I'm stuck.
After wallowing for a good five hours, headache-free, I decided to exercise my way out of the breakup blues. And now, I'm stuck.
Honestly, I don't know why I thought to do yoga. Crunches, jumping jacks, and squats have always ended in destruction, but yoga? Someone told me this shit would be easy and have me calm as ever.
But here I am, stuck in a cross between a frog tongue and flamingo-legged position. My phone rings for the 57th time today, and I know it's one of my bozo friends trying to check up on me. They think I'm upset. Dying. Drowning in a flood of my own tears. None of them know that I'm okay; or I was up until five minutes ago. You would think after a year of friendship they would know my mood by now. Instead of being wary of how I have been taking the breakup, they should be showering me with cartons of Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream and Skittles. But no…fuck those guys.
I am actually doing okay, and I don't know why. Mike talked endlessly about our future, and although we'd only been together for two years, I listened. I now realize that he had always been the one to do all of the talking, and I followed along wordlessly. Was I naïve? Definitely so. He had been what I thought to be my first love, and I can't even tell you when I knew I 'loved' him. He said it and I merely replied the same. I want to wonder if I did love him, but I also don't want to harp on the relationship, you know?
I am okay. In need of something to eat, but okay.
So instead of waiting for my supposed friends to finally hop off of their slow ass warthogs and come to collect me, I venture out to Dave's Grocer.
If you ever want to get drunk and shop at the same time, head on over to Dave's! Unfortunately, I'm just not in the mood today. I'm here for spaghetti fixings and dessert. And chips. And pickles. And a bunch of other shit that I don't need but want anyway. I am a growing girl after all. This is going to be an amazing trip.
"Bella!" Oh fuck, it's her.
"Tanya," I grimace, the only logical reply to an encounter with the she-hyena. Her cackles will send you flying for the toilet. When I met her, I gained double the respect for Ward. Her big mouth must work wonders.
"Bel—", Oh the very nickname I detest, great, "I was so sorry to hear about your little breakup." I almost believed her. She managed to turn her silicone cheeks and needle-plumped up lips into a pout.
"Wow. Who told you? Was it that gossip of a boyfriend of yours?" He couldn't keep a secret if you stitched his lips closed.
"Oh you know Eddie can't keep a thing from his T," she places her hand to her heart, always so touched by that nickname. If only she knew why she had it. Hehe.
"I'm sure," I sigh, now determined to get her away from me, "so are you here for your monthly Vagisil pickup? Getting a little red again?" I gave Edward hell for a month after spotting Tanya's goodies here last month.
"I'm not sure what you mean by that Bella," she gives me, what I'm sure she believes is her most frightful glare, "and what I purchase by myself, is no one's business but my own."
"I know, but I like to make sure the girls my best friend sleeps with don't have dirty vaginas."
That isn't actually true. When I met Edward, he was as single as a cotton swab. Tanya The Hyena has only been around for a long, long, LONG, two months. I worry how I'll survive another encounter.
"You know, Mike probably left because you need to maintain more," she smiles at me. The bitch.
"Oh golly, will you teach me how T?," I smile up at her mockingly.
"Grow up Bella," she says and retreats towards the checkout counter. She'll never learn.
I pull my phone out of my back pocket and call 'Ward'.
"-ello?" he answers, mouth full of food I probably missed out on.
"Well I'm glad someone's eating," I say and head towards the produce section. I can be healthy too.
"Shit, we were gonna invite you, but we figured you wanted to be alone today," he replies with the saddest excuse ever. I sigh.
"Well its better that you stuff yourself with food, rather than stuff yourself in grimy Tanya."
"Are you at Dave's?" he asks.
"Yup," I pick up a couple mangoes and dump them into my cart.
"Again! She told me last time was the only time, and swore she'd stay away from pools and $3 swim suits for the rest of her life." He sounds angry.
"I wanted to scold you for believing that then, should I do it now?" I can't keep claiming him as my best friend if he continues to make such stupid decisions.
"Ugh," he groans, "I need to breakup with her."
"You should ask Mike for help. Maybe he'll do some type of two-for-one special." Do I like Apricots?
"Oh you think he'd Skype in for that?" he jokes.
"Wow. Rude. I was going to let you off the hook for dining out without me but now, I don't think so sir."
"Oh yeah," he chuckles, "what about the others?"
"Oh they're dead to me."
"What if they bought you a chocolate lava cake?"
"I'll bring a piece to the funeral and frame the receipt." Where the hell are the pickles? They're half of the reason why I came.
He laughs, "If I bring you the cake, will you forgive them and help me with Tanya?" he pleads.
BUT WAIT A MINUTE. Is he joking?
"Help you with Tanya how?" I inquire.
"Help me dump her? Finally" I want to shout for joy and do a dozen cartwheels, but that yoga from earlier has me fucked up. Maybe he'll give me a massage later.
"Yes!" I shout, because who cares. This is a day of celebration.
"Great," he says, "come over my place around 8." I would argue that he's almost as excited as I am.
"I'm there. Can I bring the cream?" I grin.
"BB no."
"Aww c'mon. We could stack on the your coffee table in the shape of a T. Or we could order a cake in the shape and design of Vagisil." My mind is so flooded with ideas to rid our lives of the hyena that I don't notice he's hung up on me.
Rude.
A/N: Okay, so I'm back again. Will update soon
