WARNING: This Fanfic Contains An Extremely Dangerous Amount Of Stupidity That May Cause Harm. Please Do Not Read If You Are Pregnant, Have A Weak Heart, Or Suffer From Mad Cow Disease. The Author Is Not Responsible For Any Brain Injuries You May Obtain From Reading This. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

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Balomi

The door to his office burst open. Roy Mustang didn't even flinch at the sudden noise, obviously used to it by now. He tore his eyes from the paperwork (Coughporncough) he was currently reading and looked up to face none other than the Fullmetal Alchemist himself.

"G'morning, Colonel," Edward greeted with unusual benevolence, fixing the Colonel with a chipper grin.

"What do you want, Fullmetal?" Roy asked hostilely, directing the young alchemist with a skeptical look, as if expecting him to pull out a gun at any moment.

Obviously, the golden-haired boy noticed the animus greeting and quirked an ocher brow. "What's stuck up your ass?" he questioned.

"A pinecone," Roy grumbled, running his hand over his tender rump.

Edward shook his head sympathetically and reached out to sift his gloved fingers through Roy's hair. "You poor man. Having to deal with those bullies every day must be killing you inside. I wish there was something I could do to help."

Roy twitched slightly, jerking away from Edward's touch. "Fullmetal… you're the one who's bullying me, remember?" he said with just the slightest hint of ire.

"Oh, that's right…" Edward murmured, twisting his fingers through his braid in embarrassment. Roy heaved a sigh and returned to his por— paperwork.

A tense silence washed over the room, only to be broken when Edward tentatively spoke up.

"You want some baloney?"

Roy furrowed a dark brow and gave the blond a quizzical look.

Edward reached into his coat pocket and produced a flaccid slab of raw meat. "You want some baloney?" he repeated, generously holding the meat out to the Colonel.

Roy blinked and shook his head. "No thanks, Ed. I don't like baloney."

"Oh," Edward tucked the slab back into his pocket. He reached into his other pocket and drew forth a second slab of raw meat. "You want some salami?" he asked.

Roy shook his head again. "I don't like salami."

"Oh." Edward tucked the salami back into his pocket and shoved his hand into trousers, fumbling around until he pulled out another slab of meat, this one an anomalous color of reddish-pink. "You want some balomi?" he asked.

Roy blinked. "Balomi?" he repeated.

Edward beamed and held the piece of meat up to the light, evoking it to shimmer. "Balomi," he echoed proudly.

The Colonel stared at the hunk of meat. "What is it?" he asked.

"It's my latest creation," Edward proclaimed, his golden eyes glittering in the light. "See, after I found The Philosopher's stone I used it to fuse baloney and salami together to create balomi!"

Roy donned a discombobulated expression. "What about Alphonse?"

Edward placed his hand over his chest. "The amount of stupidity that tainted the air was too much for him to bear. He died." He choked back a feigned sob.

The Colonel continued to blink and stare. "So you're telling me that you slaved your ass off… to fuse some meat together?"

Edward nodded and stroked his balomi affectionately. "Yes, yes I did. And it was worth it, I tell you! It was all worth it!" he laughed, a borderline insane bark of mirth.

"…Right. Well, I was just hit with an unceremonious wave of nausea. If you don't mind, I'm going to go vomit my guts out. Feel free to look at my porn while I'm gone." Roy stood up from his seat and walked briskly off to the lavatories.

Edward blinked, watching the Colonel inquisitively as he left. "That guy has mental issues."

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Yatta For Another Re-Edited Chapter Of Ed's Balomi