Author's Notes: Soo, I am glad to see others share my predication for Gintama's er toilet humor. I guess this is going to be 3 parts after all. No lemons in this, just some slight groping. My only question after you get to the end of this part, who should top? I haven't decided yet. In my fics, I tend to make Hiji top just because the majority of doujins and fics have Gin treating our poor ol' demonic vice-commander as his bitch. I have no real preference, other than I think Hiji is too manly to take it all the time so that's why I like him on top. Gin is such a giant goofball I can easily see him (evilly) topping from the bottom. I actually see them more as a switch couple, but for this first time I haven't decided who gets to do the deed yet. Leave comments if you will to tell me how you like the story, and if you have a preference. I can't swear I will go with it but it might persuade me.
He was standing in the yorozuya's bedroom when a small measure of sanity began to return to him. What the hell was he doing? Were they really going to compare their asses? What were they, twelve? At least China and the Shimura kid weren't around. Hijikata didn't know how he would have handled seeing them right now. Gintoki had ushered him in here as soon as they arrived and had then left to go "grab the necessary tools." Tools, what tools? What kind of tools were required when comparing your ass to someone else's'? Rulers to measure their ass hair? Damn, he was losing it! He shuffled his feet apprehensively, gazing longingly at the door and wondering if he could sneak out before Gintoki came back.
"The great, demon Vice-Commander losing his nerve?" the mocking question caused him to jerk around as Gintoki entered from another room.
"Please," Hijikata scoffed, even though he still wanted to escape, "I figured you must have gotten scared and ran away, you were gone so long. Afraid your hairy butt's going to lose to my nice, silky, smooth one?"
Gah, what am I saying? he thought desperately. This is insane. Someone stop us, please. I will give you 3,000 yen if you just stop ussss!
Gintoki also seemed to have a frantic look in his eyes, but he snorted (though it had a hollow ring to it) and said, "Don't make me laugh. I think you are the one who is terrified your ass is going to look like a gorilla's butt next to my pearl-like bottom."
Hijikata took a threatening step toward the silver-haired idiot, but Gintoki shoving something in his midsection stopped him.
"Oomf!" he grunted, grabbing onto it reflexively. "What the fuck is this?"
In his hands, was a large, over-sized hand-mirror. Gintoki held a similar one in hands.
"It's a mirror, you retard," Gintoki replied blandly.
Gnashing his teeth so hard, he was sure blood was seeping from his mouth, Hijikata snapped, "I know it's a mirror, asswipe! I mean, what is it for?"
"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm not just going to take your word about how smooth my ass is. In addition to showing it to each other, we will also look at our own asses. That way, we can be sure the other guy isn't lying just to win."
Huh, yeah that made sense. They needed to be able to prove the other person wasn't lying—no! In what twisted, fucked up world did any of this make sense? If any of the other Shinsengumi members, especially Sougo, knew he had been looking at his own ass in a mirror, hewould have to commit seppuku! Why, oh why, had he let himself get tangled up with this bastard again? He had completely ignored his own warnings. Damn, he needed a vacation from his life!
"Alright, let's do this," Gintoki's grimly spoken command brought him out of his inner contortions. He looked up to see the man had discarded the kimono he always wore and was now standing there, hands undoing his belt buckle. When Gintoki saw Hijikata wasn't moving, he scowled. "Bastard, start stripping. I want to hurry and get this over with."
Oh, God. Oh Buddha. Oh, Colonel Sanders! It was really happening. His life was over. How could a man go back to living a righteous, upstanding existence after comparing his ass hair to someone else's? Fumbling with his own belt, he watched Gintoki. An unspoken agreement passed between them and they pushed down their pants and underwear at the same time.
Avoiding looking down there, Gintoki stared into Hijikata's eyes and said, "Alright, first we'll look at our own asses in the mirror to get an initial assessment. Then, we'll each turn around so the other guy can see. Finally, we will look in the mirror again to compare what we just saw to our own butts again? Agreed?"
Hijikata could only nod. This whole thing was stupid to the one-hundredth degree, but with his pants and boxers around his ankles, he couldn't back out now.
"Ok, on three, bend over and look at your butt," Gintoki continued. He sounded strained, and Hijikata saw a drop of sweat roll down his face. It was getting to him, too. Hell, they were both idiots, but it was too late for them now. "One. Two. Three."
In a whoosh of air, the pair doubled over and shoved the mirrors between their legs, carefully ensuring their joysticks weren't injured in the process. Hijikata had never seen his own ass before. It was definitely unnerving to see it up close like this, much less scrutinize it as he was. To his satisfaction, however, there wasn't a hair in sight. With a triumphant "Hah!" he straightened and gave Gintonki a smug look.
"Smooth as a baby's bottom," he crowed, forgetting how moments ago he had been considering their antics asinine and juvenile.
"Hmpf," Gintoki smirked, "that's my line. There's no hair marring my tush."
"I'll believe it when I see it," Hijikata stuck a cigarette in his mouth and sneered.
"Me, too. So, turn around."
"Hah?" the cigarette almost fell from his lips as his mouth parted in surprise. "Why do I have to go first? You turn around."
"Oh, I couldn't. You're the guest. It's only polite to let you first."
Polite my ass, you just want to delay your turn!Dammit! Hijikata wanted to argue some more, but he didn't see any way out of it. They were already in too deep. Mustering his courage, he spun around and stared blankly at the wall. He knew his face was on fire. He could feel it. Fuuuck, this was humiliating! The only sound in the room was the nervous pounding of his heart. The air stirred behind him and he swore he felt something light and feathery caress his bottom. Flipping around, he found Gintoki still standing in the same spot he had been before Hijikata had turned around. A placid, almost bored expression on his face.
Slate eyes narrowing, Hijikata asked quietly, "Did you just touch my ass?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Hijikata-kun. Please don't just go around accusing people of being perverts. It could really damage someone's reputation," the words were spoken blithely.
Feeling suspicious, but unable to pinpoint why, Hijikata stared at Gintoki for a minute more before motioning for him to turn around.
"Alright, dick-head. Your turn."
Paling slightly, Gintoki swallowed audibly before jerking to face the opposite direction. At the first sight of perfectly formed, twin globes, Hijikata felt like someone had sucked all of the air from the room. His eyes zeroed in on that tight, round ass and he actually found himself clinching and unclenching his hands as his fingers tingled with the need to squeeze and massage. Shit, something was seriously screwed up in his head. However, he couldn't stop himself. On panther-light feet, he padded across the room, pulled by some invisible string. Reaching out a finger that trembled slightly, he outlined the sleek curve of one taught buttock. The flesh was hot, firm, and indeed as silken as had been advertised.
Gintoki jerked at the touch, whipping his head back to stare at Hijikata with wide, disbelieving eyes.
"Bastard, what the hell are you doing?"
Hijikata gazed into those reddish-brown eyes and smiled. A dark, predatory smile, though he wasn't aware of it. "You have a mole here," he traced the small mark with his fingernail.
The other man shivered, goose bumps breaking out along his skin. Seeing this sent a wave of satisfaction coursing through Hijikata's body. He refused to question why. This whole day was fucked up anyway, so he was simply going to chalk anything that happened up to that fact.
"Even if I do have a mole, it doesn't give you the right to poke my ass!" Gintoki's voice was strangled while he batted Hijikata's hand away.
"Hmm," Hijikata hummed noncommittally, "but you do realize this means I win?"
"Why would my having a mole, ifI had one, make you the winner?" there was a healthy dose of mistrust in the yorozuya's voice.
Imitating the evil grin Gintoki was usually directing at him, Hijikata happily answered. "Because, we didn't just say we would see had the less hair on their ass. We said who had the smoothestass. Well, my ass is unmarred by anything but you have this little, puffy blemish here." He pushed it again for emphasis.
"Quit poking, me, dammit!" Gintoki growled, knocking his hand away again.
"Anyway," Hijikata continued easily, feeling unfathomably happy, "this bump here makes your bottom less smooth than mine, and ergo I win."
"I don't believe it! I'm going to look for myself. I don't remember seeing any mole."
Bending over, Gintoki brought his mirror up and began inspecting his butt with grim intensity. Something about that position made Hijikata feel warm and out of breath. Trying to cover up this bizarre reaction, he coughed and lifted the mirror he held in his own hand.
"Would you like to use this one as well to get a better look? Why do you have two hand mirrors anyway?"
"No, I don't need it," Gintoki's voice was slightly muffled from the way he was standing. "And I need two so I can see my hair from all angles. Don't underestimate the pain of a natural-perm, you silky-haired bastard! All smug just because the author gave you perfect hair."
Hijikata ignored Gintoki's grumblings, instead focusing on the part where the other man had actually complimented him. In an insulting, contrary kind of way. He was more pleased by it than he should be.
"It's nice of you to compliment my hair," he said in amusement, "but that doesn't change the situation. You still have a mole right there." He rubbed over it again. "And that means, you still lose."
"Asshole, I said—"
"Gin-san, they had a three-for-one sale on toilet paper so we stock—," a new voice broke in, interrupting Gintoki's protests. Two pairs of eyes flew with horror to the doorway where two other sets of eyes stared back with shock and disgust. Hijikata tried to picture the scene from where they stood. Gintoki bent over, a mirror between his legs. Hijikata's hand on his ass, a second mirror in his other hand. Yeah, it didn't look bad at all. As if! It looked perverted as hell! He wanted to crawl into a hole and diiiie!
The Shimura kid looked at them, antipathy on his face. Quickly covering China's eyes, he pulled the girl away.
"Let's go, Kagura-chan, before you get contaminated. We'll go stay the night at Sis's house."
"Gin-chan, how could you?" the girl was crying as the boy dragged her away. "Mother didn't raise you to be such a dirty adult. Waaaah!"
A door slammed violently, and then there was nothing but silence. For about a minute. Until Gintoki snapped out of his stupor and turned on Hijikata. He grabbed the Shinsensumi by the throat and slammed him against the wall.
"Argh, Shinpachi and Kagura think I'm some kind of freak now," he pointed to the doorway where the two had been standing. "How are you going to make this up to me? Take responsibility, you bastard."
"Make it up to you?" Hijikata shouted back. "This whole thing is all your fault to begin with. You assaulted me. Made some ridiculous wager about our asses. And do you realize neither of us have any pants on at the moment! Your junk is touching my junk in case you hadn't noticed, idiot!"
It was true. When Gintoki had thrown him against the wall, their bodies had pressed together. There was nothing but air between their lower halves, and scant little of that as close as they were. This whole day had been one disaster after another, and the responsibility lay squarely with one Sakata Gintoki. Tenuous restraint snapping like a broken twig under his foot, Hijikata told rational thought to go fuck itself and let all his anger, frustration and that hidden emotion he hadn't dared name until now roar to the surface. In a fraction of a second, he picked Gitnoki up, slung him over his shoulder, and then threw him down on the futon in the center of the room.
TBC
