OK I know I said it was a One-Shot. I lied.
For Matt, who gave me the idea.
And for Qoheleth, for reviewing first and spotting the cure for the Sascha issue.
And for Muncher, I fixed the spacing now.
Disclaimer:- I may have given them all embarrassing middle-names but that still does not make them mine.
Artemis was walking through a patch of woodland in the grounds of Fowl Manor. He had vague memories of coming here to feed ducks as a child. He wondered whether any of the descendants of those birds still lived there today. He sat down on a bench on the bank of the circular pond and picked a slice of bread from the bag waiting for him. He attempted to Frisbee it across the water. Instead it acted more like a boomerang and sailed into the rushes, startling a moorhen from its nest. Artemis sighed; he never had been good at throwing. He broke off a piece from another slice and threw it up in a high arc. Like attracting magnets, the piece ended up in the reeds again.
And again on the third attempt.
On the fourth Artemis got to his feet and swung his arm as hard as he could. The soft white square rocketed upwards, then gravity caught up with it and it landed with a dull 'thunk' in the rushes again. Artemis returned to his seat, temporarily defeated. Giving it one last effort he chucked the stale crust of the loaf into the foliage.
"Oi!" came a voice from the reeds. "Mind where you're chucking that!"
The voice was rather familiar, if a little hoarser than usual. Quackier. Like Donald Duck. Artemis was surprised to find he remembered the character.
"I beg your pardon?" Artemis called.
A beak protruded from between the stems of rushes.
"I said go throw your leftovers somewhere else! I live here, you know, and you're littering."
"I'm very sorry I didn't realise." Artemis tried to get a closer look at the talking duck. Wait, what? The talking duck?
"Yeah well, you should be." The voice muttered, swimming out into the open water.
Artemis stepped back, slipped on the wet grass and fell on his backside.
"H...Holly?"
"What?" Asked the duck-billed, goose-bodied, white-feathered, red-haired, elf-faced creature. "Who's Holly? My name is Felicity."
"Oh... ah... never mind." Artemis panicked. Alright, calm down, his logical side told himself. The logical explanation to this is that I am dreaming. That's it. A dream brought on by the unusual conversation we had earlier. Unfortunately his subconscious was in charge at this moment and politely asked his logical side to leave a message after the tone. Deciding to leave the Holly/Duck combination behind he headed back up the hill to find a man digging potatoes.
"Mulch is that you?" Artemis asked tentatively.
"Mulch? I could do with some Mulch for my potatoes, lad." The gardener said in a thick countryman's accent.
"Mulch, I believe that is a farmer's accent not a gardener's." Artemis pointed out.
"Are you making fun of my accent?" The dwarf asked angrily. "And who is this Mulch fellow you be going on about? I'm Terrence, remember?"
"Sorry... Terrence." Artemis backed away slowly. This was very odd. Right now the one person he wanted was Butler. He'd sort this all out. It's a dream!His rational side screamed. His dream self took no notice. Further up the hill, in the place of Fowl Manor was a tavern. A sign announced it as the "Duck, Duck, Goose Inn". It was suddenly becoming very dark and the light inside was very welcoming. He opened the heavy wooden door to the ear-drum assaulting Irish music most commonly associated with Irish dancing.
"What on earth..." Artemis began.
"It's not a girl's name it's short for Aleksandr!" The huge, swaying man at the bar was bellowing at a young woman in a similar state of drunkenness.
"It's a girl's name! Mother didn't mean it to be short for Aleksandr or she would have put that on your birth certificate!" Juliet yelled.
"Sasha is unisex! Ask Artemis!" Butler pointed in the general direction of his charge, who quickly hid behind another customer in the packed room.
"Well there's only one way to find out..."a Harry Hill look-alike exclaimed excitedly.
"Dance off!" roared the barman.
And with that the two Butler's leapt onto the wooden tables, giant German jugs in hands slopping beer over anyone unfortunate enough to be standing in the front row. The music boomed louder and the pair suddenly started a professional Irish Jig. It was then Artemis realised that Juliet was wearing a kilt. As was his bodyguard.
"Come on Arty, join in!" Juliet wobbled dangerously on the edge of the table.
"I don't want to!" Artemis cried over the noise. "I don't want to wear a kilt!"
"It's ok! They're unisex!" Juliet shouted back, as she and Butler did a shaky rendition of the 'swing-your-partner-round-the-world' move.
"But they're Scottish! Kilts are Scottish not Irish!" Artemis wailed, covering his face with his hands.
The music stopped abruptly as he jerked upright. Four pairs of eyes looked at him from the gloom of the Fowl's home-cinema. Only two pairs looked concerned in anyway.
"Are you alright?" Butler asked. Butler, who was, thankfully, not wearing a kilt. Artemis nodded shakily.
"Artemis? Of course kilts are Scottish." Juliet giggled.
"Did you just fall asleep?" Mulch chortled. "Without you security laptop?"
"Hey Artemis look at this Donald the Duck hat I found. Is it your brothers'?" Holly put the baseball cap on. Artemis looked at her. He saw the beak shaped protrusion from her head. In a panic he leapt out of his chair, ran down the isle and left the room yelling about Ducks, Geese and Irish dancing. Butler raised an eyebrow before following him.
"Well that was odd."
I think that last line sums it up really.
I probably should have kept this to myself.
Ah well.
