Jacen Solo felt her pain and confusion many floors down, interrupting his peaceful meditation. He breathed a sorrowful sigh and heaved himself out of his crossed legged position. He knew what tormented Tahiri today because it haunted his thoughts also. Today was the fifth anniversary of the day Jacen had watched his brother's body become an empty shell, the day a light had gone out for all future generations. His brother would have been great, much greater than anyone could have imagined and today across holonets around the galaxy, people were mourning him. Jason's sorrow went much deeper though. The loss of his little brother would never be completely erased from his heart.
Standing slowly, his drab brown robes falling to his feet, he stepped into the hall, feeling out Tahiri's presence. He knew exactly where she was headed and he had no plans to intercept her. Some grieving was best done in solitude. At the thought of her pain, he cringed, hating the mental picture. She had changed in so many ways since he had taken her under his wing. They had spent innumerable hours together training in the force; he was her mentor but more than that, he was her guardian. It was Anakin's wish that he take care of her; albeit at times it was a difficult task. She had hardened like a stone but had also been refined like a jewel after a fire.
She was sharp and brilliant, her every move was caught and amplified by the sun. With a will like granite and a soul like the oceans of Mon Calamari, she was the most contradictory woman he had ever known. Women in his life, such as his mother and Jaina, were set in their ways. They were predictable to him after so many years; he had memorized their reactions, their choices. Even now Tahiri was a mystery to him. She had boxes of secrets he could never hope to discover. Sometimes there would be a mystery at the corner of her lips when she smiled serenely, other times it lingered in her sea foam eyes when she fell into thought.
He felt a stirring at the pit of his stomach as he imagined the curiosity her mysteries stirred in him. There were moments when he wanted to throttle Tahiri, scold her and be her protective brother like he was to Jaina. But lately when Tahiri had granted him a slow smile, he had wanted to kiss the mystery right out of her. He let out a disgusted growl and forced the thoughts and their effects from his body. He wanted to rant and rave against himself for the feelings that had been haunting him lately. And on today of all days.He grimaced inwardly and headed for the student commons, needing something to distract him from his thoughts.
He found no solace there either. Standing in the wide, arched doorway, he listened intently as Tionne sang the history and sacrifice of young Anakin Solo. Her beautiful voice dipped and swelled with the lament, and around the spacious room, sniffs echoed from the wide-eyed students. The lump in Jacen's throat nearly grew unbearable and he rushed away from the story teller and her audience. Blindly he jetted around the corner and nearly ran headlong into Tahiri. Her nose narrowly missed smacking off his breastbone and her head snapped up angrily.
"Watch where you're going, Solo."
Jacen winced at the blatant ice in her voice. He took a cautionary step backwards and waved her past, avoiding her desolate eyes.
"Sorry, Tahiri. You go ahead," he said, gesturing into the commons. Tahiri violently shook her head.
"I'm not going in there. Do you have a couple bolts loose today? I won't sit there and listen to them speak about him like that. So cold and distant. Sithspawn, he has a lament like an ancient Jedi. I can't hear him spoke of like a historical figure!" she exclaimed, breathing heavily, trying to reign in the anger tempting her. Jacen felt her struggle keenly. He rested a cautious hand upon her thin shoulder.
"It's alright. Let's take a walk, shall we?"
Tahiri relaxed under his touch, the hands that had healed so many parts of her since Anakin's death. She shrugged, stuffing her own shaky hands into the depths of her robes.
"Fine. But don't expect me to be pleasant company."
Jason chuckled, although it felt like a betrayal. He answered as they veered out a hidden door that led to the jungle exterior.
"Don't worry. I'm not exactly the most enjoyable person to be around today either. I don't think anyone really is," he paused briefly, and then continued. "No one expects to be okay today, Tahiri. Everyone understands."
"That's where your wrong, Jace," she sighed. "Nobody understands what's going through my head today. And no one ever will. Anakin was the only one who could ever do that."
As much as it shamed him, a little shock of hurt jagged through him. He quickly brushed it away, knowing Tahiri was in too much pain to be worrying about anyone else's feelings-especially his. He knew he was part of the underlying problem, the conflict that caused both him and Tahiri extra grief today. They were bonded by the fact that they felt like traitors. Tahiri's newly calm, quiet voice startled him from his thoughts.
"Have you talked to your mother? Is she doing alright?"
Jacen thought of the brief conversation they had had a few hours ago. For the first time in his life, he'd noticed his parents' age. His mother had looked drawn, skin stretched thin and eyes exhausted. His father hadn't looked much better. The gray in his hair had spread drastically and his grins looked weak, almost forced. They had both looked irreversibly weary and Jacen wished from his core that the universe would have been kinder to them. He sighed.
"Honestly, no. She's doing better than Dad, I think but not by far. I'm not sure if they'll ever recover from losing Anakin."
"Will any of us?" Tahiri asked in a tiny voice. She stared at the earth and dug her toes deep into it, feeling the damp cold and wishing she delve her whole self into the dark ground, escape the mocking bright suns of Yavin 4. She felt the lump beginning in her throat and desperately she swiped at the growing moisture in her eyes. She said, turning her back away from Jacen.
"You see, the horrible thing is that I have been recovering and I don't want that. I want to be miserable, Jace! I want to be incomplete without him! I don't want to heal."
Jacen felt his stomach tie into knots and he clenched his fists in confusion. He was torn into two huge pieces. Part of him wanted to be like Tahiri and stand alone in his grief, but the other part desperately wanted to wrap his arms around the slim girl before him. He let go of his doubts, threw caution to the wind and followed his heart. Gently so as not to alarm her, he slid his arms about her waist, knowing that at any second, she could turn on him, lightsaber wielded. Instead small sobs began to shake her shoulders and she leaned back against him as if he was a solid ferrocrete wall. Whispering comforting nothings, Jacen placed his mouth on the top of her head in a constant kiss and just held her.
