Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter nor the Mortal Instruments. Pretty sure I'd know if I were J.K. Rowling or Cassandra Clare (still, I can dream…)
Warnings: um…no, not really.
…
The Hat could barely stop its shuddering.
They were here.
"I'm sorry, Mister – what was your last name again?"
"Lightwood," the golden-haired boy snapped.
"Yes, Mr Lightwood. Would you like to explain to me what exactly happened?"
"It wasn't Jace's fault!" his girlfriend, Clary, jumped in. "It was that twit, Goyle!* If he hadn't been provoked…"
"Ah, but that is not the point, Ms Fairchild. I am more concerned about the fact that one of the people I have employed to protect" – here, the old cook stressed the word and stared down at the group, eyes hard – "my students has attacked one of them."
"He was totally asking for it." Jace muttered sullenly.
Clary threw him a look that clearly said 'shut up'.
He ignored her, of course. "Besides, it wasn't even my fault. If you're looking for someone to blame, choose Alec!"
Alec – the scrawny child with dark hair – looked up from his book in panic. "Huh?"
Jace groaned. "I'm doomed, aren't I?"
Magnus Bane – the Truly Terrible, the Evil One, the One Who Must Never Be Mentioned – smirked and put his arms around Alec's shoulders.
"Of course you are, darling," he said. "I, however, will vouch that it is not my Alec's fault."
"Thanks," Alec eyed his boyfriend wearily.
"Forget that!" his sister, Isabel, snapped. "I want to know what happened! I was just doing my usual rounds when I was called here!"
"Who's patrolling at the moment?" Clary looked around in alarm.
"Some of the members of the Order," Dumbledore said serenely. "Please, calm down and tell me what happened. I'm afraid that you've put me in a very serious position, Mr Lightwood. Mr Goyle is very good friends with a certain Draco Malfoy – and Mr Malfoy's parents are very influential; they will take action against you. Your position at the school is shaky; there are those who oppose you."
"I don't want to be here!" Jace said loudly. "I'd rather be home, hunting demons. We don't get anything good around here." He looked aggravated.
The Sorting Hat could barely contain its shudder. It wanted these – these interlopers out of its sanctuary. The only people who usually came into the Headmaster's Office was the Headmaster himself.
Of course, over the past few years, Harry Potter had also become a regular; still, Mr Potter was someone the Hat was willing to handle. A tricky Sorting, yes, but no less interesting…
Unlike these horrors.
"Mr Lightwood," Headmaster Dumbledore stressed. "I need to know what happened."
"Alright, alright," Jace huffed.
"Goyle was making fun of Alec and Jace knocked him out," Clary stepped in quickly, before the loudmouth could do any more damage.
"Technically, he was making fun of Alec and Magnus," Jace shot her an annoyed look. "But, yeah, I didn't really care about the warlock. Now, if Alec had stood up for himself, than we wouldn't be having this conversation…"
"He'd be dead," The Awful One said cheerfully, slitted eyes gleeful. "He was beginning to get on my nerves."
"I was doing just fine until Jace butted in," Alec put in, dragging his attention once again away from his book.
"You were debating whether to hit him yourself or run away," Jace retorted. "And – no offence, Alec – I'd bet good money that you'd take the second option."
"Whatever," Alec said, annoyed.
The Hat shuddered. "Dumbledore," it said.
The Headmaster looked up, clearly startled. He adjusted his half-moon spectacles and inclined his head.
"Yes?"
"GET THEM OUT OF HERE!" the Hat roared. "And HIM! Get HIM out of here!"
The One Who Shall Never Be Mentioned smirked, tightening his arms around his boyfriend. "Awh, didn't you miss me?"
"NO!" the Hat fairly wailed.
Dumbledore blinked. Once.
"Perhaps we should move this meeting to somewhere less…" he pursed his wrinkled lips. "Loud?"
"No, no," The Evil One said, uncurling his arms from around Alec and sauntering over to look at the Hat. "I've been meaning to have a nice…chat with you."
"What do you mean by that?" the Hat demanded, shrinking back from the warlock's glittered fingernails. "Someone make him stop!"
"Magnus, leave the poor thing alone," Alec said.
Magnus threw his boyfriend a smirk and ignored him. "Now, about the last time we met…" he started. "I've been meaning to ask what was put into that chocolate…"
The Hat gave a wail and shook itself furiously. "LEAVE!"
Dumbledore watched it all with narrowed eyes, and then calmly asked for Magnus to sit down.
Magnus shrugged and slid back beside Alec, pouting.
"As I was saying" – Clary shot Magnus a glare – "That oaf Goyle caught Alec and Magnus in a – ahh – uncompromising position, and…"
"Oh, say it like it is," Isabel snorted. "I wasn't even there, and I can guess what happened. The blockhead found Magnus with his tongue down my brother's throat" – her glare at him rivalled that of a demon, and Magnus had the common sense to at least pretend to cringe – "and then proceeded to do something very stupid. Jace somehow walked in on this…" she paused and made an exaggerated 'hmm' motion. "Probably because they were in a nice, secluded space that is probably good for a make-out session – which, by the way, would explain why Clary was there, as well."
Clary looked incensed, but swallowed her protest at Isabel's smug look.
"And how does this lead to one of my students in the hospital wing?" Headmaster Dumbledore demanded. "With a broken nose, no less."
Jace waved his hand casually. "Pfft, that's nothing. I was saving that guy's ass – you should be grateful, Dumbles."
"Why?" Dumbledore finally began to look a little bit annoyed.
Finally, grumbled the Hat. What does he have – the patience of a saint?
"Magnus already told you – he would have killed Gar-Goyle if I hadn't stepped in."
"And knocked him out." Dumbledore didn't look impressed.
"I didn't have any other choice!" Jace insisted, trying – and failing – to appear heroic.
Clary whacked him on the chest. "Shut up, idiot."
"Hey!" he shot her a wounded look. "I'll have you know, I attacked him with the best intentions in heart. I didn't do it because he was annoying, or rude, of insulting" – his golden eyes darkened, and his gaze flickered to his uncomfortable-looking parabatai – "No! I did it for none of those reasons! I did it to save his life."
Behind him, Clary slapped her palm to her face. "Idiot." She repeated.
"You know I can hear you, right?" Jace said without taking his eyes away from Dumbledore.
"I know. I'm just waiting for you to listen to me."
"I'm afraid that I'm going to have to put Mr Lightwood on parole, then."
Alec looked up from his book once again in alarm. "What?"
"Jonathan," Headmaster Dumbledore clarified.
"Good."
"Jace," he muttered. "My name is Jace. You know, Dumbles, I'm beginning to think that you're doing this name-thing on purpose."
Dumbledore's eyes just twinkled merrily, former good-mood restored.
"Hang on one second," Magnus straightened in his chair, and the Sorting Hat cringed in anticipation. "Now, don't think I object to Jace being punished – I do – but what about this Goyle" – he said the name like it was a bad word. "He was insulting me and Alec!"
Alec rolled his eyes, burrowing deeper into the chair. "It's no big deal."
Magnus arched his eyebrow. "So you're saying that you were okay with what he was saying about me?"
Alec's eyes darkened with equal parts nervousness and rage.
The Hat wasn't surprised; it had seen into the boy's mind.
"Well…no…" he finally said, eyeing the Headmaster wearily. "But I was going to do something about that…later…"
Magnus' eyes brightened. "Of course!" he said a touch too quickly. "What was I thinking?" he flashed the Headmaster a big grin. "We'll be going, now." He pulled Alec from his chair, ignoring the Shadowhunters' protests.
"Sit down, Mr Bane," Dumbledore's voice was steely. "You will not do anything to endanger my students. Am I clear?"
"Crystal!" Magnus assured him.
"He's lying!" the Hat fairly wailed. "Don't believe a word he says! He's evil! Pure evil!"
"One time…" Magnus muttered.
"I want to know what happened!" Jace said quickly.
Clary rolled her eyes. "I can't believe that I'm agreeing with the moron, but I am agreeing with him. What did you do to that poor Hat?"
Magnus simply smirked. "Come, Alec. We have nefarious plots to devise!"
"Hey! Wait! I need to finish this chapter…!"
…
* I was going to use Malfoy ("Hello, cliché! How I have missed you…") and then I decided that I'd just use Gar-Goyle who always followed along after him. No reason why… (I also have no reason to explain myself here…) *sobs* I'm so deprived of someone to talk to…
Author's Note: I have once again come to bore you. Alright, here it is: I've decided to continue with a few of my 'Sorting Hat' oneshots – only, I'm not the most intelligent of people, and am having some serious trouble with some plotlines (nooooo idea where this thing came from).
Also, if anyone likes this, please review? They really make my day! (and motivate me to write more…)
