I read in one of her books I found in wedged between a few of mine last week,it said "you save yourself or you remain unsaved." But here's my thought. What if you're so far gone you can't save yourself and still no one offers you a hand? What do you do then? How do you survive?

Answer: you don't.

Some aren't meant to be saved. And some are neglected. Not everyone can save themselves. Not everyone could remain unsaved. There is such a thing as giving a person a hand. Yet what if the person who hold the key to save someone is oblivious and doesn't save said person? And that person is required to save themselves is unable.

Some wounds don't heal over time. Some depression isn't easily treaded out of. A person can drown in their own thoughts and memories with only the ability to be snapped into reality to speak, to be human again. Saving yourself is easier said then actually done. Especially if your key belongs to someone else. Then it's impossible.

You can't save yourself on basic needs. It's improbable. Basic needs are meant to get by on. You can't save yourself, somethings can't be saved. A dead end. A car wreck. A half eaten cheeseburger.

A broken heart. You can't save yourself from a broken heart. That's inflicted on you by someone else. You can't be saved from someone else's infliction. They are your only life preserver, magic ring, and golden shield.

Your second choice is someone whose willing to have a fixer-upper. Willing to play as putty. A temporary fix. For a few days until you think it's unfair to that person. That you're so broken by your key holder you couldn't possibly stay because you'll never be in love with them like you were with the other one then you're stuck.

You maneuver through others but it's always the same. Some make it longer then others. You fall harder, they lie better, they don't irritate you until weeks later or you wait. You hold out for them to come around until they don't and there's nothing you can do. Some are permanently remain unsaved. I am to permanently remain unsaved. For always.

I am being stripped like an old wood table. My form isn't good enough anymore. It feels like someone is trying to beat me down and change me. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I can't breathe, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm falling apart...again. It's like I can only be repaired for a split second, when a distraction is placed in front of me. I'm no longer fun to be around. I'm miserable. I can't focus on anything. I zone in on her just in a few seconds of silence. Then I start to think.

I start to think that I'm condemned to a life of solitude and I don't know how I feel about it. I think I'm too strong for some to handle. People get scared, they don't last too long. Some make up excuses, rumors, reasons that give them an out. Ones I know aren't true. But I didn't fight them for two reasons.

One: I knew they weren't going to last much longer, I would've done something. I would've left.

Two: they never really meant that much. They didn't fill an emptiness I thought Katherine had left, because it wasn't there.

Others, I got rid of, I pushed them away, didn't really want them in the first place, they just smelled good; knowledge of the fact that I didn't need them. Every single one of them demolished in seven or eight days, their blood got boring, THEY got boring. All but one.

Elena.

She gave me something everyone else didn't. She made me want to hold on. She made it seem like there was a void that needed to be filled and she fit the mold, one that didn't even exist until I knew she did. She came in a new way, carefully. Allowing me to work, like dipping your toes into water to test it out. She was the perfect temperature.

She even left in a new way.

She ran.

She didn't need my black boot to kick her out. She didn't make up a reason to leave, she just left, not saying a word. No lies, just silence, leaving me begging to know why. Maybe I wanted a lie, maybe I wanted her to make up a reason for me to live off of, to leave me content.

She didn't.

She left me here hungry, starving to talk to her. Making up stories in my head of happy endings until I opened my eyes, until I saw she doesn't care. She probably never did. She needed another man, one who didn't have a magically appearing mold in need of her. One that was still normal after she left. One that isn't oddly obsessed with her, maybe I am obsessed with closure or maybe the reason why she was so different.

It's confusing. Imagine living like this. Stewing in hate. Hate for yourself, for someone who doesn't care, someone who doesn't want to understand what's happening.

Elena left me in a whole that's deeper than the one Katherine had left me in years back. one that won't eventually be filled in. One that will allow me to further investigate the situation, my thoughts, not that I really need to. Everything else will dissipate. It won't just be a memory soon. Buried by something else. I know I don't need someone to complete me, that's a given, I've been incomplete for over one-hundred seventy years. I'm fucked up enough to know that. But maybe,just maybe, I need someone to numb me, make me forget her mold. An eraser, not a completion, just a fix. Someone to help.

There's someone out there who fits her mold, or maybe she's meant to come back and refill it.

Maybe I'm just set to live a life of depression. But we're not put here to be a huge pile of depression and bad feelings or to stew and not have the ability to leave a broken heart alone. I shouldn't dwell. It's a dark, dark, dark place of jealousy. I've become falsely happy for people. I can't focus on stories they're telling me. I have to fight the urge to jump up and scream,"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

My existence is draining fast. I'm not sure if I can handle the downward spiral for much longer.

A/N: this chapter I PROMISE you is the last full on internal monologue. I apologize if it felt whiny and not connected in some parts. But, I am a female trying to write from a male's perspective, and that's how it came out. Also, keep in mind these are some of my personal journal passages melted together :]. There will be dialogue and other goodies in the next chapter, I swear. This one just took me a while to crank out, I do already have some passages for the next few chapters done! I'm really excited for this story, and I hope you guys stay that way with me! Just bear with me through this chapter, please. I promise it's going to be worth it. Don't leave me just yet!