Isshin ruffled the snow white hair of his eldest son. The tear stained face looked up and threw himself uncharacteristically into his father's arms. Sterile hospital smells were familiar to the pair and it was not uncommon to be on Ichigo's behalf, but of late, it had been a little too often for comfort.
Realising what he'd just done, Shiro tugged himself away, head down low hiding his embarrassed blush. He sat back on the plastic chairs he'd been nursing for the past 24 hours and watched his father peer through the observations windows at immobile body on the bed. There was no point in looking, there were more monitors and tubes than body anyway. Ichigo currently rivalled his brother in the pale stakes and was as lively as a wet fish – which wasn't unusual considering really. A nurse was faffing around his readings, noting things on her clipboard and looking very official and serious, it did Shiro's head in sitting in the room and so he found the divider of the door much more comfortable.
"What are we going to do about him?" Shiro asked his strangely silent and for once not absent father.
"I don't want to drug him again you know that." Isshin hated the drugs, he knew the real scientific evidence on the crap they were made of.
"You're not the one having to watch his ass!" Shiro rounded on him.
"And having him sitting in his room, rocking back and forth isn't the answer." No because that broke Isshin's heart watching the boy when he was only nine like that. A whole year of watching him rock and silently crying for a mother he thought would walk in as if she was late back from shopping. On one hand, the drugs had helped without Masaki to watch over him, but on the other hand, it was like watching a living corpse and they'd seen enough corpses in their family.
"He's going to fucking kill himself! Have ya read this dad? Have ya?" Shiro picked up the paper and began in a biting spitting voice reading to his father. "He was always known as a crazy unpredictable rock star, but today, Ichigo Kurosaki probably performed his biggest stunt yet. Recent accounts of his depression seemed to have been validated when at three thirty yesterday afternoon and only hours before he was due on stage in the biggest festival this side of the hemisphere, he threw a TV out the window thirteen stories high and then proceeded to follow that by jumping himself. The event was witnessed by his band drummer and twin brother Shiro Kurosaki who was said to be distraught at the scene. Distraught! I'd fucking say!" Shiro said angrily before continuing. "Paramedics were called immediately and although the young man thankfully fell into the hotel pool, he was taken to the Royal Albert Hospital where he remains unconscious yet stable. It really isn't clear whether he jumped to commit suicide or in a whacky stunt to promote the bands New Album." Shiro's voice was filled with his hate of the reporters but also the day on day troubles of his everyday life. "More like off his fucking skull as usual!" He mumbled before reading on, he never seemed to get to the bottom of which roady kept feeding him that shit. "However reports are coming in from witnesses that his wrists were bandaged and he'd been drinking himself to oblivion all the hours he wasn't performing. Amaya Nitta, Kurosaki's latest girlfriend, girlfriend! One night fucking stand more like! Was concerned when the singer drank heavily. 'Ichigo is very misunderstood' The glamour model says. Glamour my ass, topless more fucking like. 'But in bed, he would be hard and hurt me. I was so scared. We had a row about how many times he wanted sex so I had to leave." Shiro snorted at the blatant lie. "Fucking bitch." He sneered at her picture. "Ichigo was drinking and doing drugs, he didn't even know who I was. I think I really love him and I'm going to be right by his side till he wakes up. The busty model proclaimed." Shiro lowered the paper and made a deal of looking around him. "Well she ain't fucking here is she!" He cracked the paper back open giving his dad a pointed glare. "...Nothing is clear, but whatever the reason, Ichigo Kurosaki, seems on a path to self-destruction." Shiro looked at his father direct in the eye to repeat that last sentence. "On a path to self-destruction. As much of a fucking pain he is, I don't wanna loose another brother dad. Ichigo ain't the only one who lost someone." Shiro had said it before, but his father was still in denial. Or guilt more likely. He'd shoved Ichigo onto Shiro, the girls to an aunt and lost himself in his own grief for the wife he adored in the only way he knew how, work.
Isshin sighed, he looked at his son with genuine tiredness for once instead of his fake bravado.
Shiro waited for the arsehole to ignore him yet again and watched him with disdain as he sat next to him taking the paper away and carefully folding it.
"I know I haven't been the best dad."
"Che...ya think?" The albino twenty something shook his head.
"It hasn't been easy..."
"Ya didn't even friggin try! Don't palm me off with this shit!"
"With Ichigo's problems..."
"What ya fuck know about them besides some medical list of symptoms! Ya ain't there dealing with 'im! Ya don't even fucking know 'im. Na ya don't know either of us!"
"I had work..."
"Ya had four of us dad! We'd lost our maam and brother!"
"And I lost my WIFE!" Isshin lost his temper. "Fuck!" He scrubbed his face hard and forcing himself to calm. "I'm sorry. I am sorry." He was sorry that he hadn't been there for them, sorry that Ichigo didn't get the care he needed, sorry so fucking sorry he'd even had Ichigo in the first place. He hated to think it, even if his brain did keep revolving around the same topic, but it should have been Ichigo that died, it would have been easier on them all. As much as Isshin loved Ichigo, he was his son after all, he just couldn't help the traitorous thoughts.
"Fur what?" Shiro knew his dad had a guilt complex bigger than the planet and he wasn't about to hear what the man was really thinking.
"All this...everything. I'll deal with it. I'll sort him out." Isshin put on one of his smiles he'd lived with these past years and put an arm around Shiro's shoulder.
"How?"
"I don't know. But you've got a life and your band need you. Just concentrate on that hey?" Shiro looked with distrust at the hand patting his knee.
"That band ain't anything without Ichigo. He's our fucking singer. He writes the music."
"He does?"
"Old Man!" Shiro shoved the arm off him and stood to prowl around the hallway. "Ya really sumink you know!" He itched for a smoke or punching his father, really it was a tough call to decide which.
…
Ulquiorra stood by the doorway listening to the rustle of the newspaper. He waited eyes fixed on a position the other side of the sofa. It was pointless in trying to barge into Grim's morning routine. The man had to do things how he wanted or else the resulting mood would be far worse. So even as important as he was himself, and we knew how important as he held a full to bursting point 'big sized' filofax to his chest.
The large diary was rather over inflated like the man's ego really, but it had been a gift from Aizen Sosuke the CEO of his agency as a reward for getting Grim on their books. The man however as irritating he was, earned the company a fortune and was therefore allowed some leniency; even if other company directors, Kaname Tosen for one, objected. The diary was large enough to be used as a shield or protective barrier to the puny body behind it and every morning he made good use of it – probably the most useful it ever was really, at least in Grimm's point of view. His eyes remained glued to the spot he couldn't see near the fire place.
"Stupid brat." Grim's thirty two years qualified him to call a twenty two year old a brat.
"Who?" Ulquiorra used that as his cue to approach the table, he knew his route there without looking, his eyes were after all busy. He had no idea that Grim had a running game going on to see how long he could make the little ass licker wait. The record so far was four hours twenty three minutes and seventeen seconds. Timing was everything in his line of work.
"Ichigo Kurosaki." Grim smirked at the rigid black outline of this stuffy official, his own eyes darted towards the fire with an even bigger smirk.
"Who?"
"Ya work for an agency and ya don't fucking know!" Grim rumbled with his irritating laugh whilst shoving the paper at the little man's boring face.
Ulquiorra allowed a very quick flicker away from their important vigil "The singer."
Grim pushed himself away from the table, his fingers plucking a raw steak from the elegant breakfast tray. He knew Ulquiorra was following out of some morbid curiosity, but carefully keeping himself behind Grim and his fat diary.
Grim felt smug as he stalked to the very large lion curled up on the rug by the open fire.
"I don't work with trash." Ulquiorra's green eyes watched the beast chomp the meat down in one bite, he was scared witless of the thing not that he let it show or so he thought.
"Worth millions that kid." Grim let the lion lick his fingers knowing Ulquiorra was counting the same millions his fingers were insured for. Really it would only take a little push to make the sad fucker piss in his boots.
"Talentless trash do not... concern me." The man faltered, much to Grim's amusement when the lion got up from his lazy sprawl on the floor and made itself comfortable on the sofa, its head resting on the arm rest near Ulquiorra's leg.
"Ahh he wants a stroke." Grim ruffled the mess of orange mane. "Go on stroke him." It was a hard task not to openly wet himself laughing watching the hand shake as it reached towards the lion, even harder when the man jumped a mile when the King of beasts lifted its head and licked the skinny white fingers.
"Play nice Pantera." Grim warned his pet cat sitting on his lap and with a handful of furry skin tugged the lion onto his chest. "We don't want to repeat what ya did last year do we. All that blood on the carpet." He cooed into the lions face and rubbed his cheek against the lions. It was all an act really to hide his huge fat smile from the man shaking in his boots. The mornings really were a huge thrill. Worth getting up for anyway. "What's on the books fa today?" Grim ruffled his baby's fur and listened to the fat beast whimper its approval with the back ground noise of diary pages being flicked.
"Charity promise. You said you would visit a children's ward."
"Can I take my baby?"
"No."
…
Shiro was bored. Bored bored bored. He stood hands in his pockets, his body like a rigid board leaning upright against the observation glass but with just his forehead touching the cool surface. Ichigo was still appeared to be out for the count. A nurse passed behind him opening Ichigo's door. The stubbled face of the young man watched her read the vitals and redress the bandage on his leg which made the rousing figure draw up his face in pain.
Shiro bounded into the room calling his brother's name.
"Ichi?"
"Grimm?" The kid rasped. Shiro held back his annoyance and tutted.
"Oh did he hear us talking?" The nurse chatted as she flashed a torch in the confused Ichigo's eyes which he tried to swat away. "The nurses are all excited. Another celebrity visiting."
"When?"
"G'off." Ichigo murmured turning his head towards his brother. He didn't want to be touched, he was sore and felt rough, people pawing him was the last thing he wanted. "Grimm?"
"Na Ichi." Shiro muttered. "S'me."
…
"Please man, he's just a little kid really. Come see my brother he loves ya shows, 'bout tha only thing he'll shut and be quiet for. Really man, he's a kid in a man's body and he's sitting in a hospital, fucking miserable…and I don't know...fuck, he needs this, please...I'll do anything." Grim had continued to walk, he'd done his bit and was being led off by the stiff shirted Ulquiorra, who currently was looking at Shiro like he was dirt on his shoe. The albino rock star had had the cheek to grab his shirt sleeve and refuse to let go, trying to almost tug him back into the inner sanctum of the hospital where he'd been on the stalk for the past day waiting for the elusive magician.
"Quit ya fucking whining." Grim finally said tugging his arm free. "Ya look pathetic when ya beg ya know."
"Cute too hey?" Shiro winked his devious mind wasn't above a little acting when he had to. Even if this bloke wanted a blow job in the bogs he'd do it, or that creepy shit that would fit into a Halloween parade.
"In ya fucking dreams shit head." Grim stood hands on his hips deliberating. It wasn't for nothing that he knew who these guys were. Ichigo was shit hot and Grim has always had a thing for the hair. Like him, though, he figured it was a stage thing and dyed before each tour. Curtains and drapes those were the questions he wanted to know about the singer.
"Made ya agree though din't it." Shiro grinned his own version of creepy and Grim found himself shivering, goose bumps riding up his arms and his dick flicked in his pants.
"Anything ta shut ya up."
…
Drugged on painkillers Ichigo was too whipped to do much more than mope and cry and think of every miserable lyric he'd ever heard or written. They all brought him back ta one thing. He looked at the tatty lion teddy clutched to his chest. He lifted it closer to his chin and nestled down in the thread bare fabric. He was so absorbed in his own misery he didn't hear the door open.
"Ichi?" Shiro's pale head reached out with a tissue and wiped a tear from his cheek. "Give me tha teddy, did bloody Yuzu bring it?" Ichigo didn't respond more than hug the teddy tighter. His brother was a bastard that would only take it away from him and hide it. It was just as well their little sister was on his side. "Look at me Ichi…" Shiro tried to yank the toy free, but Ichigo kept his gaze away from his brothers. Grabbing his brothers chin he again tried to make eye contact, which was a struggle on a good day. "Will ya just look at me once!" Shiro begged, he knew that Ichigo was in one of his more compromising moods when he would give a brief flick of eye contact. But not today.
Grim had stood in the doorway watching the interaction, or more to the point lack of. Meeting celebrities in the flesh had always been a disappointment to Grim, they always seemed so translucent, flaky and poor imitations off screen. His previous assumptions of Ichigo was that the kid had some kind of scitzso personality. He was always bright, wearing colours that clashed and looking quite vulgar; yet...there was a vulnerability just lurking waiting to be crack through. Watching him with the teddy, he looked down right pitiful. Pale, weak, lethargic. But shit the kid had jumped, JUMPED from a thirteen story building into a fucking duck pond! If that wasn't someone crying out for help he didn't know what was. Thinking back to his brothers analogy of a kid in a adults body he was right. He did. Yet again something was off kilter. There wasn't a kid here, there was a lack of childhood. A kid would have acted differently, a kid would been scared of that height. No, that was an adult who'd missed being a kid and all those lessons in what stupid things ya shouldn't do and yet ya done 'em anyway, only to learn that listening to the adults was in fact a fucking good idea; who the shit would have credited it!
"Ya know, I've got a real one of these." Grim's voice burst in without interruption into the conversation. Ichigo was so stunned he'd allowed the man's larger hands to pluck the dirty thing from his hold. He looked it over. "Pantera. Ya seen him on telly?" Ichigo dumbly nodded. "Big mother fucker he is now, but once upon a time he was about this big." He shook the teddy to emphasise his point. "Wanna meet him?" Ichigo shook his head. "Na? He's right friendly to strangers, finds em real tasty!" Grim chuckled.
Shiro reached out for the teddy, hoping Grim would just hand it over so he could tuck it away out of sight and stop his brothers brooding. Grim held it up high above Shiro's reach. "Ah ah ah no yours kiddo." Grim shoved the teddy back to Ichigo. "Ya want 'im don't ya?" Ichigo's trembling hand reached out and Grim smiled. "Good kid."
"Don't." Ichigo said softly taking the teddy and holding it tight again.
"What?"
"Patronise..." Ichigo glared at the blue haired man just shy of his eye, he wouldn't look at even Grim's eyes cos that made them get into ya head. "Not a kid."
"Not what ya twinny said here. Ya know you two are spookily alike, minus the orange course."
"Not." Ichigo pouted glaring at his brother. "He's not my twin." His foot lashed out to kick Shiro off his bed and he grimaced when the injured leg protested at the movement.
"Hey, serves ya right for kicking!" Ichigo snorted annoyed and turned away from his brother laying himself down and putting the teddy on his pillow in line with eye sight. Grim nodded to Shiro's slide of the head towards the door. It was time to leave and let Ichigo sleep. "Not my twin." Ichigo's voice was quiet but it penetrated the silence as the man stepped out. "Triplet. Three of us. One two three...Kon." Ichigo tugged the teddy to his chest and let out a sob.
"Ah fuck it Ichi give me the damn teddy, I knew ya'd do this!" Shiro launched into an all-out tussle for the teddy and Ichigo screamed as it was snatched away.
"Bastard. Give him the fucking thing if he wants it!" Grim's impatience showed through as he took a turn at snatching the teddy and held it out for Ichigo. "Now you, you just shut up if I give ya yeah?" He growled at Ichigo. "Blubbing over a fucking teddy, ya said ya weren't a kid." He pushed the teddy forward into Ichigo's body. "Have ya damn teddy."
"NOT MINE!" Ichigo screamed. "KON'S!"
"Listen I don't give a fuck whose teddy it is, I didn't come up here ta be shouted at, who the fuck do you think ya yelling at!" Grim put a hand on Ichigo's shoulder. "And jumping out that fucking window, what were ya high on drugs?" Ichigo nodded and it was then Shiro noticed that Ichigo had not only stopped crying, but he was looking right at him. Grim was quietly pushing his brother back down flat onto the bed. "Stupid idiot. Wanna kill ya'self?"
"I should already be dead. Not him!" Ichigo blurted out. "I killed him. I killed her too!" Shiro gasped at Ichigo's outburst. He'd never spoken about it, never said what had happened, it had just eaten away at him all these years and turned him into a crazy nut case.
"What the fuck ya talking about?" Grim rubbed his brow, this wasn't what he had in mind for a Friday.
"Kon! I threw the ball! And he...he ran for it..." Ichigo eyes were somewhere else now. Somewhere years ago when two eight year olds were on their way home from Karate classes. "Mum said not near the river, be careful Ichigo. I threw it and it went right in, right in and so did Kon to get the ball. Only he didn't come out...Mum screamed and went for him, went to get him...she didn't come out either! I killed em, I threw the ball. I didn't listen. I didn't mean it, but...i didn't want him gone..."
"Its ya brothers teddy?" Grim asked into the awkward silence that followed the outburst. Ichigo nodded looking flushed from his anger. "Stupid fucker. So how old were ya?"
"Eight." Shiro answered looking at Ichigo. "All these years and ya never said nothing?"
"I killed em." Ichigo of course wouldn't look at Shiro like he had Grim.
"All these years...Fuck Ichi..." Shiro began to rub his brothers hair, soothing the angered face.
"I killed em, I did it. Ya hate me Shiro, hate me now?" Shiro felt the bile rise in his throat but he shook his head a little dazed by the news.
"Eight?" Grim shook his head watching the boy. He wanted him back, wanted a hug from his mum, the only one who'd ever understood him. "Stupid fucker. Don't ya think ya mom knew the risk when she went in?"
"Kon didn'"
"Na, but he shouldn't have rushed off neither." Shiro sat on the bed opposite to Grim and took his brothers hand. "Ya never said. Why now?" Ichigo looked ready to cry again. "Why now?" Shiro repeated but he knew Ichigo's talkative side had retreated and he wasn't going to get anything out him. "I lost a brother too. Mom too... Ya don't see me being all stupid about it. Nah, but you...Well fuck ya take the biscuit on that don't ya." Shiro snapped his hand away. "I deserve to know damn it!" He finally lost his temper and his irritated glare was only met with Ichigo's retreating figure, tugging the covers up and Shiro tutted as Ichigo mumbled about feeling dizzy. "What ever. Maybe the wrong fucking brother died!" Shiro didn't mean the words but he'd said them anyway and now he was pissed at himself too. "Ahh fuck it." He shook his head and left the room. Dealing with Ichigo was always such hard work and it always fell on him and right now with that little revelation he didn't have the energy.
Grim didn't quite know what he'd just got himself involved in but he sat like a gooseberry on the side of the bed. For a man who'd pleaded about making his brother feel better, Shiro had done a sure fine job himself. He let out the longest sigh he thought he'd ever done, ran his hands through his hair or tried to. When he went to lift his hand he realised that Ichigo had gotten hold of his sleeve and was running his fingers over the silky inner lining just inside the cuff.
"What's ya elephant called?" Ichigo's voice whispered up.
"Yammy." Grim began to slide his white jacket off and placed it over Ichigo's prone figure. Long musical fingers slid around the edges and pulled it close.
"Kon liked Lions."
"So I see." Grim snorted and gave a playful tug of the teddy's ear. "Bet he never got to see the real thing?"
"Dad took us to the zoo. Member that I do...Monkey's and snakes...Panther's"
"Pantera was meant to be a panther. I thought it would be cool to be on stage with a sleek black cat prowling around. They look so fucking powerful don't they?" Grim chuckled. "Then the box arrived, big fucking box too, and inside was a cute bundle of orange fluff." Grim ruffled Ichigo's hair. "Lil scaardy cat he is, needs a real kick up tha ass to get on stage."
"I saw 'em."
"Who?" Grim was thrown for a loop here.
"Dad don't say it...but I know. I know before I killed 'em I were different...stupid...anyway." The boy shrugged gripping the turquoise silk to his cheek. It smelled of Grim and Ichigo found that scent somewhat calming. He liked the feel of Grims big hands on his shoulder, it felt safe. He'd always watched the shows, pleaded to see him but their work never matched or his manager didn't want him to which was probably more the case. They all thought Ichigo was a bit weird and they didn't know how to control him, so instead they contained him. Kept him locked in the house, babysat. Didn't they know he had wings and he needed to stretch them? Couldn't help stretching them, pushing out to the freedom and all that space he had to touch. His family thought he was 'maladjusted', brought on by childhood trauma, he'd heard them talking when they forced the sedatives down his throat each night. Not on tour though, Dad and his sisters were miles away back home and Shiro couldn't be bothered. Shiro's idea was to let him hang out. He'd find some groupies that wanted to fuck him and let him have his way. The roadies would feed him various pills and potions, get him all the drink he wanted and he'd spend the time either high as a kite or flaked out. No one realised he didn't need any of that to get high. He always was high. High, freaked out and bubbling with energy that didn't wanna stop pumping out. His hands or his feed would usually be tapping away, his fingers writing pretend lyrics in thin air and his mind on overload thinking of too many things at once he'd miss the things he was meant to be doing or seeing. He didn't understand people, didn't know what they wanted off him. They'd wanna look him in the eyes and make him listen, forcing his head to still and look at them. He'd be yelled at, to sit still, behave, be normal, what the fuck was all that? What was normal?
Why'd he have to be different? Mom knew, she knew he was 'special'. She hugged him, kissed him and whispered in his ear. Told him he was wonderful, told him he was her special boy...
"I saw 'em in tha sky..." His eyes were distant and Grim frowned as one arm reached up as if to grasp hold of something just out of reach. "I wanted to go to 'em." The kids eyes welled up and he shook his head. "Too far away...Just...too far..." He buried his face in the plush lion and Grim sighed, he was no doc, but this kid was one screwed up fucker. The press were bang on there. One thing the press weren't right about was Grimm was a fucking sap who hated to see anyone upset. He inwardly groaned and dragged the limp figure to his lap, the orange hair clashed brightly with his blue trousers but he didn't give a fuck about that. He cursed as Ichigo hissed in pain, the back of his head pulsed and his leg pulled at the stitches. "Sorry." Grim apologised. His fingers ran through the orange mop and the boy seemed to calm after a while.
"Hurts good."
"What?"
"Hurting...Like it...want it." Grim frowned and dismissed it and Ichigo slipped into a tired sounding little song. "Cage me, tie me down. Burn my skin, get my arm and bend around...show ya love, hurt me more...make it bleed and weep for sure...love tha pain ya inflict on me...love tha pain ya inflict on me..." He sighed and rubbed his head against Grims hold almost purring as his hair was tugged tightly by accident. Grim registered the smile on his face and wrapped his arms tightly around the thin body on his lap.
"Thirteen stories man... that's gonna be too far for anyone."
"I jumped." Ichigo's face was serious. "I ran and jumped."
"Ya could have died."
"My fault." What compelled Ichigo to start talking to this man who should have been a stranger, he couldn't say in words. All Ichigo knew was that this man wasn't a stranger, as being able to watch him on TV made him a friend. It brought Grim into his home, his life. That made him a friend, someone he knew. The reality that Grim was just a moving picture on his screen, no more an acquaintance than the bank manager, didn't get a glimmer of understanding from Ichigo. His life was skewed, his reasoning skewed, his understanding not that of a normal person.
"As I see it kid, to kill someone ya have to be the one with ya hand around their throat." To emphasise his point, Grim held Ichigo's neck but from around the back and applied a little pressure. "Get it?" Ichigo nodded and Grim went to move his hand away but Ichigo reached up behind his neck and held him still, pushing his own fingers tighter making Grim keep his hold just on the verge of painful. Grim frowned but the kid sighed and closed his eyes, tiredness dragging him down at last and it felt good to let it for once.
Ichigo, didn't want that hand to move, since Grim pulled him over, his mind had stilled. It cleared. His words slipped into his thoughts and drifted quietly, not like Shiro's who'd be banging around his skull. Grims hand just made him feel as if he was touching the earth, keeping him in a flesh coloured castle safe from everything that assaulted his senses. Grounded.
"How the fuck ya do that?" Shiro wasn't too quiet when he came back in.
"What?" Grim grunted.
"He's a fucking sleep?"
"Yeah?" Grim wondered at the big deal.
"Man unless he's knocked sideways by pills he don't sleep."
"Keep your voice down!" Isshin followed his son cuffing the white hair as he passed. "Mr Jag..."
"Grim'll do."
"I'm sorry my son should never have imposed on you." Isshin glared at Shiro.
