Chapter 2
A week had passed since Rumple woke, with strength and magic slowly returning to his body. With his power coursing back into his veins, Rumple used small measures to fix the house, rid the small inhabitants; both birds and vermin, and he used magic to conjure food. He concentrated on gathering water, supplies, fixing furniture, and getting his home back into the condition it was when he and Bae lived there. Thankfully this work was tiring on his recovering body and he was soon exhausted, and too drained physically to think about what was troubling him.
He ventured outside to clean up the well, and located a bucket still useful for gathering water in its depths. He found wood to use for a fire, and made a stockpile outside the home. The labor was useful to building his strength and energy back. More importantly, Rumple found it cathartic, cleaning his broken soul.
As his body recovered, Rumple's mind was uneasy, and his heart crushed. At night Rumple found himself haunted by the events that happened. The words his father used telling him how he felt. The painful way his father told him that he wasn't worthy of love, a father's love. That even as a baby he was a burden. Rumple's mind kept playing the moment of his father's plea. 'You don't have to do this Rumple. Remove the dagger, we can start over. We can have a happy ending.' Did his father mean it? He knew that his father didn't, that he was trying to save himself. But the small boy inside Rumple cried wanting it to be true. He told himself he did the right thing. He had to kill him, but the boy was arguing that now papa will never say he's sorry or that he loved you. 'Because I killed our Papa' Rumple told his inner child, curling up and crying over the pain and finality of this.
Every night Rumple's dreams became nightmares. Sometimes the boy would appear to try and stop Rumple from killing their papa. But in the end his father was always dead and the people standing by vanished as Rumple woke.
The next morning Rumple decided to do something about his clothing and the beard that had grown the past few weeks. Summoning a mirror to his hand, Rumple could see just how dirty, and tired his features were. The facial hair told him that he must have been in and out of consciousness several weeks before he truly woke. He estimated that it was now over twelve weeks since that last day in Storybrooke. Rumple wondered if everyone was still there, or had they made it back. He could look, perhaps go to his castle and see. As he considered this, Rumple conjured clothes more the style of this land, and made preparations to bathe and shave.
Thoughts of Belle and Baelfire swirled around him, as he dressed and made his way to the spinning wheel. Taking a seat, Rumple conjured straw, and started to spin. He missed them, he loved them. But fear was quickly taking hold. He had been dead to them for three months now. Surely his appearance would unhinge them. If he could even get to them, would they even know him?
"They would be better off thinking me dead. Bae's happiness is already laid out for him." Rumple felt the need to say this out loud to convince himself of its truth
"Belle's heart would heal and she would find another to love." His words were thick with sadness as he thought of his true love "She could find someone worthy, someone who wouldn't place her in danger. She deserves a real happy ending."
As Rumple spoke this he could hear Belle's reply in his head 'And why do you get to decide who I love? I may never move on to spite you, and then neither of us will have a happy ending. I don't truly believe that is what you want for me, for us.'
He smiled, at Belle's argument. "No sweetheart that is not what I want."
The Belle in his thoughts smiled 'Good, then in the morning come look for us.'
Spending the rest of the night spinning, clearing his dark thoughts of having killed his father, Rumple thought of plans should he come across Belle and his son in this land.
At some point during the night Rumple dozed off, having taken his worn body to his bed. His nightmares were taking on a new pattern, his father, no longer looked like Pan, but the man the small boy wanted to be loved by. His face was dead, he looked pale and hollow. He grabbed Rumple and spoke very darkly to him 'You think they will want you, when you so easily murdered your own father?' Malcolm pushed and kicked Rumple to the ground 'They don't love you anymore. You said it yourself, you are a villain, undeserving of a happy ending.' Malcolm grabbed his son, dragging him into an abyss 'You should be dead, like I am.' As he felt himself being tossed into the darkness Rumple woke falling out of the bed.
Wiping the sweat off his brow, Rumple stood his legs very no longer steady. Feeling despair at his most recent nightmare "You are right Papa. I am too dark and broken now"
Sitting down with some tea to take the edge off, Rumple's thoughts led to Belle. "You can't want this" Rumple gestured to his body "I am damaged, even more than I was before my darling. I killed my father, I am a villain, and my soul is lost." Tears welled at how alone he felt.
Finishing his tea, Rumple made his way back to his wheel. Feeling burdened by centuries of living and madness "I will forget. I will spin, and I will forget."
