"Liebe kennt der allein, der ohne Hoffnung liebt"
(Love is only known by him who hopelessly persists in love.)
– Friedrich Schiller, "Don Carlos" -
In the lab, the Science alpha shift was running routine tests on the soil samples taken from various places on the southern continent of Bernaidh, an uninhabited planet in a star system that had originally been discovered by the Vulcans, but had been abandoned by their researchers after the destruction of their home planet.
Bernaidh wasn't gifted with outstanding natural beauty or a very diverse ecosystem, but at least it had water, arable land and an atmosphere similar enough to Earth's to allow most known humanoid species to breathe freely; and in the eyes of Starfleet Command, that made it worthy of further exploration.
So far, the tests results had been favorable, and Commander Spock had little doubt that he and his team would be able to deliver a very satisfactory preliminary report.
Spock bent over a rack of test tubes, checking the process of his experiment. Everything was going according to plan. The sample on the very right contained high amounts of iron, but he had already been able to tell that from the telltale reddish-brown color. So nothing new there.
By now, a human would probably have gotten bored by the distinct lack of exciting or even surprising findings, but luckily, Spock wasn't human. Or at least, not entirely.
He checked on a few of his team members, who were working diligently, but without any real enthusiasm, then decided that it was probably time for a visit to the bridge. His captain had a tendency to grow bored even faster than other members of his species, and a bored Jim was a danger to the universe itself. Sitting in the captain's chair, watching the away team down on the planet collect geological and biological samples and categorize plants wasn't very exciting, so Spock reckoned that he probably should make sure Jim didn't get any stupid ideas.
Admiral Pike had given Spock some very specific orders regarding Jim, and left him in no doubt that he expected the Vulcan first officer to keep his human captain out of trouble. Spock didn't fear Pike, but he respected him and he knew Jim well enough to know that he really did require careful supervision.
He also knew that Pike cared about Jim. A lot.
It was a strange little patchwork family that had formed around the Enterprise's former Captain, but apparently, it made all of them very happy. Christopher Pike regarded Jim as his son, just as he regarded Joana McCoy as his daughter. Jim thought of Joana as his sister. As for Leonard McCoy – he was Joana's father and Christopher's husband, but his relationship with Jim was a little more complex. They were best friends, obviously. Due to the age difference, though, Jim thought of Leonard as something of an older brother.
It was a unique concept, but it worked. Spock sometimes went to see them when he was on shoreleave, and he was always welcomed warmly and with laughter. Their happiness never failed to make him feel a pang of jealousy and a soft sting of regret.
He missed having a family. Maybe it was his human blood talking, but watching them together made him feel left out and lonely.
He knew that it was a longing that wouldn't be fulfilled anytime soon, and quite probably, wouldn't be fulfilled at all. Not now. Not ever. Spock wasn't Vulcan enough to be satisfied with a life among the other survivors in the colony, rebuilding their race and their culture, like his alter ego did. On the other hand, he wasn't human enough to content himself with finding a lover, getting married and raising a bunch of noisy human children, either. Besides, there was the trouble with finding a suitable partner. Spock had made some tentative attempts, the last of which had led him to Nyota Uhura, who was brilliant, beautiful, and absolutely perfect in a very human way, but regretfully, not perfect for him. Spock doubted that any human partner would suffice. And even if there should be such a rare creature – why in the world would anyone put up with a half-Vulcan with serious identity issues and a very troubled past that haunted him every waking moment?
There were some people, who didn't seem to mind. For the first time in his life, Spock actually had friends, who really cared about him, and not just because of his intellectual greatness. They admired him for more than his intelligence; they had actually taken a close look at his character and decided that they liked what they had seen.
Christopher Pike was one of them, and Leonard McCoy was another. There was also Nyota, who didn't hold a grudge, because their relationship hadn't worked out and who had always been supportive and understanding.
And then there was Jim.
Jim.
There wasn't a word in any of the languages Spock knew to properly describe their relationship. It was a close friendship, and yet it was more than that. There was a special bond gradually growing between them and getting stronger by the day, and quite frankly, whatever that thing was, it scared Spock. He instinctively knew that something just wasn't right.
He had contemplated asking his father about it, but Amanda's death had estranged Sarek and Spock even more (if that was even possible), and asking his older self somehow felt like cheating.
So Spock was left alone with his hopes, and fears and worries.
Due to his position as first officer of the Federation's flagship, receiving a call from the Head of Starfleet Tactical wasn't particularly surprising to Spock.
What surprised him, though, was the fact that Admiral Pike called to discuss private rather than professional matters.
Spock had no trouble with the concept of small talk; he recognized it as an efficient way to prevent hostilities between opposing parties, to comfort nervous or distraught members of humanoid species and to lay the foundations for conversations on more serious matters, especially during diplomatic negotiations.
Christopher Pike, however, was not a hostile party, didn't seem to be in any need of comforting and had forfeited the opportunity of a diplomatic career in favor of Leonard and Starfleet Tactical. Therefore, small talk was completely and utterly pointless.
However, Spock had been raised by one of Vulcan's most distinguished diplomats and a woman who had shown enough interracial tolerance to marry outside her own species; so he politely answered Pike's questions after his health, the mission, his crewmates and life aboard the Enterprise.
"I trust that Leonard and Joana are well?" He asked. It was a pointless question – if either of them hadn't been well, Pike wouldn't have been talking to him right now.
"Never been better. Now, be honest with me - is Bernaidh already boring you to death, Spock?"
"I'm not Jim, Admiral," Spock reminded him gently.
A brief smile flickered across Pike's face, before it grew sober once again. "Indeed."
"Are you calling me about him?" Spock asked, his eyebrow going up.
Interesting…
"No, not exactly. I happen to know that my son is tolerably well and I trust that you'll keep him out of trouble. I'm calling to ask you a question." Pike was frowning now. Something was on his mind, and it was bothering him. Spock idly wondered what it could be and how it was related to Jim.
"Regarding?"
"Carol Marcus. Do you know her?"
The eyebrow moved another half inch. But there was no point denying it. "Yes, I met her briefly."
Pike didn't need to know that during that meeting, Spock had considered killing Carol Marcus seven different ways. He also didn't need to know the reason for this sudden bout of bloodlust.
"Was she with Jim when you met her?"
Ah. So he does know.
"Yes."
Pike's frown deepened and somehow it gave Spock a certain sense of satisfaction that the Admiral didn't seem too pleased about his son's relationship with the blond scientist, either.
"They are not in a relationship anymore," Spock remarked. Luckily for her…
"I already guessed that. But they were involved somehow, weren't they? Can you tell me how long ago they parted?"
"Two years, one month and seventeen days ago," Spock replied.
"Accurate as always," Pike murmured.
Obviously. But in this case, I had another reason to remember the exact day.
"And they haven't been in contact since?"
"Not to my knowledge." And trust me, I would know…
"Thank you very much, Spock."
"Are you going to tell me what instigated this sudden interest in Carol Marcus?" Spock asked, curiosity getting the better of him.
Pike looked at him for a moment, appearing to contemplate whether to offer the truth or a polite lie. "If you can keep it to yourself, I might."
"Do you not trust me, Admiral?"
"In all matters, except those regarding Jim. You're biased when it comes to him."
"And you aren't?"
"Touché. I'm his father, though. I think that gives me a pretty good excuse for being biased. What's yours?"
"Friendship, Admiral."
"Really…?" Pike asked, a strange inflection in his voice. "Very well, Spock but I must ask you not to tell him. Not yet, at least. Carol Marcus appears to be the mother of a charming little boy with incredibly blue eyes, and I'm sort of wondering whether that's a coincidence."
If Spock had ever been more startled than now, he didn't remember it.
"You believe…"
"I don't know what to believe, Spock. I just know that little David bears a suspicious resemblance to a certain someone we both know, and I'd really love to know more about the matter. And quite possibly, hang Jim from his ankles if he's known about this all along."
Join the club. Even though I would extend the same kindness to the woman.
"I suppose you cannot very well have the paternity tested without the mother's consent?"
"I'm working on getting around that. Sometimes, being married to a doctor can be quite useful."
Ah yes. I forgot Leonard. He would have access to data we do not have…
"What will you do if you are proven right?"
Pike shrugged. "I'll probably seek out Carol Marcus, welcome my grandson to the family and have a very long, very stern talk with my son. But currently, I'm still hoping to be proven wrong."
I share that hope. Fervently.
"Is there anything else I could help you with, Admiral?"
"Not for the moment, Spock. Just remember to keep it quiet."
Spock nodded. Oh yes, he would. He also knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep or meditate tonight, not with thoughts of Carol Marcus and her blond, blue-eyed child haunting his mind.
