Chapter 2: Anger and Acceptance

"Many times I've been alone and many times I've cried
Anyway you'll never know the many ways I've tried
And still they lead me back to the long and winding road
You left me standing here a long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here, lead me to your door"-
"The Long and Winding Road" The Beatles

Disclaimer: I don't own transformers or lyrics.

The sound of metal scraping against metal followed by a loud crash outside Knock Out's room jarred him out of recharge. What idiot… that can't be good. He thought as he forced himself up. "Oh scrap! That hurt" Smokscreen said favoring his left side. "I really need to pay more attention to my chronometer. I am late already and Ultra Magnus is furious I'm sure. Now I'll need repairs too. I hope no one saw that." Smokescreen said to no one.

Of course it would be him…acting like a sparkling. Not a surprise. Knock Out thought still annoyed but went out to check on him. "Trying to break records for speed Smokey or were you trying to break yourself? You may have achieved one of those goals. Are your breaks functioning?" Knock Out said shaking his helm. "Some of us aren't on duty until later and would love beauty rest, not that I need it." He added not hiding the annoyance in his voice. He loved to annoy the younger bot. After the experience with the patch he knew how to get under that particular autobot's armor. Really though, besides needing a few minutes with a buffer now are you okay?

"I'm fine, Knock Out, thanks." He answered a bit embarrassed that he had been seen. "I won't be if I am any later."

"Afraid of Ultra Magnus are you?"

"No, but he is the commanding officer"

"We aren't at war anymore you know so why be so worried?"

"Until we set up an official government he stands in." He gave Knock Out a look that made it clear he didn't trust him and didn't want to be there any longer.

"If you say so," Knock Out finally said. "considering you haven't seriously damaged yourself and need immediate attention, if you will excuse me I plan on finishing my recharge cycle now thank you."

Knock Out turned and walked back to his berth. This was going to be another long day. After a couple of breems he knew that recharging was out of the question. His systems simply would not cooperate. There was plenty to do and he would make himself useful as well as attempt to work his way into the autobot's social structure. He growled softly. It was necessary but he didn't have to like it. He took plenty of time getting himself presentable and went for energon. Several others were already there finishing off their rations. It always seemed to him that the autobots were friends with everyone. He knew better. His encounter with Smokescreen earlier proved he wasn't friends with Ultra Magnus and common sense told him that different personalities always clashed despite affiliations but the fact that the ones he was on Earth with seemed to be closer than he would have been with almost anyone. They were even quick to like the Humans. Not that that mattered now. No, he wasn't going to just open up to anyone else, ever. He shook his helm. Even recharging didn't clear his processor. He was scolding himself when he heard Ultra Magnus and Ratchet come in.

"He is no doubt dealing with so much at this moment. I am not sure it is wise. You are acting as Prime for now so I am asking:" Ratchet told Ultra Magnus.

"I know. I have so much on my processor I can't deal with it right now, Ratchet. Besides that is your area of expertise. You make the choice. If you trust him go for it. I trust you."

Knock Out somehow knew the two were discussing him, and not just because he always assumed that. He braced himself internally when they approached him.

That was it he had his temporary assignment alongside Ratchet. This couldn't get worse he thought.

"Knock Out are you really okay?" Ratchet asked him afterwards.

"Am I okay? After all that happened the last several joors, not to mentioned being shook from a much needed recharge by someone acting like a sparkling and racing inside, not having enough fuel and now working in close quarters with someone who doesn't even like or trust me…forgive me if I am not just leaking enthusiasm."

"Look It hasn't been easy on anyone. We have all lost someone we cared about so if you want to talk about it…"

Knockout cut him off. "Really Doc bot I am fine. I will see you in half a joor." They had no idea. Sure Optimus was gone but he sacrificed himself willingly. Breakdown was murdered. He didn't have remains to properly honor him with a burial then he discovered he had been brought back online by a parasite, then he became a zombicon before he was finally offlined for good. Solarcycles later the same thing happened to his leader, Megatron. No, they had no idea what he was dealing with. Ultra Magnus admitted to being unable to deal. Some leader he was going to be. Knock Out refused to wear his emotions on his shoulder plates. He didn't need to 'talk'.

The conversation made the memories flash into his processor. He had to deal with it. He Slipped away as quickly as he could.

"Lord Megatron has asked Dreadwing to see to it that Arachnid is terminated. He suggested backup considering how she is and asked me to join him. I have to agree. She is bothersome and I too look forward to her termination. I am glad to get to help or provide cleanup as we used to say." Breakdown told Knock Out.

A shiver of sorts when down his back strut and he felt his energon go cold. It defied logic and he couldn't explain it so he said nothing, but Knock Out had a bad feeling about the whole situation. It was similar to the impression he got when he fell into MECH's trap only worse.

Breakdown was aware of how still and silent his boss and friend became. "Are you okay, Knock Out?"

"Sure, why wouldn't I be. Between the two of you terminating her will be a breeze. Just…"he hesitated. "…be careful. You know how she gets when she feels threatened." Besides, he thought, I need you here. When MECH captured him he was surprised at how much damaged they inflicted. He knew Arachnid could do worse. He refused to let himself think like that. Not today. He was staying on the Nemesis. Knock Out reminded himself that he would join the Allspark before Breakdown. After all it was Breakdown that had the brute strength, as well as the long range weapons. Yes, Breakdown would definitely outlive him. He needed to stop panicking over nothing.

"I will be. Nothing rash I know. Just out in the field and we finish her. I will see you in a few clicks. I promise." Those would be Breakdown's last words to him, a broken promise.

Knock Out busied himself with the clean up around the med bay. He got the feeling that he was going to purge and radioed Breakdown. "Breakdown what is going on? Status update!" The only response was static. "Breakdown, are you functioning!?" Static . "Noooo!" Knockout said to no one. He went as quickly as possible to the bridge only to see Dreadwing returning alone. He froze and listened. Megatron had not yet seen him.

"The reason for our inability to locate Breakdown's signal is all too clear, but how is it that you are unable to recover his remains!" He was interrupted by a communication from Arachnid and Knock Out turned away. He didn't want to hear anymore or be seen at that point. His partner was gone and so was his body. Primus only knew what she did with it.

Dreadwing walked out in a fury and almost ran over the medic. "Doctor?"

The smaller mech stepped back.

"I am indeed sorry." There was no emotion in his voice. It was just the common curtsey given when a warrior was lost. It made Knock Out more furious. He couldn't hold his vocal processors.

"You're sorry? Where is his body? He was a warrior and deserves a proper burial. You have robbed him of that honor" Knock Out had replaced his hand with his buzz saw and was pointing it at Dreadwing.

Dreadwing stopped suddenly. "I AM sorry!" he said again and began to walk slowly down the corridor leaving Knock Out. "Skyquake didn't get that honor either, if you recall." He stopped. "I know what you are feel…thinking, There is a way we could honor both of them. No one else has to know. I will speak with you about it later. Right now there is much to be done." He transformed and flew off to follow Megatron.

Megatron summoned Knockout later. "I am sorry Doctor. I trust this will not affect your work!"

"Of course not, my Leige, the big brute was my assistant nothing more. I managed before and I will continue to do so." Knock Out cringed inside from the lie he was telling his leader but it was necessary.

"Good to know, doctor. If you need assistance any of the vehicons are at your disposal. You are dismissed."

He returned to the empty med bay. He would grieve alone until Dreadwing returned with his idea for a memorial, however that never happened.

Knock Out pulled himself out of the memory. It still hurt but he would find time for that memorial service. Now after the war there would be time to have one. Indeed, he imagined there would be many others who would want to have such a service and he would make it a point to include Decepticon rituals in it to honor Breakdown specifically. He would make preparations. He went to see about supplies and overheard others discussing Unicron and now Megatron's upgrade. Why, Knock Out thought, Cant they just be glad he has shown the willingness to make changes. He was sure they knew he was standing there. This day was going from bad to worse. It was too much like the second experience with MECH.

"Megatron, Breakdown's signal has come back online, albeit corrupted"

"Go investigate. But be careful. It could be an Autobot trap."

"I hope not. Breakdown may have acted the brute but he was a maestro behind a rotary buffer."

He ground bridged to the coordinates unsure what he would find. He didn't allow himself to become to hopeful. It was indeed a long shot and Megatron was most likely right. He wasn't sure how exactly the Autobots could do that if it was a trap however. Then he saw him. "Breakdown, where have you been?"

He discovered the truth and his spark sank to his tanks. The events that followed only served to infuriate Knock Out more. Even he didn't think that was possible. There would be revenge. He vowed. He knew full well that Arachnid was responsible but they took his body. They tried to kill him before. This would not end well for CYLAS. He promised himself. He was even willing to go against Megatrons orders. Breakdown broke his last promise but Knock Out would keep his last promise to Breakdown. He was right. There was no doubt this human could and would be dissected into hundreds of tiny pieces as soon as he got his servos on him. He flipped through his saw, drill and hand almost unconsciously.

"We will hear him out and let him try, Knock Out. If he fails, he is all yours." Megatron told Knockout.

To Knock Out's joy and to Megatrons disappointment he did fail.

"You have earned a place at the table, Knock Out's dissection table."

No, Lord Megatron please. NOOOOOOO!"

"I will leave no fiber or fiber optic unexamined." Knock Out answered with a sadistic smile and psychotic gleam in his optics.

The screams could be heard throughout the warship. Knock Out relished in it. In a twisted way, he thought, Breakdown will still get to help me.

"You know," Knock Out told CYLAS as he was strapping him to the table, "Breakdown was one who could endure incredible pain without so much as flinching. He did so when I put him back together after you attempted to take him apart. I wonder what your pain tolerance is. I am sure it is a safe bet it can't compare to his. I will know for sure in a moment."

"Why are you taking it out on me? I didn't kill him." CYLAS asked trying unsuccessfully to distract Knock Out and prolong the inevitable.

"And you think I don't know that. While you didn't kill him you did something far worse. You tortured him. You tore his optic out leaving him partially blind and was going to dismember him while he was conscious. Then you stole his body and invaded it like a parasite. You had no problem having him on your table. I thought I would return the favor. After all I am a mech of science. You have the audacity to call yourself cybertronian. No you are not one of us and never will be. You are in fact a disgrace to both races. Pathetic human bug. " I am called sadistic. He thought. He knew he was being hypocritical but he really didn't care. If he couldn't honor his memory he would at least exact revenge.

Knock Out switched to his 'weapon' of choice, the circular saw and leaned in close to the armor covering his spark chamber. CYLAS screamed. "I haven't even touched you yet! This is going to be fun"

The blade whirled and scraped the paint off his chassis as Starscream entered. "Are you really just going to dissect him? It is Breakdown's body after all. If you plan on torturing him at least prolong it. I have some ideas. I am responsible for gaining intel for a reason you know."

"this isn't about that, Starscream. He is my experiment. Not your POW."

"I know that. You can drag out the experiment and maybe find something useful. What was that you were working on? Synth-En? Didn't it make the Autobot crazy. You were refining it correct? There is your test subject."

For once Screamer has a brilliant plan. He thought. "You may have something there Screamer" Knock Out acknowledged. "I'll be back."

Days passed. Knock Out had to admit keeping him alive this long was enjoyable. He found himself being snarky less with the others aboard the warship. It was in a way therapeutic. He still missed Break down and imagined if he had been helping. He was finding the properties of the Synth-En interesting. Like Ratchet it was making CYLAS aggressive but he had discovered other odd things too. He was burning through his own at a fast rate. He could starve quickly.

Starscream asked him if it bothered him that it was Breakdown's body. He told him it didn't. It was after all only his shell. He knew his spark was gone for good but it did ocassionally trigger memories from when he made the repairs from the abduction.

Knock Out left that file. He knew what would happen if he continued down that train of though. I lost Breakdown again and the same thing happened to Megatron. He knew it was wise to process throgu it so he did.

"Seriously, Knock Out could you keep you lab rat quiet. It is getting annoying."

"Starscream. I hope you got your T-Cog back so I can rip it out and feed it to Knock Out" CYLAS moaned

Knock Out laughed to himself. He had to admit that was a clever insult. Not that it ever would happen.

"With his aggression and strength under a sane bot's control he could make a powerful weapon." Starscream suggested.

"And how are we going to do that?"

"With dark energon"

Knockout knew at that point Starscream had lost it. He had done stupid things but that topped it. "What? That stuff is more unstable than the synth-en. Sure Lord Megatron can control the army he made but remember what happened when he tried to command the warship with it. The Nemesis naturalized us all." He hated thinking about coming around with the human Jack standing in front of him and Ratchet's attack afterwards. "We can't use that much and besides we don't know how it will interact with the synth-en. I will need Shockwave's permission first. He is in charge of scientific endeavors." That was a fact Knock Out hated but submitted to.

Somehow he allowed himself to be convinced to try it with disastrous results. CYLAS was a zombicon that reawakened Arachnid and he found himself running for his life, losing everything he was working on and watching Breakdown's body be destroyed again. It was like losing him all over again and he still didn't have a body to properly dispose of. At that moment he not only hated Arachnid but Starscream as well and to an extent himself for being stupid enough to go along with it.

His internal chronometer pulled him out of his daydream. It was time to go to work. He kept to himself most of the time but actually tried to not be snarky with Ratchet. It would do no good. As the day came to a close he realized Ratchet had a plan. He had been listening to him talk all day and it was annoying but perhaps there was hope.

"Knock Out, I appreciate the effort you have put into this. I imagine it is difficult."

More than you know Hatchet. Knockout thought but said nothing.

"We are having a memorial service tomorrow for all of the fallen during the war. Obviously Optimus will be honored but there are others. Each will be given a chance to remember another fallen comrade" he paused. "and friend who is now one with the All Spark. We will each do it in our own way with our own rituals. You of course are invited. I know you suffered losses. If you have some nonviolent rituals you wish to use it is permissible. Just wanted to let you know so you could prepare if you want to attend."

"Thank you." Knock Out responded. "I will"

He left and said nothing else. Tomorrow would indeed be a better day.

A/N That concludes his memories. I may write the ceremony and include a few more but I don't know. For now it is finished.