Hi, this is a parody, not meant to be taken seriously.
The Sky at Dusk
Chapter 2: In Which They Discuss Vegetation
An afternoon stroll is being taken through the moss-draped forest. Crickets are chirping, birds are tweeting, and insects are scattering. The boy pushes aside the leaves of a fern that are almost larger than the girl so she can step through.
As they continue on among the colossal trees, the boy and girl decide to exchange important details about one another. In a voice of velour, the boy tells her that his father is a doctor and has the perfect job because he only has to work when girls get rescued from being crushed by runaway vans.
In a voice of polyester, the girl tells him that her dad, the police chief, has the perfect job because it doesn't allow him to hover. He only comes home to have a beer once in a while, and maybe watch a ballgame. This gives her the chance to say her dad is the all-American dad. She tells the boy that if she ever had a boyfriend who wanted to sleep over all the time her dad would never find out because if he does happen to be home, he'll be asleep and nothing wakes him up at all until morning - even if he was hit over the head with a huge boulder he wouldn't wake up - and she's convinced that when he wakes up in the morning, he's already at work.
"Some people fall asleep on the job. Charlie wakes up on it."
"Why do you call your dad Charlie?"
"Why do you call yours Carlisle?"
Neither question gets answered because the intense and pressing issue of favorite colors comes up. The girl is unsure which one of them brought up this subject, but she decides the important thing isn't who prompted the conversation. The important thing is that they're discussing it. It's such a heartfelt and in depth conversation that if the author were to type it out word for word, it would take up three pages. With regret, it must be admitted that this author isn't generous enough to give the reader that entire conversation. It is her belief that some things are just too personal and should be kept locked away and cherished in the private life of the two fictional characters.
"You're my favorite color," the girl tells him, eventually, and she truly believes he's a color because he's the only thing on her mind.
At several points during that afternoon the girl stumbles and the boy catches her.
At one point she faints for no apparent reason except maybe so that he may catch her again. He loves rescuing her and she loves being rescued by him.
"You're so fast," she says. "You were all the way over there when I started to pass out." She points to a tree that's several yards away. The reason he was at such a distance from her is because just before she fainted, she stumbled and he caught her, got an unexpected whiff of her blood and had to snap himself behind the farthest tree possible without being too conspicuous.
"Adrenaline."
"Your heart must be pounding." She reaches up to feel his heartbeat. After several minutes with her hand pressed against his heart, the fact doesn't sneak past her that he doesn't have one.
"And you're so cold," she begins her list, "and you don't eat," she finishes her list. "Open your mouth."
He does and she looks around in there.
"Why don't you have fangs?"
He explains that real vampires don't have fangs. Their teeth are like razor blades and filled with venom. He also explains the feeding frenzy and how it's impossible to stop feeding once it's begun.
"Are you afraid?" He brings his scowl down close to her face and it's so arousing she almost can't breathe. In fact, she isn't breathing.
"No."
"Then ask me what I consume."
"Why would I ask a question I already know the answer to?"
His eyes widen. "Are you telepathic?"
The girl giggles, and it sounds like applause. The boy relaxes and backs away.
"You don't have to worry too much about your safety." He gives her a sparkle-wink that chimes. "The laws of the nature of our kind as we have lived by for centuries are easier to overcome than we think."
"I wasn't worried." She's telling the truth. She only worries about other people, never herself. To prove this she asks, "Wait, you don't kill people, do you?"
"No!" He sounds and looks insulted. "Our family only feed off the blood of animals. We deprive ourselves of the blood we love - humans - so that they may live. We consider ourselves vegetarians."
"Animals are not vegetables." As the girl says this, the author realizes she's bordering on writing about scientific facts, of which she's promised there would be none. With the next sentence she hopes to amend this.
"What's your point?"
"I don't get why you consider yourself a vegetarian. Just because you don't eat the blood of humans?"
"Drink," he clarifies.
"Okay, but do you drink the blood of plants?"
"Plants don't bleed."
"Then you can't be a vegetarian, can you?"
The vampire, though very intelligent with decades under his belt of attending all the best colleges in the world that money can buy him, doesn't have a retort for this because he's been written as a vegetarian vampire. That's all he knows. The author never expected her female protagonist to challenge her word choices, so the subject ends abruptly. (This section will be lucky if it isn't deleted entirely.)
The boy snaps a branch off a tree so the girl doesn't have to duck under it. The girl questions the boy on where he disappeared to those few days he went missing from school.
"I had to leave the country to keep myself from killing you. But then I thought-" he looks up at the gray sky as if in deep ponderment "-better to face a challenge than run from it. So I started following you. But don't be nervous. I was gentlemanly enough to keep my distance most of the time so as not to frighten you." He flashes a razor-sharp-toothed smile at her. She doesn't think his teeth look very scary - just like any other set of teeth that have undergone excessive bleaching.
The clouds swell and darken and release their pent up waters over the forest where the boy and girl have been comfortably dry until this moment. Now they're drenched and laughing, and if they'd already shared their first kiss, this would be an ideal moment for a rain-soaked meeting of the lips, but since they haven't kissed yet, they both run at mortal speed for the girl's truck.
The boy pretends not to like the old beat-up truck, but in actuality, he finds it more masculine than his shiny silver Volvo, and insists on driving, but only after making fun of the girl first. The girl has a hard time letting him drive because she's afraid that if she relents, she will be giving up her fair rights as a woman.
"Women can drive whenever they want!" She makes sure she proclaims this as she slides into the passenger seat. She's satisfied that she's given feminism her duty for the day. She wouldn't want the reader to get the wrong idea about her.
"Put on your seatbelt," the boy says because, left uneasy with her feminist outburst, he is compelled to tell her what to do. He's over one hundred years old, which makes him old-fashioned. He believes in oppressing the woman, but only with the best intentions, of course. "I wouldn't want you to be hurt if I roll the truck."
He takes her out to dinner where he doesn't eat or drink, and a female server is all but stroking him and falling into his lap. Even though vampires have senses that are one hundred times stronger than those of humans, this vampire has yet to notice the woman. He's too busy gazing into the veins of his girlfriend's eyelids.
There's a candle flame-dancing in the center of the table. The boy impresses his girlfriend by dousing the flame with his forefinger and thumb.
"Amazing…"
He shrugs, humbly.
"Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?" the female server asks the boy, followed by the thought, Like me.
This distracts him because he would, in fact, like to eat her. Or drink her, he might remind the author.
He pictures himself biting into the server's artery and drinking until his eyes turn into rubies. He lets out an exasperated sigh.
"What's wrong?" our girl asks.
"That woman is projecting horrible images at me."
"How is she projecting images at you?"
Even though vampires never blunder, this one realizes his. "Um, she isn't."
"Wait, so you can read minds?" She blushes and bites her lip, thinking about the sorts of thoughts he might have been plucking from her brain all this time. She tries to clear her mind of everything, but can't seem to stop thinking about his penis.
He's proud of his girlfriend's intuitiveness. "I can read everyone's mind in the world, with the exception of yours."
Upon hearing this, the girl relaxes and her mind drifts off to calculus facts.
"What are you thinking about right this instant?" he asks her. "I have to know."
"Just derivatives and functions."
He laughs. "Fine, don't tell me." He touches her nose, she blushes, and he salivates.
A/N: See you soon with Chapter 3: In Which They Go to the Meadow and Discuss the Angel
Thanks for reading! :)
