Author's note:
Now chapter is here and is continuing the story from chapter 1. This chapter has a particularly disturbing conversation between Hidan and Kakuzu so the rating s up a little for that part.
Akatsuki Adventures Part 1: Winter, chapter 2
Now being the organization that it is the Akatsuki had no one who knew how to cook. Kisame could prepare soup and for some reason Kakuzu knew how to make pancakes, but besides that all of the food the Akatsuki ate was delivery or microwaveable. However Pein didn't think that store bought Christmas cookies were right, he wanted the authentic thing, so he looked at his subordinates and chose who he thought would be the best at cooking a meal. The woman.
"This is bullshit!" Konan spat out as she stood over the kitchen counter. "I've never been in front of a stove my entire life and just because I'm a girl he thinks I know how to cook."
Needless to say Konan was rather frustrated with Pein and her new job, and if you don't know how to make Christmas cookies in the first place those things can be a bitch!
"Where the fuck is the flour!" She yelled to no one in particular.
However Deidara was nearby and so he decided to answer. "What do you mean? You don't eat flowers hm. I mean that's just silly."
"No dumbass, the kind of flour for cooking not the plants."
"Oh, that's in the second drawer from the left."
Konan shot him an angry glare and grabbed the flour from the drawer, disregarding directions she dumped about half the box into the mixing bowl and turned her hand into a paper wire whisk.
"So Konan, how do you like your new job hm?" Deidara asked sarcastically.
Without replying Konan's hand shot out, turned into a paper knife and cut Deidara's hair from the middle of his head down.
The hair dropped to the floor with a thud and Deidara looked on speechless.
"That's what you get blondie, now you look like a boy." Konan said to him smirking.
Deidara simply looked up at her mouth agape.
"Oh come on it's not that big a deal, I'm sure all the guys will still go crazy for you. You have such a feminine figure I bet Sasori's having a hard time keeping from staring."
Tears started to well in the Deidara's eyes and he began to sniffle. "Y-your mean!" He started to full on cry and to shut him up Konan threw the completed tray of cookies into his arms.
"Look just shut up and stop bothering me, now put those cookies in the oven and set the timer for ten minutes. I'm going to see Leader about this job." Konan left the crying Deidara to go find her oh so caring and compassionate friend.
In the Akatsuki's living room the rest of the organization was assembled doing various activities. Pein was seated in his chair reading the newspaper. Itachi, with stuffed weasel still wrapped around his neck, was staring unblinkingly at the wall. Kisame was doing a crossword puzzle at the table. Zetsu was half melted into the floor in front of the fireplace. And Hidan and Kakuzu were on the couch arguing over the remote.
Tobi had been sent out to find Sasori and had since not returned.
"What's a five letter word for selachimorpha?"
No one answered.
"Pein where the fuck are you!" Konan yelled as she entered the room. Pein merely sighed and raised his hand. "Okay asshole, I am not doing anymore of the cooking, if you want real homecooked meals take a class and make them yourself!"
"Stop yelling you dumb bitch I'm watching T.V.!" Hidan yelled.
"The hell you are!" Kakuzu yelled and punched Hidan in the face wrenching the remote from his grasp.
Hidan retaliated by tackling Kakuzu off the couch starting a fist fight between the two of them. And while this was going on Deidara walked into the room sporting his new haircut which Hidan just had to make fun of, causing Deidara to enter the brawl as well.
"Anyone know a seven letter word for delphinidae?"
Pein's ears were starting to hurt so he did what every man does when an attractive woman talks to them: Ignore what they're saying and focus on her boobs.
The fight between Deidara, Hidan, and Kakuzu now involved Zetsu and the four of them drowned out all other noise as they proceeded to destroy the living room. Midway in Hidan was thrown into the fire place and when he came out he was engulfed in flames and ran around screaming for somebody to put it out. Unfortunately Zetsu merely bit off his feet.
"Konan please calm down, I'm sure whatever problems you have can be resorted nice and quietly." Pein said.
"Pein, my eyes are up here."
Itachi finally blinked for the first time in thirty minutes. "This wall….. it is mocking me." Itachi said and then tried his best to activate Amaterasu.
"Thank me for the anti-jutsu seals." Pein said.
"How about a four lettered word for a non-tetrapod chordate?"
By now the rolling mass of flailing limbs had reached Pein and Konan and unfortunately for the standing Konan, she was sucked into the mess.
"It's my fucking remote!"
"I'm gonna rip out your damn heart!"
"Why'd you cut my hair!"
"Get the hell off of me!"
"Is it just me or is anyone else getting turned on?"
Pein simply folded his newspaper and looked at the fighting Akastuki members with disdain. "I always thought that Christmas brought out the best in people." Pein said sarcastically.
"Speaking of Christmas, we're gonna be seeing a lot of suicides soon. Tis' the season." Kisame said not looking up from his crossword puzzle.
All of a sudden the front door of the Akatsuki base swung open and in walked Tobi carrying Sasori's frozen form under his arm. "I'm back! And look who I found!" Tobi stood the frozen puppet up and promptly hugged him. "I missed you so much!"
The fighting between the idiots stopped as they stared at Tobi while he hugged Sasori's unresponsive body.
"Master Sasori what happened!" Deidra yelled and ran up to him. "Holy shit you're completely frozen! Tobi where did you find him?"
"I was walking back to the base when I saw him lying in the snow. I tried to make him talk but he wouldn't, he kept giving me the cold shoulder haha."
Everyone face-faulted at Tobi's horrible joke. "Whatever." Pein said. "Just drag him in front of the fireplace until he thaws out. The rest of you can go put up decorations, I'm tired of listening to all your bitching, I still haven't gotten to the Garfield comic."
"Your putting up decorations wrong hm!" Deidara said to Hidan.
"You're full of shit; you can't put decorations up wrong because it's a personal opinion of style so fuck you."
"Since when did you become an artist!?"
"Since you kept bullshitting about matching tableware! And my decorations are fucking awesome yours are gay!"
"They are not gay hm!"
"Kakuzu?"
"Gay."
"You didn't even look!"
"I must destroy this wall it has mocked me and nothing gets away with mocking me inanimate object or not." Itachi said.
"It's just a wall Itachi. I know! How about if you put up some nice tinsel on it? Will that be okay?" Kisame reasoned.
"……. That will suffice."
"Hey less talk more work." Pein said to them from his easy chair.
"Like you're one to talk, you haven't gotten out of that chair all day."
"Akatsuki rule number 2: Leader doesn't have to do anything. Take that bitch."
"Isn't rule number thirteen 'be courteous'. What you just said wasn't very nice."
"Up yours sushi plate."
Hidan walked up to Kakuzu and looked him straight in the eye.
"What do you want?" Kakuzu said.
"Kakuzu we're best friends right?"
"What? Hell no we're not."
"So would you mind if I banged your sister?"
"Wha-what?"
"Yeah, I just totally want to nail your sister, I mean all night long tie her to the bed and then fuck the shit out of her."
"I don't-"
"Just totally ravage her, and then face fuck her till she's completely raw and then totally just explode all over that bitches face."
"Oh God."
"And then I'd tie her back down to the bed and then the kinkiness would start. I'm talking twenty four seven BDSM hardcore shit. So can I bang your sister?"
"Hidan I don't have a sister."
"Oh yes you do, I saw that picture you keep in your drawer, she's got your green eyes and skin color and a body that puts our blue haired bitch to shame."
"Yeah I don't have a sister I had a sister, she's dead."
"Oh….. so Kakuzu can I go dig up your sister's grave and then-"
Kakuzu proceeded to decapitate Hidan.
"Ow! Where's your Christmas spirit? I was just trying to spread the joy…. to me."
"Leader Leader look what Tobi found!" Tobi said as he ran into the room holding a Christmas card.
"A card huh? I wonder who it's from.?" Pein said as he opened the card. Upon opening the card was revealed to be a from Orochimaru, and despite the giver, it had absolutely nothing weird written in it. It was a nice and simple card wishing the Akatsuki a merry Christmas.
"Well do you think we should send him something in return." Konan wondered.
"Already taken care of, as we speak a small explosive device is currently traveling through the mail."
"That's not what I had in mind."
"Oh, well whatever I'm sure he'll enjoy it anyways."
As they were talking the extra layer of ice on Sasori melted off and he was able to move again.
"Oh Sasori you're back! So what the hell happened to you?" Pein asked.
"I was taken away by an incredibly annoying family, luckily when I was brought to their house I was thawed out by the heater. After incinerating the house and destroying the rest of the neighborhood I made my way back here. Unfortunately the cold got to me again and I froze once more. By chance Tobi found me on his way back from looking for me I presume."
"Why do you have a unicorn sticker on your cheek?" Konan asked.
"I guess I missed that one. Also I'd rather not go into detail about my stay at the house of death."
"Very well, new Akatsuki rule number twenty one no one asks about Sasori's stay at the house of death. All in favor?" Pein and Sasori raised their hands. "All opposed?" Everyone else raised their hands. "Well I'm still the leader so the rule passes."
"Whatever, lets get back to putting up fruity ornaments tranny." Hidan said to Deidara.
"Screw you!"
"Do I smell something? It smells like smoke." Zetsu asked.
The rest of the Akatsuki sniffed the air. "Yeah it does smell like smoke, what is that?" Kisame wondered.
"HOLY SHIT I LEFT THE OVEN ON!"
After Deidara's head-splitting scream the Akatsuki ran to the kitchen which, sure enough, was on fire. And due to the anti-jutsu seals resident water expert/firefighter Kisame couldn't do jack shit.
"Why the hell aren't the fire alarms working!" Konan yelled.
"I took out the batteries I never thought we would need them!" Kakuzu said.
"You fucking moron!"
"Wait! I know what to do!" Tobi exclaimed causing the rest of the Akatsuki to stare at him in awe. Tobi pulled off his cloak and started to use it to smother the fire. Of course though Tobi was doing it wrong and instead of smothering the fire was fanning it.
"You stupid freak! You made it worse!" Hidan yelled and in his anger grabbed Tobi and threw him on the fire putting it out with Tobi's body mass.
"Holy shit Hidan did something useful and counter-destructive." Kakuzu said disbelievingly.
"Alright then." Pein said. "Deidara you tend to Tobi's wounds and everyone else can clean up. Man I love the holidays."
End of part 2
Next chapter is the conclusion of Akatsuki winter. And after that the next Akatsuki story will be coming.
