The Faith in the Dream
Chapter 2 - Bones
"Damn it!" I grabbed my shin in pain as my leg hit the aisle seat. The jerk behind me sighed, annoyed at the hold up. I turned and glared at him as I angled left to continue maneuvering my way down the narrow airplane aisle. I was distracted. Booth had distracted me. At least now, I could focus. Go to the Maluku islands and do what I do best. I'd felt off kilter for the last month or so. I wasn't getting work done the same way. I found myself caring less about the cases. My mind wasn't working the way it should. I kept thinking about Booth. How he was reacting to me. Why he wasn't calling me or coming by the way he used to. How he was feeling. I'd be in the middle of identifying an impact point on a bone and he would wander into my mind. The only thing I could deduce was that somehow Booth and this "family" that we had created was causing me to be less efficient than I used to be. I mapped the exact time of change to the night Booth told me he wanted to try to have a relationship beyond work. Logically, it made sense. We spent most of our time together anyway. We were both attractive people. I was definitely attracted to him. I was pretty sure he was attracted to me. He was a fantastic kisser and I was sure we'd have great sex. The problem was that when he told me my response was quite illogical. All the sudden I couldn't breathe. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. He was talking about love not an arrangement. I couldn't love. I had evidence that love didn't ended up well for me. Love had hurt me growing up. Love caused my family to leave me. I couldn't imagine Booth leaving me. I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it. Psychologically, I knew why I was reacting this way. I'd been wrapped in the cocoon I'd created for protection so long that I couldn't figure out how to really open the thing. For Booth, I wanted to try. Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to fight myself, but it wouldn't work. The fear had been with me too long. So instead, I broke our hearts. When I told him no, I visibly saw something I'd never seen in him before, defeat.
"Hello…" I said after fishing my cell out of the rather large purse I used as a carry-on bag. I barely heard the phone ring as I walked down the airplane stairs to the tarmac. The propellers were so loud I could barely hear myself think.
"Brennan…Brennan! It's Angela. Can you hear me?"
I pushed the phone closer to my ear. "Just barely… Hold on a second. I'm walking through the airport doors." The sliding glass doors closed behind me and I finally heard some sense of quiet. "Ang, I'm here. Much better now."
"So I see you got there safely. "
"Yep, I just have to find this hotel they have us staying in. That should be an adventure in itself." I found a chair and sat down to unzip my suitcase and fish for my hotel directions.
"Hodgins and I are just about to get on a plane to Paris and I promised.."
I interrupted. "Paris, when did you decide to go to Paris?"
"About two hours after you and Booth actually made good on your plan to go to opposite corners of the earth. I think Hodgins knew I was a little depressed so he surprised me."
"That's a great surprise. Tell Hodgins well done." I was still searching for my paperwork when my fingers touched the small pig I'd thrown in to my bag just as I was leaving the condo. I pulled it out and held it in my hand.
"I will. So…back to my original reason for calling. Hodgins told me he would not get on the plane until I got this off my chest."
"Yes?" I didn't like it when Angela announced that she had something to say. It usually meant that she'd had some grand realization and had been sitting on it until she couldn't take it anymore.
"I'm so disappointed in you and Booth. But mostly you. There I said it."
"And may I ask why?" I knew my car had to be at baggage claim by now, but they would just have to wait.
"He poured his heart out to you and you told him no. And now you're leaving him? You're just going to let him go to Afghanistan? I don't understand it. I know you want him. How could you just let him go?" I heard a Hodgins groan on the other side of the line. This was obviously going to be a long discussion and he was ready to get on a plane to see the Eiffel Tower.
"Ang, Booth is a grown man. I can't control what he does…"
"…but sweetie, you can tell him how you feel." She interrupted. "You never told him how you feel. First, it is beyond my understanding how you can refuse a man that hot, but let's put that aside." Another Hodgins groan let loose with a "are you really going to just blurt that out while your husband's standing right here?"
" Shut up, honey… Anyway, putting that aside. You love him. Why aren't you telling him? "
"You know I don't believe in love. It's not a rational emotion. " I involuntarily squeezed the pig in my hand, and smiled as I remembered how I received it.
"Ok… so what you're telling me is you don't care that Booth is going to move on? "
"I don't know what you're asking me. I understand that Booth needs to find an appropriate companion. Anthropologically speaking, it's the order of things. It's the way we procreate." I looked at my watch. It was a quarter past 2 and I was tired from the day of travel.
"I get that, sweetie. Ok, let me be really clear and break it down for you. I'm asking you if you mind that Booth will find a woman that enjoys kissing him, hugging him, spending time with him and making love to him. And I'm asking if when he finds this woman, because he will find her due to his hotness, if it will bother you that he's not doing those things with you."
I was quiet for a moment. I needed to really process what Angela was asking me. Then all of the sudden, I pictured it in my mind. It was a weird shift. When I imagined Booth doing any of these things, it was always with me. When I changed the image, the sight of the "other woman" caused a sharp pain in my chest. I shook it off and answered.
"It is what it is, Ang. I can't get in the way of what he needs to do. Can I call you when I get settled?" I zipped the bag back up, stood and prepared for the long walk down the terminal.
"Yeah, Brennan… We'll talk later, but don't think for a moment that I believe anything that you just said."
"Ok, Ang. I'll talk to you soon." I threw the cell in my bag. I started walking down the corridor to my new adventure.
Today had been a long day. We'd spent no less than five hours digging in an area that actually end up producing nothing substantial. The jungle heat was abusive. The mosquitoes were relentless and I was more tired than I'd been in a very long time. On the way back to our hotel, the driver was hitting every bump on the gravel road so along with everything else I was developing motion sickness. A shower, a glass of wine, and bed was all I could think about. When we finally arrived, I jumped out and stepped to the back of the jeep to grab my bag.
"You look tired, Bones." The familiar voice said. I turned quickly thinking I'd finally started hallucinating due to the heat. When my eyes connected with the source of the sound, I froze. Booth was leaning up against the stucco hotel wall, arms crossed, dressed in khakis and a white shirt. I couldn't see his eyes behind his dark sunglasses, but I knew they were smiling at me as usual.
"Wha.. What are you doing here?" I dropped the bag on the ground as the jeep sped off, hitting a random tree branch as it turned the corner.
"I ended up having a few more days before I have to leave for Afghanistan so I decided that I'd keep you company." He pushed himself of the wall, leaned down to grab my bag and slung it across his shoulder.
"This is not exactly around the corner, Booth. Did you go ADOL?"
"AWOL, Bones. The term is AWOL. And no, I'm not enlisted so I can come and go as I please. " He grabbed my hand and started walking toward the hotel entrance. "Why are we still out here? Air conditioning is a good thing."
As I walked, I found myself still blinking and wondering if I was imagining him. His hand felt warm in mine. I was definitely being pulled a certain direction. It was his voice. But still, he just didn't seem real. Once we were safely inside the double doors, he turned to look at me.
"Bones, why are you looking at me like you've seen a ghost? I'm here. Present and accounted for. Stop looking like you're trying to solve an X-File."
"I'm sorry. It's just that you're not supposed to be here. I left you in DC. "
"Yeah… but things change, right? That's why the good Lord gave us free will."
"Booth… we have free will because we have minds that allow us to make decisions. Not because of some deity in the sky. "
"I'm not going there with you right now. Just accept the intent of the statement, ok?" Booth turned toward the bar, nodded at two seats in the corner, and placed his hand on my back to guide me in the general direction. All of the sudden, I was having a hard time breathing. It was like a dream and a nightmare for him to really be here with me.
"What can I get for you?" The waitress said in a heavy accent. She smiled, ignored me and focused on Booth. Apparently, Angela wasn't the only woman who found him hot.
"We'd love two glasses of chardonnay, please." He gave her his boothy crooked smile, turned and placed both hands on the table. "So…anything new?"
"New? You just flew half way across the world. What is wrong with you?"
"A lot of things, Bones, but we'll talk about that later. Just know that I didn't do anything rash."
I looked at him for a long time in an attempt to uncover what "things" he was talking about, but it was Booth, the king of interrogation and hidden information. I knew I wasn't going to get the answer until he decided he was ready to share it.
When we got to the elevators, Booth punched the up button with the side of his hand. We'd spent the better part of three hours catching up on everything. Angela and Hodgins trip to Paris. The dig. Sweets and his new musical direction. All of it. We'd downed about two glasses of wine each and really just had a good time talking.
"What floor are you on?" I said reaching into my backpack for the key to my room.
"I asked for the same floor you were on. I can walk you to your door." He glanced to the side as he pulled his key out of his wallet.
"Great. I always love chivalry." The elevator doors opened and we stepped in.
We stood in silence for a couple of minutes as the floors passed and then I had to ask. "Why did you really come to see me?"
Booth sighed, closed his eyes tightly, and then looked down at the elevator floor. "I can't do it."
Puzzled for a moment, I tried to decipher what he was saying. I determined I needed clarification.
"What can't you do?" I turned and watched his face.
"I can't let you go." His tone was matter of fact as he looked directly into my eyes. "I already know what you're going to say, but I need you to know that it doesn't matter. I've decided that I'm not leaving here without you."
"Booth… we've had this conversation."
"Yes, but I didn't get a real chance to make my case. You just decided. And I shouldn't have let you call the shots." The elevator doors opened and his hand went to the small of my back to guide me down the hallway. I shivered at the contact.
"What are you talking about? I should have a say over whom I decide to enter into a relationship with. We are way past the 18th century." My small suite was only around the corner from the bank of elevators. I slid the card into the slot, watched the light immediately glow green and turned the knob, cracking the door.
Booth grabbed my hand. "We really need to talk about this. You owe me that much."
"Alright, come in. Let's talk." I pushed the door open completely and held it so he could follow me in. "What do you have to say?" I said hitting the light switch.
"It's not about me. I said what I needed to say that night with only one exception." He turned to look at me. "You need to tell me why you won't give us a chance."
"I told you. You want forever. I don't believe in forever. It's not in a human's nature to be with one person for the rest of their life. It's not rational to even imagine it. "
"Aw…Bones," He said racking his hand through his hair. "We've talked about this before. It is rational. There are marriages that have lasted 50, 60 years. They met, fell in love and it was the person that they were supposed to be with. "
"There are also many marriages that fail." I lifted my chin in protest.
"And what was the variable?" Booth said looking at me intently. "When you look at scientific evidence, you're always tossing around this 'variable' term to make sure your evidence hasn't been tainted, right? Are you taking it into account now? "
I looked at him, but didn't know what to say.
"The variable, Bones, is who is in the relationship. Yeah… there are marriages that fail. And yes, there are marriages that are complete successes. The success or failure of a relationship is all about the people in it."
"I don't understand what you're saying." I said leaning against the wall.
"I'm saying… this is you and me. Not anyone else. This will work for us. I have no doubt about it. So you can toss around all that scientific mumbo jumbo about rationale and evidence, but I know you. I get it."
I rubbed my forehead and pulled my hair out of the ponytail I'd been wearing all day. "What do you get? "
"You're scared. Plain and simple. I'm scared too, but not about this. I'm afraid you'll actually keep this from happening and I know what we can be together. I know what it will cost us if we don't seize this opportunity."
"I can't make a long term relationship work, Booth. I've tried. And I know what it will do to us when we break up. That's why we have to move on."
Booth stepped forward. "You haven't tried it with me. Those other men were not me. I think that's part of the problem in your mind. You know that you can do your worst and I won't leave you. "
"I don't want to take the risk. What if I don't feel things the way you feel them? What if you finally get tired of trying to open up my heart? I don't want to risk tearing our friendship apart. I can't lose you."
"First, I know who you are. You have an open heart. You just don't wear it on your sleeve. It beats and it feels emotion just like 'normal' people do. The only difference is you've tricked yourself into believing that nobody notices it. You're not as good as you think you are, Bones. I know it's there. I've seen it too many times."
"Then, why isn't this easy. Why can't I just do what you're asking of me?" I said.
"You don't trust yourself when it's about your heart and you should. Your family left you. I know it hurt more than I will ever know. I also know that you took that pain and used it to focus on being the best you could be. Why can't you use it to focus on having the love you deserve?"
"Think rationally for once! There's too much at stake for us to do this. If it fails, if something happens to you or me, it will tear everything apart. I don't know how I would react to losing you, but I'm fairly certain I would fall apart."
"Haven't we already seen the worst? Tell me how you felt when the gravedigger put me in that ship, when the doctors diagnosed me with the tumor, when I got shot? How did it affect you? You almost lost me then. But you fought, you did what you do. You didn't accept failure. Why would it be any different? "
I considered what he said. The thing that he didn't know was that I had almost fallen apart. The others didn't see it, but the fear of losing him had gripped me in those moments. So much that I'd almost been paralyzed. But he was right, I pulled it together because the option was unacceptable to me. I didn't accept failure then. Why was it so easy for me to accept it now? Why didn't I believe in my ability to fight for what we had?
"Listen, Bones. This WILL work. I promise you. What we feel is too strong to break." He walked towards me until we were face to face and placed his hand on the wall behind me. I didn't know whether to stand still or run. My legs wouldn't move.
"What was the exception?" I said.
"Huh? Exception?"
"You said that you said what you needed to say with one exception."
"Oh yeah…" He lifted his hand and brushed my newly cut bangs away from my face. "I'm in love with you… always have been and always will be."
My heart burst open and I couldn't stop myself from wrapping my arms around him. Slowly, he eased back so he could put some space between us.
"I've loved you since the first day I met you, Bones. I just didn't know how to tell you."
I looked at him and remembered everything. The whole five years. His comfort, strength, and instinct had become a necessity to me. The way his eyes twinkled when he looked at me, the way he changed my approach to everyday life. It was because of him that I got my brother and father back. It was through his eyes that I began to see the beauty of human connection. It was his determination and pursuit of justice that built the team that I now called family. The world was a bigger more beautiful place because he was in it.
I reached up, placed my hand on his cheek and rose up on my toes. "I love you too, Booth. I don't know who I really am without you." I whispered in his ear. He smiled and softly placed his lips to mine. "And I really love doing that," I murmured when we parted.
"Anthropologically speaking, it is quite normal for humans to love skin to skin contact. I believe that's the reason most sexual relationships start with the kissing." Booth said in his best "Bones" voice.
My hands slid underneath the bottom of his shirt. "Interesting hypothesis, let's test your theory."
THE END
