Rendezvous with a Ghost - A Name
The looks were the worst.
Xander's immediately guilty expression as he silently cursed the slip of tongue. Buffy's sharp glare at their friend's sometimes spectacular foot-in-mouth syndrome, before her features quickly shifted to concerned sympathy as she glanced over to check the damage. Maybe she was hoping to find that Willow had somehow missed the entire thoughtless, throw-away remark.
Giles avoided her eye altogether, keeping well out of it. Not that she could blame him.
Awkward pause, thy name is the 'ex-boyfriend'. Also known as 'the-one-we-shall-not-mention-for-fear-Willow-will-go-crazy-magicgirl-again'. She was still amazed they had forgiven her so quickly for the havoc she had wreaked with that spell. Maybe they felt bad they had been urging her so much to move on. To forget. But it seemed not even magic could dislodge him from her heart and thoughts.
Even Anya had the rarely seen remarkable presence of mind to change the subject. Or maybe passing references to the wreckage of Willow's relationships held no interest for her, even worth a tactless comment over.
Xander sent her an apologetic look. Willow managed a light smile back, assuring him of the huge non-event it was for her. She felt Tara tense slightly beside her, soft hand reaching out to carefully clasp her own in a tight embrace, as close to a possessive reflex as the gentle witch ever got. It was a sort of unspoken rule that his memory was left in the shadows of the past, acknowledged as a sensitive point and especially one to be avoided around the new girlfriend. She squeezed back reassuringly, though she couldn't quite bring herself to meet the shy worried glance the blonde sent her way.
The conversation quickly moved on, returning to the latest plan of action for dealing with an apocalyptic, fashion-queen, Hell God and keeping her away from the youngest member of their family. With a last squeeze and smile, Willow broke away from Tara and the rest of the group to scout through the far shelves of the Magic Box. She had a vague recollection of seeing a locating spell book that she had wanted to have a closer look at.
Even after all this time, they still feared her reaction.
Searching fingers paused over the spines along the dark shelf. Concern, regret, sympathy, awkwardness – every flicker of emotion his name evoked from her friends, she let it wash over her, refusing to let her own rise in response. She wouldn't let them rule her anymore. The guilt, fear and doubt she would have to ease away once again from the mind of her loving girlfriend. Her wandering gaze strayed over to the table, to where the blonde witch was smiling as she tried to explain the principles of a magic spell Xander had found, and why it wasn't quite appropriate to the circumstances. An unbidden smile found its way to Willow's lips as she watched the beautiful girl push a golden lock behind her ear, full of limitless patience and fondness for their best friend's blundering attempts at navigating the mystical, which just came naturally for the witches. She was so talented yet completely unburdened by any arrogance in her abilitie. She had taught Willow so much.
She didn't deserve to have any doubts plague her mind about their relationship. She was more than Willow could have ever hoped for. Their love was everything. Turning to face the books again, she quickly pulled out one that looked semi-promising.
Sitting down on the top step, where she could see her friends on the floor below but have some distance, Willow began to toy with the frayed cover of the volume. The chatter drifted up from the bottom of the staircase but didn't quite manage to penetrate her thoughts.
Tara had no reason to fear mention of him. None of them did. That was all ancient history. He was gone, and he was never coming back. She'd sent him away. She'd made her choice. So why would the memory of his once-membership of the group, acknowledgment of his existence, be any risk of an adverse response on her part? Willow released a small sigh, though it didn't relax her fingers that were clenched around the small red book in her lap. Her eyes lazily followed the banter of her friends – watching as Buffy rolled her eyes and agreed to swap books with Xander, who then proceeded to stand up and consult Anya about something as she stood busy counting the day's takings at the till. A detached smile pulled at Willow's lips. Now she understood the concept, the assistant manager of the Magic shop was getting very into the profit handling, business side of human culture. Their world bustled about below her feet, her own life just awaiting her return. All the awkwardness of Xander's slip already forgotten, moved on as if it had never happened. Of course, this was how it always was. They weren't supposed to dwell in the past. And she didn't... as far as anyone else knew.
Like he had never happened.
Glancing down, Willow slowly traced the gold printed letters on the cover under her hands. It was always like that, always the same, every time. It was like he had died. His name a tremor of the volatile and deeply buried grief that had once shaken her whole world to the core. Whispered with all the fear of provoking a devastating after-shock. As if she was that fragile, Willow scoffed under her breath. A ghost no-one tried to speak of. One who had slipped away from their lives, leaving a hailstorm of shock, anger and sadness in his wake. His name mentioned in hushed tones in private, the painful memory tip-toed around in respect to the bereaved. Careless whispers accompanied by furtive looks of concern in her direction. Yet all they would find would be her carefully composed features, schooled into an expression of blank nonchalance. She made sure of that. In a humourless twist of irony, it was a habit she had most likely picked up from him. And why would they expect any different? She was long over him after all. Why would his name have any effect on her now?
Willow almost bit down on the lower lip she was worrying when she felt Buffy step up to her hiding place, interrupting her private interlude.
"Hey."
The redhead offered a distracted smile as she hurriedly pulled out of her own thoughts. Buffy sat down to join her on the steps. The Slayer rested her arms across her knees, looking down at the activity below them. The two friends sat in quiet for a moment.
"Are you okay?"
Willow kept her eyes trained on the figures on the floor, mentally probing the tone of the question. She had a feeling it would be pointless to play the fool, but she might try anyway.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"
Buffy turned her head as the girls finally faced each other, searching her friend's gaze before speaking softly. "I'm sorry about before Will. Xander's mouth doesn't check in with his brain sometimes, you know that." Her tone was light teasing as she coaxed a knowing grin in return from the witch.
"Well, that's true." Willow's gaze swept across the shop again, before falling to her hands that were folded over the still un-opened book on her knees. "But it's fine. It's not like you can't ever mention him. It's not a big deal."
She glanced up and caught the faint, unconvinced frown on Buffy's face and felt the lump gather weight in her throat. Looking away again, she tried to swallow it down. She didn't flinch at the sound of his name anymore. Her heart didn't burn and crumple at the mention of him. Her mind had stopped filling with worry at the current unknown status of his health and whereabouts. She thought she had trained herself quite well. But apparently, Buffy wasn't thrown off so easily. Annoying Slayer sixth-sense.
"Maybe," the blonde conceded after a moment of silence. "But it's still generally not good practice to bring up the one who broke your friend's heart in front of said friend, not to mention their partner." Her voice had slipped into a more personal tone of annoyance that caught Willow's curiosity. Buffy smiled, a little embarrassed. "It's just... Xander had a bad habit of talking about Angel a bit too much in front of Riley also." Willow gave a small sound of understanding and smiled in sympathy.
On the shop floor Tara stood up from the table to return a book, casting a quick glance up at the huddled talking forms of the two friends. Just then, Willow turned back and caught her gaze. Tara smiled up shyly at her girlfriend whose face brightened beautifully as the girls locked eyes across the shop. Reluctantly, the blonde broke away from the stunning smile that lit up her day, and carried on over to the shelves.
Buffy's eyes moved back to her friend's face, a small smile stretching her own lips as she soaked in the quiet love between the couple. Laying her hand over Willow's, she squeezed it gently, quietly conveying her own joy for her friend's much-deserved happiness. The girl looked round, a soft smile still lingering on her face, as she clasped Buffy's hand back in silent gratitude.
"Well, I hate to bail but I gotta pick up Dawn from school," Buffy announced finally, releasing their hold and stretching her back as she prepared to move. "I just wanted to check you were, you know. I mean, I love Xand, but it was pretty thoughtless to bring it up. In front of Tara and everything."
She watched Buffy straighten up and place a hand on the railing, managing to offer up a smile and nod in return as the Slayer descended the stairs into the group below. Her distant eyes followed the movements of her friends, trying desperately to ignore the trapped breath that twisted inside her chest in short, painful gasps.
Tara.
Willow screwed her eyes shut. This wasn't fair! Why couldn't she stamp out that last, entrenched, resistant strong-hold of hurt? The small, hidden well of missage that just couldn't be cried out.
~o~
