sports car was beside it. Its front had concertinaed almost back to the rear seat. She knew that the driver could not have survived.
"DS Havers CID," she hissed at a pimply-faced constable as she flashed her warrant card and pushed her way under the police tape. "How many dead? Who's in charge?"
"Two sergeant and they are trying to cut a third from the sports car. Inspector Hodge is in charge. Over there by the ambulance."
Barbara skirted around the cars having the presence of mind not to contaminate the scene. Two black sheets lay ominously on the road. Barbara let out a mewling cry but held herself back from running over and lifting them to find Tommy. She turned back towards the ambulance when she saw a figure sitting forlornly on the kerb wrapped in a silver space blanket and breathing oxygen. An unruly lock of dark hair flopped over the man's left eye. "Tommy!" she yelled as tears streamed down her face. Perhaps she had been crying all along.
He looked up as she ran over. He tried to pull off his mask but the paramedic forced it back over his nose and mouth before turning to Barbara, "and you are?"
Barbara flashed her warrant card. "DS Barbara Havers, Inspector Lynley's partner."
The man smiled. "Good he's been asking for you. He has blurry vision and mild concussion and when the adrenaline wears off he'll have one hell of a headache. He's in shock too so the shivering is normal. Apart from a few cuts and bruises we can't find any injuries. It's lucky he was driving that old car. It must be built like a tank. Sit with him if you like. We'll take him to hospital soon."
"Thank you," Barbara said gratefully as the paramedic moved discreetly away.
She lowered herself to the kerb next to Tommy who had not taken his eyes off her since she had called his name. "I'm sorry Sir, this is all my fault."
Tommy shook his head. "Mine," he croaked, "I was coming back."
"I heard the crash but thought you were well away. When Hillier rang, I...I thought you were dead. I ran here. I don't even know why but I had to see for myself. I wanted so desperately to take back that last hour. I should have asked you to stay."
Tommy grinned at her. "I wish you had."
"Are you okay?" He was pale and shivery and looked like he was struggling to breathe. Despite the reassurances of the paramedic Barbara was worried.
"It wasn't my fault," he said quietly, "they were speeding and ran a red light but they died Barbara. I saw the look on the driver's face. He knew he would die. "
"You can't blame yourself Sir."
"Every time I close my eyes I can see him; see how scared he was. I think he thought I'd die too. He looked apologetic. I should be lying there beside him. I should be dead Barbara."
"It wasn't your time Sir. Your old car looked after you when you needed her."
"My car... she looks so sad."
"Better to lose her than your life. I'll miss it but I don't know how I would have coped without you," she said earnestly then added a quiet, "if I would have coped." Barbara took his hand and held it. He squeezed it painfully but she did not complain. She was so relieved he was alive.
They sat silently until the paramedics returned and lifted Tommy onto a gurney and into the ambulance. Barbara looked on feeling helpless.
"You can escort him ma'am if you'd like."
They were at the hospital for over eight hours. Tommy had scans to check there were no hidden internal injuries and was then kept in Emergency for observation. Barbara had called his mother and reassured her Tommy was fine and would ring her tomorrow. His mother asked a thousand questions and wanted to come to London. "Why don't you discuss it with him tomorrow before you come all this way?" she suggested diplomatically. She eventually escaped the call, glad that his mother had acquiesced.
Hillier called in when Tommy was having x-rays and engaged Barbara in nervous conversation. He kept staring at her orange and green pyjamas. "Lion King. I ran straight over when you rang Sir," she explained, "I didn't have time to change."
"You hung up before I could tell Lynley seemed fine."
"Perhaps next time Sir you could phrase it as 'Inspector Lynley is fine but he was involved in a fatal accident'. Then I might not have panicked."
"You're right Barbara, I'm sorry. I know how close you two are."
Barbara did a double-take. Hillier had apologised AND called her by her given name. "Yeah, we are." And this would never have happened if I'd allowed him to be closer.
Tommy insisted on being discharged as soon as the legal minimum retention time expired but the doctors would only permit it if he was signed into the care of a responsible adult for twenty-four hours. He looked over and grinned at Barbara. "Apart from the pyjamas Sergeant Havers is an adult."
Tommy was sore and was thankful to be taken by wheelchair to the cab. He had not realised how nervous he was until the cab started to move. Barbara must have sensed it and had taken his hand. He nodded appreciatively and held it until they pulled up at his house.
"I'd like a shower but I don't think I can stand. Could you help me upstairs to bed?"
Barbara took some of his weight as he slowly climbed the steps. He was aching all over but the doctors had told him it would pass soon. He fell gratefully onto his bed. Barbara removed his shoes and socks. "It's okay, I can manage," he said as she reached for his trousers. He might enjoy that later under other circumstances but not now.
"It's nearly six o'clock. Do you want breakfast?" she asked awkwardly. This was uncomfortable for both of them.
"A cup of tea would be nice." Tommy did not want tea but it would give him a chance to disrobe and put on his pyjamas. He would like a sleep and relief from his thumping head but he also wanted to talk.
When Barbara returned he was sitting in bed in a pair of navy silk pyjamas. "Thank you Barbara."
"My pleasure Sir. Can I get you anything else?"
He shook his head and they drank their tea in silence. Barbara was perched nervously on the very edge of his bed. "You should rest Sir. I'll sleep over there," she said pointing to the chaise lounge under the window, "in case you need me."
"What I need Barbara is for you to sleep in here with me," he said boldly patting the bed beside him. "I want to sleep with you in my arms so I know we are both safe." It was a gamble that he hoped would provoke the discussion they needed to have now.
"Sir, it's understandable that you feel out of sorts after your accident but..."
"Yes, I am 'out of sorts' but because I was a fool rather than the accident. I was driving back to your flat to tell you that I do notice you, very much as it happens, and I need you. So not only do you mean something to me, you mean everything to me. I should have said so when I had you in my arms but we don't always need words do we? But after I left you I thought about the fear and uncertainty in your eyes. You believed I was offering a service and only responding to your comments at the pub but I wasn't Barbara. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to stay. I wanted to make love to you but you didn't seem ready and I didn't want you to regret it or be upset. I left but as I drove I realised you didn't understand that I love you Barbara."
She stared at him. "You love me?"
"Yes! I thought you knew that ages ago. Besides I've been courting you for weeks."
"Have you?"
"Lunches, dinners. We have been going out more than just a drink after work. Oh Barbara I'm sorry. I thought you understood that our relationship was changing. I thought your mid-life crisis was because you were unsure where everything was heading but it really was about grey hairs wasn't it?"
She nodded. "It seemed natural going out with you. I never even thought..."
"Remember that night at your flat? We didn't use the word but we told each other then that this was much more than friendship didn't we? I had too much baggage, too many things to sort out, too much guilt and confusion. But knowing that one day we would both be free to act kept me afloat during some very rough times."
"I thought that night perhaps you felt something but then Helen came back and it all changed."
"I'm sorry Barbara. I know I've hurt you through my insecurities and stupidity but tonight when I thought I would die, the only thing I regretted was not telling you how I felt. The rest of my mistakes are just background noise."
"I...I don't know what to think. Tonight has been...too much."
"Don't think about anything except that moment you first thought I was dead. Then you'll know what you feel."
Barbara kicked off her shoes and slipped out of her coat. Tommy smiled lovingly as he lifted the duvet so she could lie beside him. She snuggled up to him and they both sighed. Their arms locked around the other and they hugged almost violently as if each were trying to merge with into other. Tommy's idea of sleeping peacefully in her arms was abandoned as soon as he looked in her eyes. There was no barrier, no uncertainty and no fear. Their lips met in a tentative kiss. He could feel her heart thumping against his chest. They were both nervous.
Tommy's lips were so much softer than hers and it surprised Barbara. She had never kissed someone beyond the closed-mouth touch of lips that was happening now. She wondered if she should tell him or just follow his lead. His lips were twitching and moving beneath hers as if trying to suck her top lip. She let him and mimicked him on his bottom lip. Instinct kicked in as she forgot about her fears and thought only about how good it felt to have Tommy kissing her. She was vaguely disappointed when a while later he stopped.
"Barbara, I'm sorry, as much as I want this my head is pounding and I'm too sore to make love to you the way I want to love you."
She smiled. "We can wait until you're better. I'm not going anywhere."
"Good neither am I." They snuggled down to sleep. "Barbara."
"Mmm?"
"I love you. I just thought you should know."
"I do. I love you too Tommy. Now go to sleep and get better so you can show me."
"I heal fast," he said cheekily, a point he proved to great delight a few hours later.
