He lay on his side and now being face to face with John he could see how tired he was and how much he did need sleep, but he felt the usual stir in his stomach, he wanted attention.

He reached over and stroked john's cheek, it was rough with stubble under his hand and he shuddered a little, john was a man but he had to get what he needed.

"Harold stop" said john moving finch's hand

"No" he replied and moved closer to him,

He needed his lips, it would wash away his inner turmoil, he pulled his hand free from John's and captured his neck, pulling him closer, john let him and they kissed, this was what Finch missed most.

Then John quickly pulled back "No this is wrong" he said moving finch's hand again

"No its not" smiled Finch,

"Yes it is... You know it is"

"Do I?"

"Yes, you never get near me unless you've been drinking"

"But..." started Finch

"Do not lie and say its only one glass either, what is it tonight a whole bottle? Again?"

Finch knew his game was up "Yes and what does it matter?"

John's mouth dropped open "What does it matter?" he repeated

"Yes why does it matter that I've had some wine?"

"Some wine?" John laughed "Some wine in a glass or two not a whole bottle"

"So I had a bottle, what does it matter?" Finch felt his drunken haze falling away

"Why do you have to drink?" asked John

"I just do" was all he could think to say

"And once you drink all you want is pleasure and you knowing Ill give it to you. But not anymore" said John moving to sit up

"I don't even think you want a man that's why you drink, you get what you want then fall asleep happy. Leaving me to deal with myself. If it's that awful with me why don't you go pay a hooker? You have enough money to pay for their silence"

"No" said Finch he hated the idea

"Not no. Yes you need to get your pleasure elsewhere cos I'm not doing it anymore. I asked you to lie with me and instantly your after attention, when your sober you wouldn't lie with me or even let me near you"

"I would"

"Don't lie to me. You don't feel for me beyond a... friend. A distant one at that" john stood "And I'm not lying in this bed with you anymore. You want attention use your hand, like I have to"

"John please stay" said Finch moving to grab John's hand

"Why should I? To please you and get hurt again? No thanks" John said pulling his hand from Finch's grip

"John please" his voice broke as he pleaded and he started to cry

"Tears and pleading won't get you anywhere"

"John... I need you..."

"Stop it, if you needed me you'd be honest with me, but your not" John started to pull on his pants

"Ill tell you everything,I promise but please stay" he felt pathetic and knew he had to tell him or he would loose john.

"Ill stay till I think your lying or bull shitting me then I will leave" said John sternly as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

Finch wiped at the tears and took a deep breath, no one knew who he really was or where he came from but in order to not loose john he had to let him in.

"John... This is hard... I... I don't know who or what I am sexually, ok? I... I was raised in care for the age of four and my foster family made me pray that god would punish gays and heal my damaged soul, from four years old John"

The memories flashed back, at four it was just words he was told to say, and he got praise of he said it right. He shuddered at the memory but continued

"I uh... I had many foster siblings, most were boys, manly, macho boys into sports and wanted to join the services. I was always the more feminine one into reading and studying, they always called me a Nancy boy but mom would scold them saying god would help me in the end"

Another memory flashed through his mind, their faces clear and it hurt

"One day this boy Ralph started a fight with me, he was a wrestler in the school team, blooded my nose and I was left covered in bruises. I then realised why I was made to pray so much, they all thought I was gay and all the girls at school did too"

He paused and looked at john, his expression still hard

"Laura was my first, I was just sixteen and I was intent of ridding myself of the side my family hated so much. So on my birthday I got my grades early and decided to leave, to get away from everything. So I slept with Laura my best friend then set off and never looked back. I started at college with a new name and again I had the same problems, but I always denied I was gay, I never knew anything about what it was to be gay till I was older"

He was flash backing again then he felt a hand on his, he looked at John and his expression had changed, it was softer but he continued

"I was always around women, that's where I was comfortable but they always wanted more from me and I couldn't do it, as much as I tried I must add. So again got grades new name and I set off again, started at MIT that's when I met Nathan. Over time he got married and decided I needed a woman in my life, that's how grace came along. Friends at first but with pressure and expectance from Nathan and everyone around me I had no choice but to go further. Yes I was happy with grace but work was my life, being around Nathan was my life and I did what was necessary to fit in"

Memories of times with grace flooded his mind and he smiled

"Four years, most people would have been married in that time but I never wanted to settle down completely, I always wanted a new me. The accident helped that, I couldn't take pity from grace nor could I ruin her life so I got better and hid away, finding another new me, the one you see now. My family life is part of me and it still scares me, so underneath it all I may be attracted to men but its buried so deep" he paused he felt drained and wanted to cry again

"Can I ask something?" asked John squeezing his hands

"Yes"

"What do you feel when you see me?"

"When? Now?"

"No, you've been drinking. I mean when you see me on a normal day when I walk into the library?"

"I don't know" he didn't, he suddenly felt very insecure

"Harold, answer me"

"I don't know how to" he meant it and a tear escaped which John brushed away

"Ok, calm down. When I walk in do you, I don't know... How would you like to greet me? I mean what do you want to do but won't do"

"Umm... Hug you"

"Ok, how do you feel when I'm stood close to you?"

"Next to me?"

"That's a start yes"

"Hold your hand, and when you lean close to look at the monitor I want to... To..." he faltered again, he couldn't say it

"Kiss me" said John and Finch looked up stunned

"Don't pull that face Harold I mean when I do that do you want to kiss me?"

Finch looked down at his hands "yes"

"So why don't you?"

"Because it's wrong"

"Ok... Right" said John, he paused "ok Harold so if you prayed from the age of four till you were sixteen for gays to die and foe your soul why aren't you dead?"

Finch looked up confused "what do you mean?"

"Harold... Sorry but I think you are gay or bi but in some way gay and if you prayed for twelve years for gays to die why aren't you dead?"

"I don't know"

"Exactly you were told it was wrong for so long that you believe it, you were brainwashed as a child and that's what effects you, your body knows what it wants and if you... Reprogrammed your mind you could be happy"

"Happy being gay? With you?" it sounded an obscene idea, but made a little sense

"No just to except who you are. You can't help your sexuality it's born in you" john half smiled but it faded quickly "am I just talking for nothing?"

"No I hear you, I'm just unsure" he was very confused but sure of one thing

"About what?"

"How I overcome twelve years of brainwashing to give you what you need from me?"

Johns face lit up "I'm not saying this for myself; I'm saying this to help you. It'll take time but it can be done... If you want it to"

Finch touched john's cheek "I do"

"It won't be easy I'm telling you now. But no more drinking, promise?"

Finch didn't like it already

"Don't frown at me, if you want to get over it you need to do it properly and sober. Promise me?"

"Ok, I promise" but he didn't want to.

"Ok well start tomorrow, it's gone midnight and I'm tired. Can I snuggle with you?"

He liked the sound of this "yes please".

John took of his pants and got back into bed and wrapped his arms around Finch.