I, of course, do not own these characters, they belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Chapter 1
(BPOV)
Ugh.
I slowly opened one eye as the brightness of the day invaded my sleep. Damn it all to hell, why is that so fucking bright and why am I chewing on cotton balls and what is that wonderful smell?
I slowly rolled over in the bed, hmm these sheets don't look familiar, only to find another person in the bed with me. I panicked for a moment trying to gather my memory of the previous night when I recognized the mass of bronze colored hair. It was in disarray and I smiled, until I realized it was sex hair. Then I realized it was sex hair that I had created and it all came flooding back in a wave of nausea I could barely contain. I took some deep breaths trying to calm myself.
What have I done? I fucked my best friend, shit what do I do. I could call my best friend and get his opinion, oh right he's the one laying in bed next me naked.
I turned to look at him again and suddenly felt calmer. An unrecognizable feeling washed over me as my eyes settled on his perfect shoulders, and then his perfect neck, and then his hair… oh no.
I drew my gaze away, focusing on anything but him. I found what looked like a stuffed animal sitting on his dresser and let my eyes attach to it. Wait, is that a fucking Furby, really a Furby? Focus Bella.
I quickly realized what was happening; the utterly ridiculous girl in me was associating best friend sex with love. Nope, no way, nada, not gonna happen, kick that in the ass now.
Rationally I knew that what I was feeling had to be a result of last night. I was hurt and he was there to pick up the pieces, again. I did love him, like a brother. Is that right? Am I really trying to convince myself incest is okay because that would somehow be better than really loving Edward.
I eased my curious little eyeballs back in his direction. An amazing sense of tranquility overtook me as I watched the small movements his body made as he breathed. The muscles in his back twitched and stretched with each inhale and I knew I needed to see more. I leaned up on my elbow raising my head just enough to see his profile.
Had he always been so beautiful? How have I missed this?
As I stared at him my mind drifted over the years. I thought of him in high school and college. I thought of him sans shirt by the pool and grinning ear to ear when he was accepted to med school. The truth was I had always been aware of his striking appearance. I remembered the kiss we shared on the train platform so many years ago and how awestruck I was by him. His face, his tenderness, the way he barely touched my face like he was afraid I might break under his unsteady hands. I shook my head bringing my brain from the boy I knew in the past to the man I was lying next to in the present.
I let my gaze follow the contours of his face. His strong jaw was covered in stubble, his lips were pink and slightly parted, his eyes were closed and he looked peaceful. I started wondering if what I was feeling was more than residual lust. My mind wandered as I thought of Edward and me together, as a couple. We looked happy. We laughed and talked just like always but there was something else there. There was a spark, in my daydream we had a spark. I continued to stroll through my imaginary Edwardian utopia and could clearly see that after the talking and laughing there was kissing and love making. Am I really considering this?
Yes. I really am.
All this time I thought I was looking for something unattainable. I went from guy to guy never feeling like I belonged with any of them. I was hurt and I hurt others. In my desperate attempts to find love and acceptance I found every lousy guy out there. Some stuck around long enough to break my heart and other hearts I broke before they could have the chance.
As I delved into my ghosts of relationships past I decided I couldn't do this to Edward. Looking at him I knew I couldn't induct him into the crappy relationship hall of fame that was my life. I cared too much about him to be with him, I was not nearly good enough for him, and I thought I might die as I considered being left by him.
Nope, this is wrong. He deserves better than me and I couldn't live through the moment he figured that out.
I tried to convince myself to get up and slip out the door before he awoke. I had let myself get wrapped up in a daydream and now it was time to back out gracefully. I sat up and as I swung my legs off the bed my foot got caught in the sheet and I headed towards the floor. In a stroke of genius I reached out for the night table and stabilized myself, at the expense of the lamp. The lamp fell over and Edward sat up so quickly I gasped, lost my grip, and ended up on the floor anyway.
I looked up towards the bed and he was looking down at me. A piece of his hair had fallen into his face, he had that stupid crooked grin on and his eyes… his eyes were different. They were soft and loving? I looked into his green eyes trying desperately to decipher the secret message he was sending me.
I think it's love, could it be he's feeling for me what I might be for him?
In that moment I changed my mind and decided if he could look at me like that there must be something worth fighting for. I did my best to return the look and he reached his hand down to me and helped me up. The moment our hands touched I felt it. Something that had never been there before in all of the touching we had done over the years, a spark. I felt a real live, watch out flammable liquid, lifesaver making spark. I wonder if those lifesavers really spark when you bite them.. hmm…focus on Edward and the look on his face.
I sat down on the bed and for the first time in a very long time I didn't know what to say to my best friend. The silence was deafening. We were never uncomfortable with silence, I knew him well enough that we didn't need words and quiet was always companionable. This was different. This was awkward and clumsy and I hated every second of it.
I turned to him and started to open my mouth to speak but couldn't find the right words to express what I was feeling. What am I feeling? Do I love him? Like really love him? Is that even okay? What is he thinking? I need to know.
I closed my mouth with an audible snap and Edward giggled. That was all it took. I started laughing uncontrollably and the tense moment had passed. Once we contained our giggles Edward turned the full force of his green eyes on me and I understood why girls swooned around him.
"Bella, what are you thinking? Honestly."
"Honestly? I have no fucking clue. I don't know what to make of this, of last night, I don't know much of anything at the moment."Why did I say that? Is that right? I guess it must be.
I briefly sunk my head into my hands and looked up at Edward. The love in his eyes was gone. It hadn't been replaced by the Edward I knew, instead they were cold and void of feeling. I had already screwed this up before I was even sure I wanted something to screw up. I did the only thing I knew how and tried to return the empty stare.
"Well, I guess that was honest. I'll tell you what I'm thinking. Last night was a decent fuck, thanks for that by the way, now let's get with our day."
What. The. Hell?
I was shocked. Shocked might be the underfuckingstatement of the year. Something indescribably terrible had transpired here in the last 2 minutes. The mood in the room went from love and laughter to anger and hurt. I was honest, isn't that what he wanted? I thought I could always be honest with Edward. This was going nowhere good fast and I could feel the heat building in my face and the salty moisture building in my eyes. I need to get out of here now, I cannot handle this.
"Oh yeah, thanks to you too." I tried to put on my best impression of flippant, I was hoping he had bought it. I used every ounce of effort in me to push all of the almost love out of my head and heart and quickly got out of the bed. I grabbed my clothes, quickly got dressed in the bathroom and said good bye as I walked out. I was vaguely aware of people sitting at a table but I was too focused on the front door to confirm my suspicions.
(EPOV)
Sun, I hate you. You are an evil bastard and I wish you would just roll over and die.
As my mind slowly crawled its way out of the foggy darkness that was drunken sleep I became more aware of my surroundings. I was laying on the very edge of my bed, that's odd I usually sleep in the middle, I couldn't hear much besides some birds outside and… someone else breathing? I could hear the small even breaths coming from behind me and was immediately kicked in the balls with a flashback.
I had sex with Bella last night. ShitFuckShit, now what. Whadoido? Oh I know, call my best friend, oh yeah I can't she's next to me naked. Mmm Bella naked…
I allowed myself the distraction of remembering the events of last night. It had all started in the worst kind of way, Bella was upset, we were drunk and I let things go too far. It didn't end that way though. Somewhere in the middle of drunk fucking I could feel everything changing. With each touch, each kiss, I started to feel like I wasn't just fuckin' my best friend, I started to feel like I was… God I can't even fucking think it. My man card will officially be revoked if I even think the phrase "making love" in the same vicinity of drunk fucking.
Man card in hand or not I definitely felt something and I can say with at least some certainty I am still feeling it. It was like being on a drug induced high and I was enjoying every second of it. My senses were overwhelmed with the morning light and Bella's smell. She smelled so fucking good and I can't believe I had never noticed before. I can't believe my best friend had always smelled so good. I had missed out on years of enjoying that wonderful intoxicating smell.
Am I really allowing this to happen? Am I really willing to risk what Bella and I have for a feeling that might be based purely on sex? Is it based on last night? No, I don't think so.
I tried to figure out what to say to her,
"Uh Bella last night was great I love you." Nope
"Bella I think I love you, it's not just the sex talking" No.
"It turns out your really hot, let's fuck again." Definitely no.
Just as I was deciding that I wanted more with Bella and my plan was becoming more concrete I could hear a rustling noise emanating from her corner of the bed. Hmm her corner of the bed, I like the sound of that. The rustling was quickly replaced by a loud bang as my lamp fell over. I shot up and watched as Bella gaped at me and immediately hit the floor. I did my best to contain my laughter as I leaned over the end of the bed and stared down at her. She looked up at me with the warmest eyes I have ever seen.
She was looking at me like she loved me. At least I think that's what it was. Her eyes were soft and deep and I was hoping my gaze mirrored that. After helping her back onto the bed and laughing our way past the most awkward silence of my life I finally turned to her and asked her the one thing I absolutely needed to know.
"Bella, what are you thinking? Honestly."
"Honestly? I have no fucking clue. I don't know what to make of this, of last night, I don't know much of anything at the moment." Whoa. That is not what I was expecting.
I don't know why I was so bothered but her words cut through me like nothing I have ever experienced. The moment the knife went in I felt all the love I thought I had spill out and get replaced with something much darker. I was so sure there was something more here, I really thought that maybe I wasn't just the dickhead who fucked his best friend. Her uncertainty in this moment spoke volumes. Her uncertainty meant that my certainty wasn't real. I was the guy that did this, that fucked this up. Oh well Edward so much for love, suck that shit up and let's get this over with.
"Well, I guess that was honest. I'll tell you what I'm thinking. Last night was a decent fuck, thanks for that by the way, now let's get with our day."
As soon as the words left my mouth I knew they were wrong. I knew they sounded much worse out in the air than they did in my head. I knew that she was just being honest and I was the asshole who couldn't handle it. I knew I had just hurt my best friend. The look in her eyes was all I needed. She responded coolly but I could see the hurt in her damp eyes. As she picked up her stuff and left everything immediately felt wrong. The bed felt empty, the apartment felt empty, I felt empty. Something changed in me that night, I wasn't sure what but I felt different.
I stared at the ceiling for a while trying to decide what to do next. Do I love her?
I decided the feelings I had were left over lust, must have been. I also decided I needed to talk to Bella, I needed to apologize. A part of me would be forever broken if she were out of my life. I got out of bed with a new resolve and headed for the bathroom.
"Was that Bella who just stormed out here?" Emmett, shit.
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