She's too brave. Too selfless. I can't tell if she's doing this because she thinks she has something to prove or because it's still the Abnegation that's left in her or if it's both, but I can't do this.
She stands in front of the target, eyes wide and defiant, but trusting. She knows I won't hit her.
I look at Eric and see the look in his eyes. He's enjoying this. He knows what this is doing to me. He knows how I feel about her.
I can't do this to my Tris.
I take a deep breath.
"If you flinch," My voice is low. I try to keep it from shaking as I look back into her wide, trusting eyes.
I don't deserve that trust.
But I will do my best to earn it.
"Al takes your place, understand?" She nods, eyes still locked on mine.
I beg for her to flinch. I can't stand to do this to her. But I know she won't.
I throw the first knife. It hits the board six inches away from her cheek. She closes her eyes.
"About done, Stiff?" Please say yes.
"No." Of course.
"Eyes open then." I try to sound bored, but I know I'm letting on too much emotion, I can see that in her eyes.
I throw the next knife. It lands right above her head.
"Come on, Stiff." I say, almost pleadingly. She either doesn't notice how much I want her to move or doesn't care. "Let someone else stand there and take it."
"Shut up, Four!" She yells. She has something to prove. That's why she's doing this. Well then. If that's the way she wants it. I throw my last knife. It hits her left ear. Not much, just a little, barely causing any blood.
I see the disbelief and shock in her eyes.
Her jaw drops. I feel horrible, but she asked for it. I look right back at her, telling her this, but not speaking, and mentally apologizing, but she can't read my mind. I do this more for myself. She just stands there and looks at me with her wide eyes.
"I would love to stay here and see if the rest of you are as daring as she is, but I think that's enough for today." as Eric walks past Tris, he whispers something in her ear and she tenses up, ready for battle. My blood freezes and my skin crawls. Stay away from my Tris.
I walk towards her, worried. "Is your-"
"You did that on purpose!" She yells. I deserve this. I hate myself. I sigh.
"Yes, I did." My voice stays quiet, but I'm fighting to keep it so. "And you should thank me."
Her soft eyes harden and she grits her teeth. "Thank you? You almost stabbed my ear, and you spent the entire time taunting me. Why should I thank you?" She's angry. And she should be. But her anger fuels mine.
"You know, I'm getting a little tired of waiting for you to catch on!" My voice is quiet, moreso than usual, and she stops. I glare at her.
"Catch on? Catch on to what? That you wanted to prove to Eric how tough you are? That you're sadistic, just like he is?"
I'm not going to lie, that hurt. That hurt a lot. I am nothing like Eric. Nothing. And if she's going to see me like him, I'm going to have to change something.. I fight to stay calm, I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. I get closer to her.
"I am not sadistic. If I wanted to hurt you, don't you think I would have already?" Her eyes widen and I push myself away from her before I do something I'll regret.
I stab a knife into a table. The blade wobbles a little and before I slam to door, I hear her protest weakly, "I-I.." But I'm already gone.
And I hate myself.
