Disclaimer: Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.
Title: Gray-colored Happiness
Chapter: 2 of 42
Chapter 2
The hall is empty with its crowds of people and stacks of machinery. A cold wind cuts through the clamoring silence and straight to my bones.. These annoying hospital clothes do nothing to keep out the chill. I wrap my arms around my waist and turn to walk away.
I don't like it out here.
I can still hear the laughter coming from room 307.
/See how happy he is without you?/
I need to get outside.
I feel like running straight through the front gates, but I won't give those bastards, the ANBU who've been following me, the satisfaction. I know they're watching. They're the only ones who do.
I wonder if they know I'm watching them.
The warm air outside is a welcome relief, heating my bones and erasing my mind. There are not as many eyes out here to judge or pry, no group of self-aggrandizing jerks to throw their expectations at me.
/You're such a disappointment./
I scoff to myself.
There's a gentle breeze rustling the grass, waving it in hypnotic rhythm. The sun has taken its place in the sky, not so bright and judgmental anymore. The grounds of the hospital are clipped clean, filled with trees and bushes and plenty of shade and I spot a group of kids in a corner laughing and playing in their sad little designated gowns. They must be from the pediatric ward.
But I'll bet none of their brothers, their idols, slaughtered their families, torturing them with memories every moment of their lives.
I clench my fists at my sides. I don't want to think about it. It's over now. My traitorous, murderous brother has been dealt his punishment as I decided: death.
So now there is nothing.
No vindication, no triumph, no home, no new path to walk down. Just a massive empty desert stretching out before me with no road signs to lead me in the right direction. I'm wandering aimlessly.
With nothing.
There's a small stone bench cradled in the eaves of a tree, abandoned and forgotten, and I go to sit in it. I disappear among the shadows, merely a darker shade of the whole.
My head lifts to face the hospital wall. There. There it is. His room that was our room.
It doesn't matter now I suppose.
/You saw how happy they made him./
I don't like the way they monopolize his time like they understand a damn thing. Because they don't.
None of them understand.
I hate them.
And for a fleeting moment, I hate him.
Something comes flying toward me and I reach up to snatch it in my hand. It's second nature by now and I'm glad that at least not all of my senses have been dulled. I spread my fingers and see a ball, small and red and shiny, almost the color of blood in the shade.
"Hey! Hey! Mister! Over here!" A high squeaky voice breaks through the air and one of the kids is frantically waving his hands, asking for the toy back. I look at him and then at the ball, lost in some unformed thought. Carefully, I toss the toy and he catches it easily, his face breaking into a grin as bright as the sun. There's a sharpness in the center of my chest. He doesn't know yet, none of them do. They don't fear or hate me.
/But soon they will./
I can see it coming.
He reminds me of Naruto.
Birds chirp merrily in the trees, their little songs filling the air. Even here, I'm an outsider. There's nowhere left to go.
And he'll be all right.
With all the people who care about him, he'll be all right.
My fingers twist painfully into a loose thread of my shirt, the tips turning blue from the loss of blood. They're bony and pale, like a dead man's, a useless pile of bone and skin. What horrible hands.
It won't take long for him to forget me.
He's always been the future and I the past.
I have no right to complain.
I hate him, I really do. He makes me this way. As much as it hurts, as much as it tears me up, sometimes I think maybe it would have been better if I had killed him.
There'd be nothing to feel then.
He spends way too much of his time in my mind and memory, distracting me from all else. He's the reason why, after all, that Itachi's dead.
But I don't want to think about it. It doesn't make me feel better.
I lean back into the bench and tilt my head up. The sunshine streams through the cracks between the leaves, tiny pinpoints of light that hit my eye every now and then. I lower my eyelids. I just want to go back to sleep, to the place that doesn't exist. With a sick, guilty, horrible feeling, a small part of me is unhappy he's awake.
Now everything will change.
/You're selfish./
I already know this.
There's a soft crunching of grass growing closer, a nonverbal announcement of her approach. It's an obvious and useless gesture, but in its way I appreciate it. Though I would have recognized her chakra anyway. I'm not so bad off that I wouldn't notice that.
The noise stops right in front of me and I can feel the nervous tension leaking off her and filling the space between us. I wonder if the kids can feel it too. Are they too young? Are they even ninja children?
Does it matter?
There are some things that even a ninja cannot fight.
Sakura settles down beside me, but there is no shift in the stone, set as it is for eternity or until another war breaks out and tests the strength of Konoha again. Sakura is twitchy and anxious, as she's been a lot lately. She doesn't know how to deal with me anymore. She tries, but she's unsure. I know that.
I don't open my eyes or really acknowledge her presence in any way, but she knows I've sensed her. She burns a hole in the side of my head with her stare, but I've no driving force to speak with her. There's a light pressure on my leg. With a huge sigh, I look down at her hand resting on my knee. I stare at it.
It's awkward.
I should pull away, but I don't.
I'm so tired . . .
Her big green eyes search and question and I just wish she'd stop. There are no answers.
"Sasuke," she says, leaving off the affectation we've long grown past. "Look at me."
She lets out a breath of air filled with irritation. Then her hand comes up to take my chin and I turn to face her, because it doesn't matter either way. I shift my eyes away, but I can still see her in the widened vision of my eyes. Her lips are a tight, thin line.
"You really are too stubborn." She pinches the skin at my jaw and hurts just a little. "You should be up there."
I look away. The problem is I don't belong there, in all that happiness. I 'm not a happy person.
She can't seem to understand that.
"Don't ignore me!" Sakura shakes her head, her short pink hair bouncing in the breeze. "After everything that's happened lately and now you're just going to walk away?"
There's nothing to walk away from.
"Don't you remember yesterday and how I risked my career and my life just to get you to him? And now he's awake and you're here? You are so frustrating!" She sighs wearily. "I just don't get you."
I smirk to myself and finally look at her. Her face is all screwed up into deep concentration. How can she possibly understand, when she belongs here? So I rise, slowly easing myself from the bench and her hand slides off my knee, which surprisingly enough I'd forgotten about. Standing makes me even more tired. Looking around the lawn, I see the kids have already gone. Funny that I didn't notice. My hand rises to my neck without my thinking it. The mark has faded but it's still there. I can feel the small throb, the constant pulse it has and it hurts a bit. I know I'll always carry it with me.
After what happened, even in death Orochimaru will always be with me.
And I can't even hide it.
"It's because he's awake, isn't it?" Sakura's voice startles me from my thoughts and I quickly drop my hand. It's the rest that really shakes them. I'm showing too much of him.
But Sakura's statement makes me lightheaded, dizzy and ready to fall. "That's it, isn't it? When he was asleep, it was OK to show him, but now that he's awake you can't?"
That's close. Not exactly right, a little simplistic, but close.
My heartbeat quickens, the tightness around my chest so strong I think it might squeeze the life right out of me. I can't let this happen. They're not supposed to see me; they're not supposed to know. Sometimes Sakura is too perceptive for her own good. I push her away.
I don't want anyone's help.
I don't need anyone.
I don't.
We're standing there alone in the yard, the warm spring air separating us, eerily quiet but for the chirping of the birds and the gentle wind that passes right through me. "It's like you're ashamed to show us that you're human." She says. "You know, he already misses you. He asked where you were as soon as you disappeared. And Naruto's really the only one that matters, isn't he?" She takes hold of my arm again and I can hear the small broken twist to her voice. "It's always been Naruto."
It has and it hasn't.
I should be there. I want to be there. But something inside stops me, some cold, harsh sharpness that reminds me who I am.
Sakura shakes me a bit, waking me up or getting my attention, I'm not sure which. Without looking, I can see her smile, soft and sad and placating. "Your chair's still empty. So let's go back upstairs."
I squeeze my eyes shut.
/Didn't you see? He doesn't need you./
Shut up.
Just shut up.
Everything goes still and quiet for a moment. Sakura raises her hand and gently brushes a loose strand of hair from my face. "He needs you. Not them, not me. You. Don't you get that?"
I look at her blankly and see in her green eyes the same thing I see everywhere. I'm sick of it.
But she's right, too. I muster my strength and turn to go back inside, a little unsteady on my feet. Sakura sidles up beside me, lending her quiet support, but not making contact.
It's been only a short time, less than an hour that I've been out here and with frightening clarity I realize that there is already an emptiness. I never needed anyone before.
I didn't.
But now . . .
Sakura takes each step slowly, her glances turning to me at sporadic intervals, checking to make sure I'm still all right. I'm not made of glass, I swear I'm not, and all this fussing is just getting on my nerves. I scowl a warning at her and she stops. Then we arrive at the room and I can sense another presence inside. Iruka.
I prop myself against the wall beside the door like a piece of luggage. Sakura regards me quizzically.
"It's alright." I say. "I can wait." That's right. I can wait. It's better to put off the inevitable.
Sakura quirks an eyebrow at me, that puzzled look once again dancing in her eyes. I know. I'm not myself. It's confusing.
She rubs her hand on my arm comfortingly before backing away to lean on the opposite wall. I wish she'd just leave. But she doesn't. No, instead she crosses her arms, crosses her ankles and stares, a little wrinkle to her forehead, trying to figure something out. Several nurses and a patient in a wheelchair pass by between us, but I barely notice. They are like white noise, barely perceptible in their white uniforms in the vast expanse of white hallway.
Then there is the click-click-clack of feet as another nurse approaches, this one stopping at Naruto's door and without knocking pushes inside. He looks good, or at least not any worse. I can't say the same for Iruka, but that's not my problem.
I let my body relax, soothed somewhat just by seeing him.
The nurse busies herself about the room, writing things down and checking Naruto's statistics like ticking items off on a grocery list. She puts her fingers to his wrist and looks at her watch, completely ignoring the fact that he is an actual person. He turns up to her and smiles again, the sunlight glinting off his light hair.
He looks better.
Then he turns back to Iruka, skimming right over where I'm standing so I lean out of his line of vision.
It's stupid, it really is. Everything about me seems wrong, awkward, like my brain is signaling me to turn left and I blink instead. I wonder if it's part of the aftereffects, if some of myself was pulled out along with all the rest.
Besides, Naruto's a ninja, and even in his weakened state he probably already knew I was here.
This is just stupid.
I chance a peek around the door again and see him lean into Iruka, this tiny smile on his face and he whispers something I don't quite make out. Iruka turns his head halfway in my direction and again, like some idiot, I hide. I pound the back of my head against the wall, looking up to the garish florescence of the ceiling and it glares back.
The nurse comes back out, softly closes the door behind her and adds one last thing to her clipboard before clicking her pen shut and tucking it into her pocket.
With a sigh, she looks up and I think I might have been mumbling out loud because she gives me the funniest look, clucks her tongue motherly and walks off.
My face screws up, irritated.
Sakura lets out a little giggle.
Now I'm more irritated.
She's been standing there staring at me with her hands over her mouth in a vain attempt to hide her laughter. I scowl at her and she lets her hands fall, raising her eyebrows and giving me an infuriating little smile that's more like a smirk.
I frown. I sneer at her and then decide I don't care, instead inclining my head towards the door and perking my ears, trying to catch some of the conversation. I don't care if I shouldn't. I don't care if it's immature. I want to know what's going on. Sakura stifles another laugh, but I can hear it clearly even with all the tapping of shoes and P.A. announcements. Fine. She can think whatever she likes. It doesn't matter to me.
I'm busy.
" . . . was here everyday." Iruka says.
"Really?" Naruto's voice is oddly soft and I have to struggle to hear it.
"Yes, Naruto!" Iruka lets out a hearty laugh. "I had to sneak back in when he was sleeping . You know, Sasuke can be a little, uh, intimidating, even for me." I smirk at that. "But you know . . . " I put my hand to the doorframe and lean in to hear better. "That's not the only reason I came here when he was asleep. How should I put this? It was more like when he was awake, watching over you, I felt like an intruder." I never said that. I let him stay, didn't I? I even . . .appreciated it. No one ever understands anything! My hand clenches the doorframe. "Though even when you both were asleep, it still seemed that way."
"So Sasuke was here every day . . ." There's an unspoken question mark at the end of it.
"Well." Iruka is louder and clearer, much easier to understand. "He did say something about 'returning a favor'."
"Oh. Yeah. I guess that's right." Naruto's voice is even lower and a little mumbled and almost disappointed.
I stop listening.
Then Sakura pushes off the wall and crosses to the hallway, stopping only when she's practically on top of me. Apparently she's never heard of personal space. Tilting her head, she puts on a smile that looks like she knows something and finds it both funny and sad at the same time.
"It meant a lot to him," she starts awkwardly, "that you were there."
I keep my expression impassive, not allowing any flicker of emotion to show through.
"He looked like a cornered rabbit after you left him there, with everyone bombarding him with questions. He kept looking to the door. He was nervous and worried and you should have been there. Especially after . . ." she pauses now as if for dramatic effect, pouting just slightly.
My heart is pounding against my ribcage, but I don't let anything betray my stoic mask.
Sakura sighs again. "Especially after everything you did to stay with him."
I don't think that's what she was going to say.
Sakura puts her hands to her hips and leans back on her heel, assessing me up and down. I don't twitch a muscle. She shakes her head. "You are such an idiot. And a coward."
My nails dig painful and sharp into my palms. She knows nothing.
What difference does it make? I'm not explaining myself.
With a glare and a huff, Sakura reaches out and grabs me by an arm and I immediately try to wrench free.
"What do you want?" I snap. "Let go."
But she just scowls before lifting her head and turning away haughtily. She knocks on the door but there's no answer. Only a moment passes, but before she can knock again, the door swings wide and Iruka appears, looking awfully nervous, smile and all. The next thing I know, we three are standing stupidly in the hall, silent in the exchange of meaningful glances.
This is ridiculous.
I yank my arm free and glower at Sakura, who stares dumbly for a brief moment before once more smiling that infuriatingly enigmatic smile.
"Well," my former teacher pipes up suddenly. The grin on his face looks a little forced. He turns to Sakura and then to me. "I guess it's time you went back in. Naruto's waiting."
I blink at him, feeling a rush of heat fly up my neck and with an effort push it back down. There's no need for that.
"I have to get back to school. The new batch of students will be taking their exams soon and they're just as troublesome as you guys were. I think it's best that we try to get everything back to normal as quickly as possible." It's a subtle, cruel reminder that things are anything but normal, intentional or not. Iruka turns and gives a last nod to Naruto, saying something, but I don't listen.
The man politely pushes his way between Sakura and I and heads down the hall.
Sakura pauses. Then without warning she lunges forward and gives me a quick hug. I want to push her off, but it happens so fast that I don't get the chance. I think she's grabbing the last opportunity for it. Now that Naruto's awake, everything will be different.
For all of us.
In the next instant, she spins around and runs down the hall, soon out of sight.
I'm now in the hall alone.
The door has been propped open and I can feel the weight of the gaze coming from inside. I remain in the hallway, half-dazed.
A couple of nurses walk by, chatting to each other, both carrying clipboards at their sides. A small family follows, mother and two boys, the little one determinedly carrying a huge basket of flowers he can barely see over. As they pass, I hear the mother tell them that their father is recuperating so they can't stay for long. The little one whines a bit and the older boy smiles softly.
Must be one of the casualties.
My gaze locks on them as they pass and the woman, who had just been smiling happily catches my look and instantly changes, a frown marring her delicate features. She narrows her eyes for the briefest of moments and putting a hand to each boy's back, hurries them away. I can't help but watch, like the way you're drawn to a train wreck and can't look away.
Only I know I'm on the other side looking out.
I'm the oddity whom everyone will be watching. The traitor, the monster, the huge disappointment.
I'm the train wreck.
I have no idea where to go from here, how to pick up the wheels and glass and iron of my former self and put it back together. Because no matter how carefully you glue the pieces, they never fit quite right again.
I can't find the energy to think about that now.
I can feel Naruto's eyes intent on me.
It was easier when he was asleep. I didn't have to face those eyes.
But it's time; I know that. So I swallow hard, take a deep breath, clench my jaw and raise my head.
Slowly, my eyes open, bracing myself.
But all I see is Naruto looking right at me, the light dancing in his big blue eyes and a big fox grin on his face. He's still in his bed, the covers pulled up over his lap, and his hands nestled gently within the sheets. He doesn't look angry or disappointed or anything I could have expected.
How long has he been watching me like that?
Perhaps from before I even knew.
His mouth drops open to say something, but no sound comes out. His expression shifts then he closes his mouth, smiles very softly and turns to look out the window to the sunlight streaming in. It's afternoon now and a little storm of dust can be seen floating in the ray of light hitting the cold tile floor. It swirls and dances in the static air, daring something, anything, to make it touch ground. Naruto clutches the sheets in his hands.
I won't leave him this time, not until I have to.
And once I've made up my mind, there's no defying it.
He will be my path for however short that may be.
Then he turns back around, his smile bigger and more sincere, but still gentle in its way.
This time when he opens his mouth, he does speak.
"I'm home."
I almost fall over. All this time and that's what he decides to say?
"Tch!" I walk into the room and close the door behind me. What an idiot. I look toward the other bed, the perfectly made, untouched one that was mine. I've only been up for a couple hours, but I feel as tired as if I've just been on a ten-day mission with no sleep or food. But in a manner of speaking, maybe I have. It hits me like a ton of bricks.
"That's what I'm supposed to say, dobe." I state the jibe only half-heartedly.
I can't change who I am.
Heading to the bed, I kick off my shoes and let them roll into a corner. I sit down on the edge, my mind already half asleep. But then I hear it, a whisper in the air that hits straight to my heart.
"Is it?"
I stop in the middle of what I was doing; my hand holding the sheet, ready to pull it back. I don't look at him. I can't. I don't belong anywhere anymore, if I ever did. It's just a waiting game now, to see what I should do.
He'll be the one to decide and he doesn't even know it.
I hear rustling behind me followed by the quiet creak of the mattress. The sun is still shining, but Naruto has apparently chosen to go back to sleep as well, a strange thing for him to do seeing as he slept ten days already. It seems more like he should be wide awake for the next ten to make up for it. But I guess life doesn't often work the way we think it should.
The sheets on my bed are stretched taut, perfect and clean after having never been used. I pull the sheets far enough back so I can get comfortable, wrapping them tight around me. The bed is small, with a collection of fluffy blankets, plenty enough for one, but it feels big, cold, and empty. Something is missing.
I know what is.
But that doesn't mean I accept it.
The window on my side is darker; facing west and the sun hasn't yet reached it. The city looks clean and secure and normal with people hurrying about as if nothing has ever been wrong. Like the view from the other side is a trick of light and shadow and nothing more.
I curl the sheets around me even more, but it does nothing to keep out the chill. I shouldn't have opened that window.
I hear nothing from the other side of the room.
Part of me worries, but things are different now. I clench a corner of the blanket between my fingers.
The room is deathly quiet, uncomfortable, and I realize for the first time that that damned interminable beep-beep-beep is back. It sends a chill down my spine. But it's stronger now, steady, or so I choose to think.
The sound is almost soothing when I think of it like that.
I haven't yet answered him.
I take in a breath of air and exhale slowly, deliberately.
"Welcome back," I utter to no one in particular.
I hear a small creak of the bed, a soft rustle of fabric, but I don't actually think he's heard me.
He's probably asleep.
And soon I'll join him. Join him, but alone.
