Here's the second chapter! Thank you for your support and reviews.

WARNING: This chapter contains discussions about miscarriage that could be "trigger" material.


Christmas 2015

The first time Felicity managed to open her eyes she was lying on a hospital bed in a semi dark room. There were tubes coming in and out of her skin and she had to blink twice for the fog in her head to disappear.

And then she remembered why she was there in the first place.

Oliver proposed—and she said yes.

There were happiness and kisses—until Darkh's men started shooting at them. Oliver covered her with his body, yelling above the noises that they were going to be okay. And then he moved to drive the limo away—and she got shot.

Oliver.

Her eyes went wide but before she had even the chance to scream, her mother came into the room followed by a doctor.

"Mom! Oliver—where's Oliver? Is he okay?"

Donna's eyes were full of tears as she cupped her cheeks. "Baby—he's fine. He brought you here and then he said he had to do something—but he's fine." Felicity didn't miss the hint of disappointment and anger in her mother's voice.

"Thank God!" She closed her eyes as relief washed over her and she slumped back on the bed. She could imagine what was the 'something' he had to do.

Kill Darkh, for starters.

When she opened them again, the doctor was still standing at the foot of the bed, a serious look on his face, and when she shifted her eyes to her mother she saw tears coming down her eyes.

"What's going on?" Her voice came out tenser than she intended.

The doctor broke the silence. "Miss Smoak, I'm Doctor Carson, I'm the one that took care of you when you arrived in the ER."

Felicity nodded. "Is something wrong?" Her mother shifted on the chair beside her.

"Your conditions are serious, Miss Smoak. You were shot with two bullets, one came through your lower abdomen on the right side, the other much higher— we're keeping your body sedated because we're fearing a spinal cord injury."

As soon as the words sunk in her head—she realized for the first time that she couldn't feel her body.

She was so worried about Oliver that she didn't even notice- her body was asleep from the waist down.

Her voice came out in a whisper. "A spinal cord injury?" The doctor nodded. "Yes. But there aren't any certainties yet, Miss Smoak. It could be temporary. We'd like to take a few more tests—and if we find that there is indeed some damage—we can try to operate and repair it. I don't want to scare you—we simply don't have enough information at the moment, we'll know better in the next few hours."

She swallowed. She could be paralyzed for life—and the thought was terrifying. She started shaking.

When the doctor cleared his throat, bringing her attention back to him- she saw discomfort in his eyes.

"Miss Smoak, there's another thing—" Before he could finish the sentence, Donna was on her feet, gripping Felicity's hand in hers.

"Thank you, Doctor."

He opened his mouth, but her mother was quicker. "She's my daughter—if she needs to know, she'll know it from me."

The doctor just nodded and left the room. Felicity squeezed her mother's hand. "Mom? What's going on?"

Donna turned to her, tears leaking from her eyes and she sat on the bed next to her. She cupped her cheek, brushing her fingers on her pale skin. "Felicity, baby—" A sob came out of her mother.

For her mother to be so upset, whatever this was had to be horrible—even more horrible that a spinal cord injury. "Mom—you're scaring me. Tell me—"

Donna kissed her forehead. "I just want you to know that I love you so much, baby. You're my baby girl— I'll never leave you."

"Mom-"

Donna moved back a little. "They—They found out—T-There was—" More tears ran down her mother's cheeks. "There was a baby, Felicity. Y-You were pregnant—"

Pregnant.

Everything went silent and still as Donna watched in horror Felicity's eyes became wide and her breath caught in her throat.

"What?" She couldn't stop the whisper that escaped her lips.

"I'm so sorry baby, the bullet- the pregnancy was at a very early stage and the trauma was just too much, they couldn't—"

They couldn't save him. She was alive—and her baby was dead.

Donna started crying silently beside her, stroking her hair.

Felicity was in shock. It was too much.

Her entire being floated out of her body, watching the scene unfolding from the outside. The rest was just white noise. She couldn't even hear her mother talking because—she had been pregnant.

She had been pregnant with Oliver's baby.

For a short period of time—they were three. They were a family. They created a life together—and just like that, it was gone.

Darkh took that away from her—from them.

Blood rushed to her head and her hand gravitated to her flat stomach.

She felt Donna's hand cover hers.

"No— mom, please. There must have been a mistake-" It was her own voice. She was crying.

Donna moved to hug her, and she was engulfed in her mother's arms. "Oh, baby—I'm so sorry."

She shut her eyes closed. "But I didn't even feel it—I didn't know- God, no. No no no—please. No-"

Pain split her heart in two. It was something she couldn't even put into words.

And then there were only tears for both women. Felicity cried in her mother's arms until the sobs were reduced to silent tears and Donna was lying on the bed beside her, stroking her hair.

"It's going to be okay, baby-"

She couldn't even recognize her own broken voice when she spoke again. "How?"

Donna closed her eyes. "I don't know."

"Oliver can't know about this."

Donna moved beside her, looking at her in the eyes. "What? Felicity—"

She shook her head. "I can't. You don't understand- It will destroy him, and he needs to stay focus. He doesn't have to suffer from all of this right now—I can keep it to myself. I can bear it—I can bear it for the both of us."

She could live alone in the knowledge of what they had lost that night—if it meant sparing him the pain.

"You can't keep it to yourself, Felicity. He has the right to know—" She made her daughter look at her. "You have to lean on him, baby. You need to grieve—you need to mourn your baby together or you'll never heal—"

The tears came back with vengeance and they flooded down Felicity's cheeks. "I will, mom. I will tell him—when this is all over. I will—but not right now. Promise me."

"When what is over?"

Felicity shook her head. "Just—promise me, mom."

Donna caressed her cheek. "I promise."


Present Day

By the time she was done talking, the night had fallen on them and they were surrounded by darkness. The only lights were coming from the stars and the fires still burning around the island. She was cold. And not the usual cold from a chilly night on an island—she was cold deep down in her bones.

They stayed silent for a long time.

John was still holding her hand in his, his grip almost painful. There were tears running down his cheeks but he wasn't looking at her.

"John- say something, please." Her whisper was barely audible.

He finally turned his face to look at her- and she saw devastation staring back at her.

"God, Felicity-"

A sob got stuck in her throat and she just nodded a little. "I know—"

"Why—why, in the name of God, didn't you say something?"

"I-I—" She gripped his wrist, shaking her head. "I couldn't, John - I just couldn't. Not in that moment- he had too much going on. He had to stay focus on Darkh, you had to deal with your brother, and then my injury- and I didn't know how to deal with that either, and he was already blaming himself—I was so messed up, I didn't know what I was doing."

John interrupted her, a serious look on his face. "Screw Darkh! Screw my brother and the mission! You come first, Felicity. Please tell me you know that- for Oliver and for me, too."

"I know- I was going to tell you both, John. I swear. You have to believe me-but then-"

He shook his head. "Then you learned about William and he was abducted."

She nodded. "I was hurt about the lie, that's no secret—but I knew that when that was over, I had to tell him. And then he just sent William away without even—" She shook her head, more tears falling.

John sighed, passing a hand over his face. Goddamnit.

"It was just too much, too soon. I was so scared- and so, so hurt. I thought I would lose him all over again- and I had lost so much already."

Silent tears were coming down her cheeks. "And after- I just wanted Darkh to die for what he took from us. I thought that if he died- I would feel better. But instead I just felt—"

"- empty."

John finished for her, and she nodded.

"The whole thing just left me—I don't know, John. I can't even put it into words. And then Havenrock happened. I was, I mean, I am still trying to get into terms with what I did—and I couldn't breathe anymore."

The familiar pressure on her lungs was back with vengeance.

"I was a coward. I didn't have the strength to face it again. I just wanted things to go back to normal—"

A sob wracked her body. "-but they never did, John. Since that night I have this hole in my heart and it never goes away-"

He cupped her cheeks more firmly.

"You never allowed yourself to grieve, Felicity. You aren't a coward, you protected Oliver- carrying this all by yourself. But you were thinking of everyone except the only person that mattered- you. No one would have blamed you for anything, you have to know that Felicity. You are one of the most important people in my life, you're my best friend- and Oliver loves you. You are his whole world."

She shook her head in his palms. "I'm sorry-"

"No- I am sorry. I'm sorry you went through all of this alone. I'm so- so sorry for what happened that night. But Felicity- he needs to know. You need him, now more than ever."

She shifted her eyes away from him, but John made her look at him again. "Your mom was right, you'll never heal- the pain will never ease unless you face what happened- together."

She shut her eyes closed. "I can't. He'll hate me, John. After he knows all of this— he will hate me. And he will hate himself."

John wiped away her tears. "I don't think there's a force on earth that would make Oliver Queen hate you, Felicity. Yes, he will blame himself—but that's why he needs you."

She shook her head. "I don't know if I can- I don't know if I'm strong enough."

"I think that if all of this has proven something—is that you're the strongest person I've ever met, Felicity Smoak. You'll survive this—Oliver will, too."

He kissed her forehead, resting his chin on the top of her head. After a while he laid down again next to her, holding her hand.

She was exhausted. The pain was slowing returning and her ribs and back hurt for staying still in the same position for hours.

Felicity turned her eyes to the stars again, and she decided in that moment to be completely honest with her friend.

One hundred percent, all cards on the table. No more secrets.

She closed her eyes. "I almost left."

John's head whipped to her. "What?"

She nodded. "I couldn't find peace anywhere. The loss was—" She shook her head in disbelief. "I wasn't sleeping anymore. I just- I was a wreck."

A lonely tear escaped her eyes at the memory of all of the nights she spent sitting in front of the windows, asking herself how she ended up like this. Wondering if she would ever going to be fine again.

"So I decided to leave. I had all packed and ready to go—I wasn't going to say anything. I booked a flight to Nevada to be with my mom and I was ready to leave."

"Why didn't you?" John's voice was soft but sad.

She held his gaze for a long moment.

"I got a call—from you."

John shifted beside her, his brows furrowing.

"I didn't answer it. But I listened to—"

"—the voice mail." He finished, closing his eyes in understanding. He remembered the call, what he said to her.

She smiled sadly at him. "You said you were leaving, joining the Army again. And you said you were worried about me, about Oliver—and then—"

He looked at her in the eyes. "—I asked you to take care of each other while I was gone."

Another tear followed the same path.

"Thea was leaving, too. I went to the lair, and I found him in the middle of the rubbles—just standing there, alone. And I couldn't do it- despite everything, I couldn't leave him."

John's softened. "I'm glad."

She simply squeezed his hand in hers.

John and that voice mail were the reasons she fought through the burning desire to ran away. Thinking about it now, it would have been a terrible mistake. Still, even if she stayed on the team and she helped Oliver rebuild it all…she couldn't tell him about that night. It was too late. She had closed that door—buried the pain in the farthest corner of her heart.

And she simply started pretending she was fine.

'The problem is that you can't pretend forever, Felicity' Her mother's voice ringing in her ears. How right she was.

After that, silence fell on them.

She was sure John was still taking in what she had told him—and it was a lot. They stayed like that for a while, until the words just spilled out of her mouth.

"Do you—do you think we can still do it? Oliver and me?"

John turned to her. "You don't?"

She turned her gaze to the sky again. "When we came back from Ivi Town I thought we could do it all. I thought we could—be together and be on the team, I believed we were strong enough to face anything. And then all of this happened, and I guess I lost—"

"—faith."

She smiled a little. "Stop finish my sentences."

He smiled back. "Sorry. It's just—odd. Oliver asked me the same thing—" She tilted her eyebrow in question. "Yes—when you found out that Ray was alive and you guys were fighting—he asked me why did you choose him over Ray. He thought maybe this life was just too much for your relationship—"

"Oh…"

"I'll tell you what I told him back then—this is how it's supposed to be. It's not meant to be easy, giving what we do—what we see every day with this life. But from what I have seen so far—you two are at your best when you're together."

"Do you really think that?"

"The point is—yes, something terrible happened and it's going to take time, but you've been completely in love with each other for almost five years. I think you owe to yourself to fight for what you have—"

He squeezed her shoulder. "If anyone deserves to be happy—it's you and Oliver."

Tears pooled again in her eyes. "I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like you—"

He squeezed her hand. "Trust me, I ask myself the same question about you every day."

She chuckled and he smiled softly at her.

She shifted on the ground, and a hiss of pain escaped her lips. John moved to take a look at her leg and she saw the line of his jaw tensing.

"It doesn't look good, does it?"

"You're losing a lot of blood—"

"Oliver is going to find us."

"Yeah—let's hope it's soon rather than later. It's almost two in the morning—it's been hours."

"He'll come."

They fell silent again after that, both staring at the stars while minutes passed and nothing happened. For the first time in so long, she felt relieved. John knew—finally. The most painful and horrifying moment of her life—he finally knew it. And she received nothing but love and understanding in return. No judgment, no blame.

She should have known better than to doubt that. She should have trust them with her heart. Maybe some of this could have been different-

But there was no turning back now— she had to tell Oliver. There was no escaping this.

She allowed herself to think about what could have been if that night never happened, if she was never shot. They would have gone home to celebrate their engagement. And maybe—a few weeks later she would have known about the pregnancy, and she would have told Oliver. Felicity could see crystal clear in her mind the moment the news would have sunk in and the joy blooming in his eyes. There would have been doubts and fear but ultimately kisses and promises—she could see the light, the lazy mornings in bed with a baby between them.

She could see the happiness—the love.

She wasn't cold anymore.