Dante and Le pimp.

Dante drove slowly back to the pizza shop. His first ever delivery had ended in complete failure and he hadn't even been paid.

"Today couldn't have gone worse. What will The Manager say when I get back? Hmmmm... maybe I can find a way of keeping my job." Dante then looked inside his wallet. "A pizza only costs twenty, and I have twenty-five... I'm saved."

Dante continue driving until he reached the pizza shop. There before him he saw something that sent blood pumping through his veins, Arkham. The bald and bloated man had waddled all the way to the shop and had bought a pizza for himself, and a lager. His hairy, fat belly hanging out of his tight black shirt with a number of spots bulging out from beneath the fluff. As he took a swig from the bottle of beer, a large portion of it began to trickle down his neck and all over his shirt.

"Damn... I'll have to go get another." Arkham groaned, taking off his shirt in the middle of the street and shaking the liquid from his chest. Dante stared in horror as the mountain of bouncing whale blubber advanced towards him, about to flatten him into the ground.

"No!" Dante shouted, leaping out of the way and rolling into the road. "You're a danger to the planet Arkham. Go back to becoming the devil." Arkham, with a frown, turned around to face Dante.

"That offended me. Now you're going to pay." Arkham shouted, almost crying. From inside of one of his rolls, Arkham took out a CD player and placed it on the ground before pressing play. At first, Dante didn't recognize the tune... until the lyrics began.

"I'm, too sexy for my shirt,

Too sexy for my shirt,

Too sexy for my shirt,

"So sexy."

Dante gaped in shock at Arkham as he slowly removed his trousers and danced around a lamppost, singing along with the words.

"Oh my god!" Dante screamed in a girlish voice, running into the shop with a horrible image in his head. He had even taken off his underwear.

Dante walked up to the counter and called the attention of the teenager there. What he saw made him jump back in fear. It was pizza face again, and the volcanoes covering his face looked ready to erupt all over him.

"Did the delivery go well?" The boy asked with boredom.

"Don't get too close." Dante thought. "Those things are gonna blow any minute now. They could explode all over me right this second."

The devil hunter took a few steps back away from the counter and smiled nervously at the confused teenager.

"Fine... it was fine. He paid the full price and everything." Dante said nervously.

"Well, bring the money over here then." Dante opened his wallet and drew out the twenty note. But above anything, he didn't want to get anywhere near that boy.

"How about I throw it to you?"

"How about you get over here and give it to me?" The boy contested angrily.

"Okay." Dante continued. "I'm coming over." Slowly, he crept over, and as fast as he could, placed the money on the counter before jumping back. "There. Anymore deliveries?" The boy lowered one eyebrow at Dante before looking down at a small list.

"Yeah, one just came in. In the rich part of town this time. Here's the address, and the pizza." He placed both items on the counter and then walked off to prepare another meal. Dante picked them both up and went outside once again, looking left and right. To his left, Arkham was still dancing around the lamppost, women in their late eighties throwing pennies at him.

"Disgusting." Dante muttered, mounting his bike and igniting the motor. "I'll need to get him back for that."

Dante drove off into the distance and kept his eye out. After his last journey he didn't know what to expect.

Just as he though, someone showed up that he didn't want to. In the middle of a park, were two of his old "friends" running around aimlessly, little children surrounding them and jeering their actions.

"Leave them alone." Dante shouted, his sword drawn as he marched over to the troublesome kids. Seeing his blade, they all ran off in fear, with smirks on their faces.

"Get away from us." The two entities shouted, before running straight into one another and falling to the floor. "Once we find our heads again we'll get you all!" Dante looked at both of them and shook his head. Agni and Rudra had never been the smartest demons he had ever faced, but they weren't the most threatening or lethal either. So he felt a spot of sympathy for them.

"You two just ask for trouble don't you?"

"Rudra, listen!" Agni said. "I recognize that voice."

"Yes." Rudra answered. "It is the one that sealed our tongues and forced us to defeat our beloved masters after taking our heads." He continued.

"Yes, we must avenge them."

"Calm down guys." Dante sighed. "I came over to help you, now what is your problem?"

"You took our heads, that's the problem." Both of them shouted. "We can still through the eyes you took, but all that we can see is water and darkness. What have you done with us?"

The half demon man then noticed that their heads were indeed, gone. But one thing troubled him.

"How do you two actually speak without heads?"

"We have reserve mouths downstairs." Agni murmured whilst Rudra coughed and turned away. "But we do not like using them. Tell us where our heads are!"

Dante shut his eyes and thought. He was sure he had done something with those heads. But once his mission was over they had never shut up. What did he do with them?"

"Oh, right… those things." Dante smiled faintly, remembering what he had done. "I kind of… tried to flush them down the toilet."

"What?!" Agni screamed.

"How could you do that?" Rudra continued. "Our heads are too special to be stuck in a toilet pipe."

"I would help you." Dante explained, his head facing the ground. "But my shop is being destroyed, and your heads are still in there."

"This cannot be." Rudra said, his tone slowly angering. "For what you have done, you shall pay. Prepare to face our wrath once again!"

Dante chuckled to himself and drew Ebony and Ivory. Along with Force Edge that was strapped to his back, two blind idiots wouldn't stand a chance.

"Attack!" Agni ordered, charging forwards with his fists clenched.

"Yes, he shall not survive." Rudra continued. As both of them ran at Dante, he smirked and leaped into the air, before landing on Rudra's back and firing into the empty space where his head used to be. As the enormous beast began to thrash around, Dante drove him forwards, until Agni received a blow to the chest from his companion.

"Son of Sparda. What the hell do you think you're doing? How dare you hit a blind man!" Agni screamed in pain.

"It wasn't me. It was Rudra," Dante jeered, jumping from his current spot over to Agni, piercing him with Force Edge. As he did so, something smacked him in the head, ruining his hair.

"Get him!" He heard behind him before turning. It was the kids from before… with water bombs. As the wet projectiles flew at him, Dante drew his guns and began to shoot them in mid-air, constantly closing in on the children.

"Stupid kids! I'll tell your mummies if you keep this up."

"Oh we're so scared." One mocked, until Dante arrived and slapped them around the face.

"Who do you think you are? Taking on me. How could you be so stupid?" Dante said, frowning in the small boy's face. His anger then turned to surprise.

"Bring out the big guns." The child ordered. As soon as he said this, a girl behind him drew an incredibly large gattling gun.

"Oh crap!" Dante muttered, running as fast as he could back to his bike, bullets striking him in the back. "I'll get all of you for this." He said, his arm rose in the air as he drove as far away as he could.

"Nearly there." He sighed as he approached two large golden gates. He reached over and pressed the buzzer on the wall so that someone could let him in.

"Who is it?" Asked a strangely familiar female voice.

"It's the pizza boy. I have the food you ordered. Can I come in?"

"Oh, yes. Come on in. We're a bit busy right now, so you'll have to take it to our room. It's the second door on the left when you enter. Okay?"

"Okay." Was Dante's answer. He trudged along the stone driveway until he reached the large black front door. It had been left open. "I'm here." He called.

"Bring it in." Said another voice from behind a door. Dante walked over to it and pushed it open slightly, then dropping it in shock. In front of him were Lady, Lucia and Trish standing in black bikinis, surrounding someone in the center of the room on a large, king-sized bed.

"Vergil?" Dante asked, peering at the hidden character. Indeed, it was his brother. Dressed in a long purple jacket and with a large hat of the same colour. In his hand was a long golden staff, which matched his golden teeth and golden chains.

"Yeah, it's me." Vergil answered. Smirking at Dante. "I'm a pimp now. So leave me and my ho's with the pizza. We got some… things to do."

Dante's jaw dropped as he handed over the box. His own brother, a pimp? How could that be possible?

"What happened to your plan of obtaining dad's power?"

"I gave up on that." Vergil said, nodding his head to the faint noise of rap music in the back round. "Now, I got myself a new job. And you ain't ruinin' it like my pizza… occupation." Vergil continued, looking at the three girls around him. "See how I used that word. Not only is your pimp rich, but he's intelligent too. How do ya like that?"

Before anyone could answer, a loud noise rang through the mansion, causing Lady to jump up off the bed.

"That's the dancer I phoned for a while ago." She grinned. "I'll let him in." Lady grinned, leaning over to a speaker next to the bed. On the other end, Dante heard a strangely familiar voice.

"Are you the ones that phoned for a dancer?" The voice asked.

"Yeah, we are. Come on in." Trish beamed, shouting across from one side of the room.

Dante regained his senses and spoke up. Even if it was his brother, he still had to pay. Reaching into his pocket he took out a calculator and looked at it with a puzzled emotion.

"Does anyone know how to use one of these?" He mumbled, clearly embarrassed by the question.

"We only ordered one thing." Lucia pointed out, raising one eyebrow. "There's nothing to add up.

"Oh, right." Dante smiled weakly whilst scratching the back of his head. "Well it's fifteen…" His words were interrupted as the door creaked open. Dante turned around to see who had entered. "No!" He screamed. Before him was Arkham once again, fully naked apart from a pair of Speedos that barely covered up anything.

"Hello there Dante." He muttered, breathing for air every few seconds before turning to the others. "I had to walk here, do you mind if I catch my breath?"

"Nah." Vergil answered. "You're early. Take your time man."

The bloated figure of Arkham leaned his back against the door and began to inhale, and then exhale deeply. Blocking Dante's way out.

"Move it fatty." Dante ordered, pointing at the bed. "Go rest there."

"Again with the fatness." Arkham whimpered. "Anyway, I can't. I'm all out of energy, and I'm comfortable here." He continued slowly, taking Dante's sleeve and wiping his sweaty forehead.

"Oh my God!" Dante shuddered, pulling his arm away. "That's just plain horrible." After this, his face turned from disgust to anger. "Move now, or I'll have to make you."

"Go ahead and try, not even you could move me. The state I'm in."

Dante blew on his hands and rubbed them together, flexing the muscles in his arms and legs.

"Okay, here it goes." He muttered, charging at Arkham with his hands outstretched. The fat man merely chuckled quietly as the demonic son of Sparda flung himself straight into his stomach tires.

"That was a mistake." He said, shaking his head, as Dante's arms sank straight into his massive layers of flub.

"What is this?" Dante asked, horrified. "What have you done?" He continued as his limbs sank into the man's belly like quicksand. With all his strength, he pulled himself backwards. Until finally, he was thrown onto the floor, his hands freed. "And what might that be?" Dante asked out of curiosity as he looked at his hand. Clenched in his left fist was a book, covered in slime.

"You found it." Arkham said, jumping up and down in the air like a little girl, his face gleaming with happiness. "That's the weight loss book I always used to carry around with me."

"What da hell?" Vergil said angrily, rising from the bed. "I thought that was a book of the dark arts."

"Yes." Arkham smiled suspiciously, staring at the ground. "You would have thought so wouldn't you? Well… it wasn't. Everything we did in that tower was based on pure chance. So you see, you didn't have to sleep with Nevan to gain information. Or the Doppelganger in its female form…. Or Jester either.

"But you are Da Jester." Vergil shouted, pounding his staff on the ground. " I saw you transform.

"Well you see, there's a funny story about that…" Arkham explained, backing slowly out of the room. Seeing his opportunity, Dante did the same. Vergil, realizing what had happened, looked down at his waist area in horror.

"Jesus frikkin' Christ!" He exclaimed. "I'll get you for this." He bellowed running at Arkham. As fast as he could, Dante ran out of the mansion with Arkham following close behind. As they left the open gates, Vergil emerged from the front door and began to teleport after them, launching Judgment Cuts along the way.

"Run!" Arkham shouted, plodding along behind Dante. I saw him when he get's seriously angry, he'll get you too." Not listening, Dante carried on running down the straight road. Things were easy, as his path was a steep slope.

"Judgment Cut." Vergil shouted, striking Arkham's back with one of his magical spheres.

"Oh no." The fat man, screamed as he fell over through the air. Dante looked backwards in shock and began to run faster. Instead of falling, Arkham was now rolling down the hill behind him. As one of Arkham's many rolls flattened the ground, his radio was turned on. And for no apparent reason, the Indiana Jones theme tune started playing.

Out of pure desperation, Dante took out Cerberus and swung it at an overhanging branch, pulling himself into the air.

"I'm safe." He sighed, reaching for the branch. As his fingertips drew closer, Dante frowned and twisted his face in fear. He couldn't reach it. With a crash, he fell down to the ground and lay on the spot in pain. The ground was trembling, and as he looked around, he saw The Arkham boulder metres away from his feet.

"Get out of the way." The rumbling ball of flub shouted. But it was too late. Dante had been flattened and had been sucked into the ball like a giant snowball.

"Holy crap." Dante said, as the brief vision of the city passed his eyes. "It's rush hour. Those people are doomed."

Further upwards, Vergil smirked with pride and turned his back on them to head back to the mansion. They wouldn't survive that. He could get back to his pimping.

The Arkham/Dante boulder continued through the city. Completely destroying cars and absorbing innocent men and women into it's mesh. Finally, the Indiana Jones tune ended. With the Godzilla soundtrack taking it's place. All around them, people ran and drove in fear as the monstrosity smashed through buildings. All except for two men that stood next to each other.

"We love Katamari, we love Katamari." They chanted, raising their hands into the air and cheering, before being absorbed by the unstoppable ball.

"No!" Dante shouted a little later. "Not the pizza shop." His worst nightmare was about to come true. Ahead of them was the business of the manager that had hired him that morning. Not able to stop, the ball rolled over the building and flattened all inside it. Below them, Dante could see a puddle of yellow and red liquid. "Poor boy." Dante whimpered. "He got squashed. But at least he didn't explode on me." He smiled, his mood substantially better. Dante the looked downwards once again, his smile dropped, along with the rest of his pleasant emotions as the manager poked the ball and made it fall apart into a mountain of dizzy men and women. Arkham was in the center, rubbing his head.

"What just happened?"

Dante lay at The Manager's feet in a crumpled heap and smiled faintly. Unfortunately, The Manager's face was not the same.

"You, are fired!" He bellowed, before walking back to where his office would have been amongst the rubble and lighting a cigar.

"Oh." Dante sighed, jumping up and looking at the angered faces behind him. "Don't look at me." He said desperately, pointing at Arkham. "Blame him."

From behind their backs, the citizens each drew pitchforks and torches, turning towards Arkham.

"He he heh." Dante laughed smugly. "That should keep them off my back. But now.." He groaned as he looked around at the burning city. "… I need to find a new job."