So Kat had begun to once again shroud herself in a veil that hid her true emotions from the real world. Sure, she gave herself a grace period. Her best friend, her brother, had just died. This was a boy who was often there for her more than her actual brother. So she cried and became a zombie of grief for a few days, until after the funeral. Then she hid herself again. Tried to keep herself busy with the memorial to show that she was channelling her grief into something productive. Ethan called almost hourly in the beginning, and though Kat had cried the first time she had heard his voice after the accident, from then on every response to his "Are you okay?" was, "I'm fine," when she was anything but.
Abigail had hid too, under her hard exterior. She seemed to be mad at herself for having a moment of vulnerability in the shower and was almost robotic, until something changed and she didn't mind showing the vulnerability. She came forward to help plan the memorial, to tell the others what Sammy wanted. It was then that Kat truly became aware of how very much Abigail loved Sammy. Whether it was romantic love or friendship love, Kat didn't know. Maybe it was both. But Kat hadn't realised how much Abigail cared for Sammy until after he was dead, which was saddening.
Why, all of a sudden, was Abigail able to bare every emotion while Kat was struggling to even operate? She acted like all was well again. She took her exams, she cheered Tara on in the Prix, she danced with Ben and the others under the balloons. She went off with Tara to the farm in her little overalls and laughed with Tara and herded sheep and danced in the fields. But still it felt like this despair that she had been feeling ever since Sammy had died was festering in her and she didn't know how to get rid of it. She always thought if she experienced grief, she'd be quick to jump back up. But Kat was one of those girls that rarely fell, and when she did fall, she fell hard.
When she and Tara returned to the Academy for a new year, everything seemed normal but far from it. Sammy was gone, but it was like everyone had forgotten over the break. Everybody was still sad about it, but they had moved on. You couldn't mourn forever. Now it was a new year, time to focus on studies and dancing. For Tara and the rest of the third years, it was time to put all efforts into getting into the company. Kat wished she had something to work hard for, like the company. She had second year exams, but they hardly seemed to matter anymore.
At the boarding house, everything was chaotic. Abigail was sitting on the sofa texting (probably with Ethan – he had been giving Kat countless updates about their trip over the break) and looked bored with the goings on around her. Kat and Tara went over and she smiled but didn't take her eyes off her phone. "So how was it being country bumpkins on Tara's sheep farm?"
Kat laughed. She had become good at laughing naturally now. "Well hello to you too Abby dearest. How was Barcelona?"
"It was good."
"Is that all we get? It was good?" said Tara, raising her eyebrows.
"Have you seen the psychotic blonde girl yet?" said Abigail flatly, pocketing her phone and standing up.
"Oh, yeah… Grace," said Tara, her brow furrowing. "Ugh. I don't know what I'm going to do, rooming with her."
"You're not rooming with Kat?" asked Abigail.
"I wouldn't just kick you out," said Tara. "I think I can get Grace to warm to me again. At the very least we can tolerate one another."
"And if it gets too bad, you can just drag your mattress to our room and sleep on the floor!" said Kat cheerfully. Abigail looked fairly happy by this turn of events.
"Right then," Abigail said. "Let's go."
They took their bags upstairs. They had been given the same room as the previous year. Tara joined them after a while.
"So… what happened between you and my brother over the holidays?" said Kat, sitting cross legged with Tara on the bed across from Abigail.
Abigail frowned at her, but there was a faint smile playing on her lips. "Whatever do you mean?"
"Oh, look at you," said Tara. "Something happened."
"So something might have happened. It was a holiday romance, nothing more, nothing less. It's over now. Ethan's staying in Barcelona and I'm here. I don't have time for guys, anyway. I need to focus. It's our last year."
"I'd almost forgotten," Tara teased.
"The Benster is back!" came a loud voice down the hall, and Ben was suddenly poking his head around the doorway. He was grinning widely as he sauntered in, and plonked down next to Abigail, who looked disgruntled by it but didn't move away, which was an improvement on past Abigail.
"Ben!" said Tara, and she got off the bed and hugged him before returning to Kat. "How were your holidays?"
"Pretty quiet. See, all my friends sort of left me all alone in Sydney for six weeks. Not much to do," he said, feigning offence.
"Aw, we're sorry Ben," said Kat, who felt she hadn't spoken for a while and needed to say something.
"It's okay. I got a job, made some money. Anybody heard from Christian?"
"He promised he would be coming back," said Tara, almost defensively. "He better be coming back."
Over the next hour, everybody was getting settled back in. Kat unpacked and went to see if Christian had arrived. They had been… okay since last year, mostly due to the fact that everybody had come together after Sammy had died, but she wanted to make sure. She paused outside his room. This had been Sammy's room too…
Christian opened the door suddenly and jumped when he saw her. "You scared me!" He was wearing the leather jacket Tara had gotten for him.
"I just came to say hi…" Kat said. She looked past Christian into the room and saw bags on Sammy's bed, and for a horrible split second she thought Sammy was back.
Christian saw what Kat was looking at. "Oh. Yeah, Ben's rooming with me. I don't know how I'm not going to go absolutely crazy by the end of the year."
Kat forced a laugh. "So how was the open road with your dad?"
Christian nodded thoughtfully. "Good for clearing my head. And I think I've made progress with my dad."
"That's awesome," said Kat.
"How was the farm?" asked Christian, stepping aside and gesturing for her to come in.
"Good. I sheared a sheep," said Kat, remaining in the doorway.
"Cool."
They stood awkwardly for a moment. Kat sighed. "Do you just want to… start over? Just be friends?"
Christian nodded. "That would be… nice."
Nice. Fine. Kat forced another laughed. "Great. Okay. I'll see you around." She turned and left quickly, still feeling like the ghost of Sammy inhabited that room.
"Heeeeey guuuyyysss."
Kat and Abigail glanced up to see Grace standing in their doorway. Tara pushed past her and sat down on Abigail's bed, rolling her eyes.
"Grace. How nice to see you again," said Abigail sweetly, though her face contained a fair amount of hatred for the girl. And there was that word again – nice.
"You too," said Grace with her smile that everybody had come to know as fake. "I'm excited to be back. I'm glad winning the Prix gave me this opportunity. Plus I would love to be friends with you all again."
Abigail did nothing to cover her snort of laughter.
Grace frowned. "I know that I was less than kind to you last year, but I want to fix that. Really. Tara and I have already made up."
"Really?" said Abigail sceptically, turning to Tara. "Is that so?"
Tara shrugged. "I don't want to have any unnecessary friction. Grace suggested a ceasefire."
"Okay. Well, Grace, I think our friend ship has already hit that ice berg, so we will not be chums. But thanks for the offer," said Abigail stiffly.
"Fine. Kat?" said Grace, looking expectant.
"Sure. Why not," said Kat, her mind not really on the conversation at hand.
"Excellent! I'll see you girls later!" Grace left.
"What is wrong with you two?" said Abigail, frustrated. "That girl is a sociopath. She was a total bitch to you Tara, and you Kat. After everything she's done… and you know she's just going to go back to her scheming in no time at all."
"It's first day back. I figured I might as well just say yes," said Kat. "It's better to be on her good side."
"She doesn't have a good side," Abigail muttered.
It was then that Miss Raine appeared in the doorway, wearing her usual black skirt. "Hello girls. Settled back in?"
Kat had always liked Miss Raine. Something about her told Kat that she wasn't a cold, heartless woman but actually someone with a lot of heart who was just trying to run a successful school and shape her students into the best they could be. Her respect for the principal had grown considerably with the way Miss Raine had cared for everybody during a tragedy.
"Yes, Miss Raine," said Tara, all manners. "How was your holiday?"
"Very good. I hope you all haven't been neglecting your dancing and fitness over the break. Class starts tomorrow and I won't tolerate sloppiness." But there was a slight smile on her face. "Oh, and just so you know, the production of Peter Pan will be happening this year. Roles will remain unchanged unless there is a good reason. Rehearsals start on Friday. I'll see you all tomorrow."
After she had left, Kat lay down on her bed. She was the Tinkerbell to Christian's Peter Pan. How was that going to work when there was so much awkwardness between them?
"Great," muttered Abigail. "I have to be the delightful Wendy."
"I would love to be Wendy," said Tara dreamily.
"Well you can have her," said Abigail. "Seriously. I can ask Miss Raine. She's too sweet for my liking. Plus you were already learning my choreography last year."
"That would actually be amazing…"
Kat zoned out on the conversation. How was everybody back to normal? Talking about solos and class and Peter Pan? Kat just couldn't adjust to this new world without Sammy Lieberman. She didn't want to. She wondered if this was what depression felt like. How did she know if she was depressed? Kat wasn't the kind to get depressed. But although she could lie to others, she couldn't lie to herself. This continuous feeling of emptiness and heartbreak and loss was supposed to be gone by now, and it hadn't.
Kat had fallen and she couldn't get back up.
