Chapter 2



"Tell me what happened next, Olivia."

Olivia turned back toward the woman sitting across from her at the couch as if she'd grown a second head. "What do you mean—what happened next? I went back to work, Margo." Olivia sighed. "As soon as everyone went home for the night, I went back to work. I found his first victim, and we convinced him to plead out the case."

"So you took care of his victims. But did it ever occur to you to try taking care of yourself?"

Had she taken care of herself? Olivia froze and averted her eyes away from Margo's. Of course she hadn't taken care of herself. She was fine. She didn't need to take care of herself. Laurel needed her. Kelly needed her. How could she be so selfish to worry about her own needs when clearly there were so many other women who needed her more? She chewed on her lower lip thoughtfully, wondering exactly what Margo wanted her to say. God, she hated shrinks. How the hell was she supposed to answer that question anyway?

As if sensing her hesitation, Margo responded for her. "Olivia, there's no right and wrong answer. But you have to talk to me. I can't help you if you won't tell me what's going on."

Shit…apparently no response was just as bad as the wrong one. Olivia opened her mouth as if to speak, but somehow she couldn't seem to find the words she needed. She clamped her mouth shut, rolling her eyes upward and took a deep breath as if to calm herself. "He sent me home." When she spoke, her confession was suddenly soft, vulnerable.

"Who sent you home Olivia?" Margo's voice was firm, but quiet.

"My captain," Olivia admitted. She shook her head quickly to fight off the emotion behind her words, but she couldn't help hearing the hurt behind them. "He uh…he told me to take some time off." She closed her eyes. "It's not the first time, but I…I didn't exactly listen the first time."

"When was the first time Olivia?" Margo pried gently.

Olivia hesitated, her eyes darting back and forth as if searching for an escape. She glanced down at the phone at her belt, desperately praying for a call, an emergency, anything that might give her the opportunity to avoid answering the question. This was the last thing she needed to deal with right now. But Margo was not letting up. And her phone sure as hell was not going to ring. Olivia sighed, allowing her gaze to drop down to the floor. "It was after the Crewe's case," she finally admitted. As soon as the words left her lips, she waited for the response.

There was a long moment of silence. Olivia waited. Great, somehow she had even managed to unnerve her shrink. Way to go Benson. Maybe this is why she'd always avoided going to therapy.

Finally, Margo cleared her throat. "Olivia, I'm sorry. I should have never gotten you involved."

Oh, God, Olivia knew she couldn't take this. She didn't need Margo's guilt on top of everything else. "Margo, please." Olivia finally raised her face to meet the other woman's. "I'm not asking for an apology. It's not your fault that I…" Olivia froze. Oh, God. She hadn't really said that out loud, had she?

Margo furrowed her brow. "That you what… Olivia?"

Olivia sighed. "Nothing, I'm fine."

"No, you're not. Olivia, what happened during the case?"

"Margo, I really don't want to talk about this right now. I…I have to go." Olivia pulled herself up to her feet. She let her eyes drop down to the floor as she gathered up her purse, her coat. She was halfway to the door before Margo finally spoke.

When she did, Margo's voice was quiet. "Olivia, why did you come here today?"

Olivia froze with one hand on the door. Slowly she turned back around. "I don't know," she admitted softly. "Margo, I feel like I can't do anything right anymore. I guess I just needed to find out if I made the right decision."

Margo studied her face carefully, searching for a response. "The right decision about what, Olivia?"

Olivia felt her throat constricting, felt the tears that burned behind her eyelids. Before they could fall, before she lost control over it all, she had to get out of here. Without another word, she turned back toward the door, allowing it to fall shut behind her, leaving Margo's question unanswered. Because she couldn't say it. She was afraid that if she allowed herself to speak the words out loud, she would fall apart again. She was afraid that if she allowed herself to speak the words out loud, it might become real.

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Elliot allowed his keys to fall on his desk as he casually shrugged off his jacket. His eyes scanned over his desk for any sign of a new case. "Another quiet night," he observed with a frown.

"Looks that way," Munch responded, lifting his eyes ever so slightly to peer out over his glasses. He nodded across the room to where Fin was pouring himself a cup of coffee. "But that would be based on the assumption that my partner didn't decide to fly solo last night. He's barely spoken two words to me since he got here."

"Trouble in paradise," Elliot laughed as he slid into his seat. With a couple of quick keystrokes, he pulled up his email account as soon as the screen came to life and scanned his inbox for a new message. There was nothing new.

"Yeah, kind of like your partner. So when is your better half coming back from her impromptu vacation?"

Elliot sighed. "I have no idea. All I did was take my kids on a much needed trip to Disney, which I might add, I am never doing again. What did you do—scare her off?"

Before Munch could respond, Cragen's office door flew open. He barely took two steps out of his office before he barked out an order. "Fin, my office…now!" He turned abruptly and retreated just as fast as he came.

Munch raised his eyebrows. "Hmmm, maybe I did miss something last night."

Fin sauntered over. "What did I do now?" He set his mug down on his desk, exchanging looks with both Elliot and Munch.

"I don't know, but I think Dad may be steaming more than that coffee there," Munch observed wryly.

"Yeah, very funny" Fin returned, glancing back at the mug on his desk. "Seriously, what did I do?"

"Don't look at me. I've only been back for two days," Elliot responded, holding up his hands in self defense. He locked his hands behind his head, rocking back in his chair and watching as Fin cautiously crossed the bullpen toward the Captain's office. "Time to watch the fireworks fly," he observed.

Munch frowned. "That's easy for you to say. It's not your partner on the chopping block."

"Oh, come on, Munch. He's not even working a case right now. How much trouble can he be in? I'll bet you twenty bucks it turns out to be no big deal."

"Twenty bucks, I don't think so. How about you go in with me when I start up a bar here in the city? Think about it—free drinks after cases…"

Elliot rolled his eyes. "Gee, John, let me think about it. I may not be able to send my kids to college, but hey at least we'll have free drinks after cases."

Munch rolled his eyes. "College is overrated anyway. I'm telling you…with the economy the way it is. This is the perfect time to invest in some real estate."

"Yeah, whatever you say, John." Elliot ducked his head, flipping open the file on his desk. God he hated paperwork. He especially hated paperwork when Olivia wasn't here to keep him company. He tapped his pen on the desk and scanned the DD-5 in front of him. This was going to be one long day.

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The door swung shut behind him, and Fin raised his eyes cautiously to meet his superior officer. "Captain," he began cautiously.

Cragen stood up from his position at his desk and met Fin's quizzical gaze. When he finally spoke, his words were tense and even. "Is there something you want to tell me about the Crewes' case?"

Fin hesitated for a moment. "What about the Crewes' case," he finally hedged. "Case is closed. We got a confession."

"And what did it take to get one?" Cragen demanded. "You care to tell me how hard you pushed your partner to get that?"

Fin stopped dead in his tracks. He raised his gaze slowly. "What are you talking about, Captain? Nobody pushed Olivia to do anything she didn't want to do."

"You should have told me if the case was hitting too close to home for her. I don't need to hear about it after the fact," Cragen retorted, his eyes flashing.

"Sorry about that, Captain," Fin returned tersely, his body relaxing ever so slightly. "But Olivia will get over the case." He expelled a deep breath as he realized his captain didn't know anything about Pruitt. "Olivia has dealt with cases involving a rapist's baby before. It's tough on her, but she always bounces back," he added quietly.

"Not this time," Cragen announced, a hint of sadness creeping into his voice.

Fin paused. "What's that supposed to mean?" He searched his captain's face, and for the first time, he noticed the drawn out look in his eyes, the resignation in his posture. "Is Olivia okay?"

Cragen sighed. "No, Fin she's not. Olivia put in her transfer request this morning."

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I'm the one you'll always remember…always remember…always remember.

Olivia awoke with a start. Her knees jerked forward to her chest, and her breath caught in her throat. As her eyes slowly adjusted to her surroundings, she realized that she was in bed. She drew out a shaky breath as she realized that Lowell Harris and Eric Lutz were gone. Oh, God. It had just been a dream. Olivia let her head fall back into the pillow momentarily, and then stopped. It was too soft. Why was her pillow so soft? She took a deep breath and then finally allowed her eyes to scan the unfamiliar room. Where the hell was she? As if sensing her sudden movement, Olivia felt the figure next to her roll over. "What are you doing awake, baby?"

Olivia froze and slowly turned her head toward the voice, the unfamiliar voice. The voice of… Alec, Alex, Adam…whatever the hell his name was, it started with an A. Olivia swallowed hard. God, her mouth was dry. Her mouth was dry, and her head was pounding. Her mouth was dry, her head was pounding, and she was in Mr. A's apartment. Where the hell was Mr. A's apartment at anyway? Olivia reached down to untangle herself from the arm draped over her midsection, and leaned over the edge of the bed. She fumbled around on the floor until finally she found her phone. "I uh…sorry, I just heard my phone beep. It looks like we caught a case. I've got to go."

Olivia waited for a response. Had she even told Mr. A she was a cop? She turned back toward him to gauge his reaction and realized that it didn't matter. He had passed out again. Her eyes burned with tears as she drew herself to her feet, throwing her clothes on as quickly as she possibly could. Olivia bit her lip and tried to figure out where the hell her shoes had ended up—and her purse. She needed her shoes, and she needed her purse, and she needed to get the hell out of here before Mr. A decided to regain consciousness. She threw back the pile of clothes at the end of the bed and was rewarded with one shoe. Great…she tossed back a pair of jeans…shoe number two. Now she was getting somewhere. Scanning the room quickly, Olivia decided to abandon the bedroom. She stumbled through the darkness into the living room and immediately spotted her coat and purse by the door. She crossed the room quickly, snatching the two up and without a sound slipped out the front door.

The sudden cold air as she stepped outside pulled her back to reality. Olivia hesitated, looking both directions as if somehow she might remember which direction she had come from. Olivia felt herself stumble over the last step and tried to catch herself. The tears she had been fighting earlier sprang back to her eyes. Great…it was the middle of the night and she was lost. No, wait—she was drunk and lost…and crying. Crying, drunk, and lost. A fabulous combination.

Vaguely, she could make out the sound of an approaching car—a dark sedan. Before she could even comprehend what was happening, the car had pulled off to the side of the road and a single figure got out, wrapping strong hands around her and pushing her into the passenger side before returning to the driver's seat.

"I've seen you do some stupid things before, Liv. But this is by far one of the worst."

Olivia threw her head back on the headrest and drew out a long, drawn-out breath before turning to glare at the figure next to her. "What the hell are you doin' here, Fin?"

"Watching your back…cause you sure as hell need it right about now. I'm not even going to ask what you were thinking."

"I don't have to 'xplain myself to you," Olivia shot back heatedly.

"You're right about that one. "

"And I don't work with you anymore," Olivia slurred.

"So I hear," Fin answered gruffly. "You might want to come up with a little better explanation for your partner though. Because as soon as he hears that you took off again, he's going to go through the roof."

Olivia remained silent, staring out the window. She felt a single tear slowly trace its way down her cheek. Damn Fin for making her cry again. She felt the car jerk over to the side of the road and vaguely realized that they were in front of her apartment building.

"Come on." Fin was already outside of the car and tugging on her arm. His voice was suddenly gentle. "Let's get you up to your apartment." He wrapped one arm around her waist to support her and Olivia felt him pushing her forward toward her apartment. Keys…she needed keys to get in her apartment. Olivia dug in her coat pocket in search of her keys. "Liv, I've already got them."

Already got them.

Olivia turned toward Fin in confusion and realized that her keys were dangling from his fingertips. "It's this one," she mumbled. Fin inserted the key in the lock and for the second time that night the door gave way. Olivia stepped into her apartment.

Fin followed her hesitantly. "Do you need help getting to the bedroom?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, but Fin…" Her voice was suddenly serious. "Don't... tell…Elliot."

Fin turned back toward her and didn't answer. "We'll talk about that tomorrow. But Liv…lock the door behind you."

Olivia nodded quietly and watched him walk back out the door, leaving her at least a shred of dignity intact. She turned the deadbolt in the lock behind her and stumbled toward the bathroom. She couldn't go to bed like this. She turned on the shower water and slowly and painstakingly stripped down. She just needed a shower, just needed to get clean. Wrapping her arms around her body, Olivia stepped into the running water and attempted to wash away ten months worth of filth, ten months worth of tears, ten months worth of a past she couldn't seem to erase.

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