Chapter 2
Alicia sat in her office trying to concentrate on the file in front of her but her mind was in turmoil. So many conflicting emotions and so many things that previously seemed clear now muddied with doubt.
She thought about Tammy and the accusations she'd thrown at her. When she and Will had embraced their "exceptional moment", it genuinely hadn't crossed her mind that she might be hurting someone. But if she was truly honest, was it because she hadn't wanted to think about it? After all Will did say that Tammy wanted to talk to him but he hadn't met up with her because of the glove. And whilst Tammy was having her say she could see Kalinda and was reminded of how she had rebuffed the tentative offer of friendship with the proffered beer.
Kalinda. What to make of Kalinda. The woman she'd once considered her friend, with whom she'd shared laughs and confidences, who'd deceived her, slept with her husband and hadn't told her, even as their friendship grew, had said nothing and when she'd found out, that hurt was almost as deep as Peter's betrayal because she'd come to trust her when she thought she had no trust left.
And when she'd requisitioned the CCTV footage of the lift to try and get leverage into what she suspected her client might have been discussing on his way down, instead had seen Kalinda convulsed in tears, it had shocked her. She had seen the timeline and knew it was immediately after their confrontation in her office but she'd hardened her heart and told herself that Kalinda deserved her share of the pain.
Back then things were black or white, right or wrong, but now the boundaries seemed blurred with shades of grey. All the certainties of her adult life had dissolved and nothing was clear any more. She'd tried to make amends, said she'd like to find a way forwards, asked Kalinda for a commitment of honesty but, at the same time, was well aware that she was being hypocritical because she was in no way prepared to give the same in return.
And then there was Will. Every waking moment and in her dreams as well, there was Will. She already felt so awful about the hurt she knew she'd inflicted when she broke off whatever it was their "thing" had been. She knew she'd avoided engaging with him when he'd wanted to talk, when he'd tentatively suggested he meet her kids, when she'd dismissed the throw away "love you" comment, not asked again about that text she'd never received. Part of her desperately wanted to embrace all she thought he might be offering, especially since she'd heard those unforgettable words "you mean everything", but part of her still couldn't let go of the other life.
She was Alicia Florrick, Mrs State's Attorney. That's why she'd got the job over Cary, that's how her kids had got back into their old school, that's how she brought clients into the firm, that's how she got a raise and that's how she punched way above her weight as a mere third year associate, albeit on partner track. Most significantly, that's why Diane mentored her. And, for all his failings as a husband Peter was a good father, he loved his kids and they loved him.
So there it was...the choice...heart or head
