Gleetastic Satirical FanFic

Chapter 2

A hush fell over the theatre as everyone watched Liza walking Blaine down the steps of the auditorium. Kurt slowly made his way off the stage towards Blaine.

Kurt said, "Honey, what are you doing here? You should be home in bed resting."

Blaine replied, "I was worried about you. You were supposed to be at my house an hour ago. I tried to call you, but you didn't answer your phone. I thought something happened to you so I got out of bed to come find you. I didn't know if you were sick, or lying in a ditch, or covered in slushy."

Kurt said, "Awwwww, sweetie. Thanks for loving me, and worrying about me." He wrapped his arms around Blaine.

Blaine pulled away and shouted, "Don't touch me. Just don't."

"Blaine, baby."

Blaine shouted, "Don't Blaine baby me. I was worried sick about you. And you were here. Singing and dancing with not just the New Directions, but my Pips as well. How could you? You know that performing is my thing. How can you let people love and adore your singing when I'm not there to steal the attention away? How could you do this to me when I was lying home alone on my sick bed, just waiting for you to come give me some chunky monkey ice cream and a sponge bath?"

Kurt took a step closer to Blaine, his arms out to embrace his first love. "We can still do that, Blaine. I'll make it up to you. I'll give you a peanut butter cilantro facial."

"Don't touch me," Blaine exclaimed as he swatted Kurt's arms away. "I can't believe you did this, Kurt. After all I did for you. I nearly lost an eye when I jumped in front of that slushy for you. I took a slushy in the face just so your Marc Jacobs leather biker jacket wouldn't get ruined by the slushy. I still don't even know if I'll be able to bat my right eyelash anymore, and what if I lose my eyebrow?"

"Blaine baby, I'm sorry."

"I transferred schools for you," Blaine snapped. "I left behind the fashionable style of that sweet blue blazer with red piping for you. I even started wearing Capri pants for you just so you would have easy access to my ankles to please you with your ankle fetish."

Kurt lifted up Blaine's pajama bottoms, and said, "Oh sweet nectar of Blaine ankles, how I love to nibble and kiss thee."

Blaine batted Kurt's arm away, and said, "I said don't touch me."

Finn said, "Don't touch him, Kurt. No means no. You don't seem to understand that. Not understanding no means no is not awesome, Kurt."

Blaine took a step back. "I can't even look at you. You're a mess. Drinking tequila. Licking other boys. You smell like the boys bathroom next to the gym. I mean, your shirt tail isn't even tucked in. The man in front of me isn't the man I fell in love with. I just can't be around you right now."

Blaine turned his back on Kurt and started to run up the steps, stumbling on his way, but getting back up.

Kurt ran after him shouting, "Blaine, wait! I'm sorry. We had plans tonight after the chunky monkey. We were going to play gay pirate and wench. I have my barmaid wench costume in my Louis Vuitton satchel." He pulled the costume out of his bag.

Even with one bad eye, Blaine's athleticism was too much for effeminate Kurt to keep up with. By the time Kurt reached the doorway, Blaine was nowhere to be seen. As Kurt bounded through the door of the auditorium after his lover, he ran right into Tina.

Kurt said, "Oh, hey Tina. I didn't see you there."

Tina said, "It's OK, Kurt. No one ever really sees me. Not even my boyfriend Mike Chang, no relation."

Kurt said, "I don't have time for small talk, Tina. Did you see which way Blaine went?"

Tina pointed to the far end of the school, and said, "He went that way-towards the one handicapped entrance to the school. I wonder what Principal Figgins did with all of that money Coach Sylvester gave him to make new handicapped ramps because he never had them built."

Kurt snapped, "Not now, Tina. I must catch up to Blaine."

Kurt darted down the hallways towards the handicapped entrance to the school.

As Blaine got to the handicapped entrance to the school, he turned back and looked out of his one good eye to see if Kurt was behind him, but Kurt was nowhere to be seen. He had gotten away. He flung the door open and stepped out into the cool January Ohio air as snowflakes fluttered around him.

Blaine said, "Liza, girl, we need to get out of here before Kurt finds us. Help me get home, girl."

Liza started to bark at something that Blaine couldn't see to his right.

Blaine asked, "What is it, girl? Is it something to help us make a fast exit? Take me there, girl."

Liza started to lead Blaine to a car parked on the side of the road. A lone man wearing a blue blazer with red piping was leaning against the car.

Blaine gasped. "Sebastian."

Sebastian said, "Hey sex on a stick."

Blaine took a step back and said, "Stay away from me. You did this to me. You are the reason I'm wearing this eye patch. You are the reason that I may never bat my right eyelash again. You are the reason I may lose my right eyebrow. You're the reason that I just got in a fight with Kurt."

"I know you are upset, Blaine," Sebastian said as he bowed his head in shame. "You should be upset with me. Hitting you with that slushy is the worst thing I ever did in my life, and I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I meant to hurt Kurt. Please accept my apology. I am deeply sorry. I would never hurt anyone with such a smoking hot sex on a stick body like yours."

Blaine said, "OK, I'll forgive you because clearly you know that I am wonderful and perfect."

Sebastian said, "Let me make it up to you. Let me give you a ride home in my Hummer 3. Look. I have a rainbow flag hanging from my rearview mirror."

Blaine said, "OK, but hurry. I'm trying to get away from Kurt."

Sebastian opened the door, and Blaine and Liza climbed into the car.

As Kurt opened the door to the handicapped entrance to the school, he saw Blaine climbing into a Hummer 3. He started to run towards the car when he saw Sebastian closing the door for Blaine.

Sebastian turned to start walking around to the driver's side, and saw Kurt. He smirked at Kurt and got into the car. He started it up with a loud rev of the engine and peeled out of the parking space.

Kurt fell to his knees and screamed, "Blaaaaaaiiiiinnnnneeeeee! Noooooooo!"

Kurt watched as the Hummer 3 drove out of site with the love of his life, taking all of his hopes and dreams away with it.

Slowly, Kurt stood up, and despondently made his way into the school through the handicapped entrance. He wandered despondently around the school when he heard someone singing nearby. He found himself drawn to the sound, and followed it.

Kurt found himself standing outside of Principal Figgins office. Figgins was standing on top of his desk wearing his Mumbai Air flight attendant uniform with the pant legs rolled up so his anti-embolism stockings were showing.

"Shake shake shake. Shake shake shake. Shake for you Figgy. Shake your Figgy," Principal Figgins crooned as he gyrated his hips to the song.

Kurt was mesmerized by the sweet sound of Principal Figgins voice, the tight fit of his Mumbai Air uniform that left nothing to the imagination, and the gyration of his hips. Kurt pressed his face up against the glass to watch.

"Shake shake shake. Shake shake shake. Shake your Figgy. Shake your Figgy"

Principal Figgins spun around on his desk and saw he had an audience. "Oh, Kurtwood. I didn't realize you were there."

Kurt blushed, embarrassed at being caught watching Principal Figgins dance. He said, "I'm sorry, Principal Figgins. I heard you singing, and I couldn't help but watch."

Principal Figgins climbed off his desk, and said, "Come in, Kurtwood. Sit."

Kurt stepped into Principal Figgin's office, and noticed the tantalizing aroma of the incense Principal Figgins was burning. He said, "No one has called me by my full first name since my mother died, Principal Figgins."

Principal Figgins said, "I always call people by their full first name, Kurtwood. And please, call me Figgy. It's after hours. I'm not your principal right now. I'm your friend."

"OK, Figgy."

Figgy said, "Is everything alright, Kurtwood? You look like you have been crying."

"I got in a fight with Blaine," Kurt said. "He took off with Sebastian. Sebastian is evil. He should be excommunicated from the show choir program, and from the state of Ohio."

Figgy got a real serene, peaceful look on his face at the mere mention of Blaine's name. "Oh, Blaine. He is the perfect specimen of man. One look at his face would end all war and bring peace to our world."

"I know, Figgy," Kurt said. "I didn't believe in God until Blaine came into my life, but then I knew God existed. Blaine is the second coming of Christ."

Figgy said, "You are right, Kurtwood. I once saw Blaine walk on water. And he makes the most amazing Kool Aid I have ever tasted."

"Oh yes, Figgy," Kurt said with a smile. "When that Kool Aid passed through my virgin lips, I knew that my life would never be the same because I knew that I had found the true meaning of perfect now that I knew Blaine."

"So tell me what happened between you and Blaine, Kurtwood?"

Kurt said, "I was supposed to bring him some chunky monkey and give him a foot massage, but I stayed here at school and danced with the New Directions and the Warblers instead. Blaine caught me." Kurt began to cry.

Figgy walked around the desk, and started to massage Kurt's shoulders. He said "Everything will be OK, Kurtwood." He leaned down close and whispered in Kurt's ear, "Let Uncle Figgy help you through this, Kurtwood."

Kurt was overcome by the sweet smell of curry coming from Figgy's breath. He said, "Oh, Figgy."

Figgy said, "Let Uncle Figgy sooth your pain, sweet Kurtwood Elizabeth Hummel. I know I'm not that Adonis Blaine but I can fulfill all of your needs." He ran his hand across Kurt's soft, moisturized cheek.

"We can't, Figgy," Kurt said. You are my principal. I am your student. It's not right."

"It is because I am principal that we can do this, Kurtwood," Figgy said. "I run this school. No one is punished for their misdeeds. Not Karofsky when he bullied you. Not Sue when she pushed the school nurse down the stairs. Not Shelby when she slept with Puck. Not Terri Schuster when she got all the kids hopped up on vitamin D. Not the New Directions when they were drunk at the alcohol awareness assembly. We can do this because I, as principal of this school, will overlook it and allow it to happen, Kurtwood Elizabeth Hummel."

"Oh my Figgy. I love your power."

Kurt and Figgy slowly moved in for a kiss, but at the last second, Kurt turned his head and pushed Figgy away.

"No," Kurt said. "We can't do this. You look really hot in your polyester Mumbai Air uniform and anti-embolism stockings, but I am meant to be with Blaine. It is canon. Blaine is my soul mate. If I give into temptation and kiss you, I will no longer have the chance to spend the rest of my life with Blaine. If I am not with Blaine, I'll never get into NYADA, and neither will Rachel. We will wind up as singing waitresses at Johnny Rocket's at the Lima Mall, always wondering what might be. I must go, Figgy."

"It has been written," Figgy said. "Kurtwood and Blaine forever. Go forth, young Kurtwood, and make this right."

Kurt ran out of Figgins office.

Sebastian pulled his Hummer 3 up in front of Blaine's house. As Blaine was about to open the door, Sebastian reached over and touched Blaine's arm. "Blaine, wait."

Blaine turned to Sebastian, batted his good eyelash, and said, "Yes, Sebastian."

Sebastian said, "Blaine, now that you have forgiven me, give me a chance. Seeing what you and Kurt had makes me want that kind of relationship with another man. I am done sleeping around. I want to spend all of my days sleeping with you. You are sex on a stick, and none of the 537 men I have slept with in the past year can live up to you."

Blaine smiled and said, "I know I'm wonderful and desirable, Sebastian. You are not the first man to want me, but I can't do this right now. Not here. Not now. I just got in a fight with Kurt. I need to think this through and decide what is the right thing for me right now."

"Forget about Kurt, Blaine," Sebastian said. "I am more of a man than Kurt will ever be. I have experience. I can do things in bed that you never imagined even in your wildest dreams. Kurt is just a fair maiden."

"You're wrong about Kurt, Sebastian," Blaine said. "Underneath all those layers is a body to behold. He has abs as hard and smooth as marble. Kurt is a sex machine."

"Please, Blaine," Sebastian said. "Be with me. I commit myself fully to you. Marry me, Blaine." He pulled a ring box out of his blazer pocket and opened it for Blaine.

Blaine gasped at the large diamond ring in front of him. "No, Sebastian. I can't. I need to try to work things out with Kurt. We are soul mates. It is canon. We belong together. I need time to think about things, and see if Kurt is meant to be mine."

Sebastian closed the ring box and said, "I will give you that time, Blaine, but know that I will always be waiting in the wings for that moment when Kurt breaks your heart."

Blaine got out of the car, and Liza led him into his house. He climbed back into his sick bed and cradled Liza lovingly in his arms.

"We will figure this out, girl. We will see if Kurt is meant to be your papa."