If Alex had her way, Monday's would be illegal, punishable by 15 years to life. They always came way too soon for her. She looked forward all week to her weekend off, where she didn't have to look twice down each hall before leaving her office, or cautiously turn corners, nervous she'd run into Olivia. She got to her office early, as she'd done every day for the the last three months. If she got there early, she was able to avoid seeing Olivia on her way into the precinct. She hadn't spoken to Olivia since the morning she left, but she saw the brunette Sergeant every night in her dreams. In her mind she felt like she'd done the right thing, but her heart felt quite differently. On days when she felt like she was about to lose control, she'd hop into her car and drive around the city, past Olivia's house, past the park where she took Noah. More than once she'd parked out of sight and watched Olivia push Noah on the swings. She saw the joy that Noah brought her, and tried to convince herself that the two were better off without her. Alex quietly let herself into her office, and set her briefcase down on her desk. She hung up her jacket, sat down behind her desk, and sighed when she saw the date on her desk calendar. She reached down and opened her desk drawer, removing a wrapped box with a bow on it. She looked back at the square on the calendar two days ahead, and the familiar handwriting made her recall the day the important reminder had been scribbled there.
"Alex, it's almost 8pm, are you coming home for dinner?" Olivia asked as she stepped into Alex's office.
"Of course," she said, putting down the stack of papers she was working on. Alex stood up and walked over to Olivia, wrapping her arms around the taller brunette. "Just let me run to the bathroom, and then we can leave?" Alex left Olivia standing alone in her office while she went down the hall to use the ladies room. Olivia stepped behind the blonde's desk and sat down in her chair. She pulled out a red pen and shuffled the stack of paperwork to the side, revealing Alex's desk calendar. She took then cap off the pen and flipped through some of the pages. On one day, she drew a bunch of hearts and labelled it 'Anniversary.' She flipped the pages again and scribbled a little birthday cake, followed by 'Noah's Birthday!'
"You know, vandalism is a serious crime," Alex said when she returned to find Olivia leaving cute notes on her desk.
"You can feel free to punish me later, Counsellor," Olivia mused. "Ready to go?"
"Ready," Alex said, grabbing her bag and buttoning her coat. She reached out for Olivia's hand, laced her fingers through her girlfriends, and leaned up to kiss her cheek. "Let's go."
Alex got up from her desk, present still in hand. If she moved fast, she could leave it for Olivia and make it back to her office before anyone saw her. She locked her office behind her and quickly made her way up the stairs towards the SVU squad room. Stopping at the doors, Alex looked both ways through the glass windows and made sure the coast was clear. She scurried across the squad room, opened the door to Olivia's office, and set the gift down on her desk.
"Didn't anyone ever tell you that you shouldn't break into someone's office?" Alex jumped, nearly falling over the chair that was next to her. She froze when she realized the voice was Olivia's.
"Noah's birthday is in two days," she blurted, attempting to explain herself.
"Counsellor, I know when my own son's birthday is," Olivia stated coldly. She entered her office and set her stuff down behind her desk. She pointed to the gift on her desk, and looked at Alex questioningly.
"I, um, It's for Noah. I bought it before we…I mean, I had it made a while ago and I still wanted him to have it. You can tell him it's from you. There's a note on it, I was going to just leave it for you. I'm sorry," Alex's voice was shaking.
"Is that all? I have work to do," Olivia said. She certainly wasn't expecting to see Alex in her office, and she wasn't at all prepared to be speaking to the blonde.
"Yes, sorry. I'm leaving now," she said quietly, turing towards the office door.
"Hmm, where have I heard that before?" Olivia retorted. Alex felt the sting of Olivia's words as she shut the office door behind her. She bolted across the squad room and down the hall. She heard the ding of the elevator doors open, and spotted Rollins and Amaro stepping into the hall. She turned her back to them, planning her escape route. The only other way out was the stairs just down the hall. She turned and walked briskly past them, trying to hide her tears.
"Good Morning, Cabot," Amaro said cheerfully, oblivious to what was going on. Amanda smacked his arm, and then turned to watch Alex push through the door to the stairs and disappear out of sight.
"Jeez, Amaro," she said, turning back to face him, "you really are kind of clueless when it comes to women, huh?"
"What?" Amaro shrugged.
"Alex. She just darted right passed us. She's crying. She's coming from the direction of our squad room. It doesn't take a Detective to put the clues together," Amanda explained. Nick looked down the hall and through the doors he could see the light on in Olivia's office.
"Shit," he whispered.
Downstairs, Alex let herself back into her office and locked the door behind her. She curled up on the couch at the far end of her office and sobbed into one of the throw pillows. She was embarrassed that the SVU Detectives had seen her cry, angry at herself for hurting Olivia, and frustrated that she had been questioning her decision to break off their relationship. She'd been telling herself that she wasn't ready to be a parent, but when she remembered all the times they'd been able to take Noah out for the day, she always found herself smiling at the memories. Noah's giggle when the monkeys at the zoo ran past them, his smile when Alex shared some cotton candy with him at the street fair, teaching him how to go down the slide at the playground, and how peaceful he looked when he fell asleep in the stroller before they even got him back to the children's center. She was terrified of being a mother, but when she thought about the time she spent with Olivia and Noah together, she knew she'd made a mistake. Alex caught a glimpse of her watch and jumped off the couch, taking a tissue from the box on the table and wiping the tears from her face with it. She straightened her skirt and took a deep breath. She was about to be late for an arraignment. Now wasn't the time for breakdowns. Checking her watch again as she gathered her paperwork, Alex thought back to the night Olivia had given it to her.
"Hi baby," Olivia said, taking Alex's coat from her as she entered the apartment. "How was the rest of your day?"
"Ugh, it didn't get much better. Buried in a mountain of paperwork, I was almost late for court, and Donnelly called a last minute meeting in her chambers as I was stepping out the door to come home. My back hurts from slipping on that ice this morning, and I'm mad that I shattered my favorite watch while trying to break my fall," she said, wrapping her arms around Olivia and enjoying the comfort that the brunette always managed to bring her. "I'm better now that I'm home,' she whispered.
"Dinner is on the table, let's eat?" Olivia offered. She showed Alex to the table, which was romantically set with candles and glasses of wine. Alex spotted the plates of Olivia's famous chicken parmesan.
"What's the occasion? My favorite meal, candles, did I forget an anniversary?!" she gasped.
"Shh," Olivia said, laughing,"it's because I love you, and I know you had a bad day. I'm making it better." Alex smiled as she sat down at the table. Olivia kissed her forehead before taking a seat next to her. When they were done eating dinner, Olivia guided Alex into the living room, where there was a fire going in the fireplace. They both sat down on the couch, and Olivia wrapped a blanket around them. She reached over to the side table and picked up a small box tied shut with ribbon. "I had some time to kill after work, and while I was shopping, I saw this and knew that I had to get it for you," she said, smiling as she handing the box to Alex.
"Liv? What is this?" Alex inquired.
"Well, if I told you, it would ruin the element of surprise, now wouldn't it?" she mused. Alex gently pulled the ribbon off the box and carefully lifted the lid.
"Olivia!" she exclaimed when she saw the most beautiful watch inside. "Liv it's gorgeous!" Olivia took the watch out of the box and secured it on Alex's wrist.
"It looks perfect on you," she whispered, leaning in to kiss Alex.
"Liv, I can't accept this, this is too nice," Alex protested.
"Expensive, you mean? Alex, I love you. And that means once in a while I'm allowed to really spoil you, and you aren't allowed to worry about my money," Olivia insisted.
"Okay, but I'm going to thank you in my own special way," she said, kissing Olivia's neck and pulling herself up onto the other woman's lap.
"I'm not complaining," Olivia moaned.
"Earth to Cabot," Munch said louder, unsure if Alex had heard him the first time. Alex snapped back to reality to find Munch and Fin standing in front of her.
"Sorry, I was lost in thought," she confessed.
"Good thoughts, based on that smile," Fin joked. Alex blushed, and looked at the door, eager to change the subject.
"Ready to go? We go before Petrovsky in 15 minutes," she stated. She followed the guys out of her office, and tried to get herself back into court mode. While they elevator was taking them downstairs, she pulled a tiny mirror out of her bag, hoping her eyes weren't puffy from crying.
"She'll come around," Fin whispered to Alex. She game him a weak smile, appreciative of his support.
"Thanks. But I'm pretty sure she hates me." The elevator doors opened and Munch was the first to exit.
"Alex," Fin said as quietly they followed him out of the lobby, "I know she misses you too."
"I messed up, Fin, I messed up so badly." Alex swallowed hard and choked back tears.
"Give her some more time," Fin advised her, resting a hand on her shoulder, "then go talk to her. She loves you. She'll listen." Alex nodded, and the three of them got into a cab and gave the courthouse address to the driver.
Meanwhile, back at SVU...
Olivia watched as Alex ran out of the squad room. As soon as Alex was out of sight, she got up to shut the blinds on her office windows, and then returned to her desk. She picked up the notecard that was attached to the gift, and opened it.
Olivia- I'd gotten this made for Noah right after our day trip to the zoo. Please, pass it on to him? He should still have it. -Alex
Olivia slid the gift into her bag and got back to work on the files in front of her. A knock at the door halted her progress just a few minutes later, and she grunted in frustration.
"It's open," she called. Amanda opened the door and stepped into the office.
"Morning Serg.," she said, "how was your weekend?"
"Good, not quite long enough though, how was yours? How are you feeling?" Olivia asked before motioning for Amanda to sit down. Amanda plopped down into the chair across from Olivia's desk.
"Morning sickness isn't as bad anymore, and I was able to actually get a bit of rest. I'm still adjusting to taking up more square footage," she laughed, pointing to her growing baby bump. "Look, Liv, it's none of my business, but we couldn't help but notice that a hysterical Alex Cabot sprinted by us on our way in this morning, and I can only deduce that she was here before. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." Amanda offered the brunette a warm smile.
"Thanks, Rollins. I'm…I'm not sure how I am," she said honestly, letting her guard down a little. She considered Amanda a friend, and although they weren't super close and she usually preferred to keep her personal life private, she knew that keeping everything in all the time wasn't healthy. "I'm having a hard time. Noah keeps asking when Alex is coming back from vacation. I don't know what else to tell him. I miss her, so much. But I'm so angry at her. She came by this morning before I got here, to drop off a gift for Noah's birthday, and I guess she wasn't expecting me so early because I saw her leaving the gift in my office. I wasn't exactly friendly towards her. I'm just…I wasn't expecting that to be our first conversation since the morning she left. I don't know how to stop loving her. I don't know that I even want to stop loving her. But Noah, he's my son now, and she was clear about not wanting kids, at least not yet. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be putting all of this on you," Olivia apologized, wiping tears from her face.
"Olivia, can I give you some advice?" Amanda asked, genuinely concerned for her boss.
"Please," Olivia agreed.
"Noah's placement with you, and his adoption, they both happened really fast. I never wanted kids either, and now look at me. The difference is, I've had five months to get used to the idea of being a Mom, and I still have four more to prepare for the baby being here. Honestly, if I wasn't pregnant, and someone came to me tomorrow and said 'oh by the way, next month you're getting a baby,' I'd probably freak out too. I think Alex was just overwhelmed; you know she'd never make you choose between her and Noah, so I think that she thought she was doing what was best. Talk to her, Liv. If nothing else, get some closure and agree to be civil for the sake of the rest of us," Amanda joked. She stood up and flipped up a picture frame on the edge of Olivia's desk. "Just think about it," she said, and then left Olivia alone in her office. Olivia tried not to look at the photo. It was painful to see Alex's smile, especially next to Noah's. As much as she hated to admit it, Amanda was kind of right. She hadn't exactly been fair with Alex, and Noah's adoption had happened a lot faster than even she herself was totally ready for. Olivia picked up the picture and leaned back in her chair, tracing her fingers over Alex's perfect face. She could still remember the day she'd taken the photo as if it were yesterday.
"Boat!" Noah shouted when he saw the giant pirate ship inside the play room. Olivia had gotten them tickets for the Children's Museum, because it encouraged children's learning through fun and play. The playroom offered kids dress-up options, as well as props, and contained a large pirate ship as well as a kid sized house. Alex unbuckled Noah from his stroller and followed him behind the pirate ship, where she put a pirate's hat on him and handed him a foam sword. Olivia laughed when she saw the two appear on top of the ship, dressed like pirates. They waved their swords back and forth, and Alex let Noah beat her in a sword fight.
"Oh no!" Alex exclaimed as Noah made her walk the plank, falling into a ball pit below.
"Awex, okay?" he kindly asked, jumping in after her to make sure she wasn't eaten by one of the stuffed sharks circling the ball pit.
"Freeze, you two," Olivia said as she held up her camera to snap a picture. "Say pirates!" Noah held up his sword and laughed while Alex smiled wide.
"Pirates!" they sang, and ever since it had been one of Olivia's favorite pictures of the two of them.
"Should I come back another time?" A voice interrupted her daydream, and Olivia looked up to see Abbie standing in the doorway.
"Abbie Carmichael, what are you doing here?!" Olivia jumped up, greeting her friend with a big hug. She hadn't seen Abbie in almost a year since she'd accepted a job as the US Attorney, working directly under the Feds, though they still spoke once in a while via email.
"I'm on a brief vacation," she announced.
"So you came to NYC?" Olivia questioned, smiling at the sight of her best friend.
"Not exactly by choice," she joked, "my brother is getting married here and I'm in the wedding party."
"Well, it's really good to see you," Olivia said.
"Liv, what the hell is going on with you?" Abbie asked, cutting right to the chase. She sat down and leaned forward, waiting for Olivia to spiel.
"Abs, it's nothing, okay? I'm fine," Olivia tried to convince her, hoping she wouldn't have to talk about it.
"Olivia, you're sitting in your office crying over a picture of Alex Cabot. You're not fine, you and I both know that. Now tell me what's going on, or I'm going to go pay Ms. Cabot a visit and get the answers from her," she threatened.
"Okay, okay," Olivia blurted, "leave Alex alone. I don't need you to make this worse than it already is. I'm not fine. I'm a mess. But I don't think there's anything I can do about it, I just need to get over it and move on."
"Get over…Alex? Did I miss something?" she inquired. Abbie had known Olivia since college; they'd met at a Pride event on campus, and had been friends ever since. She knew Olivia was a lesbian, but Cabot? She was most definitely straight.
"You missed a few things. How much time do you have?" Olivia asked.
"All day, if you need it," Abbie told her.
"Coffee?" Olivia countered, "I need to get out of here."
"My treat," Abbie offered, and the two women left Olivia's office. They walked the few blocks from the precinct to the little diner that served breakfast all day. Once they ordered coffee, Abbie put her menu down and looked at Olivia.
"Start talking," she demanded. Olivia took a deep breath and cleared her throat before speaking.
"Abbie, Alex and I…we weren't just friends," she started, "we were…together."
"WHAT?" Abbie whispered in disbelief.
"Alex likes women, Abs. She wasn't out until after we started dating. We were together until a few months ago." Olivia looked out the window and watched people pass by on the street. She knew Abbie was trying to help, but she hated rehashing what had happened between her and the love of her life.
"What happened?"
"Noah. I applied to be a temporary placement for him, and while we were waiting for a decision, we'd visit him and take him on day trips. We didn't expect a decision for a few months, and Alex was adjusting to the idea of being a Mom. But the judge came back with a positive response after only two weeks. Alex freaked out, she wasn't ready. So she left," she told Abbie.
"Liv, I'm so sorry," she said, reaching across the table and putting her hand over Olivia's.
"I love her, Abbie," Olivia confessed, tears streaming down her face. "Noah loves her too. You happened to stop by right after I saw her, spoke to her, for the first time in over three months. It wasn't pretty." Abbie had never seen Olivia like this before. Even when Elliot put his papers in, Olivia had been really upset, but now her eyes were dark and she looked defeated. This was a different kind of hurt. This was a broken heart. Olivia's phone rang, so she pulled it out of her pocket and saw Amaro's number on the screen.
"It's SVU, I need to head back," she said. Olivia stood and put her jacket on. "Abbie, thanks for the coffee. If you aren't busy, come over tonight and meet Noah? I'll make dinner. I could use the company," she admitted.
"I'll be there at 6pm," her friend confirmed.
