WHAT IF HARRY POTTER HAD FAMILIARS?

A new rage in the wizarding worlds is reviving an old trend; having mystical familiars. More then just pets, these animals and creatures bond on a more intimate mystical level with their owner with awesome results.

Harry's owl Hedwig, when bonding on this level, was now able to transform into a weird hippogriff-like creature, with the bird part being her snow owl parts, and instead of horse parts, it looked more like deer parts.

Harry: Hedwig, you look amazing! I wonder how this ever faded into obscurity.

Hermione: Oddly enough the records about that happening got lost. Must be another war or something.

Hermione was now petting Crookshanks, whom now had taken on the size and proportions of a sabertooth tiger thanks to the familiar effect.

Ron: Who cares how it happened? We got it back now and we are not lending this trend die.

Ron's owl Pigwidgeon has undergone a similar transformation as Hedwig, only with boar parts instead of horse parts and two boar-like tusks at the sides of his beak. Ron was feeding it a huge steak.

Neville: Yeah, no one even maks fun of Trevor anymore.

Neville's toad was now the size of a horse and had horns. He croaked.

?: Hah, you call that a familiar? I call that laughable!

Neville (sighs): Except for Draco Malfoy!

Harry: Oh for crying out loud, Malfoy! Can't you let us enjoy the nice things we have?

Draco Malfoy stood there, like he owned the place, a white peacock on his shoulder. Crabbe and Goyle respectively had their own familiars, a small river troll (which was still pretty big) and a gargoyle respectively (which was so ugly it almost couldn't be told apart from his owner).

Draco: No! I have much nicer things. One of my family's prestigious peacocks puts all of your familiars to shame. Come on, Albedo, show them how great you are.

The Peacock transformed into a flash into a huge bird whom looks like part eagle, part phoenix and part peacock, mixing elegance, beauty and awesome factor of the three aforementioned birds.

Draco: F***ing majestic! Look at it! Look at it! Your pets pale towards my work of art!

Harry: Draco…just…get a hobby! Don't you have anything better to do then to try to make us miserable? Collect stamps…or juggle chainsaws.

Ron: Nobody cares Malfoy! We don't care you are rich, we don't care you are pure-blood, we don't care you are the king of Slytherin and we don't care about your overgrown chicken!

Hermione: Yeah, you turn everything in a dick-measuring contest!

Neville: Yeah, what they said!

Malfoy: Well…er…I'm still better then you!

Harry: And now he does kindergarten type insults.

Luna: Hello, what is going on?

Luna Lovegood walked in, lifting her Spectrespecs on top of her head.

Hermione: Dork-o Mal-Fail is showing off the familiar no one cares about.

Luna: Familiars? That is neat; I got one too myself?

Draco: Oh, what is it? One of those non-existant Crapplehorn Snorlaxes?

Luna: It is Crumplehorned Snorcrack. And yes, I have.

Luna puts her fingers in her mouth and whistles. The most bizarre creature ever appeared besides her. It was an oversized…chameleon, rhino thing with a humped back, the hump having a bit of a turtle-shell like texture. It was purple. Very purple. And for some reason, it bleated.

Everyone stared at it wide-eyed.

Ron: What the heck am I even looking at?

Luna: It's a Crumple-horned…

Ron: I know but I can't believe it!

Hermione: Well…I owe you a major apology for ever doubting you and the existence of any of the animals you were talking about. I'm really sorry, Luna.

Luna: It's ok. I don't hold grudges.

Draco: I don't know what that is, I don't care. Our familiars are better. We are going to prove it! Familiar fight. Crabbe, Goyle, send yours out!

Crabbe and Goyle sent out the troll and the gargoyle. They went for the Snorcrack first, whom was the closest to them. The troll swung its club, but unexpectedly, the Snorcrack caught the club in his hand. The expression on its face hasn't changed. It then swings around the much bigger troll like it was nothing, slamming him into the ground repeatedly, and then slamming it into the gargoyle, shattering it to stone. The troll was knocked out.

Everyone had a wide-eyed stare again. A farting sound was heard as the scared peacock familiar of Draco laid an egg. Neville let out an impressed whistle.

Draco: T-t-that means nothing. Crabbe and Goyle's familiars are nothing to Albedo. Go, my pet! Show them what you're made off!

The peacock creature manned up. It approached the Crumple-Horned Snorcrack…It looked as expressionless as ever. It opened its mouth, a green magic laser shot from its mouth and engulfed Albedo. When the light died down, a huge pile of fried chicken was in the place of the familiar. The other familiars swarmed it and gorged the fried poultry down.

Harry: I think I have eye cramp from being wide-eyed all the time.

Hermione: I-I-I got nothing! The existence of this thing has just shattered all my beliefs. I don't know anything about everything anymore.

Ron: You know, despite all what happened the biggest thing I wonder about is how a peacock, a boy bird, laid an egg!

Neville: I really love that girl!

Draco looked at what had just transpired, took a moment to process it and…

Draco: NOPE! Nope, nope, nope, nope ! I'm done, I'm out of here. I give up! I'm just going down to the Common Room, get a bucket of rocky road ice cream from the kitchen, plunge down in the most comfy couch and just eat my depression away!

Draco left. Crabbe and Goyle shrugged and followed Draco. Goyle briefly returned to pick up the huge peacock egg.

Goyle: I am going to make so many egg tarts with you. (he notices the others starting) What? I do have a life out of being Draco's bodyguard you know! Can't Slytherins be allowed to cook?

He then rejoins the other Slytherins, leaving the heroes alone. Luna scratched the Snorcrack behind where his ear is supposed to be. The creature tapped its foot, but its expression didn't change.

Luna: Good job, Bubbles. Mommy is so proud.

Harry: Well…Now that's done, what do we do?

Luna: I'm going to f*** Neville!

Luna grabbed Neville by the arm and dragged him along.

Neville: Wait, I am in a relationship with Hannah…

Luna: We'll make it a menage-a-trois. I will show you and Hannah all the things you can do with pudding when you don't eat it.

Harry: Screw this! Speaking of which, I'm going to look for Ginny.

Ron: Hey, that is my sister you are talking about. You know what, forget it! Hermione?

Hermione: Way ahead of you. I borrowed '500 Kinky spells for a healthy sex life' from the library. Come along.

And then sex happened!

THE END