Author note: Thanks to anyone who read the first chapter of my story. Please leave a review of this chapter if you have any thoughts or would like me to write more!

Content warning: this chapter deals with anxiety and depression, and talks in-depth about eating disorders.

It took Zen a while to realize that you weren't eating. In fact, he didn't, until someone told him. You had spend over a year coyly cutting up food and texting during meals to prevent people from noticing that you had only had a bite or two before you met him, so you were nearly an expert in hiding. The constant check-ins everyone had sent you through the messenger did feel… strangely prescient, but you had answered smoothly that you had eaten every time, or wittily covered it up with flirting - "I'm hungry for Zen" was a favorite attempt. Although everyone in RFA worried about your well-being, a high functioning eating disorder was a hard problem to spot.

But the hard thing about your problems were to that you couldn't hate them. Not completely. Having an empty stomach hurt, but not as much as seeing cellulite. The perfectionism infiltrated every aspect of your life. It had gotten you a 4.0 in high school, and it had gotten a huge number of guests to the RFA party. And it was the reason why you were attracted to Zen. His rugged individualism and commitment was flawless. You wanted to be like him - un-reliant, free, and utterly devoted to your goals. Unfortunately, after starting college, you had lost sight of them. You were burning with ambition but, when placed with 100 college major options, you had no idea where to focus it, so the flames started crisping you, instead. Homework and going to class, things which once had seemed like stepping stones, now felt like going through the motions, and you didn't care to follow through. It was just too impossible to find your way. In high school, the focus had been clear - getting into a top university, but now, every choice felt like you were cutting off potential for success somewhere else. How could you know, at 18, whether you wanted to work in law or medicine? Go into politics or be a professor? Write award winning articles or do scientific research? Once your tunnel vision shifted away from career goals, it refocused somewhere else, and it was somewhere much worse: your body image. College cafeteria food had caused about 15 pounds of weight gain, and for the first time, you realized you couldn't zip up your dress. So you made a deal with yourself - for every day that you didn't accomplish something, you wouldn't eat. It would solve both problems. Soon, this became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It turns out that being hungry is fucking exhausting. Doing homework after having all of a stalk of celery to eat wasn't possible, but once you had started… you didn't know how to stop. Even after giving up on your resolution, you noticed the puffiness in your stomach when you ate more than 1600 calories.

You would be lying if you said that your relationship didn't make the problem worse. Zen was… physically perfect. He could call you beautiful a million times, but that didn't change the reality that he was a 10 and you felt like a 7 on your good days. Zen was surrounded by women who were prettier, thinner, and more successful than you, and you could never shake the fear that he would one day realize the truth: you weren't good enough for him. The Tripter and media commentary on your relationship was brutal and shared that exact sentiment. His constant reminders of exercising didn't exactly make things better - it just served as another reminder of your own inadequacies. But despite all that, you hadn't been able to be honest with him. Zen was, to say the least, sparkly. He had seen you with rose-colored lenses from the start, and you didn't want to let him see the cold and lonely truth. Unfortunately, the rest of RFA had other ideas.

Jaehee was the first one to notice. Jumin had gone on a trip and actually taken Elizabeth with him, so she snuck away from work to get lunch with you. After an hour of friendly chitchat, your greek salad sat untouched.

"MC… I wasn't going to say anything, but I'm worried about you." Your heart rate sped up.

"What do you mean? Zen and I are happy."

"I'm not talking about him."

"I'm fine," you said with a small, admittedly fake, smile. She sighed.

"I care about you, MC. You can talk to me. Most women have insecurity about their weight at some point in their lives. I have, too." Jaehee was trustworthy, but you had never talked to anyone about this, and you weren't planning on starting. Besides, you couldn't shake the feeling that you were being watched. Something about being a celebrity girlfriend bred paranoia.

"There's not much to say. I'm just fine. By the way, Zen was just cast in a new role." You made a not subtle attempt at segue. Jaehee noticed, and her face saddened, but neither of you said anymore on the matter.