CHAPTER TWO – I KNOW MY NAME IS JOHN.
"Step away from the console," Shepard yelled, aiming his gun at Udina. He didn't claim he quite understood what the hell was going on, but he was sure that Udina was at the centre of it. Had he really bought into the illusive man's bullshit about humanity first, to the extent that he would let something like this happen? Sure looked like it.
"Shepard!" Kaidan said, slowly aiming his own gun at Shepard.
Shepard didn't need to look to his side to know that Garrus and James both aimed at Kaidan as well. "Put your gun down, Kaidan," Shepard said, and almost added 'please', and for a split second he could see the scene unfolding, Kaidan doubling over with a bullet in his chest, a bullet that came from Shepard's own gun. Instead, he said "Trust me." Even the words rang hollow in his own ears as well.
"Come on, Shepard, a gun drawn on a council member sort of looks bad," Kaidan said, not letting up.
Instead of ordering Garrus and James to lower their weapons, Shepard took a step forward. "I have my reasons, and at one time that would have been enough," he said, looking Kaidan square in his eyes. He could see Kaidan's jaw flex; he was not sure what to do – that was good.
"He's a murderer; he's here to kill us all," Udina said, walking up to Kaidan's side. "Look at this surveillance footage."
Shepard looked at Kaidan, and Kaidan never looked down at Udina's tape once, he just looked at Shepard. Finally he lowered his gun by a couple of centimeters, and that was all Shepard needed. Apparently Udina had noticed, too, and he made a mad sprint to the console. Shepard could hear people yell at Udina and suddenly Udina produced a gun of his own. Why the hell had he let this go on for this long? Why hadn't he just shot him on sight? Shepard knew the answer, and the answer was hardly professional, it was because he didn't want to hurt Kaidan.
But the fact that Udina was ready to sacrifice Kaidan as a human shield pissed Shepard off to no end. And he took the shot, watching as Udina fell over, painfully aware that Kaidan was still aiming his gun at him. "Lower your rifles," Shepard said to Garrus and James behind him. Then he turned to Kaidan, who stood in front of what was left of the console. He tossed his rifle at Kaidan's feet. "Believe me," he said, noting his voice took on a slightly begging tone.
Kaidan's jaw flexed again, he really wanted to believe Shepard. "Okay, I trust you," Kaidan said softly, holstering his own gun. Shepard took a step toward Kaidan, not sure if he wanted to hug him, shake his hand or maybe walk past him to check on Udina. But the sound of the door being welded open caught their attention, and everyone grabbed their weapons and made ready for the new enemy.
Bailey looked as stone-faced as ever when he came through the doors.
"Bailey?" Kaidan asked, holstering his gun again.
"I see you took care of uhm, business, Shepard," Bailey said nodding at Udina. Then he looked at the Turian council man and said, "Udina was behind this attack, and would have killed you all – Shepard just saved your lives."
"It seems like it," the Turian councillor said.
"Get the councillors somewhere safe," Bailey said. "And Shepard, you come with me."
Shepard nodded, and looked over at Kaidan, who didn't meet his eyes.
He had a little downtime while everyone was trying to straighten out the chaos Udina had caused. And gotten Miranda's message about meeting in the Citadel. He just wished she were still around, since it made him both nervous and happy. He squared his shoulders as he opened the door to the Spectre offices and strode directly toward the monitors. He punched in the code that Miranda had given him and to his relief a 3d projection of Miranda flickered to life. "Shepard, I'm sorry about -"
"Miranda," Shepard said, cutting her short. "What is resurgence?"
"Oh," Miranda sighed. "You found out, huh? Guess now is not the time to keep old secrets," she said with a sad voice. "Are you absolutely sure you want to know?"
"I am." Shepard said, crossing his arms over his chest. "I need to know. Earlier today Kaidan was defending the council against a threat that he for a moment thought was me, me, Miranda!" He poked himself in the chest. "How could he even think for a second that I was the enemy. He knows me! Once he would have trusted my word, and something happened, Miranda, I could see it in his eyes, something more than me working with Cerberus to get at the Collectors."
"Well it's bound to earn the distrust of many of your old friends that you seemingly 'switched sides' like that," Miranda said with a small shrug.
"True," Shepard nodded. "But you should have seen the look Kaidan gave me, it was so torn, he seriously thought I was gonna shoot him. In which fucked up alternate reality would I even consider shooting Kaidan?"
Miranda looked over her shoulder. "Okay, we have to do this quickly, because I don't have a lot of time, and I need your help with something. So something for something, I tell you what I know, and you help me."
"Fair enough." Shepard said, wondering for a moment what the hell he was getting himself into.
"Okay," Miranda said with a sigh. "Resurgence was a side project to Lazarus. It was so top secret that I didn't even know about it until after Lazarus had proven a success. The illusive man knew that ordinary soldiers might not be enough, the Alliance might not be enough. So he made a sort of failsafe project, the resurgence program. Tank bred soldiers with Shepard's DNA, so with his skillset, but with none of his flaws, none of his humanity. The resurgence clones were made for war. Made to not question command." She looked directly at Shepard. "I thought all clones were destroyed together with the lab where Shepard was brought back, but some survived the attack and the Alliance took them to a safe place. I don't know how many, there could be a hundred, there could be five."
Shepard leaned heavily against the far side of the monitors, his brain trying to make sense of this. "And so?" he asked.
Miranda took a deep breath. "So why are you asking me this? What is it you think you'll gain from this knowledge?"
"I just need to know if… If I am… not me," Shepard said with a tiny voice. "Where is the ID code?"
Miranda looked away from Shepard, looking slightly guilty. "The iris," Miranda said. "But I am asking you to leave it be."
"No!" Shepard argued, holding his omnitool up to his face, homing in on his left eye, taking a photo which he rendered into a schematic, looking it over for any anomaly, finding none. He repeated the process with his right eye, and while zooming in on the outer rim of his iris he came across something weird, it was with his heart in his throat he zoomed more in, pulling the scematics more apart untill he saw it. "JS_v.12.003" he said out loud, looking helplessly up at Miranda, until he turned around and emptied his stomach over the side of the railing to the left.
Shepard wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Oh my God… it was true, the recording was true. Jesus… What, what am I going to do with that information, Miranda?" He turned and looked at her, wishing that he could touch her, because he needed someone to ground him.
Miranda looked at him with a sympathetic expression. "Nothing," she said, "You're like me, or Orri. You are a person, apart from the fact you were not born from a womb. It doesn't change who you are, Shepard."
Shepard looked up at her, he really wanted to believe her, but it just rang hollow in his ears. "The crew knows, don't they?" He slid down the monitor box to the floor. "Did they bury him?"
"Shepard…" Miranda said in a motherly voice.
"DO THEY?" he yelled, fighting an uneven battle with his frustated tears.
"Yes." Miranda said. "I don't see why tormenting yourself like this does any good. But if you insist, then…" She paused. "The Shepard that I brought back to life, died jumping to a shuttle on the collector base. One of the collectors shot him in his arm as he jumped, and he missed the shuttle, falling to his death. The crew buried him in secrecy, and is sworn to silence."
"Oh," Shepard whispered. "That explains a lot."
"The first clone was delivered to the arrest here on earth. And the story was that Shepard had turned himself in, 'cept he never had the chance." Miranda paused. "He was mortally wounded on Palaven. I don't know if it was because he was so damaged that they didn't care to repair him, or if it was because they found out that he knew some of the truth. But he was 'relieved of duty' aboard the Normandy. And you – "
"No," Shepard whispered. "They killed him."
"Technically, yes," Miranda said. "At least that is what I have been able to find out, but you have to keep in mind that this is above top secret."
"Kazumi," Shepard muttered. "She'd know how to get to that intel."
"Maybe," Miranda said softly.
"My nightmares. He died there on the operating table." Shepard wrung his hands until his fingers were white. "Jesus, Kaidan. He buried Shepard once and then he showed up again as if nothing ever happened. That must have been… I knew it had to be more than the Cerberus deal that would drive him that far away. He loved me, he loved me, Miranda!"
"I am sure he did," Miranda said. "Maybe he just needs time?"
Shepard let out something between a sob and a laugh. "I am an expendable replica, a fucking copy of the real thing."
"Relax Shepard, it's not like that!" Miranda said, but even if she wanted to reach out and touch him, she was a holo from where Shepard was sitting, so she only had calming words.
Shepard shuffled to his feet, "Oh really? My entire crew knows that I am not the real Shepard, I'm just put here to finish the job. And should I die trying, another clone is thawed up and put in my place…"
"Stop it!" Miranda yelled. "You are a genetically manipulated person, but you are you! You are John Shepard, and don't you ever doubt it!"
"No, I only wear his face, I have his thoughts, his memories, his loyalties – his past. I am a fucking imposter," Shepard whimpered, pinching the bridge of his nose, trying not to cry. He felt like crying, he wanted to relieve the pressure in his chest.
"You are not an imposter," Miranda said softly.
"I have one question," Shepard said in a fragile tone, looking up at Miranda's holo. "If the resurgence soldiers are created to feel nothing, question nothing, then how did I get Shepard's memories?"
Miranda looked conflicted. "Not sure I should tell you."
"You promised."
"Alright. They are uploaded from the Normandy, even this encounter you'll store in your memory, and if you die, the Normandy downloads your entire memory database, and uploads it to the next," Miranda said. "Edited, of course."
"Holy shit…" Shepard gasped. "EDI? EDI did this?"
"Well, yes," Miranda said. "But don't go confront her, cause you'd find yourself 'relieved of duty' pretty fast."
"Right," Shepard muttered. When he left the Spectre offices his mind was reeling. This was crazy, but it was also real. A little too real, like a disease you couldn't outrun.
When Shepard finally made his way to the Normandy, he was tired. Not just in his body but like he needed to sleep, turn off his brain for a week or two. He had not seen Kaidan throughout the whole week they had spent here, but he couldn't really blame him. At least now he understood why Kaidan was avoiding him. But just because it made sense, didn't make it hurt less. What was he supposed to do with this? His feelings were the same as the 'first', but Kaidan had had years to deal with Shepard being dead. In the elevator up to the docking bay, Shepard wondered idly if the Shepard that had come before him had had the same problem.
Getting off the elevator, he saw Kaidan standing there waiting by the Normandy's doors. "Hey, Shepard," he said softly, giving him a nervous little smile.
"Hey, Kaidan," Shepard said, smiling back. "Where have you been hiding?"
"Around," Kaidan said with a shrug. "Shepard, I need to know something. Down there with Udina, were you really gonna shoot me? I was so sure you were gonna shoot me."
Shepard looked down at his boots. "No."
"No?" Kaidan said with a sour expression. "Come on, Shepard." Kaidan walked away from the Normandy, and Shepard followed, watching as Kaidan leaned out over the railing and was apparently looking down at the docked ships below. "Maybe this is nothing to you, but I have never held a gun to someone I used to share a – Used to love."
Shepard walked over and leaned out over the railing next to Kaidan. "I'm just glad you chose to trust me." He smiled at Kaidan, whose gaze was still fixed on the ships below.
"You'll do whatever it takes, huh?" Kaidan asked softly.
'That desperate for Salarian aid?' resonated in his head, and Shepard sighed. "Guess so."
Much to Shepard's surprise, Kaidan smiled. "I should have joined the Normandy when you asked me. I know you didn't flat out ask me, but I know you, Shepard – You asked me."
Shepard laughed softly. "I had just assumed that you wanted to."
"I do," Kaidan said finally, turning to look at Shepard. "Does the offer still stand?"
"Are you sure?" Shepard asked, knowing that he wasn't able to deny Kaidan anything. Especially not when he was looking directly into his eyes.
"I'm sure," Kaidan said.
"There is always room for you, Kaidan," Shepard said. "As long as you don't point guns at my face."
Kaidan frowned.
"Come on, Kaidan, it was a joke," Shepard said, wishing desperately that Kaidan wouldn't have aimed a gun at another Shepard, and that it was just removed from his memories. "Welcome aboard, Major." He gingerly placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. Funny how the movement felt natural, but he knew he had lost the right to touch Kaidan long ago. He squeezed Kaidan's shoulder before he let go. He felt a slight heat rise to his cheeks, his hands remembering all too well how Kaidan's skin felt under the layers of clothes and padding.
