Author's Notes: This one took me 4 times longer to write and it's twice as confusing. I could make it into a series if I was ambitious enough.

I decided to experiment with line breaks in this chapter. Hopefully it helps.


Don't Call me Again

The wicked witch is dead! The wicked witch is dead!

Ding dong the witch is dead

Which old witch?

The wicked witch

Ding dong the wicked witch is deaaad!

"Yaaay! The witch is dead!" Gir exclaimed cheerfully bouncing off the couch. He landed upside down on the floor and grinned as the little munchkins on TV started marching around in song. "I wanna be like the twister was!"

Before Gir started spinning around the room Zim came out of the toilet elevator, and lasers immediately covered the entire toilet bowl.

There was a giant lock on the trash can. The picture of the green monkey above the couch had been nailed into place so the screen behind it couldn't be accessed, and Zim had poured concrete into all the hidden tunnels in the floor.

He realized after doing this that he could have just reprogrammed the house to close them off, but it was too late now.

"Gir!" he called as he entered the living room. Of course he found his stupid minion in the middle of doing something extremely stupid. Gir was spinning on his head while trying to drink out of two straws.

The suckmonkey he'd been drinking was splattered on the ceiling, so Gir wasn't actually drinking anything, and he ended up getting one of the straws stuck in his throat.

"Glaaaah! Glaaah Blechhh!" Gir made a variety of choking noises.

"Stop it Gir! You're a robot remember? You can't choke on anything!" Zim irritably cut-in, interrupting his minion's 'fun.'

Gir sat up and stared at Zim with a stupid grin on his face. "I knew that!" he announced.

"Did you really…?" Zim questioned raising an antenna.

The SIR's smile broadened. "No!"

Sighing, Zim reached for the remote on the couch and switched the TV off.

"Ahhh!" Gir cried when he saw his show was 'missing' from the TV. He slammed his face into the blank screen. "Where'd it go!?"

"That's enough Gir!" Zim snapped as his minion continued to cry and wail. "I need you to listen…listen to me!" Zim curled his claws menacingly, but Gir wasn't affected by menacing. He was however deeply scarred by the fact that his show was no longer playing.

"I miss you Wizard!" Gir sobbed. "Why did you leave me!?"

"Listen to me Gir! This is important!" Zim spoke loudly.

The SIR managed to pry himself away from the TV, and he stood at attention in front of his master.

"The Tallests were very angry when you kept calling them… they even refused to give me, ZIM, their new number! I had to hack into the Massive to get that number! All that… hacking… it was horrible! It took me four horrible days!" he paused. "Did I mention it was horrible?"

Gir giggled at this, and Zim shot him a glare.

"That's why I've placed extra security around the base Gir, to keep you from playing with the communication link! If you try to go underground you'll be destroyed by lasers and other death-things! Do you understand?"

"Yes sir!" Gir said in his serious duty-mode voice.

"Good… I'm going to skool now, so listen to ZIM for once you awful minion!"

"But it's Saturday!" Gir remarked sticking his tongue out happily.

"Yes, but the Dib and I have Saturday skool because of my last brilliant plan!" Zim smiled as he remembered the doom he inflicted on the Dib before his experiment exploded. "It sure was brilliant, but now I've got to go attend this inferior human punishment thingy."

He stared meaningfully at Gir and raised a finger. He opened his mouth to speak, but he decided there was no point because Gir probably wouldn't remember.

Zim marched to the front door, and Gir watched him leave. As soon as his master was out of sight, Gir flicked the TV back on and continued watching the "Wizard of Oz."

Then the house started flashing a fun red colour. Gir grinned and stood up off the floor.

Incoming transmission the computer said.

"I'm gunna answer it!" Gir announced heading for a mouse hole. He quickly made it Gir size and fell down to the communications room landing flat on his face.

I still don't think you should be down here… the computer told the squished SIR.

Gir popped up and laughed. "But I gotta answer the beeping noise talking squirrel!"

No… you don't… and I'm not a talking squirrel.

Deciding to ignore the funny voice, Gir hopped onto the chair and pressed the receive button.


Lard Nar was fully awake, and for good reason. He'd slept for two days straight and spent the next two days held up in a drainage line with Shloonktapooxis fighting off a sewage monster that had crawled up from the depths of the unknown.

Now he was ready to get back at the Tallests for keeping him awake with that annoying SIR unit. He decided to call that morning after a grotesque breakfast of sewer mushrooms on a spit.

It turns out that the quickest way to get over mushroom sickness was to run screaming through the sewer tunnels while being pursued by a ravenous monster. Who knew?

"I remember you!" Gir shrieked. "I remember YOU!"

Luckily there was a grate blocking the pipe-line otherwise Lard Nar might have fallen backwards into the mainline. That's how loud the SIR unit was being, and there was still that scaly green monster to consider…

"Yeah, I remember you too," Lard Nar said in a much quieter voice.

"What you whispering for pickleman?" Gir asked. "Did you find the zombies!? Are they gunna eat your brains!?"

Instead of trying to get the SIR unit to be quieter, Lard Nar simply turned the volume on his communicator down.

"Sir… I think we might have a small problem!" Shloonktapooxis said. He was nearly as loud as Gir, and Lard Nar cringed and held his breath when he heard the sewer creature roar.

"Its gunna eat you!" Gir cheered. His friend pig wandered into the room, and he went to say hi while Lard Nar and Shloonktapooxis fought off the sewer beast that was trying its hardest to devour them.

Then Gir called Dib who was supposed to be at detention, but he wasn't.


The boy heard Tak's ship beeping from the garage and he pulled himself away from Mysterious Mysteries to answer it.

"Hey, it's you!" Dib exclaimed when he saw Gir and Pig on the screen. "How did you get this number?"

"The dancing squirrels sang me a song!"

Dib made a confused face which quickly became neutral. "I really don't think the squirrels gave you my number."

"Yes they did!" Gir insisted.

"Ok…" Dib smirked. "So are you going to give me the Massive's new number?"

"What number!?"

"The Tallests changed the access codes for the communication line to the Massive," Dib tried to explain, but he could already tell by the robot's blank expression that it didn't understand. "You don't understand a thing I'm saying do you?"

"You wanna talk to Pickle!" Gir suddenly announced.

"What?" Dib raised a brow. "No I don't." He thought about it for a moment and realized that to Gir a pickle could be pretty much anything. "Or do I?"

"Say hi Pickle!" Gir exclaimed as he connected Dib's call to Lard Nar's communicator. There was nothing but static at the moment since Lard Nar and his only remaining crew member were currently trying not to die.


Tak's ship picked up another transmission, and Dib watched as the screen split in two. On one side was a very miffed looking Zim glaring at him from detention hall. The other half showed nothing but a blur of movement.

"Dib-beast! Why aren't you in detention serving out your wretched human sentence of pain and boredom!?" Zim demanded.

The boy smirked. "Don't tell me you actually went to detention Zim. No one goes there anymore."

Zim made a face. "Eugh!? What!?"

"Take a close look at the teacher," Dib said, and the Irken turned his attention away from his rival and took a careful look at the person sitting at the desk.

"Yes. Zim sees this teacher."

"Do you notice anything strange about him?"

"No not really."

Dib smacked himself in the forehead. "Jeez Zim… can't you tell it's a manikin!?" Dib questioned flabbergasted. "There hasn't been a real teacher in detention for years! Why do you think you're the only kid in that class?"

Zim's eyes widened in realization, and he glared angrily at the Dib. "Curse you Dib-thing! Cuuurse youu!"

Dib shrugged. "It's not my fault you were stupid enough to go."

"Silence! As soon as I get out of this wretched place hyuuman, I will crush you with…" Zim paused as he thought about what he was going to use to crush the Dib. "Something… very large! Yes that's it!" Zim cackled and Dib ended the transmission.

Since Gir had connected Dib's communication link with Lard Nar's, he didn't have anyone to talk to, so he typed in the number his master had written next to the key-pad.

Pig wandered away, and Gir waved goodbye as the transmission was made.


"Oh no…" Purple spoke turning to his partner.

"Not again…" Red muttered smacking himself in the forehead.

"Hi!" Gir greeted them cheerfully.

"You're not leaving me alone with this crazy SIR unit again!" Purple insisted when he saw Red trying to sneak away. "I mean it Red! Get back here!"

Purple nervously turned to the screen, hoping that what he saw would have disappeared… but no. Gir was still there. "Um uh… we're actually really busy so…"

"Taquitos!" Gir shouted. "I'm gonna feed 'em to the squirrels!"

"Yes that's um… nice?" Purple tried, and his antennae flattened when he heard the door close. Red had escaped again.

Dib played around with the controls on the ship and managed to find the "recall" button. He sent a transmission to Gir, but the SIR unit hit the "wrong" button and connected both calls to the Tallests instead.

Purple ducked behind his chair and muttered to himself as he watched the door to see if maybe Red would come back. He doubted it, but it couldn't hurt to hope a little.

"Oh cool! I called the Massive!" Dib suddenly realized. He didn't see either of the Tallests, but there were more than enough technicians to bother.

"Hey aliens! Does your entire species have the pak device? Do you all become idiots if it's removed? Huh huh?"

"How do you even know that…?" Purple muttered.

"I got a hold of Zim's pak once," Dib replied.

This bit of information interested Purple so he decided, against his better judgment, to leave his hiding spot.

"Really?" he questioned. "I'm guessing the pak attacked you, and you were forced to give it back. Right?"

"Yeah, but I was thinking about maybe trying it again. This time I'll probably use a metal-body shield."

"Metal won't work," Purple spoke up. "You'd need like an energy field or something."

"Sir, may I suggest maybe not telling the strange alien how to steal our paks…?" one of the technicians said keeping his head down and his hands busy at the controls.

Purple smirked. "Zim is the only Irken on that planet, and besides, Tallest paks are a lot different than regular ones." He really had no consideration for other, shorter, Irkens.


"Wooo! Alright, we beat it!" Shloonktapooxis cheered. The static on that half of the screen cleared revealing Lard Nar and Shloonktapooxis uneaten and somewhat alive.

"Great…" Lard Nar remarked looking ready to collapse. "But you know… I think we've gotten ourselves even more lost…" The few weeks they'd spent in the sewer system was quickly turning into a month.


Another call came through to the Massive.

"I'm making toast!" Gir shouted, and about a dozen pieces of toast flew into the screen.

"Why won't you go away!?" Purple snapped.

"Because I liiiike youu squishy!" Gir answered.

Purple opened his mouth to say something, but no words came. He stared at the grinning SIR unit until he was finally able to speak. "Words can't express how creeped out I am right now…"

Before Gir could say something even weirder, he suddenly found another number posted on the screen. "Ooo… what's this one do!?" he questioned as he typed it in.


Somewhere deep inside Vort's prison, a guard paused when he heard the transmission alert. He looked into the cell of one of the most heavily guarded prisoners and saw the screen flashing.

"You get too many calls Seven…" the bulky Irken remarked.

"Tell me about it…" Prisoner 777 said rubbing his forehead. "It's a good thing they haven't noticed most of the calls are from Zim or I could get in big trouble…"

"What?" the guard questioned leering down at him.

Prisoner 777 cringed. Oh right… the guard was still there. "Nothing! This is a private call though, so would you mind?"

As soon as the Vortian was sure the guard had left, he answered the transmission.


"Hi Pinky!" Gir exclaimed happily before shoving a live chicken into his mouth.

"Aghh gross!" Purple remarked from the other screen in the base. "Why hasn't anyone ended the call yet?"

"That was pretty disturbing," Dib admitted, but his mind didn't stay focused on that for long. "So how many Irkens are there exactly?"

"Where…?" Purple asked weakly as he tried not to hurl.

"I mean in general."

"I don't know. I don't count."

"Too many…" Lard Nar remarked having finally regained his composure enough to join the conversation.

"You're Vortian aren't you?" Dib questioned.

"Yeah."

"Is your planet similar to Irk?"

"Not really…"

Pisoner 777 stared at the SIR unit. He could see in the background that Gir had called someone else. "Um… can I help you with something?"

"I wanted to say hi to the pink mango!"

"Well uhh…"

"I'm never going to be able to remove those images from my brain…" Purple whined. "Someone end this stupid transmission already. We've got to find Red before we land on Irk."

"You're going to Irk?" Dib questioned sounding excited. "Can you show me pictures?"

"No I can't Earth-thingy," Purple replied waving the boy away. He turned to a technician working nearby. "Call me when you get all these people off the monitors. I'm going to find Red," he paused. "And I'm going to hurt him for running off." He decided before floating out of the room.

"Wait!" Dib called. "You have to tell me how to destroy your civilization!" The boy stopped himself and made a face. "Wow… did I just say that out loud?"


Lard Nar collapsed from his injures. Internal bleeding was a real bummer…

"Em boss?" Shloonktapooxis questioned as he hovered over him. "Are you dying?"


"Gir! Stop calling people immediately!" Zim demanded busting into the communication room. He was still wearing his Earth disguise, but his clothes and wig had been badly singed from all the lasers he'd set up to keep Gir out.

"Yaaaay!" Gir cheered hopping off the chair. "You're on fire! Did the gnomes play with you too!? I want to play hot potato!" Gir threw a chunk of metal at his master, and Zim dodged behind a different control panel.

"Gir! I mean it! Listen to me!"

"Oh, hi Zim," Prisoner 777 greeted.

"What are you doing on Zim's computer Vortian!?" Zim demanded pointing an accusing finger at the scientist.

"Your robot called me," prisoner 777 replied. "Again…"

"Gir! First it was the Tallests! Then it was some random guy! Then it was the Dib!" Zim shouted. "Must I deactivate you every time I leave the base!?"

"Master is mad at me…?" Gir questioned, and tears welled up in the robot's eyes.

"Yes I'm mad at you Gir," Zim said flattening his antennae. "You cause me nothing but problems!"

"Waaah aaaahhh!!" the SIR unit ran around screaming shrieking and crying.


Prisoner 777 cringed, Dib held his ears, and Zim gripped his antennae. The technicians in the Massive jerked the controls and sent the ship flying wildly off course. Shloonktapooxis floated with a grin plastered on his face seemingly unaffected by the noise while a half-dead Lard Nar covered his head and curled into a ball.

"Dib!" Gaz shouted from somewhere inside the house. "Turn the volume down on that thing right now or I'll come out there and smash it!"

"I don't know where the volume is!" Dib called as he searched the control panel for the volume switch.

"Well find it or I'll destroy your stupid ship, and I'll destroy you too Dib!"


"Prisoner 777! What is that terrible racket!?" the burly Irken guard demanded, and the Vortian quickly got between him and the screen.

"It's another experiment gone bad! Don't come any closer or it might eat you or do something else terrible like uh… spit radioactive sludge…?

The guard raised and invisible brow, but he backed off. Sometimes it was better not to question the mind of a crazy scientist…

He turned back to Zim on the screen "You might want to think about fixing that robot Zim. He seems to be malfunctioning badly."

"Silence Vort-thing! Gir is perfectly normal!"

"You mean all Irken robots act like that…?" Dib asked in disbelief.

"No, only the malfunctioning ones do," Lard Nar replied from his place on the ground. "Zim is just an idiot."


"Why are we hurdling towards a planet…?" Red questioned having just returned to the control room with a big tub of snacks.

"Because we momentarily lost control of the ship sir!" one of the technicians responded.

"Well if you got control of the ship back, mind steering us away from it?"

"The gravity of the planet is pulling us in. Crashing is inevitable."

Red shoved one of the technicians out of his seat and typed in a few codes. The monitor on the control panel showed an overview of the ship's status. It was bad.

"Trained pilots they say, pah," Red scoffed.

"While you're trying not to crash, do mind answering a few of my questions?" Dib asked.

"Yes I mind," Red growled keeping his eyes on the controls. "Haven't you given up yet?"

"I'm sorry my Tallests! Gir got past my amazing security system!" Zim exclaimed. "It won't…" Gir was still throwing a crying fit in the background and something crashed.

"Zim, if you say "it won't happen again" I'll kill you right now!" Red snapped. He didn't really think how he would kill the Irken; he just knew that he would. He would find a way to do it.

"Well there is a hidden 'anti-crash' program," Prisoner 777 said. He beamed. "I installed it myself!"


"Boss! I think I see something! It's coming towards us!" Shloonktapooxis happily exclaimed. His expression fell when he realized what the something was. "Uh oh…we're going to drown!"

"Oh cripes…" Lard Nar breathed just before they were swallowed up by a wave of goopy yellow-brown water. "Ahhhh!" The transmission ended.


"You've been out here for hours," Gaz remarked standing in the doorway of the garage.

"Gaz look! Isn't this amazing? I can use Tak's ship to send transmissions into outer space! To outer space Gaz!" Dib told her smiling. His smile faltered when Gaz folded her arms and opened her eyes to glare at him. "Come on, this is an amazing discovery!"

"Hmf… whatever," Gaz said going back into the house.


"Waaaaah!" Gir continued to cry, and the chicken he swallowed flew out of his mouth.

"Zim! Do me a favor and end the transmission right now!" Red shouted. Since the technicians were all focused on trying not to crash, they didn't have time to end the broadcast.

"Yes my Tallest!" Zim said pressing the button that cut-off the transmission. He turned to Gir who was still wailing and screeching. "Gir! Stop this horrible shrieking right now! I command you!" Yelling at the robot didn't work. "Silence Gir or I'll dismantle you myself!" Threatening didn't work either. Zim sighed and rubbed his forehead. "If you be quiet I'll buy you another suckmonkey."

The SIR unit stopped crying and grinned. "I want bubblegum!"

"Um ok… I'm just going to you know, end the call and try to forget this happened," prisoner 777 remarked ending the broadcast.


The power for Tak's ship ran out which was ok since Dib skipped breakfast and was ready to eat something anyway… he left the garage and headed into the kitchen only to find out that Gaz had drank the last can of soda again.


Red smiled and stood up straight. He managed to find the anti-crash program, and he initiated it in time for the Massive to avoid hitting the planet. Then he noticed Purple wasn't in the room.

"Where'd Purple go?"

"He left to find you sir," the technician sitting on the floor replied.

"Then he'll be back eventually," Red concluded. "Change our communication link number again… and call that Vortian; prisoner 7 or whatever about making a program that will block certain pests from our call-line."

"Yes sir."

Red sat down in his chair and began eating his big bucket of snacks. Finally… peace and quiet.

The large monitor suddenly flicked on and Gir appeared with a squished butterfly in his hands. "Wanna butterfly!?" he shrieked. "It's pretty blue!"

"ZIM!" Red hollered throwing his snacks to the ground.

"GIR!" Zim shouted from off-screen.


Author's Notes: If there is a third chapter it will be called "Don't Call me Again Ever."

Thank you for reviewing. Now watch as I disappear for another six months! (hopefully not, but it does happen.)