Project H and the Half-Blood Prince

By Panicattack/ Project H

Part 2

*Dumbledore's Office*

Dumbledore: Welcome Harry, how are your studies going?

Harry: I don't have that much time to study, what with all the times I get called to your office

Dumbledore: Sure. What about your activities outside the classroom?

Harry: You are my activities outside the classroom

Dumbledore: I notice you spend a great deal of time with Miss Granger

Harry: I notice you spend a great deal of time with Fawkes. But no, I'm not dating Hermione if you wanted to take a run at her

Dumbledore: Thank you, but no

Harry: Not your type?

Dumbledore: Something like that. Although I should let you know that the password to the Ravenclaw tower is 'Blanket'

Harry: Oh yeah, I've been told about those girls

Dumbledore: Girls? Oh girls, yes of course. Harry, I have something to show you

Harry: A memory of the first time you met Voldemort?

Dumbledore: I've become predictable

*Orphanage*

Orphanage worker lady person: Tom hasn't had many visitors. I think it's either because he doesn't have family, or because he tortures and kills people

Dumbledore: Hello Tom

Tom: Are you a doctor?

Dumbledore: I would be if my father had his way. "No Albus, teachers don't make any money." "With your grades, you should be an Auror." "Don't you think you're spending too much time with Grindelwald?"

Tom: I can make things move without touching them. Watch, I'll make my pants rise. Hand me that magazine

Wardrobe: *Bursts into flames*

Tom: OK, you win

*Dumbledore's office*

Harry: Did you know, sir?

Dumbledore: That I'd met the most dangerous dark wizard of all time?

Harry: No. That I left that memory and started watching one I stole from Hermione late at night. That girl really loves her books

Dumbledore: I need you to collect a memory from Professor Slughorn

Harry: If it's going to be like Hermione's, I'm going to have to demand payment

Dumbledore: I'm sorry I have to ask this favour of you

Harry: Well then I have a favour to ask of you

Dumbledore: Go on...

Harry: 20 minutes alone with your pensieve and this memory of Snape attempting stand-up comedy

*Quidditch pitch*

Harry: Alright everyone, Ginny and I are going to run you through some drills

Student: Why is Ginny already on the team?

Harry: OK, you're off the team

Student:...

Student 2: Who made you captain?

Harry: Ginny

Student 2: I see...

Cormac: I'll be going for keeper as well, Weasley. No hard feelings?

Ron: No

Cormac: Although someone who does give me "hard" feelings is that Granger friend of yours. Think you can introduce us?

Ron: I don't think that'll be happening

Cormac: I wouldn't mind catching her quaffles, if you know what I'm saying

Ron: I guess...

Cormac: I'd let her beat my bludger, if you follow me

Ron: Uh...

Cormac: I'd like to fly through the three hoops down the end of her pitch, if you get what I mean

Ron: Are you finished?

Harry: Time to mount your brooms

Cormac: I'd gladly let her mount my –

Ron: Shut up!

Cormac: *Keeps*

Ron: *Keeps*

Cormac: *Keeps*

Ron: *Keeps*

Hermione: Keepus creepus

Cormac: *Doesn't keep*

Harry: Strange coincidence. Alright then, Ron's our keeper, despite showing no ability and soiling himself whenever the quaffle came near him

Ginny: I like our chances this year

*The Three Broomsticks*

Ron: Honestly Harry, you practically sleep with that book. It's like having another Hermione

Hermione: Oh that was just once, and barely anything happened

Harry: And yet they didn't let you return it to the library

Hermione: *To waiter* Three Butterbeers, thanks. With a little ginger in mine

Ron: Did Hermione just say she wants a little ginger in her?

Harry: In her butterbeer

Ron: That's not how I heard it. Oh no, Ginny's here with Dean

Harry: We'd better make them jealous. Quick Ron, let's kiss

Ron:...I can't possibly see how that would accomplish anything

Slughorn: Harry, my boy, how are you?

Harry: Slughorn's here. Quick Ron, let's kiss

Slughorn: Harry, I wondered if I might invite you to a supper party in the near future

Harry: I'd consider it an honour, sir

Slughorn: Lovely *Walks off*

Ron: What was that about?

Harry: That was me trying to improvise when you wouldn't kiss me

*Walking back to Hogwart's*

Ron: Hermione's acting strangely. I guess she can't hold her...butter

Hermione: And then he says "Potter? I hardly know her." Ahahaha!

Katie: *Screams*

Hermione: Heard that one before?

Hagrid: Everyone stand clear, and don't touch that

Harry: The necklace?

Hagrid: My lunch. If I see a single bite taken out of it there'll be trouble. Oh, and for the love of God get Hermione to stop doing that to the fence post

*McGonagall's office*

McGonagall: Why is it when something happens it is always you three?

Harry: It's also often you. And don't even get me started on Sna-

Snape: You asked for me, Professor?

Harry: We all see far too much of each other

Snape: Any idea who gave Miss Bell the necklace?

Hermione: No

Ron: No

Harry: Malfoy!

McGonagall: No

Snape: In that case we'd better...wait, what?

Harry: Malfoy did it

Snape: Do you have any evidence?

Harry: No. But we also didn't have evidence that Quirrell was looking for the stone, Ginny was opening the chamber, or that Moody was actually Barty Crouch Jr.

Everyone:...

Harry...I'll go get Malfoy *Runs off*

Snape: So are we all in agreement that Harry probably gave her the necklace?

Everyone: Agreed

*Dormitory*

Ron: What do you think he sees in her?

Harry: Well she's also the head of a house, and Snape loves a woman in power

Ron: I mean Dean and Ginny

Harry: They're not really his type

Ron: What does Dean see in Ginny? I mean, Dean's great, but I have to hate him on principle

Harry: On the principle of hating people who date your relatives?

Ron: Exactly

Harry: So you hate your dad because he dates your mum?

Ron: That's different. They're my family

Harry: So people in your family are allowed to date each other? That's your rule?

Ron:...sure. So what is it Dean sees in Ginny?

Harry: Well, she's attractive in a really-want-to-date-her-but-can't-because-she's-the-sister-of-my-best-friend kind of way

Ron: Attractive?

Harry: She has nice skin, in an I'd-like-to-run-my-fingers-over-every-inch-of-that-skin-or-in-the-case-I-was-dating-another-girl-peel-the-skin-from-Ginny's-flesh-and-drape-it-over-my-girlfriend-and-insist-she-talk-only-in-a-constant-impression-of-Ginny's-voice-and-threaten-the-rest-of-the-Weasleys-to-accept-her-into-the-family-and-act-as-if-Ginny-never-actually-existed kind of way

Ron: Hermione's got nice skin

Harry: Well now you're just being creepy

*Slughorn's supper party*

Slughorn: So Cormac, see much of your Uncle Tiberius? I hear he often goes hunting with the Minister for Magic

Cormac: He does. But you know, Hermione Granger is over there. I wouldn't mind going hunting for her Minister for Magic, if you follow my lead

Slughorn: Certainly. Ms Granger, what do your parents do?

Hermione: Tell me to keep away from guys like Cormac. Also, they're dentists. They tend to people's teeth

Cormac: I wouldn't mind tending to your teeth, if you catch my drift

Ginny: *Enters the room*

Hermione: Look at her eyes. They've been fighting again, her and Dean

Ginny: *With two black eyes* Sorry I'm late

Slughorn: Not a problem, my dear. We've still got plenty of chocolate mousse and whipped cream

Cormac: I can't wait to put my chocolate mousse in your whipped cream, if you understand where I'm going

Hermione: Can I please be excused, Professor Slughorn?

Cormac: I'm happy to let you slug my horn –

Slughorn: Party's over!

*Everyone except Harry and Slughorn leave*

Slughorn: Potter?

Harry: Sorry Professor, I was just admiring your hourglass

Slughorn: Ah yes, it runs in accordance with the quality of conversation. It actually ran backwards as Cormac told us that story of the time he attended the wet robe contest

Harry: Sir, I couldn't help but notice your shelf o' students

Slughorn: It's for anybody who's anybody. Although ironically, I'm not on it

Harry: Is Voldemort on it?

Slughorn: I'm not sure we should discuss him...

Harry: He killed my parents

Slughorn: That's not criteria for the shelf. A bit too specific. Mr Riddle was a quiet, albeit brilliant student who often tortured and murdered people, not unlike any other Slytherin boy. Not unlike yourself, in fact. I heard about Professor Quirrell

Harry: That was self-defence. And I didn't mean to. I just touched his face and he crumbled to dust

Slughorn: As yes, I've had first dates like that. The thing about Mr Riddle is if a monster existed, it was buried deep within. I call it Riddlos, and I drew a picture of it for my shelf

Harry: Someone's been bored in retirement

*Great Hall*

Ron: *Walks to seat wearing quidditch gear and helmet*

Student 1: Nice hat!

Student 2: You're a loser, Weasley!

Student 3: I like to insult you to cover for my own lack of self-confidence!

Ron: So, how was the dinner party?

Hermione: A bit boring, though I think Harry enjoyed "dessert"

Harry: I think Cormac had to serve himself "dessert" when he got back to his dormitory

Student 1: You suck, Weasley!

Student 2: You're gonna lose it for them!

Student 3: I admire your ability to participate in competitive sport in front of a crowd of your peers!

Ron: I'm quitting after this match

Harry: Suit yourself. Have some juice

Luna: Oh yes, have some "juice"

Ron: Say what now?

Luna: I saw Harry put something in your drink

Harry: Team spirit and love

Luna: I thought they injected those now

Hermione: It's liquid luck. Ron, don't drink it

Ron: Hermione, if I can't drink something that has had a mysterious substance slipped into it, then what hope do I have of being a professional athlete?

Harry: Good advice for us all

*Quidditch*

Ron: *Does well*

Everyone else: *Does not quite so well*

Ron: *Is therefore the hero*

Harry: *Presumably catches the snitch and wins the game, although apparently that's not important anymore*

*Common Room*

Crowd: Weasley! Weasley! Weasley!

Ginny: Wow, I'm not used to this kind of attention

Crowd:...Ron! Ron! Ron!

Ginny: Oh I see

Hermione: You shouldn't have done it

Harry: *Holds up unopened bottle*

Hermione: You didn't? Ron only thought you did

Harry: That's right

Hermione: So your entire plan relied on a girl who wears a giant lion's head noticing a slight movement of your hand and repeating this information to Ron?

Harry...

Hermione: This is why you shouldn't come up with plans without me

Lavender: *Kisses Ron*

Harry: I think Lavender planned that without you

Hermione: *Runs out*

*Corridor*

Birds: Tweet tweet!

Harry: Hermione?

Hermione: Just practicing a charms spell. You know that spell that does nothing other than to create several annoying little birds?

Harry: No one does it better than you

Hermione: Harry, how does it feel when you see Dean with Ginny?

Ron and Lavender: *Come in giggling*

Harry: Probably like how you feel right this second

Ron: What's with the birds?

Hermione: *Sends birds at Ron*

Ron: What the hell?

Harry: There's no need to get violent

Hermione: *Sends bear at Ron*

Ron: OH MY GOD!

Harry: Well who says women don't send clear signals

*Library*

Hermione: He's perfectly at liberty to kiss whoever he likes. I really couldn't care less

Harry: Use of a bear generally suggests otherwise. I thought maybe we could go together, as friends. You know, as someone you wouldn't attack with wildlife at the end of an evening

Hermione: Oh, I've already made other arrangements. Besides, it's you we've got to worry about. Romilda Vane has been trying to smuggle you a love potion in your morning pumpkin juice

Harry: Trying to slip something into someone's drink? Where on earth would someone get an idea like that?

Hermione: Well it would be a good idea not to invite someone who's a nutter

Harry: Excellent. I'll invite Luna

Hermione:...

TO BE CONTINUED...