Disclaimer: I don't own The Rocky Horror Picture Show

A/N: Yeah... this kinda started as a rip-off of the 5th season of the 2005 Doctor Who reboot. Don't worry, it gets a bit more original now. Probably.


The castle was in the middle of somebody's farm? That was not good.

Though Riff had other things to worry about. For one thing, Susan was still there asking questions.

"Are you going to explain now? Who are you, why you're here…?"

"I think you'd better come inside," he said darkly.

Then he could have Columbia entertain this annoying creature. And it would make it easier to hide her corpse if he had to kill her. Though that would be a bit extreme, since she hadn't actually done anything but annoy him half to death. At least she hadn't likened his appearance to that of an 'ugly bald vampire on drugs', which was something people in Denton had said…

"Is your house bigger on the inside?" she asked.

Riff Raff ignored this comment. It made no sense to him.

And so, the two of them entered the house. Susan was quite sad to see that the castle seemed smaller on the inside. This was due to many bizarre artifacts that cluttered the place. Most were random little things that previous owners had collected whilst traveling.

Susan was fascinated by it all. There were lots of dusty old statues, a taxidermy vulture, dusty pictures in dusty frames… and so much more.

When Riff wasn't looking (i.e., the whole time) Susan snatched one small picture frame off of the table and hid it in her pocket. The picture in the frame was of a younger version of Prince Frank N. Further – at age 16, to be exact – in the most glamorous drag he owned at the time. Of course, she didn't look at that picture until much later!

Riff Raff led the girl into the kitchen. It was down the hall from the ballroom and the most likely place for Magenta or Columbia to be. Of course, they weren't there yet.

But Riff was too busy trying to figure out what to do to care.

So he left her there.

That is the trouble with letting men who aren't fathers look after kids. They don't really understand how much trouble a bored child can cause. Good thing Columbia was getting up and would be downstairs soon. Though not yet.

Riff went right to his 'lab' at that point. There he could think of what to do. That's where he always did his best thinking, you see. It was a nice little room adjacent to Frank's lab/the late Rocky Horror's Room that could be accessed via a secret door.

As usual, Riff was working on a few 'hobby projects' at that point in time. Most of those sorts of projects involved things he wished existed. Like something that made it possible for Magenta to carry his child without severe birth defects that incest caused. Or other possible health problems involving his darling sister – though most involved her having a child. This slight obsession with his own sister's reproductive system was partly due to the time she'd gotten pregnant by him (when they were both quite young) and miscarried at four months.

He loved her too much and worried about her too much. It was both sweet and rather silly. Being the dramatic person he was – and a self-proclaimed Byronic Hero – he considered that weird fixation to be his fatal flaw.

After much thinking he decided to leave the planet right then and there. It would be the simplest thing. He wouldn't even need to tell the still-sleeping sister of his!


Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Susan was desperately in search of a snack. This silly house had no good food, it seemed!

Then she found a glorious food known as chocolate-chip cookies. They'd been bought by Columbia ages ago, in an attempt to show Magenta the joy of cheap/packaged snack foods. They were also quite stale. Yet Susan still ate them greedily.

After she'd eaten nearly the entire box Columbia entered the room. The sight of the child sitting calmly on the floor and eating stale cookies really freaked her out.

"What the hel- heck, I mean – are you?" the groupie shrieked.

Susan stared owlishly at Columbia, her eyes looking rather odd because of her glasses. "I am Susan, age eleven. And the sort of bald bloke brought me here because I begged and begged. Would you like a cookie?"

"No… I… you aren't supposed to be here. Good thing Frankie's gone, though I doubt he's into children…

"Who's Frankie?" Susan asked.

"He's this guy who I slept with all the time…" Columbia replied, so used to saying dirty things that she didn't truly realize what she'd said.

The phrase 'slept with' confused Susan for a while. Luckily, she'd never heard of it before. So she decided it was some sort of alien/time-traveler thing.

Columbia then led the girl (who still clutched the box of cookies) to the door. There, she smiled brightly in an attempt to cheer the kid up. It clearly didn't work, so she became serious again.

"You can't tell anyone about this, Susan," Columbia said sadly.

The child pouted. "Aw, but-"

"If you tell, kiddo, something bad will happen. If you don't tell everything will be okay and we'll come visit you in a couple years."

Susan sighed. "Promise?"

"Promise," Columbia said, hoping it they would.

The Gods heard this and willed it to come true. They all liked Columbia. Yet it took many years (in Susan's timeline, at least) for such a thing to truly happen. You shall see later, dear readers.

And so, Susan went back to life as a boring 'normal person' – despite living in Guildford. The aliens and Columbia pressed that button again. They prayed that this time they'd be home. Or, if not, at least near enough to home for a friend/ally to come to their aid!

Though the Gods weren't really so happy with Riff – a murderer. Even a murderer who's motive was noble annoyed Them. So that wish of Susan's wouldn't come true any time soon merely because of the association with Riff Raff…


A/N: hopefully the whole thing with 'the Gods' controlling the main character's fates isn't annoying. It's just that it's sort of supposed to be a Rocky Horror/Sci-Fi version of Homer's The Odyssey...

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