A/N: Chapter two yes. Thank you to those of you who reviewed!
To the reviewer who asked me about what I meant by "not exactly the faithful type", it's just a reference to the type of boyfriend/husband Tommy has been in the past (in the show, not my story.) Not that he's ever cheated on Jude, but he cheated on Portia and possibly also on Sadie, and then presumably on a lot of women before that. Tommy is, and always will be, a ladies' man to a certain extent. He flirts, he has a history of sleeping around, etc. That's a well-established character trait of Tommy, and that's all that meant. It wasn't foreshadowing or anything :)
The next evening, Tommy and Jude drove home from the studio in increasingly tense silence. Neither of them had mentioned anything about the pregnancy all day, but it was a clear elephant in the room. When they walked into the apartment, Jude wanted to head straight for her music room and lock the door, but Tom caught her wrist, saying gently "Hey. Can we talk about this please?"
Jude sighed, turning back around to face him. "Fine."
"Jude, if you need more time–"
"It's fine." She said.
"So..." Tommy said. "What do you want to do?"
"You first."
Tommy shook his head. "You first."
"On three." She rolled her eyes and counted down, though she felt silly.
"I think we should keep it." Tommy said, at the same time Jude said "I can't have a baby right now."
Tommy's face fell, and they both stood in surprised silence. "You... want a kid?" Jude asked quietly after a long moment.
"You don't?"
Jude sighed in response and looked down at her feet. Tommy said "Okay, look. All day, all I could think about was you." Jude looked up, surprised. His look was tender, pleading. "I know we've been all kinds of unstable in the past, and I know the timing isn't ideal, but I love you, Jude. I want all of you with me forever."
"Oh, Tommy, I..." She said softly.
"And when I think about having a baby with you, I can't think of anything I want more. Think about it." Jude was shaking her head, but Tommy continued "A perfect little blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby girl. And she'd be all ours, Jude. Holding her in my arms, teaching her to play piano–"
"Stop!" Jude said, more forcefully then she'd meant to. Tommy cut off, looking hurt. She continued, putting a hand on his shoulder, gently. "I love you too. So, so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but that's not what this is. You make having a baby sound like some fairytale, but it wouldn't be! It wouldn't be joy and love and rainbows, it would be constant screaming, and changing diapers, and waking up at two in the morning..." She became increasingly agitated as she spoke, knotting her hands in her hair in frustration. "We couldn't work, Tommy! How could I go in to record or shoot a music video if there's a kid needing to be fed, and changed, and–"
"We could get a nanny!" Tommy protested.
"Okay, a nanny for, what, eight hours a day? Ten? That still means no more industry parties, no more late nights. How can I write if there's a baby screaming? How can I tour with a child? My career would be over!"
"Your career isn't everything!" He shouted, exasperated.
Jude stared at him for a second, mouth open slightly. "Fine, then." She said quietly. "What about yours?"
"My career?" Tommy scoffed. "What career? I'm just your wing man, Jude. I haven't had a career of my own for years. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love working with you, but it's not..."
"That's not what I meant." She said, shaking her head. "I heard the album, Tommy."
"What?"
"I heard it. Your album. The tracks you recorded. You didn't think I knew about it, but I found them."
"That..." Tommy sighed "is not an album. It's just some half-assed songs."
"No way. The recordings are rough, sure, but your music is so good, Tom. You're so talented. So talented. I didn't say anything before because I didn't want to push you, but you need to share that music with the world. It's what you've always dreamed of, remember?"
"It could still happen." he insisted. "Some day. Having a baby wouldn't be the end of our lives. We can put our careers on hold for a year, maybe two, and then I can think about releasing an album, or you can go on another tour. You can still be a rock star, you'll just be a rock star and a mom."
Jude was shaking her head vigorously. "No. No. I'm barely 21! I'm too fucking young for this!"
"I'm not!" He protested. "I'm 28, Jude.
She groaned "So we're back to this, then? Back to the age difference?"
"I've spent my whole life being stupid and shallow and famous, and running away from what I wanted, but now I've finally found it, found you, and I'm not running! For God's sake Jude, this isn't just your decision! You can't– This is my baby too!"
"But it's my body!" She shouted.
"You're worried about your figure?!" Tommy asked, incredulous.
"No! That's not what I meant!" She sighed exasperatedly and tried another angle, saying a little more calmly, "You honestly think we're ready for kids Tommy? All of that responsibility? All of that commitment? Really? You?"
"What, so you don't think I'd be a good dad?!" He was getting more and more upset.
"I'm not saying that. I'm just saying I don't know if I want to have to find that out right now."
"You don't trust me to take care of a baby!" Tommy accused, looking hurt and angry. He took a step towards her. "This isn't about your career, this is about me! You think I'll end up as some sort of deadbeat dad, that I can't handle the responsibility? What? Because of my past?"
"No! It is about my career, I also just... Of course I trust you."
"Then what?"
She was tentative to brooch the subject for fear of how he'd react, but the thought wouldn't leave her. "Okay, well, you and I both know that your mom wasn't exactly–"
"I am nothing like my mother!" Tommy roared.
"I'm not saying you're like her, I'm just saying–"
"Don't EVER compare me to my mother!" Tommy grabbed Jude hard by the shoulders. His fingers dug painfully into her upper arms, his face, furious, was terrifying above hers. "Do you hear me?! I am NOT her!"
"Tommy" Jude whimpered. "Tommy that hurts."
Immediately, the anger disappeared from his expression and he released her. She staggered back, clutching her arms. "Jude..." Tommy said quietly, reaching out to her. She flinched away and pain shot through Tommy's expression as he pulled back his hand. "I didn't mean to..." He whispered, his voice getting quieter and quieter as he spoke. "I'm so sorry, Jude, I am so so sorry."
Jude recovered as the pain in her arms abated and looked up at Tommy. He was standing frozen with his hand stretched out a little ways toward her, his expression heartbroken, eyes pleading into hers. They'd had a lot of awful fights, but he'd never once come close to hurting her physically (the time she'd hurt her hand punching him notwithstanding) and she didn't know how to react. All she felt was confusion. "Ow!" was the only word that came to her lips, a surprised breath.
Tommy seemed to crumple in on himself, and backed away from her. "I'm sorry." He whispered again.
"It's okay." Jude sighed, relaxing as the pain and the surprise faded.
"No it isn't."
"Yes, it is." She insisted, becoming more sure, moving towards him. It was he who flinched away this time, and her heart sank. "Don't overreact, Tommy, come on."
"I hurt you." He whispered. "All I ever do is hurt you."
Jude was familiar with this self-hate spiral of his. "Tommy, no. It's not a big deal. You didn't mean to hurt me. It's not like you hit me or anything, you just..."
"I got angry, and I hurt you. There's no excuse for that. How could I ever think that you'd want to have a baby with me when I'm–" He was shaking his head faster and faster. "You deserve better, Jude. You deserve better than this."
She started to panic as he put a hand on the doorknob. "That's a lie and you know it." She rushed forward and turned him towards her, putting her hand up to pull his face down to hers. "Tommy, please."
He relaxed his grip on the doorknob, putting a hand on her cheek, sliding his fingers through her hair. She tried to kiss him, but just as their lips met he pulled back. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean..." he whispered.
"Tommy, it's fine."
"It's not fine. I won't hurt you anymore." He turned to the door again.
"This is hurting me Tommy! If you leave me it will hurt me!"
"I'm not leaving you, I'll just give you some time, okay? Some space."
"I don't want space! I want you!" She pleaded, grabbing onto the back of his shirt.
"No you don't." He turned back to her, and she took his hands, clutching them tightly. "I have to go, Jude. I can't stay, I..." He trailed off.
Something snapped in her then, at the pain in her arms and the shame on his face, at the familiarity of the scene. She dropped his hands, her expression hardening as rage filled her. "How dare you?!" she shouted. "How dare you do this to me again? What happened to 'I'm not running'? How can you be so... so... weak?! Every single time, you run away the second it gets hard!"
He flinched at the word 'weak.' "I know."
"You can't do this to me! Not now!" It wasn't about the bruises she felt forming on her arms, or about his mom, or even about the pregnancy. It was about every time he'd walked out on her, every time he'd run away from their relationship, every single damn time he'd left her crying.
"Jude, I'm not... We're... You need–"
"You don't get to tell me what I fucking need!" She shouted. "If you walk out that door, I swear to god, Tommy, we're... we're..." The ultimatum died in her throat, which was closing with tears. "Don't you dare." She whispered.
"This is best, Jude. I'll call, alright?" He said, and turned the knob, walking quickly through the doorway and down the hall.
"Don't bother!" Jude screamed after him. Tommy flinched as she slammed the door behind him, but kept walking, fighting back tears, his mind swirling with guilt and pain and regret.
Inside the apartment that only recently had begun to really feel like their home, Jude screamed, kicking over a chair and scattering mail from the counter in a sudden burst of violence that did very little to make her feel better, before dissolving into tears again on the floor.
