Coloring the Void: Chapter 2
I guess I should have expected this. Parties in Port Charles were always so loud and noisy. I sat by myself in the darkness of Emily's big, fancy bedroom in the Quartermaine mansion that I might as well have grown up in, hiding out like the coward I knew myself to be.
My "Welcome Home" party wasn't exactly the best event to go to on the day I had just come back from rehab. And while I was in a much better state of mind and knew all that I wanted to accomplish with my life, I wasn't really too sure if I could control myself. And so I ran away and hid. Course these were my closest friends I was hiding from and I couldn't help feeling a little bad about that.
I sighed, disgusted with myself for hiding from people that I knew loved me. I've known them most of my life, have shared so many of my experiences with them and had always been comfortable in their presence. But now, everything had gotten so complicated. I was uneasy around them. I didn't fit. It felt like I'd lost them, like we didn't have anything in common anymore.
I took a deep gulp of air. Breathing helped me now and so did the dark. They calmed me now, and showed me where I fit, but they couldn't take the guilt away of purposely neglecting my friends.
I put my head down, into the belly of one of Emily's favorite old rag dolls and thought about how crazy the first few hours of my return had been. First, my awful lunch at Kelly's with Emily and now this awful party. And of course, there'd been Grams and Sarah, who didn't believe in me and ignored me no matter how hard I tried to reconnect with them.
I sighed, thinking about all the crap in my life that I had to deal with. I just didn't want to deal, not with anything at all. I took deeper breaths, putting more air into my lungs, and tried to swallow away the gross taste of fear in my mouth.
I needed to pull myself together. I was an idiot to even come in the first place. It probably wouldn't have been too hard to say no, to call the whole thing off, or have Emily come without me. But I had pretended like I was cool, like I could handle it.
My friends meant a lot to me. They understood me in a way my family never did and were always there for me even when they didn't need them to be. Course, they were annoying and immature and sometimes even a little backstabbing but tonight they had done something nice in throwing me a welcome home party.
But it was all different now. And I wasn't sure I could talk to my friends anymore the way I use to. And I really needed someone to talk to, someone who understood. I was supposed to have a sponsor. It had been strongly recommended to me. They said I would need support for a little while, that I would need someone to plan and talk things out with. But I didn't really know who to ask. I'd spent most of my life without support and figured I wouldn't ever need it. Suddenly, I felt wrong about that. Maybe I did need someone to help me. Maybe that would make things easier.
I knew from the look all my friends had given me when I first walked into the Quartermaine's that they didn't believe this would last. It was the same look Sarah and Gram's had given me when they picked me up earlier that day. I expected it. I knew that no one believed me and I could see why they didn't since, I've never given them any reason to. I was so close to taking something that Matty had offered me, just to make things less awkward, make things normal.
My eyes peered through the dark room, trying to make out the elegant objects I was used to seeing in the light. Outside, the moon was high and bright, its gleam shone through the window, illuminating the half of room where I sat and acting as my lantern. The other half of the room probably still looked the way it used to but it smelled funny to me now. I took a few more deep breaths of air, inhaling and exhaling, putting everything out of my mind. But as I did, an annoying tingle began to bother my lower eyelid, a tingle that stung with each breath. I was going to cry. I could not cry, I wouldn't. The darkness of the room took a slight blur.
I closed my eyes and pressed my tears into the small, soft belly of the old tattered rag doll. But the doll smelled just as funny as the rest of Emily's room. And suddenly, I knew what it was. My head shot up from the doll and I stared at it in horror. The doll smelled like the smoke from downstairs!
I propelled the doll into the air, away from me and across the room. It landed somewhere on the other side, eaten by the darkness. I only wanted to cry more. But what would it do?
"Elizabeth," I heard someone call from the other side of the door. I jerked. I sighed, then got up quickly to open the door for him. As I started to reach for the knob, he opened it himself and appeared before me just as I remembered him; a very tall, very skinny, very dangerous, Lucky Spencer.
I squinted as the bright light of the hallway entered with him, altering the dark forms of the room. It was much brighter than the glow of the moon and the sun-yellow beam drew a line across the bedroom floor which reveled much more of the room than I'd recognized.
I glanced away from the newly uncovered furniture and set my eyes to his kindly. He smiled in return.
"What are you doing in here all by yourself," he asked, entering the room and shutting the door behind him also shutting out the light from the hall and returning the room back to its darkness.
"I was waiting for you," I lied then smiled sweetly.
He laughed. "Really?" He moved, closing the distance between us. "It smells in here," he said playfully then wrinkled his nose. He wrapped his arms around my waist, commanding me to touch him somewhere. I obliged by joining my arms around his neck.
"It does," I agreed and looked up into his shadowed eyes.
"You don't smell bad," he chuckled and bent to smell the swirl of floral scent against my neck. I awkwardly arched, letting him.
"Mmm," he almost groaned. "You always smell like soap."
"Well, thanks. I shower."
"Glad some things never change," he murmured and swayed with me in his arms. "Unless they taught you that in rehab," he laughed, pressing a kiss against the skin underneath my ear. "If they did, I'm glad. I always hear it's where they really teach you things."
I frowned and pushed away from him, putting space between us. He was making fun of me. But I knew he would. It was never like Lucky to be for my cause and of course I would still have to break things off with him, even if he'd been supportive.
He watched me with confusion and kept still, his arms hanging in the air, posed as if I were still enveloped in them. His eyes quickly turned bleak, then agitated and his hands dropped to his side as he heaved
"What?" he snapped.
"Lucky…" I tried my best to sound calm, not to make him angry. I pulled myself up and stared him in the eye, gathering all my courage. "You were just making fun of me."
His jaw twitched and his eyes burned angrily. "When?"
"Just now. When you said-," I muttered, not finishing. I shifted uncomfortably as the room grew small.
"Well yeah, it was a joke," he snapped. He took a foot step towards me but I stepped away which plucked more at his anger. "Come on, Liz!"
But I only looked down at the dark floating above my feet, then dodged him again when he reached out for me.
"Lucky," I sighed then said seriously, "I'm serious about this. I know you don't understand that, but I am." My eyes failed to meet his, only looking at the floor. Which meant, I was still as much of a coward as I was before. Which must have pleased him greatly. "I'm making huge changes to my life now," I spoke again, but again to the floor and not to the tall, reckless boy in front of me.
"Really?"
"Yes. Really." I said and looked up and into his eyes. My heart faltered. I worried about what he would do next! But I'd have to actually finish before I could worry about that. I inhaled deeply, dipping again into my courage, refilling myself with determination.
"It's not gonna last." He said before I could say anything.
"Uh– Y-Yes, It will." I frowned. "Lucky," I said, grabbing his hand. His eyes burned into mine. It took me all I had not to run. He stared at me, making me grow more nervous under his gaze. A smirk stretched across his face, enjoyed punishing me, mentally beating me into place. He waited, knowing I wouldn't say what he knew I wanted to say.
I looked away abruptly and he smiled, inching closer to take my face in his hands.
"In order for this to last," I said. He halted. I paused, waiting for the words to come out of my mouth. "In order for me to stay this way, I can't be with you."
"Bullshit," he muttered. But I didn't lighten my intensity. I didn't take any of it back.
His eyes grew wider and wider by the moment, the anger in them becoming more present by the second. I wanted to flinch and pull away. I felt water involuntarily falling from my eyes as I blinked. His hands peeled off me and he stepped back. But I didn't look away, I knew what was coming, I couldn't look away.
"You LIAR!" He stepped forward then bent slightly so we were face to face. "You BITCH!"
"Lucky," I sputtered a plea then wondered if it would be better to get away or defend myself or even cry!
"Say you don't mean it," he shouted. He was so close, so angry. I took a step back but crashed into something tall and hard.
"No," I shouted. "When have you ever been good for me, Lucky? When have we ever been good together?"
He didn't answer, only silenced me with a hard strike across my face. I gasped and my vision fuzzed. I heard nothing, nothing but my own shaky breathing and the burning on my cheek.
"You think you're better than me," he asked. "Is that it? Well, fuck you Liz… Fuck you."
He sighed, putting his hands on his hips and groaned, pacing back and forth. I stayed where I was, fighting tears and ignoring the pulsing pain that radiated from my cheek.
He stopped pacing in front of me. "I'm sorry," he apologized.
"You always say you're sorry," I whispered through tears. "I've always said it's not enough."
He was still for a moment but moved away from me slowly. He slumped down onto Emily's bed.
"We've been together since your freshman year, Liz. I can't imagine us not being together. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but you were always supposed to be in it, no matter what. What can I do? What can I do to change this?"
"Nothing," I said. We stayed there, in the dark in Emily's room, for what seemed like a lifetime. It was over for us. It was the end. It needed all the time to seep in.
"Have you ever wished you could fly," I heard Emily ask someone as I started up the steps to the roof. I took a deep breath, moving quickly up the steps and lightly.
After my encounter with Lucky, I knew it was about time I left. I had decided to stop trying to make adjustments and just admit I couldn't handle this party at all. I still wanted see Emily but I had decided that I didn't really need to hang out with all our old friends.
"No," I heard what sounded like Matty's voice say to her. "Never. Why?"
I peeked my head through the threshold and saw that it was only the two of them sitting on the roof. I immediately blushed.
For me, after Emily, Matt was the only other person that I held dear in our little group. He was my best friend, we had always been able to talk for hours. And while, he was one of the first people to offer me something downstairs when I had first walked in, I saw in his eyes as he held it out to me, how badly he didn't want me to take it.
Matt was also mutually Emily's best friend. We both confided in him, both asked for his advice, and spent a lot of time alone with him. While Lucky never really minded our relationship, Nikolas, Emily's boyfriend, minded very much. And though he didn't know it, he had all the reason in the world to.
Emily sighed. "You don't think it would be cool at all to fly?"
"Nope," Matt replied nonchalantly.
I stayed by the threshold, not yet announcing my arrival and debating whether or not to turn around and go right back downstairs. Matt was laying on the higher slope of the mansion's roof, relaxed, his eyes closed, and quite far from Emily who stood by the edge of the roof, peering over and looking down.
"You don't want to fly with airplanes? Be like superman?"
I wasn't sure if their conversation would remain innocent. I wasn't sure if I'd accidently hear something I wasn't supposed to.
Matt scoffed at Emily's statement and propped himself up on his elbows.
"Don't you," she asked again.
But Matt ignored her. "Come here," he ordered huskily, making Emily laugh. I felt my whole face grow red. I'd always suspected Matt's interest in Emily, but I'd never witnessed it outright. Emily didn't move, causing Matt to sigh heavily "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she murmured so silently I could hardly believe it was English. I felt like turning around and running down the steps. This was eavesdropping, this was wrong. But maybe this was the only way I'd be able to understand Emily, to know who she was now.
"Is it about Nik," Matt asked.
"No."
"Your parents?"
"No"
"Lizzie?"
I slammed my eyes shut, pressing them hard together. Of course, this was about me.
She gasped loudly and swung around, starting towards Matt. "Oh my gosh," she cried. "Did you see how much she's changed? How weird she's acting!"
"She went to rehab," he said slowly, I could tell he was defending me. "I thought that's what's supposed to happen."
Emily gave him a disapproving glare. "It's fuckin weird."
"No it's not," he sighed and sat up. "She probably went in there, thinking that nothing would change, that after a month there, she'd come out exactly the same and come back to doing the same old stuff."
"Well that's what I thought," Emily grumbled.
"But this is rehab! If you don't change there, they kill you," Matt laughed, flashing a huge loopy grin. Emily took a long deep breath. "This might be weird for her too, Em. Just because she doesn't do everything that you do anymore, doesn't mean she's changed. You guys can still be friends, right?
Emily sighed and climbed up the slope, taking a seat next to him. "Maybe not."
"She didn't take anything this afternoon." I smiled at that. "Maybe she's serious"
"Yeah," Emily started then paused, giving a solemn nod. "But it feels like I lost her."
"Well, she's here somewhere so go find her," Matt chirped. She glared at him again. "I thought you guys were friends since kindergarten. You liked her then didn't you? Why can't you like her now?"
Emily's shoulders sagged. "Cause she's going to preach all fucking time, Matty. You know she is! She's gonna be all, gosh Em, you really shouldn't do that. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Who wants to deal with that shit all the time?"
Matt and Emily sat in silence as I still waited in the threshold. Emily was obviously unsatisfied with who I was yet I still wanted to speak up in that moment; I wanted to join them, tell her that I wouldn't judge! But then here she was, judging me.
"I have a gift for you," Matt said finally.
"Is it the Taj Mahal?"
No," he laughed and pulled a baggie from his pocket. "But you can call them that if you want."
She grinned widely, sticking her tongue out. He rustled with the bag and pulled a small white cube out and placed it into her mouth, then placed one into his own.
Emily smiled. "Well thank you for the gift."
"You can thank me," he murmured pointedly, "with that kiss we were talking about earlier."
She laughed, huskily and scooted closer to him. "That's not how I thank my Dad when he gives me gifts."
He chuckled then pulled her on top of him, her legs straddling his. She didn't say a word and didn't seem to mind. I took one long shaky deep breath, digesting. I looked back down the dark stairwell and slowly and quietly began my descent.
It was careless of Matt and Emily to be fooling around on the roof. We all used to sit up there after school. I wasn't sure if Nikolas knew about it, but I didn't give it much thought. I carefully opened the door at the bottom of the stairs, slipping through it and was once again back in the festivities.
I closed the door, carefully stepping over the girl who lay unconscious in front of it, and started down the hallway.
The pain from my cheek was still pounding, I already knew it would bruise. I'd heal eventually though.
The party was massive! I should have felt honored seeing as there was rarely an available time to throw a party at the Quartermaine's. Emily had so many family members who were in and out, it was so rare that she'd be home alone.
I stepped outside, onto the porch. The air was so crisp out there and giddily I filled my lungs with it. The sky was cloudless, stars filled every inch of the black space, casting an artistic glow over the mansion.
Suddenly, I wished I was still painting, which struck me dumb with surprise since I hadn't painted in years. I didn't even own that many supplies anymore! I used to paint mostly back in middle school. I had liked to use colors; in my visions, everything had to be vivid and bold. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to go back home, pull out a canvas, and smear something onto it.
A scream suddenly pierced through my thoughts, startling me. It came out of nowhere, loud and fierce, like a splatter of red on a brand new canvas. My head almost came off as I whipped around and caught a shocking sight, a body falling from the roof. It looked about three or four floors up yet the fall was so quick I would have missed it had I not turned.
That scream, that scream couldn't have been missed though. The music inside of the party shut off, voices rose, everything started buzzing.
I hadn't blinked. I couldn't close my eyes.
Matt was the run out. "What the hell was that," he asked as he came out of the front door. I couldn't look at him, my eyes weren't allowed to move from that one spot. He must have followed my gaze. "Liz?"
He took a slow step forward. "Liz," he spoke again.
Hadn't I just left him? Hadn't he just been on the roof?
"They," my words said, my brain not even registered me saying them. "fell….from the….roof."
"What," Nikolas asked then as he stepped outside of the door. Matt ignored him, keeping his attention on me.
"Liz, what did you just say," Matt prodded me.
"Liz, did you hear that scream," Nikolas asked, stupidly.
"Someone fell," I said again, this time louder. "Off the roof."
"Where," he asked, his eyes widened and he looked to Nick. I said nothing more. I couldn't tell them what I saw. It was such a scene. A body falling so daintily and gracefully off of a roof, floating almost like a piece of paper but dropping as fast as a single rain drop.
"Where Liz," Nikolas shouted at me. "Say something!"
"Stop yelling at her," Matt scolded and moved to stand beside me. "She's obviously in shock." He put a comforting arm around me.
"It happened over there," I whispered but didn't point. Matt's arm left me and both he and Nikolas followed my gaze. They looked to each other then simultaneously started walking quickly to the area. The disappeared right into the bushes, leaving the night silent again, picture perfect as if nothing had just happened.
I waited a beat before following them and finally decided to spring into action. I ran off the porch, my run was weak and clumsy and I was terrified of what I might discover. My breath was shaky, my eyes might as well have been gone. Who could have fallen?
I imagined so many faces I had seen from the party. I imagined Lucky diving from the sky, my stomach so knotted with fear. I kept running to the place I'd seen the body fall, my knees weak, I felt I was growing slower as I got closer. I struggled and pushed myself to make it.
I moved through the Quartermaine garden, dodging leaves and bushes, getting closer and closer to the place. Would the person still be alive? My heart beat increased, every second becoming more and more personal.
I stopped suddenly, seeing something. A body or an outline of one. It was laying in the grass, in a bed of tulips, not moving. Consciously, I made the decision to take a step closer, then pushed myself to make another decision and take another step.
I swear my heart stopped beating. Two steps, and I saw it. It was a girl, with long brown hair. Another step, I now saw the girl was wearing white jeans and a light pink jean jacket. Emily had been wearing the same outfit that day. Another step and my eyes widened with realization and anguish. I couldn't bring myself to move again, until the body moaned and my limbs sprang forward involuntarily.
I collapsed in the flowers beside the girl. It couldn't be, I thought as I turned her over but it was. And my mind buckled, I lost all sense.
Emily's blood was everywhere, on my pants, on the front of her own white jeans, soaking the grass. She had a lot of cuts and scrapes but her legs looked more seriously broken than anything, She looked limp and fragile.
I lifted my hand slowly to Emily's cold neck and fingered for a pulse, snapping my hand back when I found a faint one. I looked away from Emily's neck to her eyes and almost screamed, they were open, they sweet, brown and innocent eyes I had known for years.
"Em," I gasped and begun to cry, my heart breaking. Emily only smiled then closed her eyes as the stars whirled and the wind rustled and the darkness covered us.
