It had not been a good decade for Lord Voldemortus von Doom.
First his Tomb of Ice collapsed due to some trigger-happy lava beetles. Then that accursed magus Sir Richard Reed cut off his nose and drained much of his power(1). The fact that the mad wizard Dr. Claw had raised a tower upon his old stomping grounds the next day was just insult to injury.
Now, bereft of his wealth and much of his power, he glowered in the back of this cesspool of filth and corruption known as the Princess Petunia's Playhouse, waiting…plotting…and mostly waiting.
"Seriously, what does it take to get a drink around here?" he hissed.
"Here's your drink, sir!" said the tavern wench.
"Your soul shall burn in the pits of Nifelheim for your tardiness," he growled.
"Excuse me?"
"Er, I mean, thank you." He moved to tip her, and was momentarily confused when she choked, broke out in bloody hives, withered, turned grey, burst into flame and collapsed into a pile of ash. He muttered a few ear-bleeding curses, switched his "Aura of Instant Painful Bloody Dismemberment" to "Off," and surreptitiously swept the ashes beneath the neighbouring monk's table. It wouldn't do to grab much attention in his current state, especially since he was still wanted for arson, murder, grand larceny, blasphemy, anti-blasphemy and grand theft auto(2) in 21 different realms. Fortunately, his fiendish disguise seemed to be working.
Suddenly, a huge shadow darkened his table. "Be gone, fat one," he snarled, "lest I decorate the walls with your entrails…which would probably raise the local property values."
"Groowlablarg!" said the giant. "Oogarh, glar blar ouuagah!"(3)
"I know that animalistic snarl," mused the wizard. Recognition dawned. "Minion #24601? Is that you?"
{It's Karnon to you!} he replied, thumping the table in irritation. {And you owe me 300,000 gold!}
von Doom nearly spat out his drink. "What?" he sputtered. "My former servant dares make demands of me, the dread master who took him in when no one else would?" He laughed. "How amusing."
{You think this is a joke?} rumbled Karnon. {Five years I slaved away in that tomb, thumping heads and mopping up blood. I made Employee of the Month nine times! And you left me holding up the roof of the joint while you skittered out of the emergency exit!}
"You were a minion, Minion," von Doom replied. "Sacrificing yourself while your superior escapes is your life's purpose. Although how you survived is beyond me."
{Made my saving throw,} was his off-handed reply. {And I may be a minion,} he said, raising his voice again, {but we had a contract!} He pulled a stained and bloodied scrap of parchment from someplace unspeakable(4) and slapped it before his former employer. {A thousand gold a day, plus danger pay, double that in the event of meddling kids! You missed my last paycheque!}
"Well, I'm sorry, Minion," von Doom replied, rolling his eyes, "but the treasury was slightly on fire at that moment. And you should be grateful that I let you escape with your life at all."
Karnon bent down and went eye-to-eye with the dread lord. {Pay up,} he rumbled, {or I tell everyone in this bar who you really are.}
A chill crawled up von Doom's spine. "You wouldn't dare."
Karnon grinned. His mouth, von Doom noted, had some very big, very sharp teeth.
The chill became a spark, which became a blaze of fury that raced through his hate-black veins. "You DARE threaten ME?! I, who wrenched the Tomb of Ice from the depth of the Frozen Sea with a wave of his hand? I, who razed New Tenderton to the ground in but a single afternoon? I, the Reaping Frost, the Ravaging Flame, He Who Haunts the Night? YOU DARE CHALLENGE LORD VOLDEMORTUS VON DOOM?!"
A glass shattered on the ground. von Doom realized that he was standing, shouting, and suddenly the centre of attention.
A burly, battle-scarred man across the bar rose from his seat. "So it IS you, von Doom!" he growled. "I almost did not recognize you because of that absurd pink sombrero."
"DO NOT MOCK VON DOOM'S HAT OF DISGUISE, PEASANT!" he snarled. "Besides, it was on sale."
"For twenty years I have scoured these lands in search of you to deliver justice for the people of New Tenderton," the man continued, as he drew a wicked sword. "And I have found you at last!"
"He sacked our castle!" said a nearby group of knights.
"He ate my baby!" wailed a woman, whose companions seemed exceptionally well armed.
"He drops legendries!" squealed a psychotic munchkin.
"LET'S GET HIM!"
von Doom cackled, threw back his hat and leapt atop his table. "Then come, fools! There is Doom enough for all!" He raised his hands and unleashed a necromantic storm that would flay their flesh from their bones and turn their marrow to maggots.
It came out as a purple spark that went, "Pfffft."
"Ah," said von Doom, momentarily perturbed. "Perhaps if you could give me a mo – doof!"
He was soon buried under a flurry of fists, kicks, swords, axes and cutlery, as well as the persistent blows of a very angry squirrel armed with nunchucks. There were so many assailants that most of them were hitting each other, but some of their blows still went through. Through the haze of blood and pain, he spotted the towering form of Karnon standing to one side, smiling.
"Argh! Oof! Ugh! Minion! MINION! Aid me, you blundering fool!"
Karnon tapped his contract with a massive, clawed paw.
An axe nearly split von Doom's skull. "I'll pay you back! With interest! von Doom swears that it shall be so!"
Karnon nodded, and calmly explained to the angry mob that, while their claims were certainly legitimate, as only his was backed by a legal document recognized by the Kingdom of Terrinoth, his would take precedence in this matter, and that if they disputed this, they should take it up with the local magistrate.
Which, in his native tongue, translated as, "uuuuuUUUUUAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!"
Blown back by the sheer force of his voice, the mob dissolved into panic, as if finally noticing the mad, bloodthirsty giant for the first time.(5) Karnon howled again, shattering every breakable and most of the eardrums in the place. The assailants fled for the exits.
"We'll be back!" cried one of them, as he tried to retreat with dignity (an impossible feat, as he had not worn his brown pants that day).
Karnon helped the battered arch-fiend to his feet. "von Doom supposes you expect him to be grateful?" said the villain.
Karnon shrugged.
"He is not," replied von Doom. "But…in truth, I had forgotten your contract in the chaos of my departure, and could not find you afterwards. And von Doom…is a man of his word. von Doom shall grant what is due to you. But he has lost much of his wealth and influence. This will take time."
{Actually,} said Karnon, {would you care to work it off?}
[Footnotes]
1. RICHAAAAAAARDS!
2. Some time travel may have been involved in this one.
3. "It IS you! I'd recognize your aura of murderous intent anywhere, even IF you are that ridiculous disguise!"
4. His waistcoat. It's hidden under the fur.
5. He put points into Stealth. Go figure.
