Well, I'm back. After several dismal months of what ended up amounting to work-sleep-work, I now have time again for gentler things. Picking up on fanfic ideas where I left off, I note people asked for more Zoo Tales, more Crowly and Aziraphile, more Civilian Assistant, more Slipping between Worlds.

Let's start with Zoo Tales, as a character here will also appear in the next chapter of Slipping Between Worlds, and I want to try to get her absolutely right as a woman to avoid, whose slightly muddled yet strongly held opinions are legend.

We begin with a scene-setting reprise from the end of Nature Studies, at the birth of the Zoo:-

Young Maroon, the duty mail-boy, ran to her office with a copy of the Times and her share of the morning post. She thanked him, and read the Times over a coffee. They were still covering the animal escape in Hide Park with photos and stories for which there'd been no physical space the previous day.

An editorial praised the far-sighted and civic-minded proposal to enable a City Zoological Gardens, and Johanna noted, to her approval, that somebody (Vetinari?) had given the Times a set of plans and artists' impressions to look at. And copy into the paper. She studied them herself: evidently a bright architect had been consulted. But that wouldn't do for a chimpanzee house, too many ways the creatures could escape. In passing, she noted that was named as a woman to whom the City owes deepest and most heart-felt thanks. She shrugged: praise would be forgotten by tomorrow, but the Zoo was already growing. That was the sort of permanence she preferred.

She turned her attention to the post. A letter from the Times, asking if Sacharissa Cripslock could interview her for the Woman of the Moment feature; a letter from home, from her mother, no doubt another litany of complaints about continued absence of son-in-law, her daughter's tardiness in doing anything about it that she could see, a warning that it will get worse after you turn thirty, and that she, Johanna's mother, would like to see grandchildren, ideally before she got too old and senile to appreciate being an opie and an ouma. Johanna put it to one side for attention later.

What's this… from Miss Estressa Partleigh, of the Campaign for Equal Heights. Why am I not going to like this?

It had come to Miss Partleigh's attention that she, Miss Smith-Rhodes, was only proposing to have chimpanzees of the species Pan Troglodyctus in the new City Zoo. Was she not aware that there was such a thing as the Dwarf Chimpanzee, Pan Bonobus, and what sort of a message was it sending out that the dwarf chimpanzee was being excluded from the new Zoo? She, Miss Partleigh, therefore demanded that three dwarf bonobos should be included for every two troglydyctus…

Johanna swore a spiky Howondolandian oath that was audible from Tump House, balled the letter up from the verdammte dumpkoft stupid woman, and threw it at the wall.

The last letter restored her smile: it was from the Council of the Thieves' Guild, acknowledging that Vetinari had personally passed on her comments at yesterday's meeting. In the light of which, the Council had debated the Zoo issue, thought it was a great idea, and in the interests of public relations and being seen as a mature and confident Guild that could join in with a good-natured joke at its expense… could we offer to sponsor the Chimpanzee House? Could volunteer students from the Thieves' Guild School have to do with its upkeep and maintenance?

She pencilled yes, of course in the corner of the letter, and leant back. It was shaping up into a good morning.


Johanna spent as much of the days as she could on the Zoo site, watching, commenting, supervising. The School day had been disrupted some time before by the need for student Assassins with animal handling expertise to participate in the round-up at Hide Park. She found that she needed to marshal reserves of diplomacy to deal with justifiably irritated colleagues in the staff room, those fellow teachers from whose classes she had needed to pull pupils. This and her own daily teaching ate into her time, but at least she was able to suspend normal teaching and lead class discussions on what the ideal Zoo should be – one or two very good ideas had emerged for consideration.

She watched the Chimpanzee Enclosure rise, with some pride – easily one of the highest structures on the site, it had to completely encompass several trees as well as being securely roofed over with wire netting. Chimps needed the third, vertical, dimension: but it had to be so that they couldn't climb out completely and go looking for a fruit orchard to plunder. Not those chimps. This troop were the All-Howondaland Thieving Champions. Any enclosure built for them was going to have to be secure and a long way away from any commercial fruit-growing operation. She considered the chimps, who currently occupied a suite of cages at the Palace Menagerie. It would be a little uncomfortable and cramped for them but the Librarian, who acted as her liaison with the great apes, had assured her the chimp families had been cramped into smaller and more uncomfortable cages on the voyage over. Even so, they had to come over here quickly – but it just couldn't be today. Maybe in two or three days. She felt thankful the Librarian was looking after their welfare and providing toys, games and bananas for them. And tea. By the gallon.

The easiest animals to house, once the double-gated and double-fenced paddocks had been built, had been the big cats. Johanna crossed her fingers that the lions and leopards had been allocated enough space. Even though the Zoo site covered many acres – and she was sure she could buy out neighbouring farmland, in time – it was still finite and there were lots of demands on space. Everything would be a necessary compromise, including allowing enough space for the cats to roam.

And eventually, she thought, some sort of service roadway system with metalled surfaces. Or this will just be a muddy swamp. Better check the drawings allow for that: I want all public roadways acceptably surfaced. And a service roadway running round the rear, where the public will not see. If we're selling exotic animal dung to Harry King, it needs a place to store it for his gnolls to collect. Ag, would they eat it? Foodstores for the animals. Some sort of coldstore for meat, get a wizard with a chill spell.

Wizards... unbidden, her mind turned to Ponder Stibbons. She smiled. He'd help.

And we need a road link to the main road to Ankh-Morpork. There will be so much traffic in both directions. Must ask Mr Gregson how much a good road costs to make.

Then it was back to the city, and the Animal Management Unit, where she had other commitments. She soon discovered providing tropical fish to a working colleague was one of them. (1) And in any case, Ponder had visited, which made the evening sweet.


"Ag! That much?" she demanded, looking at the estimate. Mr Gregson of the Builders' Guild looked gravely back at her.

"I'm afraid so, miss. Drainage. Under-road infrastructure. You'll need adequate drainage to run off things from the cages, too, as you're talking about hosing them down when they need it. With the sort of visitor numbers you're talking about, good roads don't come cheap and you're looking at three or four miles worth on the Zoo site. But if you don't install the infrastructure and get it right then you won't have a Zoo. You should pay some thought to boreholes, too, artisan wells to draw the water off. Advantage is, after filtering through the ground it'll be cleaner than drawing it straight off the River. And you'll need a lot of water here."

Johanna looked at the estimate again, did some mental arithmetic, and conceded the point. It would be so much easier now, to get good roads established, according to the plan that was evolving in her head. She could see, and had in fact sketched out, several concentric circles delineated by access roads and containing smaller and smaller cages and enclosures, with the animals needing most space right on the outside and progressively moving inwards to central buildings, perhaps an aquarium, an insectorium, a reptile house, a herpetorium... live rats and mice to feed the serpents and reptiles could be bred here, but why not do all that at the Animal Management Unit in town and freight them over...

Get the roads in place now and it will fix the site. It also means supplies of construction material can arrive in all weathers, and the animal transporters will have a smooth ride.

Johanna winced at the cost, but knew it was inevitable. She'd also have to get gardeners in to landscape the verdammte place... but maybe Vinnie Bellamy could deal with that side.

"Go ahead, Mr Gregson. How much do you need up front?"


She sighed, and went down to the river to think. Down here, a tributary of the Ankh drew relatively clean water out of the hills, which she considered a waste of its effort, given where that water was going to end up. As it drew nearer the big river, the land got swampier and marshier. The land here had been thrown in as part of the Zoo package, which suited her as it also supported a population of native swamp-dragons. Already, Assassins' Guild students on her Zoology classes had been directed here to build and camouflage hides and to spend hours at a time just watching. Johanna considered this an eminently transferable skill. Unobtrusively watching clients from places of concealment and making accurate observations was, after all, an Assassin skill. And it built up a valid scientific study of the ways and habits of swamp dragons in their natural environment, something Zoo patron Lady Sybil Ramkin was very emphatically in favour of. Johanna wanted this part of the Zoo to be restricted to all except bona fide swamp dragon researchers. She might sanction a public observation point higher up, but here it was professionals only. She made a note: the only building required here was to make safe some of the footpaths through the marsh, to save people falling in. She sat and watched for a while, ideas turning over inside her fertile mind. Swamp dragons fascinated her: there was no real equivalent at home in Howondaland. (2) The superbly pointless Osibisian Flying Elephant, perhaps. (3) Just as the notoriously unstable swamp dragons could pose a danger to the overconfident who got too close, it wasn't wise to be anywhere on the trajectory of a large pachyderm kept aloft only by scaled-up insect wings. And standing directly underneath an Osibisi posed problems too. In Vondalaans, it was called the Staannieonderbeeste or the Scheissvolifant.(4) Johanna didn't think she'd be getting any for the zoo any time just yet.

She smiled, relaxed, and blended into the ground around her, deliberately making it difficult for anyone from the main site to find her. Time enough later for that. She settled down to watch the dragons, which occupied her attention for some time. She took notes, intending to compare her observations later against those made by the Assassin pupils who she knew were in the hides. If their presented work was poor, she would point out to them that just because you have been cold and damp and uncomfortable for three hours, that is no excuse for not watching and observing accurately and intently. Should you ever make it to full licenced Assassin, your mission preparation might depend on accurate observation performed in difficult circumstances for an indefinite length of time. Now you had Saturday afternoon free. Report back to the Zoo at one with a notebook and pencils, and I will tell you when your period of observation ends...

In the late afternoon, she returned to the Guild to deal with routine Raven House issues. She noticed Mrs Bardon, one of the Guild's secretarial staff(5) , had called round during the day to collect Johanna's drafts for replies to official mail received. She approved and signed several routine letters, then noticed the letter from the Campaign For Equal Heights had been retrieved, un-balled and smoothed out. An apologetic note had been added.

Miss Smith-Rhodes.

The cleaner drew this to my attention. As it was not in the wastepaper bin she thought it was still a live issue and passed it to me. While I can understand your first reaction and would possibly have done similarly myself, I would counsel that this letter does need a reply. Perhaps if you allow your thoughts to mature for a day or two, I would be happy to prepare your reply for the outgoing mail?

Henrietta Bardon (Mrs)

Guild Clerical Officer

Johanna sighed, and re-read the letter. Mrs B was right, of course – it merited the common courtesy of a response. As she read, marvelling at the monumental demanding arrogance of the woman, the glimmering of an idea started to work its way up from the recesses of her mind.

The woman is monomaniac. She learns, possibly from the Encyclopaedia Morporkicca or more probably My First Book Of Jungle Animals, that there are two types of chimpanzee in the world. And the mere mention of one being the Dwarf Chimpanzee sets her off on her rant and her belief that all things Dwarf are better. But in my personal experience of the dwarf chimpanzee, which I know to be a lot less superficial, she is going to be dissappointed... She paused. A metaphorical light-bulb went on in her head. I am a teacher. Estrella Partleigh is in need of an education. I can provide it. Johanna, you might go to Hell for this, but it will be so worth it.

She went to work and drafted a gracious letter of acknowledgement to the Campaign for Equal Heights, in which she accepted the points made by Miss P and thanked her most earnestly for her suggestion as to the future direction of the Zoo. She pointed out that the Zoo was in its infancy and priority had to be given to those animal species negligiently imported by Dibbler, without adequate thought as to their care and disposal. As well as this, she had to accommodate those animals formerly kept in the Palace Menagerie, which Lord Vetinari wanted to close so as to release the land for building. She was sure that Miss Partleigh would understand that the animals needed care and secure housing, and that the animals and the people required a degree of protection from each other. She illustrated the idea that the animals needed more protection by pointing to the trade in Agatean medical preparations, which utilised parts of large mammals. Johanna also pointed to the Black Howondalandian tradition of "bushmeat", something her native country had made illegal so as to conserve its ape and monkey populations.(6) Therefore the ape population required special protection, something the Guild of Assassins was uniquely set up to provide as part of its reservoir of trade skills.

This would take some time, as she, Johanna, was sure Miss Partleigh would appreciate, but she was prepared to accept a population of dwarf chimpanzees in principle. Perhaps when the Zoo was ready to accept them, Miss Partleigh might like to come to the opening ceremony? As a guest of honour?

Johanna allowed a grin to cross her face. She leant back in her office chair and allowed one booted ankle to cross the other on the desk-rim. This was going to be fun... just don't put them in the enclosure next to the regular chimps, or there will be war across the fence.


In the following weeks, Johanna consulted her uncle, the Howondalandian Ambassador, for useful information.

Her uncle was inclined to be generous, following the way she had turned what might have been a diplomatic incident into a situation where both Howondaland and Ankh-Morpork had emerged smelling of roses. Besides, he was going to be a co-opener of the new Zoo, as a representative of the nation that had gifted most of the animals to Ankh-Morpork. (7) Uncle Pieter, with Lady Frjida at his side, had recently opened the Hide Park Hippo Sanctuary, a spin-off from the Zoo project where it had been accepted that the animals were happy where they were, thank you, and could not easily be moved to the Zoo. Iconographed for the papers in a handshake with Lord Vetinari, he had delivered a speech about Ankh-Morpork's next generation of iconic hippopotami being provided as a free gift from the former colony of Rimwards Howondaland, in recognition of ties of kinship, language, culture and trade. Lord Vetinari had echoed these sentiments, and Pieter had received commendation from the Staadt. (Partly for the public relations work, but mainly for the trade concessions Johanna had suggested were good recompense for the goodwill).

Her uncle was therefore more than willing to give her the names of reputable licenced wildlife dealers back Home who could assist in Project Bonobo, and bring a small population to Ankh-Morpork in a safe, secure and humane manner.

"Bonobos?" queried Aunt Frijda. "They aren't that... nice, dear!"

Johanna smiled as her aunt shuddered, theatrically. Her uncle, a man professionally skilled at decoding faces, scrutinised her carefully.

"I'm almost certain our niece is perfectly aware of the nature of Bonobo chimpanzees." Uncle Pieter said, coolly. "A wise man once said that nobody ever made money by over-estimating the good taste and sophistication of the Ankh-Morpork public. I rather suspect Johanna, like me, has been here in this city for long enough to realise the truth of that axiom. I suspect she is seeking to ensure a regular supply of fifty pences per adult and twenty-five pences per child?"

Pieter shared a knowing grin with her.

"Please tell me when the bonobos arrive and they are first exhibited." he requested. "Especially if Miss Partleigh is present."

Johanna smiled.

"I would not deprive you of the pleasure, Uncle!"

Several months passed. Permanent buildings began to rise on the Zoo site to fill their allocated plots on the road layout. Ponder Stibbons assisted Johanna and her students in transferring the University's population of tigers and alligators to the Zoo, a procedure not without incident.(8) The University asked if there was space for a couple of dedicated buildings: the Zoo Council allocated the space, although it had misgivings as to the multidimensional aspects of the Unseen University School of Quasi, Para, Neo, Pseudo and Crypto-Zoology. A lioness had cubs and rejected them. Johanna personally adopted a twice-rejected cub with an eye problem.(9) There were issues with were-leopards arriving from Howondaland which needed to be thrashed out. And all the time the Zoo buildings grew and evolved. Some animals could safely be left in the original wire-fenced paddocks and runs and enclosures. All that was necessary for the large cats was to provide shelters they could retreat to in the face of Ankh-Morporkian rain and winter. The original colony of chimpanzees received a purpose-built chimpanzee house to supplement their extensive outdoor run. Paid for by the sponsoring Guild of Thieves and designed by one of the more functionally aware members of the Guild of Architects, Johanna approved of the stylish layout and spacious design. She noted a similar, but somewhat smaller, building rising on the opposite side of the Zoo, in an as yet unallocated paddock. It had to be as far away from the larger troglodyte chimps as possible – Johanna had seen at home how the two species clashed if they met, and it wasn't pretty.


And the Bonobo chimps arrived. Thanks to the clacks running all the way to the City from Jowser Cove (10), she had a couple of days' notice that The Un-Named, a ship belonging to a Guild member that often performed fast or clandestine transportation tasks for the Assassins, was on its way into Ankh-Morpork. She knew how fast the Un-Named could travel: it could cut the five weeks to Rimwards Howondaland down to three, with favourable seas and good winds. She'd travelled home on it a year or two before, for an extended holiday.

A day or so later, she was waiting on the dockside with Captain Angua von Überwald of the Watch. Behind her, a Guild ostler waited with a flat-bed cart as the Un-Named, oars stowed and depending on the skill of its helmsman and pilot, glided elegantly into dock. The effect was rather spoilt by the storm of animal chattering audible from its hold and by the lingering odour of the three-week voyage. Angua grinned.

"I always thought Chidder was a bit too smug for his own good" she said, contentedly. "This should wipe the grin off his face."

Johanna smiled too. Although she liked Chidder, as a teacher at the Assassins' School she had a certain distaste for the sort of boy – or girl – who was capable of sauntering through it all without even breaking sweat or seeming particularly stretched by the teaching. It was all one step away from over-confidence, to her mind. Still, as she sniffed the air, she reflected that even Chidder could have his days made less easy if you knew what buttons to press. As a surprisingly gaunt and hollow-eyed seaman threw out ropes to engage with bollards, Johanna noted a honey-wagon draw up, one of Sir Harry King's fleet of insanitary carts. The mixed team of goblins and gnolls, plus a couple of human supervisors, waited expectantly with shovels as the gangplank was thrown out with a crash and the figure of Chidder appeared at the top, flanked by two haggard-looking sailors.

"Johanna!" Chidder greeted her, bounding down, but something of his usual devil-may-care insouciance was gone.

"You're here to collect these bloody mon...apes?"

"I even brought a cert!" she said, happily. "Safe voyage?"

Chidder winced.

"I'll do this once for the Guild. After this voyage, never again. You'll tell Lord bloody Downey that?"

The sailor standing behind him looked for a second like he was in extreme physical pain. The wince that crossed his face was deep and heartfelt.

"Cap'n, when we've offloaded the cargo..."

"..And hosed out the hold and bilges."

".and hosed out the hold and bilges." the sailor repeated, reluctantly. "The shore leave you promised? We all need a run ashore to Rosie Palm's, some'ing painful!"

He paused, and being a honest man, added

"Well, some of the lads want a run ashore to Mr Harris's, but who am I to judge, they got it just as painful..."

Angua suppressed a giggle. Chidder turned to her.

"Ah, my favourite policewoman!" he said, genially.

"Don't push it!" she warned him. "I'm working customs today. Got the ship's manifests? Bills of loading? "

Chidder provided the paperwork. She looked through it, taking her time.

"You're VERY welcome to come aboard and search." Chidder said, his face a mask of innocence. You may dig around in the holds as much as you like. Take a big shovel, though!"

Actually, we brought a clean-up crew with us." Angua said, cheerfully, indicating the gnolls and goblins.

"Es per contrect." said Johanna. "I enticipaeted you might hev a little problem with the cargo, end I know you to be a festidious ship's ceptain, so I suggested Sir Herry send a squed. No charge, you just put one of your ship's officers to supervise them, and they will clean the ship efter the cargo. The Guild is considerate, Mr Chidder. You ere a member, you should realise thet!"

And three weeks worth of ripe bonobo kack is worth something to Harry. He buys all the exotic animal-shit from the Guild and sells it on at a profit.

Chidder still looked uncertain. Johanna spoke to him again.

"Guild honour. They are not there to pry, end look in places where you would not want them to look. They are merely there to clean your holds end to release your crew for the run ashore you promised them. A cepeble ship's officer is ell thet is needed to supervise."

Angua supressed a grin. The Cable Street Particular we've got in the clean-up squad can tell us later which parts of the ship Mr Chidder doesn't want any outsider to look too closely at. Then we can send other people to look more closely later.

"She's right, cap'n'." the old sailor prompted him. "We just disembark these... passengers... then we can leave these motley lads here to clear up the shit and scrub the hold. None of them look like they're more'n skivvies and swabbies, anyhow."

"Ok" said Chidder. "Unload the animal cages and sign them over to Miss Smith-Rhodes here, then most of you are on shore leave. Who's on fatigues? Bates, keep an eye on the shore squad, will you?" The delegated Petty Officer Batres nodded grumpily, while other sailors began calling orders.

Minutes later, the first of two covered cages was swinging out and over on divots, being gently guided down to Johanna's cart. Covered in sailcloth, muted chattering came from inside. As things it is best not to describe in detail were gently dropping through the bottom of the cage to spatter on the dockside, Johanna and Angua retreated to watch as sailors and longshoremen collaborated in squaring the gages onto the back of her cart.

They stepped a long way aside as thirty or forty hollow-eyed, haunted-looking sailors flew off the ship, some not bothering with the gangway and shinning down ropes, in the rush due Turnwise and then Hubwards from Two Pint Dock to Negotiable Affection, about three minutes' sprint away.

"Clever of Mr Chidder to dock here, wasn't it? The most convenient quayside for the Whore Pits." Angua said, grinning. Johanna smiled.

"Got to bed these fellows in et the Zoo." she said. "Hose them down, give them a couple of days' quarantine so we cen be sure they ere cerrying nothing infectious. Coming?"

"Wouldn't miss it!" said Angua. She looked puzzled for a moment. "You know, that's the fastest I've ever seen a ships' company move after it's been paid off. Even by normal sailor standards, they seemed keen to get to Rosie's?"

"Or to Mr Harris's." Johanna corrected her, totally straight-faced. "Bonobos hev this effect on people. Or so I'm told."

Angua glanced over her shoulder, but saw nothing except a cage which had been thoroughly covered in thick canvas sailcloth. Near her, the animal chittering was muted and low, as if the creatures in the covered cages were apprehensive and fearful of a predator nearby. Werewolves had that effect, even on species that had never met them before.

Smells, however, were coming to Angua's nose that suggested, in their vivid nasal coloration, exactly what it was that was the thing with bonobo chimpanzees. The particular colours involved, in the synaesthetic swirling world of werewolf nasality, were the sort of vivid dark reds that shaded down into a full spectrum of lush purples and purply-blues. These usually only troubled werewolf bitches in one brief and very specific phase of their life cycle and normally needed a trigger – Carrot did it for her, usually. But now she was sensing...

"Johanna?"

"Angua?"

"These mon...apes... they...?"

Angua was lost for words. Johanna, completely straight-faced, nodded.

"No wonder that ship's crew looked so haggard. Imagine sharing a boat... for three weeks... with creatures continually and relentlessly..."

"Nowhere to go. Nowhere to escape."

"No wonder they covered the cages. But they could still hear. And imagination is a terrible thing. "

Then both women burst out laughing, unable to contain themselves.


The day of the Unveiling saw a select gathering of Ankh-Morpork's finest, respectfully kept at a distance behind a red rope in front of the new bonobo house.

A line of Watchmen and Dark Clerks seperated the Gentry from members of the general public – Johanna had insisted as many ticket-buying members of the public as possible should be able to see the new exhibit. Advance publicity had certainly generated a record turn-out, and several licenced Assassins had been detailed to discreetly guard the ticket office while the take was being counted. An Assassin from the day's security detail would ride back to the Royal Bank later to bank the gate.

Johanna smiled to herself, watching Estrella Partleigh puff herself out with pride. She would, in a moment or two, pull the rope that caused the curtain to drop from in front of the animal house. Otto Chriek of the Times was readying his iconograph against the moment, and the select guests were politely waiting. They included Lord Vetinari, who had quietly supported the Zoo ever since its inception, and who sometimes discreetly visited. He would arrive and spend an occasional hour watching one of the social animals - the meerkat colony was a favourite - and then leave again. On one occasion he had interacted with two Assassins' School pupils directed to observe and report, chatting to them in an avuncular way concerning the sort of things they should be observing for. The two pupils had then turned in reports Johanna had not been able to fault at all, concerning the nuances of a power struggle to become Alpha Meerkat of the colony.

Several Guild leaders were also part of the invited group; Mr Boggis of the Thieves Guild, wanting to see this other sort of chimpanzee; Mrs Rosie Palm and several dignitaries from the Seamstresses' Guild; members of the teaching faculty from the Assassins' School and Unseen University; Sacharissa Cripslock from the Times; and representatives of several other Guilds. Her uncle, the Howondalandian Ambassador, was also present, as was fitting for the representative of the nation that provided the animals. Uncle Pieter had a seraphic half-smile as he made small-talk with the Patrician, both of them glancing over at Miss Partleigh at intervals.

Simian chatter grew louder and more obvious from behind the curtain, The excited chatter of Ankh-Morpork citizens anticipating street theatre met them from outside.

And Johanna stepped forward, said a few words of welcome, and invited Miss Partleigh, who had given her the idea, to step forward and make a speech of unveiling.

In other universes, this is an invitation to stand directly underneath the bucket of pig's blood and offal on Prom Night. Johanna had nothing so demeaning and humiliating in mind, but as a teacher, she did feel a need to deliver a lesson. In her opinion, Estrella Partleigh needed to be weaned out of the mind-set that said everything Dwarf was automatically more moral, more ethical, somehow better, than things created on the larger, human, scale. In Johanna's experience, things were not so simple. Nothing was; she recalled meeting some of the Dwarfs who managed Rimwards Howondaland's gold and diamond mines, and struggling to find a kind word to say about them. Uncle Pieter claimed that once humans learnt to run mines half as well, and we can start getting rid of the grasping greedy little scheisskopfs, we'll be better off. But I never said that, Johanna.

And then there were people she liked and admired, like Cheery Littlebottom...

A great honour... the enlightened management of the City Zoo, who saw sense and made this possible.. I have always believed that greater nobility goes with smaller size,that Dwarfs in their reticent and restrained behaviour put human morals to shame.. it is without further ado that I declare the Dwarf chimpanzee enclosure OPEN!

Miss Partleigh stepped back, looking utterly smug, and pulled the curtain. It opened to a tableau of dwarf chimpanzees doing what dwarf chimpanzees do best. Johanna had ordered sixty. Some more had been born on the voyage over. And the one thing bonobo chimpanzees, dwarf chimps, love to do, they were doing in full view of maybe a thousand people who all had direct line of sight. Some of the people at the back even had binoculars and opera glasses.

Miss Partleigh's smug look turned to slack-jawed horror as Otto Chriek called on her to smile for the iconograph.

Good Gods, Stibbons! What are those dam' monkeys doing?

I believe they're, er, copulating, sir!

That was a rhetorical question, Stibbons. I know full well what they're up to. It didn't need an answer!

Cheers and applause rose from the crowd.

"Can't you stop them?" Estrella Partleigh beseeched Johanna, who shook her head.

"It is whet they are good at. It is whet they do. It cennot be stopped. When you esked for them for the Zoo, you must have known?"

"But it's indecent!" wailed Miss Partleigh. Johanna shook her head.

"It is nature." she said, firmly. "This is an enimel, not far removed from the human being, which hes made recreational sex its main reason for being. It is perfectly netural for a dwarf chimpanzee to copulate several times an hour, not for the perpetuation of the species but purely for enimel pleasure. I would hev thought you hed researched this, miss Partleigh, end thet you were heppy to go ahead with the ecquisition of this species? "

Miss Partleigh's mouth opened and closed several times, then she turned and stormed off, red with affronted propriety. Johanna shook her head.

"Somehow, I don't think we cen count on the Campaign for Equal Heights to sponsor this enimel." she said, ostensibly to nobody in particular. "A great shame!"

"Oh, I don't know, though." a cheerful and amused female voice said. "Miss Smith-Rhodes, can I prevail upon you to describe to me what's going on? I'm very interested in that interaction in the treetop, just up there..."

"Just ebove thet long string of interconnected bonobos? I count ten... no, eleven now..."

Johanna's eyes followed her guest's pointing finger. She smiled at Rosie Palm, who was backed by several of her ladies (and Mr Harris) , then obligingly gave a narrative description.

"You will see, Mrs Palm, thet male is trying to persuade thet female into sexual activity, but she is either unwilling or resting efter previous exertion. So as a sweetener, he is offering her a gift of bananas, but she is still unwilling. So he has gone away and has returned with enother banana. The female is now showing more interest, although it may elso need the gift of an epple or other edditional item of fruit to convince her..."

Rosie Palm clapped her hands, delightedly.

"These apes are socially advanced, and practice negotiable affection?" She laughed.

"My dear, how much will it cost for the Seamstresses' Guild to adopt these remarkable animals? I see there are precedents involving other guilds, after all!"

Johanna smiled.

"We cen discuss numbers later in the day, Mrs Palm. For Mr Harris's benefit, I can confirm those are two males over there who are sharing affection. These are a very sophisticated enimel and have developed other forms of bonding!"

Johanna looked over the crowd. This was reeally going to be a good day.


(1) See Nature Studies. Johanna refrained from putting anything seriously lethal in Joan's office aquaria, though one tank had a classroom of pirhana fish in it. (2)

(2) A smaller division than a school.

(3) Regard album sleeve designs for seventies African music band, Osibisa, where artist Roger Dean paints elephants with dragonfly wings and dazzling compound eyes. I concede it might be good for the roses but do not stand directly underneath.

(4) As in Van 'n Groot Hoogte Scheissvol Olifant, or Elephant Which From A Great Height Excretes. Believed to be escapees from the god of Evolution's experiments that were just successful enough to establish a viable population in Howondaland.

(5) My first draft put"typist", but then I considered. Has the disc evolved typewriters as well as printing?

(6) But she did not add that white Ankh-Morporkians would also eat just about anything they could catch and knock over the head that had meat on its bones, and the natives outnumbered the black Howondalandian population by a thousand to one...

(7) At least, this is how diplomacy on the hoof presented it in the press releases to the Ankh-Morpork Times. See Nature Studies.

(8) This may be a story later. Herding Tigers in Ankh-Morpork...

(9) See The Discworld Tarot chapter "Strength"

(10) Like the Mediterranean and the Straits of Gibraltrar, entry into the Circle Sea is via a relatively narrow entrance. The Rimwards part of the Strait is Ell Kinte/Gebra, belonging to Klatch; the Hubwards part is the furthest extremity of the Central Continent. Jowser Cove as as far as humans care to get, even though the ideal observation post to watch for incoming shipping is the Paramountain and Holy Wood. It is believed the wily Vetinari, knowing that advance information about incoming shipping is worth lots of money in the Cities of the plains, has established a clacks post there staffed by Golems, who as a species unaffected by eldrich and unmoved by glamour, perform the double duty of guarding the Paramountain against incursions from the Dungeon Dimensions.