Author's Note: Here's part two. I'll try to cut them into three parts, like I did with Street Fighter Beta. Again, not like anyone cares…
Disclaimer: I don't own Street Fighter.
Street Fighter II
The Gay-nimated Movie
Part II
Glinting sinisterly in the sun's rays, Bison's evil jet of sinister evil zoomed through the sky. Onboard, Bison sat in a comfortable seat before a large screen, where the clichéd mad scientist bowed and began to speak to his superior.
"Our cyborg in Seattle sent us a tape before it malfunctioned for some odd reason." He shrugged. "Apparently it…tripped and fell into the ocean. I think you'll find it most valuable to your search."
"Hmph!" Bison snorted skeptically. "This had best be more worthwhile than the new Disney Princesses special I rented! Thing was a piece of crap and I want my money back!"
"Hey, I liked it!" Vega piped up from the back.
"You would!" Bison snapped at him. "Now shut up! We're returning to base!" The sinister jet adjusted its flight course and made tracks back to the secret lab of evil (or evil lab of secret? Can't remember). Bison forced his subordinates to once again pose at the top of the stairs and do…the walk. After several minutes of this, he entered the control room and took his usual seat. Vega crawled into the room behind him, sobbing in agony.
"My sexy toes! They're bleeding!"
"Alright!" Bison glared at the screen before him, where the clichéd mad scientist had appeared once again. "Show us this tape."
"Yes, sir." The mad scientist nodded, placing a tape into a VCR player next to him. "I believe you'll find it most enlightening!"
Bison and his lackeys all leaned forward expectantly.
The tape flickered on.
"AWWWWWWWWGH!!" Everyone recoiled in horror, faces contorted with disgust.
The tape was of Ken and the Native American fighter making sweet homosexual love.
"Wow, that's hot," Vega stated. Everyone uncovered their eyes to stare at him. "…Well it is!"
"Ken Masters is connected with Ryu," the mad scientist explained, the tape (thankfully) flickering out. "As you can see…" he pulled out a hefty folder filled with police reports and restraining orders. "…Plus he made this." He reached over and clicked a button. Immediately a site popped up on screen…of naked pictures of Ryu. The site was called 'Ryu-Watch'. "It turns out the two of them have studied under the same master for ten years." The scientist paused once again. "Ken's been in love with Ryu for eight."
"Hmm…yes, I see…" Bison murmured, thinking evil thoughts. "Gentlemen, we have found him!!"
"…Our new research specimen?" The clichéd mad scientist asked excitedly.
"…No. Waldo. See?" Bison held up the Where's Waldo book and pointed him out. "And I did it all by myself too!"
"Good job, boss!" Sagat congratulated him, patting his shoulder. "This calls for a round of warm milks for everyone!"
Hearty cheers filled the room.
"Wait, sir! There's more!" The clichéd mad scientist interrupted. "They have Cammy at Interpol, and she's being questioned!"
Bison pursed his lips, considering.
"…With whips and chains?"
"Wha…what? No."
"Then I don't give a shit!"
-Back in AMERICA-
Back in the good ol' US of A, Guile drove through the darkened streets of a city. After several twist and turns, he arrived at a tollbooth, where a soldier held up a hand and he stopped his car.
"Identification, please," the soldier said politely.
Guile held up his ID.
"Other identification, please," the soldier said, firmly.
Guile scowled at him, then sighed and poked his head out of his car window, displaying his crown of outrageous hair.
"Well that settles it!" The soldier stated matter-of-factly. "Only Captain Guile himself has hair that ridiculous! Go ahead, sir, sorry to keep you waiting!" He waved Guile in as he muttered and swore under his breath, driving off into the base. As he drove deeper into the place, he was forced to screech to a halt when a figure appeared in his headlights.
The Asian beauty, Chun-Li, stood in his way.
"Get outta my way, Great Bitch of China!" Guile barked, in no mood for games.
"We have to work together!" Chun-Li barked back. "It's the only way to- wait. Did you just call me fat?"
"No. Now move or I'll run your fat ass over!"
"Oh, I bet you Ameri-CAN'T!" Chun-Li snorted.
Guile put his car in reverse, backed up, revved the engine, then screamed forward and hit Chun-Li in the knees before jerking to a halt.
"…Sorry, I…have bad brakes," Guile stated as she staggered back to her feet.
"Oh, I'm gonna break something, alright!" She snarled, rubbing her smarting knees. "Look, one of my buns is loose…"
"Actually, I think they're both pretty tight-"
"SHUT IT!" Chun-Li, now sure that her knees weren't broken, straightened and glared at her stubborn opponent. "Look, let's just put our differences aside and work together! It's the only way we can catch Bison! You're putting personal emotions before common sense! You'll never defeat Bison that way!"
"Shut up! How would you understand!" Guile opened the door to his car and stormed up to Chun-Li. "That bastard! I'll never forgive him! He…he…cheated on me!"
"That's not-"
"With VEGA."
"Euuugh." Chun-Li gagged. She could understand Sagat or Balrog, but Vega? Good lord, why not do a chick? "Okay, so Vega is the other woman. But still! We need to-"
"No, that's not how I roll!" Guile cut her off. "It's just me! Me and my hair, honey, so back off!"
"Well then…are you man enough to check out my other abilities?" Chun-Li crossed her arms and cocked a brow. Guile stared at her for a long moment, looked her up and down, then shrugged.
"Oh, alright. Turn around and bend over, sweetheart."
"Ex-CUSE me?!" Chun-Li sputtered in outrage.
"But…but you just said…"
"I mean fight me!!"
"Oh- OH! Fight you!" Guile paused. "I thought you meant you were a tiger in the sack." There was an awkward silence. "You sure you don't wanna-"
"ARGH!!" Chun-Li decided to end the conversation and so launched herself at Guile. The two of them scuffled for a moment, Chun-Li dancing around him and flipping onto the hood of his car. She sat down with a smirk.
"I'd like Bison myself-" She began.
"What, you're after his hot ass too?!"
"NO! He killed my father!" Chun-Li growled, then cocked her head, considering. "It's his subordinates asses I want." She smiled. "So…will you team up with me?"
A silent stare-down took place between the two, lasting until one of them was forced to giggle.
"Alright, alright," Guile said through his titters. "Here's my answer." He reached into his pocket and grabbed his keys.
*Weee-ooo! Weee-ooo!*
Chun-Li shrieked and fell off Guile's car as its panic alarm came on. Guile took advantage of the opening and hopped into his car, taking off into the night.
"Asshole!" Chun-Li hollered after him. She blinked as his brake lights came on, and the vehicle screeched backward in reverse.
*THUD!*
"…Sorry." Guile poked his head out his window and looked back at Chun-Li's fallen form. "Bad brakes. I warned you."
-Later, in Los Angelos-
In the city of Los Angelos, a plane landed in the dead of night on a lit runway. As the plane slid to a stop, a hatch opened and Guile jumped out, a single suitcase clutched under one beefy arm.
"…Can you let me out now?" Chun-Li's muffled voice asked from inside. "I…can't feel my toes."
"Yeah, sorry." Guile undid the latches and she tumbled free. "I…have bad flier miles. It was either stuff you in a suitcase or pretend you're a bitch."
Chun-Li stared at him in confusion.
"A…bitch? Oh! Oh, you mean a dog!"
"No, I actually mean a b-"
*SLAP!*
The two of them climbed into a small Jeep and began driving down the highway, intent on reaching a certain location.
"Why are we going to a disco?" Chun-Li asked, sitting in the passenger seat. "Are we looking for one of those sentry cyborgs?"
"No, I…I just gotta dance!" Guile sighed, running a hand through his hair. "This whole week has been really stressful, and I just gotta dance it out!"
Chun-Li stared at him.
"I swear you are almost as gay as Ken Masters."
Meanwhile, at the very disco they were headed to, men suddenly came flying out of the windows, hitting the pavement with dull thuds. The owner of the disco, DJ, a huge, shirtless black man with dreadlocks and sunglasses, moon-walked out after them.
"Y'all suckahs best get out, if y'all can't take mah rhythmic shouts!" He rapped. The men who'd been thrown out simply stared, dumbfounded.
"Oh God that didn't even RHYME-"
"Look, just get the *bleep* up out mah place, dig?" DJ stated.
Nearby, several sentry cyborgs had their eyes on DJ. One of the cyborgs was wearing a jersey and baggy pants, break-dancing on a piece of cardboard with a boombox blaring. Another cyborg was dressed as a pimp complete with huge, feathered cap and cane, and was slapping up a few hookers for good measure.
These robots are masters of disguise.
As DJ finished kicking out the offenders, Guile and Chun-Li ran up from down the street.
"Nice to meet you, I'm Captain Guile," he began. "And this is-"
"Sweet melt in your mouth caramel bar-" Chun-Li gasped out upon catching sight of DJ. Guile gave her a smack. "I mean…I'm Chun-Li. How do you do?"
"What's crack-a-lackin', homies?" DJ asked, turning to them.
"We're here to warn you!" Guile explained. "Shadowlaw is after you!"
"Fo' realz, brah?" DJ shook his head. "Oh, that is just wiggedy-wak! I iz just keepin' it real, holmz, and them hatahz-"
"Please…speak English." Guile interrupted, not having understood a single word DJ had just said.
"He wants to know why they're after him," Chun-Li translated, then glanced back at DJ. "Other than the obvious reason that he is one of the sexiest bruthas alive."
"Shadowlaw is gathering data on fighters," Guile explained. "And-"
"OW!" Chun-Li cried out as the pimp-cyborg wandered over and gave her a slap. "Hey, I am NOT a whore!" She grabbed the cyborg and yanked off its head. "Huh. It's not usually that easy. Oh, he's a cyborg! And look! There's another one!!" She dropped the first cyborg's head and pointed at the break-dancing robot. It froze, then began doing the robot. "You're not fooling anyone!!" Off came its head as well.
"DJ, help us by telling-" Guile began.
"Huh?" DJ looked at Guile, confused.
"Uh, I mean, puttin' the word out on the street about these wangsters, dawg! Ya dig?"
"I dig." DJ fist-bumped with Guile and winked at Chun-Li. "Later, ho!"
"Call me!" She giggled, blushing.
Unbeknownst to the others, watching the entire scene take place was one final cyborg, through which Bison was able to witness everything. The evil mastermind of Shadowlaw chuckled to himself as the camera focused on Guile.
"Well, well, well. That old flame." He smirked. "So he's still crawling after me, is he? Poor fool doesn't know when to take a hint." The camera panned away from Guile and focused on Chun-Li. "Oh, she's just a cutie-patootie, this one! What do you think, Vega?" He turned to the masked warrior, who was the only one of his subordinates present at the moment.
"Her buns are a-dorable!" Vega gushed.
"Hmm, yes," Bison agreed. "Her rear is quite-"
"I…meant the ones on her head."
Bison stared at him for several long moments.
"Are you…sure you're up to this?" He asked finally. Vega nodded.
"Yes, sir!" He answered eagerly, lifting a claw, which shined with wicked light. "I will without a doubt ambush her and…braid her hair all night long."
"Just GO already, will you?!" Bison barked, covering his face with his hands in embarrassment as Vega turned and skipped merrily out of the room.
-Las Vegas-
Many miles away in the city of sin, Las Vegas, a huge party was being held. Champagne was served to wealthy gentlemen in tuxes, beautiful women in silken gowns accompanying them, all chatting to one another and enjoying the carefree atmosphere. Balrog stood off to the side of the party, speaking into a small phone.
"Yup, all the crime lords are here at the party. Huh? What's that? No, I don't know how long I'll be out. Yes, I'm wearing clean underwear. Yes. I'm not lying! Yes, I brushed my teeth, too. And- floss? Okay, okay! I'll do it before I go to bed. Sheesh." He paused. "I…I love you too. Bye." Balrog sighed and snapped the phone closed. "Damn Bison. Never lets up."
After a few more minutes of idle chit-chat, the partygoers were rounded up and led into an expansive arena room, all taking seats to watch some sort of exciting spectacle. Once everyone was seated, the show was on! Blanka, the green beast, and Zangief, the enormous hairy wrestler, were released into the arena to battle it out. The two fought for a bit, then began a two-step and were joined with a chorus line of Vegas show-girls who sang and kicked up their heels – come on! It's Vegas, isn't it?
-New York-
Back in New York, Chun-Li had retired to her apartment, taking a shower. Sorry, boys, nothing for you to see here! Unless you got the uncensored version, then you get to see some titties.
"What?!" Chun-Li stumbled out of the shower and snatched up a towel. "No-one told me about that! I never agreed to anything of that nature!" Wrapping herself up, she scuttled out of the bathroom and dashed to her bedroom, where she quickly put on underwear and a t-shirt. "Damn perverts…" Chun-Li brushed out her hair, re-braiding it in the familiar bun-style. Once it was over, she sighed and lay back on her bed, cuddling with one of her pillows. "Oh…Sagat, Balrog, DJ…you're all so manly!"
"Hey, baby."
Chun-Li opened her eyes to find Vega clinging to her ceiling. She stared up him.
"You're not Balrog."
Vega shook his head.
"Or Sagat."
Vega shook his head again. Chun-Li frowned.
"Good Lord, I'm not even sure you're a man!"
"I am too!" Vega huffed, then dropped down onto her bed. "Pillow fight!" He squealed, snatching up a pillow and hurling it at her face.
"Get offa me, ya fairy!" Chun-Li snapped.
"How DARE you insinuate that I'm gay?!" Vega gasped in shock.
"Uh, dude," Chun-Li pointed out, "you wear spandex, you hair is longer and nicer than mine, and you're obsessed with your looks."
Vega paused, considering.
"Hmm, yeah. You have a point. Plus I have sex with men-"
"GET OUTTA MY ROOM, GIRLY-MAN!!" Chun-Li leapt at Vega, and the fight began. Out in the hallway, her phone rang in vain.
"Come on, pick up the phone!" Guile complained from the other line, attempting to phone Chun-Li as he drove his car around the city. "I'm sorry I pretended to be DJ that last time! Just pick up the phone already!"
As Chun-Li and Vega battled, they crashed out of the bedroom, hitting the phone and making it fall to the floor. Guile's eyes bulged as he heard the screams and cries of Chun-Li over the phone line.
"No! Stop!" She begged. "Get away from my hair with that curling iron! It can't take the heat! NOOOOOOOO!"
"Oh my gosh!" Guile gasped in horror. "Chun-Li's adorable buns are in danger! And this time I am talking about the ones on her head!" Guile threw the phone down and slammed on the accelerator, putting the pedal to the metal in order to reach Chun-Li in time.
Back in the apartment, the fight between woman and womanly man continued. Vega stepped back and laughed cruelly, his claws glinting.
"There, I gave you a haircut, sweetums! How do you like it?"
Chun-Li gasped as she felt at her head and found that nearly half of one bun had been sheared off.
"You…you MONSTER!!" She screamed in fury, heaving up her couch and hurling it at her attacker.
All the way below, Guile finally arrived at Chun-Li's apartment building, rolling from the still moving vehicle and running inside as it hit a wall and exploded in a crimson fireball. What can I say? He's an AMERICAN. Since the elevator was too stinky (Guile suspected it was the little old lady's fart which meant it would be particularly nasty), he skipped on by and dashed for the stairs. Little did he know Chun-Li was on the fiftieth floor…
A good hour later, after Guile had managed to drag himself up the final flight of steps, he puffed down the hall and kicked open the door to Chun-Li's apartment with a girly grunt.
"Chun-Li!" He called, entering the darkened room. "Oh, GOD there's hair everywhere!" He caught sight of Chun-Li, collapsed against the wall. He hurried to her side and gently helped her up. "Chun-Li? You okay?"
"G…Guile?" Chun-Li's eyes fluttered open and she weakly raised her head. "How…how are…my buns?"
"They're…really tight and cute," Guile joked, a tear in his eye. Chun-Li chuckled softly.
"Very funny. Are they…oh GOD…is that my hair over there?"
"Shh! Shh!" Guile pressed her face into his chest as a manner of comfort but instead smothered her into near unconsciousness. "Don't look, sweetie. Don't look. We'll get through this together. Shh!"
Chun-Li began sobbing quietly, and Guile rocked her back and forth. He blinked and looked around, confused.
"Chun-Li? Where is he? Where's Vega?" He asked.
"Heh heh…I…got him back…" Chun-Li snickered, then fainted. Guile put her down and walked over to couch to find-
"Oh LORD." He quickly averted his eyes from the horrible scene before him and shuddered. "A mushroom haircut? Damn, bitch, that's harsh. I almost feel sorry for the bastard."
-Later…-
"Her hair?" The Police Chief at Interpol sighed into the phone, voice tinged with regret. "What a shame. Those buns of hers were adorable." He paused. "She still has the ones on her butt, right?"
"…Yeah, they were there last time I checked," Guile drawled, speaking from the other line at the Hospital where he'd rushed Chun-Li moments earlier. "Any news?"
"Yes, actually" the Police Chief went on. "Reports show that Bison will probably go after Ken Masters next. He's good…not that…I would know or anything." He blushed and glanced at his full-wall poster of Ken naked in a bed of roses. "Bison will most likely try to approach him."
"What?! Who is this 'Ken'?! Is he hotter than me?! DAMMIT!" Guile snarled into the phone and punched the wall. "The doctors say they'll try to save Chun-Li's hair, but it's pretty touch and go…. They…they don't know if she'll-"
"Oh my GOD! It's a Code Red!!" A doctor suddenly shrieked and ran up to Guile. "This poor man has a hideously bulbous growth on his head, most probably feeding off his brain fluids! He needs surgery, stat!!"
"That's not a growth, it's my hair!" Guile growled, fighting off the doctor, who was now armed with a pair of lethal scissors. "How many times do I have to tell you people that?!!"
-Washington Lake-
Away at Washington Lake, Ken was taking a ride in his car with his (fake) girlfriend. Music blared from the radio, their hair blew in the wind, and-
*Screeeeeeeech!!*
Ken suddenly slammed on the brakes and turned to the girl with a glare.
"…This isn't working," he stated.
"You're telling me!" The woman snorted. "These clothes aren't even my color!" She gestured to her choice of apparel, which were an exact copy of Ryu's.
"That's because you're not trying hard enough," Ken snapped. "Now let's try again." He started driving again. "…Ryu…will you marry-"
"It's illegal."
"You and your vagina ruin everything!!" Ken hollered. Fuming, he turned away and let his mind wander back to the years of his training with Ryu and their non-existent teacher. During those years, he and Ryu had run free over the mountain, through the woods, the trees-
"No day-dreaming!! You're driving, dumbass!" A shriek from his pretend-Ryu/girlfriend brought Ken back to the present with a jolt and he gasped as a huge semi bore down on him.
"Whoa! Sorry!" He quickly jerked the wheel to the side, dodging the oncoming traffic and escaping with their lives intact. The two drove on in silence for several long moments afterward. "…I peed a little."
"Oh, great," the woman sighed dismally. "I'm gonna have to wash those jeans twice."
Finally the ride ended with Ken taking his date home and driving off into the night. As Ken drove, he once again began remembering Ryu and their times together long ago.
"Ryu…" he thought aloud, fists tightening on the wheel, "I'm getting tired of waiting!" (This is actual dialogue from the English version. Feel free to giggle). As Ken continued to drive, a huge object dropped from the clouds behind and began following his car, hovering ever closer. Ken glanced in the rear-view mirror and finally noticed he had a stalker. "Objects in mirror are close than they- Oh my gosh it's a UFO!" Ken gasped. "Is it aliens? Little ET? Will they anally probe me?!" He went quiet for a moment. "…Maybe I should slow down."
Ken stomped on the brake and brought his car to a grinding halt on the side of the road. He watched as the UFO – which turned out to be Bison's evil jet of sinisterly…evil evil? Something! – also stopped, hovering in midair. A small staircase lowered, and Bison stepped out, cape whipping in the wind and eyes gleaming.
"Greetings, Mr. Masters!" He called down mockingly to his prey. "I have come for you!"
Ken stared up at him in awed silence.
"…I love you. Take me, hot Alien man."
"Join me, and I'll make you an even greater fighter than Ryu!" Bison went on. Ken's eyes narrowed upon hearing Ryu's name, and he came to his senses.
"Ryu…how dare you try to trick me! It's Ryu I love!"
"Oh? Have I hit a nerve?" Bison chuckled and used his psychic powers (…yeah he has those) to lift Ken off the ground and up to his level. "…Why are your pants wet?"
"I…I was startled, okay?" Ken huffed and colored. "Hmm…I guess I'm in no position to bargain…" He fidgeted around in mid-air until he was in a sexy pose. "Now I am! How's this, huh?"
"Better," Bison admitted. "I'll fashion you into a real fighter!"
"Oh, well that doesn't sound so bad-"
"Let's start with shoes."
"Ryu, HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!"
-Later…-
Guile drove a jeep through the night, a single soldier accompanying him in the passenger-side seat.
"Why are you driving to see Ken Masters, sir?" The soldier asked curiously.
"It's possible Bison is targeting him," Guile explained. "We have to reach him before he does!"
The inside of the jeep was suddenly filled with an awkward silence.
"You think he's cuter than me, don't you?" The soldier said quietly.
"Dammit, soldier, we've been over this!!" Guile broke off his protests as a red sports-car came into sight down the road. Screeching to a halt, Guile and the soldier got out and ran to the vehicle, searching it thoroughly.
"Is this Ken's car?" Guile wondered. The soldier nodded and pointed.
The car's license plate said "ILUVRYU", and the windshield was plastered with many pictures of Ryu, making it almost impossible to see the road through the mess.
"No doubt about it. It's his," Guile sighed. He frowned at the pictures. "I'm pretty sure that's a driving hazard."
"…The pictures or the extreme gayness, sir?" The soldier ventured.
"BOTH," Guile answered. "Dammit! We're too late. Bison got him…"
"…Do you really think he's cuter than me? Come on, tell me, I won't be mad."
"*Bleep*-dammit, man, just get in the car already!!"
"You don't have to yell! You have to talk to me!"
-At Interpol-
Back at the police headquarters, Interpol, the Police Chief and others, including Guile, were holding a briefing to discuss what measures would be taken to stop Bison and rescue Ken.
"Shadowlaw has stationed monitor cyborgs all over the world," the Police Chief was explaining. "Thankfully, we've outsmarted them and remain un-breached. Oh, thank you." He turned and accepted a steaming cup of joe from a cyborg disguised as an intern. "…Someone give him a raise, will you?" He gestured at the robot and took a sip. "Mmmm. He's a hard worker."
"Sir! We've located Ryu, who trained with Ken Masters!" An officer handed Guile a clipboard displaying a picture of Ryu as well as data on him. Guile gasped aloud.
"My GOD. No wonder he turned gay, he's beautiful," he said dreamily.
"…What?"
"Er…I said where is he?"
"He travels around a lot," the officer explained, "never sitting still. He only uses cash, never cards or checks, so we can't trace him that way either. It's…it's almost as if he's…running from something. Or someONE."
…Gee. Take a guess as to who that could be.
-At General Hospital-
At New York City, Guile paid Chun-Li another visit back at the hospital. He stood next to her bed, staring down at her unconscious body. Her hair was hooked up to a heart-rate monitor (wait, how is it beeping?), and Guile spoke to her, softly.
"Hey, kid…you're looking…you're looking good…" He faltered, then continued with difficulty. "Anyway, great news. We found Bison's hideout…so…I'll be sure to get revenge for you. You just stay here, and…and…get…better…" He slowly reached over and began braiding what was left of her hair before bursting into tears and running from the room, hands covering his face. "Oh God I can't take it! I can't stand to see your buns like this! Bison…damn you! You'll pay!"
"Ah! It's the escaped patient from before!" A doctor cried. "Get him!!" A group of doctors piled on Guile as he squawked indignantly.
-At the Secret Shadowlaw Base of Evil-
Back at Shadowlaw's evil secret hideout, Bison was busy doing normal things, like dusting his lab, baking cookies, and brainwashing Ken into a coma. Bison stood outside the room, watching through a window while, inside, Ken sat naked on a chair, hooked up to- wait, WHAT? He's NAKED? WHY?
"Hmm, yeah, I probably should have put a towel down or something before I put him on that chair," Bison admitted.
…But why is he naked? Seriously.
"It's part of the brainwashing procedure!" Bison insisted.
It is?
"…Alright, it isn't, but this takes a really long time and I should at least get something to look at! I mean, really!" He turned to a nearby computer screen and began sorting through Ken's memories, deleting the ones he felt unnecessary. "Oh, I just love that crumpling paper sound!" He giggled diabolically. "Now, let's see…gotta sort through these memories…sex…sex…more gay sex…sex…attempted hetero-sex…gay sex…Good Lord, does this boy do anything else?" He paused. "Oh, look. Monopoly." He paused again. "Oh God! Strip Monopoly! With construction workers! Delete! Delete, delete, delete!!"
*Be-Boop*!
"What?! Trashcan full?! How is that even possible?! Oh, I knew I should have lain something down before putting him on that chair!!!"
Ken growled in his sleep and muttered.
"A…anal probe!"
"I said no!" Bison barked out at him through the intercom. "Now shut up and let me brainwash you!!" He paused for a moment before continuing. "Thank you, sir. Please drive around to the next window!"
"You make that sound sexy-" Ken muttered.
"I don't need no lip from you!!"
-Elsewhere at the Moment…-
Ryu, meanwhile, was blissfully unaware of his best friend/potential rapist's predicament, and was busy climbing a *bleep*ing mountain. Why? Because he's a MAN, that's why. Also, he's running from Ken, and that justifies about everything. As Ryu climbed, old, unwanted memories of Ken resurfaced…
"You bitch!!" A younger-looking Ken screeched at Ryu. "How dare you not return my feelings!" He slapped Ryu across the face, causing him to fall over backwards and tumble down the many temple steps. "…Now look what you made me do!" Ken hurried down and helped Ryu back to his feet. "I'm sorry! It'll never happen again, I swear!" He tied a pink bow around Ryu's bleeding forehead. "Now let's go make out-"
"I just told you I'm straight-" Ryu began.
"You bitch! I'll make you love me! Just wait!!"
"…And that's how it all started," Ryu sighed as he continued to climb. Geez, why doesn't Bison delete all of his crappy memories? Poor guy needs it.
Guile, meanwhile, was sitting in the back of a helicopter, hugging himself tightly and sucking his thumb.
"Captain Guile," the pilot spoke through the intercom, "we'll be there in a few minutes. Be strong till then."
"Roger." Guile replied.
"…You copy?"
"No, I mean send Roger back here so he can hold and rock me until we arrive. Also, I'm pretty sure I wet myself when we hit some turbulence a little while back."
"Alright, you hear that, Roger?" The captain spoke. "Bring a towel."
"Dammit, I hate my job!!" Pitiful Roger lamented.
-Back at Shadowlaw's Secret Base…-
Back at his evil base, Bison swiveled dramatically in his chair, whirling around to-
"Oh gosh-darnit!" He cursed. "I spilled my warm milk! Now my new cloak is ruined!" He fussed about with his cape before turning his rage on the clichéd mad scientist. "YOU! You can create monitor cyborgs to spy in every inch of the globe, but you can't fix my chair?!"
"Sir, I told you," the clichéd mad scientist explained with exasperation, "that's the slowest it can swivel."
"…Are you saying that it's my fault the milk spills?" Bison asked dangerously.
"Of…of course not!" The clichéd mad scientist quickly corrected himself. "It's…it's Balrog's." He pointed at the black boxer.
"Say wha-"
"BALROG!!" Bison rounded on him, eyes blazing with fury. "As punishment, you have to be the one to go peel Ken off the brainwashing chair!"
"What? Aw…awwwgh!" Balrog gagged and made a face. "Do…do I at least get gloves or something?"
"NO."
"Dammit!!" Balrog stomped out of the room, swearing like Fifty Cent.
"Guile is trying to reach Ryu first," Bison mused, swiveling forward once again, "but we'll be the ones to claim him."
"Please, Master. Let me fight him!" Sagat begged, stepping forward. Bison scowled at him.
"And you! Will you get over him already? What are you, in love with him?"
"What? No! That's ridiculous!" Sagat spluttered, cheeks darkening in a flush. "I…I am not! I just want to fight him, beat him, hold him in the thunderstorm again-" He paused, lower lip quivering dangerously. "Oh my God I AM in love with him!!" Sagat burst into girly sobs as Bison rolled his eyes.
"Why is everyone I recruit into Shadowlaw so effing gay?" He growled to himself. "Oh well. At least I'm safe." He paused, then twirled in his chair and lifted his arms up in glee. "Wheeeeeeee!"
-End Part 2-
Disclaimer: I don't own Street Fighter.
Author's Note: Yeah, last one yet to come. Gimme a few days.
