Breaking up is Hard to Do
I open my eyes and I am in my room in Jackson. At first I think it is all a dream when reality settles down on me. I bolt out of bed, feeling surprisingly good for all that I have been through, breathing hard.
"Easy there." I hear. It's Christian. I find his face and my body is filled with relief.
"But how…" I stammer.
"Apparently our purpose is stronger than death. Or something. I don't really know the logistics of it but it seems that once you decided to participate in our little destiny thing, the big guy decided to give me another shot"
I feel my cheeks burn. "Oh. Is that all? …So it was all real then? The whole…Heaven thing?"
"Yeah" He says casually. His eyes flash a look of determination then, like he's decided something he slowly gets up to come to my bed side. He leans down and brushes my cheek softly, his thumb slightly trembling. He's afraid that I'm going to reject him again. I bring my hands up on either side of his face and bring him down to me, his lips meeting mine. He is shocked; I can tell, by the stiffness of the kiss in the beginning, but he quickly meshes into me. This kiss is sweet. It's my way of saying I meant what I said in Heaven. But almost involuntarily Tuckers face flashes in front of my eyes. Christian pulls away quickly making a frustrated noise.
"No, it's not like that." I say. "It's just…I need to tell him."
Christian doesn't ask what I need to tell him. He already knows. His face goes from annoyed to sympathetic an instant. He comes back and sits on the bed. "I'm sorry. This is the hard part." He covers my hand with his. "A word of advice though, don't just say you're sorry over and over again. It doesn't go over very well." That's right. He's been through this before, with Kay.
I suck in a breath and push it out very slowly. "well, no time like the present I guess." And I get out of bed.
I'm sure I look a mess. I haven't even showered since everything happened. But maybe if I look like crap it will make letting me go easier for him! Here's to hoping. I close my eyes and think of his house at the Lazy Dog Ranch. I slowly open the front door and wander quietly into the TV room where Tucker is watching "the price is right" But he's more staring blankly at the screen, paying attention to nothing.
"Oh I love 'Plinko'" I say. He turns around while getting up off the couch.
"Clara thank Goodness!" He rushes over to hug me and for a moment I let him. Let his smell wash over me. The warm feel of his arms encircling me. I start to remember all of the good times we had, the good person that he is and I start to go under. I stiffen. No. You made a choice Clara. This is for the best. He notices my slight stiffness and pulls away. "is everything alright?"
"Yes…" I start. "No, actually it's not." Then I pull out the worst opening line in the history of relationships "Tucker, we need to talk." I cringe as I hear the words coming out of my mouth. Not only because they sound incredibly stupid and cliché, but because it makes what I'm doing real.
Tucker blows out a long breath and rubs the back of his neck. I can see the sheen unshed tears in his eyes. "Clara?" he says.
My eyes must give it all away. If only I could tell him in my mind like I can Christian it would make this so much easier.
His face suddenly hardens. "Don't worry Clara you don't have to say a word. I know you don't want to." He says bitterly. "What is it? 'it's not you it's me?' or how about 'You're a great person, but I've found someone else'?"
"Tucker…" I start.
"No Clara, don't. We've had this conversation enough times that I think I know pretty much how it goes." He starts laughing "You know," He laughs harshly, "we keep having this little talk, but then you keep coming back. And I keep on being the dumb guy who just keeps letting you. But you know what? I…."
"Tucker stop!" I yell. He snaps his mouth shut and looks at me. "Stop" I say quieter. "Don't be a jerk, I know you're not one. You know our situation isn't like most."
"It doesn't have to be." He says with desperation in his voice. "I'm fine with everything. Really. I'm fine with the whole angel thing. You know that. I'm fine with the flying and all the crazy stuff that comes with it. I think I'm even getting used to the glory stuff. Kind of. The thing is I don't care that you're not exactly a normal Human…"
"Well maybe I care!" I say a little too loudly. Tucker stops. "Maybe I care that because of my 'whole angel thing' you have been nearly killed twice, well three times if you count how I accidentally stabbed you with a giant glowing sword. Or maybe I care that you will never have a normal life with me. Ever,"
"Clara, it doesn't ma…"
"Let me just get this out." I interrupt. "It does matter. It matters to me that if we get married our children will be more like me than you. They will have purposes."
"So they have purposes, so what. We can help them together."
"You don't get it Tuck! My purpose made me move from my childhood home. I had to leave it all behind without a second thought. You once told me that this was it for you. This place." Tucker starts to protest. "Yes I know you would support us and go wherever they needed because you are so good but Tuck, it would kill you. I know it would. I couldn't have that on my conscience."
"So that's it. Because our future kids might make us move you would give us up?" he scoffs.
I was hoping that my other arguments would work and that I wouldn't have to say what I have to say next. But deep down I knew they wouldn't. "Tuck, I'm in love with Christian."
Well that did it. All the fight seems to leave his body. "oh." He says. "well I guess that changes things."
"Yeah," I say lamely.
"How long?" He asks.
"I don't know." I reply. "A while. But I think I just figured it out. We've been through a lot this year and, I don't know…" I cross over to Tucker and lightly grab his hand. He stiffins but doesn't pull away. "Tuck." I yank lightly on his hand for him to look at me "Tucker?" I say more quietly. He looks at my face, anguish in his eyes. "I'm…" I'm about to say I'm sorry, but I remember Christian's advice, so I continue "I'm so glad for the time that we had. You were my first love." Then almost a whisper, "I'll never forget you."
Tucker blinks. When he opens his eyes again they are full of something I've never seen. A sort of resolve and almost…acceptance. "I get it." He says "He's you're destiny, or whatever. I think deep down I knew I could never compete with that, but I had to try. I'll try to stay out of your way if you promise me one thing."
"Anything." I say.
"Stay the heck out of my barn! Gosh woman, it's kinda hard to get over someone when they keep popping up when you're trying to feed the horses!"
This makes me smile. "I love you Tucker Avery." I say
"Yeah." He says, "But not enough." And he's right.
It's quiet for a moment, his words hanging in the air. "well," I say, "I guess I should be going. Bye Tuck." I whisper those last words, barely getting them out.
"See ya Carrots." He says quietly back. I turn to leave when I hear a little louder. "Hey Carrots?"
I turn to look at him one last time, "What?"
"What do you see in a guy like Christian Prescott?"
My mind is flooded with images of Christian. The goodness of him. His loyalty and his purpose and his love. His strength and his courage, his beauty. I look at Tucker and say simply, "Everything."
He nods and whispers. "ok." And I leave.
My heart is breaking as I cross into my room. I barely make it back before I burst out crying. Not just crying but ugly crying where your face gets all blotchy and you make weird noises. I look out my closed window and see Christian standing on the roof, his back towards me. He's there for me, just like with my mom, if I want him. I wipe my tears, move over to the window, and open it.
