Title: Bless the Broken Road

Author: lyricalpeach

Summary: Ray's conversation and situation with Katey started my brain turning. After that, it churned on its own, in and out of the gutter. Spoilers for S13, Heart of the Matter and Jigsaw, future speculation. No ER action.

Rating: FRM. (you can read pretty far down without hitting it though)

Disclaimer: Without Prejudice. All the ER characters are property of NBC. No infringements of these copyrights are intended, and are used here without permission. Please don't sue me. The other words are my own. Please don't steal.

Notation: Ray's thoughts 'Neela's thoughts' Abby's thoughts Katey's thoughts (I'm not going to put Gates' thoughts in here.)

Chapter 2

"So, Neela, how was your date last night?" Abby had a curious smile on her face.

Blushing, Neela didn't answer. Abby gave her a look that said "Uh HUH. Okayyy." At least she's working off sexual tension. Ray is, too, sooo… Guess it's expected that they'd become super-horny waiting for each other to come around.

"Have you seen Ray around?" Abby asked.

"He was here earlier…" 'talking with Katey' "…not sure where he is now. Why? Something wrong?" Neela looked concerned.

"Oh, it's no big deal," Abby said, "a former trauma patient came to say thank you and give him something," noting the worried look on Neela's face. She had a smug thought to herself, ahh, so she DOES worry about Ray.

Neela looked relieved and smiled at the thought of how many patients Ray had saved, and how good he was at it, and how much he cared about them… and then remembered how far he'd come from the cavalier Dispo Doc he'd been, charming and pouting his way through work… and how much she'd played a role in changing him. She knew the value of the history they had together… if not for him, she'd never have been able to get comfortable with herself – even now, she struggled against her heart. And, that was where he was.

Abby stood there looking at how lost in thought Neela was, and began wondering if she'd been right to let Neela go after Gates to save Ray for the future… and then realized that Neela must be thinking about Ray, and just waited for her to float back down to Earth.

Somebody bumped into Neela, knocking her out of her trance. "Watch where you're going!" Abby called out. Neela looked up at Abby, who was now watching her with a raised eyebrow. "You've been standing there like a totem pole, with all these looks coming over your face.." 'Oh crap! What was I doing??'

"Anyway," Abby continued, "I know what you were thinking about."

"You do?" Neela was dumbfounded. 'Could she really tell? Am I that obvious?'

"Sure," Abby smiled smugly. "And it isn't the reason you were blushing earlier."

Neela said nothing, but gave Abby a look of disbelief. Abby dragged her back to the lounge, into a quiet corner. "Why don't we sit?" she said. Neela just nodded.

"Neela, did you know about the rumor that you and Ray were sleeping together?"

Neela was astonished, "No! we weren't, it was never like that!"

"I know that, sweetie, but the reason the rumor went around was because people can see the chemistry between you two. Both of you know it's there, but when Ray was ready, you weren't available, and since Michael died, you've been on an emotional roller coaster of guilt." Abby spoke softly. "I pointed you toward Gates because you had a lot of built up physical tension and he liked you. You needed to have some normalcy in your life, and this was a way to get your body in check, so you could focus on your emotions."

Neela sat there dumbfounded.

"You've had a lot of time away from Ray, with the only interference being your own demons. But he's a man, not your saint. He can't wait forever." Abby gently prodded Neela again. "You need to talk to him. You need to pull him aside, the way he's always done for you, and really talk to him."

Neela remained speechless for a moment.. and then said quietly, "What if he can't forgive me?"

Abby put her hands on Neela's. "I don't know, sweetie, but at least then he'll know where you stand, and where he stands with you. He needs that from you."

"Have you talked to him?" Neela asked, ".. about this?"

Abby looked at Neela attentively. "Yes. But he's feeling impatient, and he's dating Katey right now. I know you've been dealing with a lot of things, but he has, too. Let him know you're on your way back." 'to him…' Neela finished in her mind. Abby continued, "Don't rush, but don't wait too long, okay? I want this to work out for you both." She left Neela sitting there, to contemplate her next move.

000

More mail? I'm starting to feel like a mailman. Up until now Ray was happy to deliver Neela's misdirected mail – just to check in on her. But since she apparently didn't need him checking in on her anymore, it was becoming a pain. That morning, instead of tucking the pile into his bag, he just left it on the table and went out the door. On the El, he'd obsessed over the little annoyance her mail was causing and debated whether he should even tell her about the increasing pile of envelopes and junk flyers that had accumulated.

000

A full day of work nearly done, Ray headed to the admit desk when Neela was hunched over. Feeling irritated, he avoided mulling over her beautiful face. She looked worn out. Ignoring his sensitive side, he thought.. Her shift's over, I should just make her come and get it on her own. "Hey Neela, I've got some more mail for you." I know just what she's going to say next.

Neela wasn't looking when he appeared. She felt a little pang as she remembered he'd been bringing her mail every week. "Thanks, Ray." Looking up, she became confused, since he wasn't carrying any. "Where is it?" She peered 'round. "Did you leave it somewhere for me?"

"It's at home." Ray looked at her with some intensity and tried not to raise an eyebrow to taunt her. Now what, Neela?

Neela looked a little bewildered. "Oh, um, I suppose I'll come to get it later, then." She looked thoughtful for a moment. Ray noticed, but didn't want her assuming she could come anytime, either.

"I'm actually busy tonight." Maybe I should break my date with Katey – she actually looks interested in coming over to get mail… Great, now I'm considering breaking a date so I can be a sitting duck for when Neela comes to get mail?

"Neela?" Ray said hesitantly, when she was quiet for too long. What's going on in her head? She's just standing there…

Neela was a bit startled. "Oh, um, alright, well. Let me know when it's convenient for you, then." She looked at the floor. "I've got to run." So what's new? At least this time I gave her a reason to… Ray watched her walk away.

Neela felt unexpectedly like she used to when Ray had a sleepover – jealous about him being busy, probably on a date with Katey. Since her talk with Abby, she'd become aware of her feelings for Ray finally surfacing above this quicksand she'd devised as her method of dealing with everything since she'd pushed him away.. and at the same time, she recognized that when she was living with Ray, her method of dealing with things was to lean on him… and that prior to that, she internalized everything and pushed it down under her work. 'So when has life been better, Neela? With Ray, or drowning alone?' She thought again.. 'I haven't treated Ray fairly… I've hurt him by shoving aside my feelings and letting him hurt all this time.' 'But it wouldn't be fair either to not tell him that I didn't mean to do it. I was just so ashamed that I couldn't…' 'He's got a right to try to move on.' 'Abby was right, this is my fault, I've got to fix this somehow.'

'I hate that I still can't look at Ray the way I want to. When am I going to feel better?' Neela headed to the lounge to get her things, but stopped off at the bathroom and hid in a stall. She drained herself of tears silently as she remembered her conversation with Abby. Intimate warmth, comfort and passionate heat drew her desperately to Ray. He was so caring.. and now that she'd finally realized Ray wouldn't wait forever… it really was up to her. She knew she'd have to be ready if opportunity knocked, to take back her life, the man she'd never known she'd wanted. Even though she hadn't intended for it to happen, she couldn't deny it, couldn't deny herself any longer. Michael was gone, and he'd told her in the video to move on. The man who had quietly taken residence in her heart had been hurting… and it was up to her to atone for the pain she'd caused him, and hopefully he would give her a chance to make it up to him.

000