NOTE:
This chapter is courtesy of my fellow collaborator frodogenic. I only did the edits :D So direct all your reviews to her genius!


Inbox II
By frodogenic



Hello. You have reached Emperor Palpatine's holocom message inbox. To leave a message for Darth Sidious, please press 2. His Imperial Majesty the Emperor Palpatine, May He Live Forever Etc., is currently preoccupied with much more significant matters than anything a mere mortal such as yourself could possibly wish to say to him—such as running the galaxy, balancing the Imperial budget, torturing underlings, killing Rebels etc. etc.—and therefore is not able to take your transmission. However, His Imperial Majesty (et. al) will in his great generosity condescend to listen to whatever drivel you record herein and respond, if he so chooses and if it should be convenient to do so. Kindly try to keep the idiotic rambling to a minimum. His Imperial Majesty is a very busy man, working for the glory of the Empire!

-beep-

Master, this is Vader. I see that you are preoccupied, so I shall attempt to contact you at a later time. This is about Project Killer Grapefruit, by the way. It's, ah, rounding out nicely.

-beep-

Your Majesty, this is Griin Selerié from the Naboo Horticultural Society reminding you that the NHS Galactic Goldstar Members' Convention will be held in Theed in two weeks. Our theme this year is "Carnations and Cardinality." All our members are encouraged to share a story about what deeper significance carnations have for their personal lives. Once again, the NHS is deeply honored to count Your Majesty among our Goldstar Members. And personally, I'd like to take the opportunity to applaud you for your outstanding work with daffodils—that was just a beautiful arrangement you had on display at the Coruscant Arboretum the other weekend.

-beep-

Your Majesty, this is Admiral Firmus Piett. I would respectfully like to discuss the leadership qualities and style of Lord Vader with you, if at all possible. I and several of my coworkers here in Your Majesty's Navy feel that much could be done to improve the, ah, working relationship between naval officers and Lord Vader.

-beep-

This is Luke Skywalker. How in the krething nine hells did you get my private comlink number?

-beep-

Your Majesty, this is a message from Grulbanks, Wimmiford, and Grulbanks of Serenno regarding the estate of Count Yann Dooku. We've reviewed your claims to the deceased's assets in reference to the aforementioned Yann Dooku's Last Will and Testament, and once again we must conclude that you have absolutely no right to appropriate the estate. Count Dooku's will clearly stipulates that in the event of his death all of his possessions were to revert to the Serenno Wildlife Preservation Fund, and as has been established the last thirty nine times Your Majesty has appealed this decision. Further to your last transmission, we would simply like to point out that although Your Majesty "is the Senate", he is not the Serenno Wildlife Preservation Fund. Therefore our office will proceed with executing the will of the deceased. Unless, of course, you wish to file an appeal with the Serenno Civil Court System, in which case we are certain you will lose for the TWELFTH time.

-beep-

Mr. Palpatine, my name is Kel Druzka. I'm looking for an upstanding, financially responsible partner to help me start a tinatium mine on Bimmisaari. You see, I've discovered tinatium on some land that the current owner is willing to sell for five thousand credits. All you need to do is wire me the five thousand and I'll buy the property and oversee the mining operation. For a small, effortless investment of five thousand I promise you'll get a return of several million credits! Just wire five thousand credits to my associate Ungadi at 890345776. You won't regret it!

-beep-

Hello, Mr. Palpatine! We at Coruscant Credit Union greatly value the contributions of our stalwart Imperial government, and we'd like to express our appreciation by pre-qualifying you for the Coruscant Credit Union Quadranium Club Card, starting at an amazing credit limit of 2,500 credits! Low interest rates, high credit limits, and frequent spacegoer mile programs are just a few of the benefits available to Quadranium Club Card members! Look us up on the Holonet and transmit your personalized code to claim your new Quadranium Club Card—today!

-beep-

Heya, Tall, Dark and Handsome. I see from your profile that you enjoy playing the harmonium. As it so happens I play a wicked jizz solo myself. What say we meet at your place and make some, ahem, music? I could bring a friend and make it a symphony, if you know what I mean. I won't be picky about species if you're not.

-beep-

Mr. Palpatine, at your advanced stage of life, it's normal for some control to start slipping away. Are you constantly going? Can you not control the urge to go? Don't worry—SecuroDiapers are here to help! With maximum absorbency, easy-detach adhesive strips, silky smooth lining, and sleek designer-lingerie styling, you'll never feel more comfortable or secure than you will in your new SecuroDiapers! Call now, and we'll give you a month's supply of SecuroDiapers for just 99 credits! And wait—there's more! Call within the next twelve and a half minutes, and we'll throw in an additional month for free! That's two months of SecuroDiapers for just 99 credits! The first ten callers will also receive our original patented SaberKnife—tough enough to cut through durasteel, yet delicate enough to trim your fingernails! That's a 250-credit value for just 99 credits! But wait—there's more! Order with your Coruscant Credit Union Quadranium Club Card and you'll also recei—

-beep-

Palpatine, this is Mon Mothma. Received the box of chocolates you sent and blasted same out the closest airlock. Just because I'm a principled idealist doesn't mean I'm that stupid.

-beep-

Master, Vader again. I am not receiving any replies from your office holocom. Are you certain that it is turned on? If the green light on the right has turned red, the power unit will have to be recharged or replaced. I left the extra units in your right office desk the last time I repaired it. If the hardware defies your wishes again, I would respectfully suggest that you have Amedda call Tech Support. After all, it wouldn't be worth wasting your time on it when you have so many other matters to attend to.

-beep-

My Master, this is Jade. I am currently attempting to locate Skywalker as planned. However, all attempts are failing. Are you sure that he likes women?

-beep-

This is Luke Skywalker. I changed my comlink and unlisted my number. And I'll thank you not to call me during mission briefings.

-beep-

Your Majesty, this is Prince Xizor. I heard you're planning to attend the Naboo Horticultural Society's convention in a couple of weeks. I've always been a huge fan of gardening myself. In fact, I'm speaking at a seminar on bonsai trees this year. I'd be greatly honored if you'd attend it. I'm giving a demonstration that I'll think you'll find fascinating, given your collection of bonsai trees in the east wing's arbor.

-beep-

Fett speaking. You still haven't paid me for the last bounty. I'm not working for you again until I get my money. And for the record, I don't give a gallon of sithspit what the rest of the clones are doing.

-beep-

Your Majesty, this is Coruscant Galactic Floral Delivery Service confirming your order of three hundred red roses to be delivered to Quarters 133-B-2, Ship #13348274, Sullust Sector, tomorrow at 8pm Galactic Standard Time. That will be 50,000 credits with tax and shipping. Thank you, and have a good standard day.

-beep-

Mothma speaking. Should you ever visit the Sullust Sector, you might want to look out for a large free-floating crate full of floral arrangements.

-beep-

Guess what, Gorgeous? Your lucky day just arrived. Call me back at 910458994. Why are you still listening to this message? You're wasting time we could be spending together!

-beep-

This is Jason "Slick" Bauer calling in response to your message. Um…that'll be a pretty tall order, but I am a damn fine ID forger. I'll see if I can pull it off. But no promises. I mean, I'm pretty frekking certain nobody's ever asked me to steal the identity of a whole nonprofit organization before.

-beep-

Maser, Vader. I'm going to see Amedda about your inbox, I think the Rebels must have stolen it.

-beep-

Your Majesty, this is a message from the offices of Grulbanks, Wimmiford, and Grulbanks of Serenno regarding the estate of the deceased Count Yann Dooku. Quite frankly, we feel that the validity of your recently submitted form (identifying you as the Serenno Wildlife Preservation Fund) is highly questionable, particularly considering our past twenty-two years of correspondence. If Your Majesty will pardon the vernacular, you'll have to do a helluva lot better than that, ya slime sucker.

-beep-

Mothma again. On second thought, don't look out.

-beep-

Master, Vader speaking. While I fully agree that Grulbanks, Wimmiford, Grulbanks, and all their employees deserve imminent tortuous deaths, can't it wait until we've finished your project, turned my son to the Dark Side, and obliterated the Rebellion? Tell you what -- why don't I just knock off the ID forger and we'll save the rest of them for later?

-beep-

Your Majesty, this is the Intergalactic Dejarik Confederation calling to remind you of the upcoming Galactic Dejarik Tournament to be held at Imperial Palace on Coruscant. Your entrance fee of 75 credits is due by the first of next month.

-beep-

This is Luke Skywalker. I am deactivating my comlink service completely. And just so we're clear on the points you raised in your last message—I do not want any of your credits, I do not want any of your big fancy ships, and I most certainly do not want any of your neurotic, leather-clad female assassins. And as for the last thing you mentioned—"I can teach you how to stop the ones you love from dying"—good fracking grief. Don't tell me someone has actually fallen for that before.

-beep-

Mr. Palpatine, this is a message from the Coruscant Public Library System. Your copy of The Idiot's Guide to Galactic Domination is 75 years and 42 days overdue. You have incurred 72,000 credits in fines. Please be advised that you will not be able to check out any other items until this book is returned and the fines are paid in full.

-beep-

This is Barry from the Black Mandalorian Nightclub. Spotted your profile and thought I'd let you know that we're always hiring talented pole dancers. Drop by my Holonet site for my number if you're interested.

-beep-

Master, this is Vader. I need to speak with you regarding progress on Project Killer Grapefruit—or, more accurately, the lack thereof. You might say that the circle is not yet complete. Certain of your naval officers should have been shot in the cradle for incompetency.

-beep-

Your Majesty, this is Moff Jerjerrod, in command of Project Killer Grapefruit. I can explain.

-beep-

Mon Mothma here. Attached to this message are several images of just what Rogue Squadron did with the lingerie you sent me. I think you'll agree that these gentlemen have quite a unique sense of humor. Where they got the wax life-size replica of you, I'll never know, but I must say you pull off a thong and corset quite nicely. In fact, it's on display in the shipboard mess hall now.

-beep-

Boaagggg urgna hut'ta'cha. Choobka da noopi cho roogi hota. Bachuba ki'naga agdono lasubi noscha ka!

Auto Translation: This message has not been translated due to indecent content.

-beep-

-ooooohhhhhhhhhraawlr-grawwwwwwegdmuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaah-hhhhhhhhhhhgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooohawaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Auto Translation: This is Chewbacca, a friend of Luke Skywalker. Just thought I'd let you know that—

-100001101010100111110010101000101011100010101010!!!**********—

Auto Translation: Binary Code

-graaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww-grrrakaaaaaaaaaaaawawrrrrrrrrrrrrrwraaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllmaaaaaaaaaaalagrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuaggawwwwwwwwwwelllllllllleeeeeeeeee

Auto Translation: —Artoo and I spliced into your holocom inbox. So you've got a crush on Mothma, huh? Very interesting. Betcha the rest of the Alliance would agree with us. Not to mention all the galactic tabloid editors. You can send any responses to the attached number.

-beep-

Your Majesty, Mas Amedda speaking. I've just discovered that your personal comlink number is listed on the Who's Hot And Who's Not? Holonet site in conjunction with an fully nude image of holodrama actor Kel Sandanna. Shall I order the site operators arrested on overblown charges?

-beep-

Master, this is Vader again. In response to your blackmail problem, I am familiar with the droid in question. You will spare yourself a great deal of grief if you just pay it now. It is pointless to resist.

-beep-

Hi, Mr. Emperor! This is Timmy Antilles. I'm in fourth grade at Hearts and Rainbows Elementary School. We just studied you in history and I have to write an essay about you and my teacher said I should research so I figured I oughta just ask you the questions since you already know 'em all. What's your favorite food? What's your favorite color? Can I visit you sometime at your palace? Why do you hate Jedi? Where'd you get so wrinkly and ugly? How come you have to use a cane? How old are you? Did your mommy ever make you drink blue milk? 'Cause mine does and I hate it.

-beep-

Hello, Your Imperial Majesty the Emperor Palpatine (May You Live Forever Etc., You Gorgeous Thing, You). You have 9,322,0367 unread messages in your GalacticTech Inbox.