Author's Notes:
I swore I wasn't going to write a babyfic sequel (it was part of my original end notes, damn it!), but since Spike wanting the chance to give Buffy kids was a big part of the epilogue, it set me to thinking about how I would never turn Spike human in this verse... and how else they might have kids... and then I was thinking about that favor Spike owes Hallie... and BAM! There it was. Convergence.
Eight months after the first miscarriage, Buffy had happily shared the news that she was thirteen weeks along. Smiles and congratulations had abounded. Those blissful, euphoric days didn't last. Within a week, a subdued Spike was sharing the less happy news as Buffy lay in the hospital, refusing to talk to anybody, even him.
Buffy's fingers were squeezing his so tightly he was sure at least two of his digits were broken, but he didn't say a thing as they left the hospital and a weary but radiant Dawn.
"I want to try again," she said. "I'm ready."
"Sweetheart…"
"Look, I know you think I'm crazy, but… God, Spike, I want this. So badly. And – it's not just because of Dawnie and Rick's new baby. I've been thinking about it for a few months. A lot of women have miscarriages. With what I've put this body through, it's no surprise. I'll be so careful. Visit the doctor every week, eat the best foods. We can do this."
She hadn't said anything the third time, although the others had guessed and fussed over her just the same. When she'd lost the baby at twelve weeks, something in her had snapped.
Buffy was taking her inability to carry a child personally, as though she wasn't good enough to be a mother. But it had been close to a year now since the third miscarriage, and Spike missed his wife, missed the closeness that had ebbed away with each further loss. Playing the part of a patient and understanding husband wasn't bringing them back together, and he'd had enough. Frustrated with her withdrawal and her moping, he yelled at her to snap out of it.
"We can love a child that's not of my DNA," he said, anger making him harsh. "If you don't want to adopt, find yourself a sperm donor, see if that works out better."
She snapped out of it, all right.
He was a bit ashamed to admit that his wife was thrashing him so thoroughly. With one final kick to his manhood, she stormed off from the cemetery they'd been patrolling, leaving him to limp home behind her.
Spike was even more reluctant to admit he might have deserved a thrashing, though the thought did nothing to diminish his anger.
He didn't follow her home.
"Spike – what happened?" Willow gasped when she opened the door.
He tottered inside and collapsed on their couch with a groan, grateful to get off his feet.
"Was there a demon?" Tara asked, and his answering laughter bordered on hysterical.
"Just me," he sputtered out between high-pitched laughs. "That's me. Just a sodding demon."
Days later, he was still taking up residence in the witches' spare room, listening as Buffy sat in the living room below, sobbing on Tara's shoulder.
"So… I thought… well, sperm donor – I've had enough with the icky, cold prodding and all that. Why not do it the fun way? The way Spike said it – like he didn't care if I was with… I was gonna do that. Find a cute guy, get knocked up, same difference. What does it matter how another guy inseminates me, right? Or, that's what I said."
He heard a tearful sigh, and had to strain to hear her next words. "There was no way… I couldn't bear to even look at somebody else. I could never… I love Spike so much, Tara, and I don't want some other guy's… stuff… in me."
"Well, I think I understand that feeling," Tara said, and Buffy gave a watery snicker.
"Not just, you know, a penis… but not even… ew… sperm. I mean. Not Spike's, so, ew… And I can't believe I'm even having this conversation."
Neither could he. From the silence below, neither could Tara.
Eventually the once-blonde witch said, "Spike mentioned… well, he seems to think that maybe the technique isn't working."
"What else could it be?" Buffy sniffled. "I mean, hello, dead demon seed? Probably making some kind of mutant baby that… yeah."
Spike knew that wasn't what she believed, not in her heart of hearts. She thought it was her. But she was too bloody proud to admit it.
Fed up with the problems between them, the vampire stopped hiding in the spare room and walked downstairs, casual as you please. She'd called him to make sure he was okay, but beyond that terse exchange, this was the longest they'd gone without talking in years. "Hullo, pet," he said when she looked up, his smile tentative.
Buffy's eyes fixed on his, and he could see the hurt and confusion bubbling below the surface of those tearful green eyes.
Tara must have slipped out because they were suddenly alone. Buffy looked away. "I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I'm really, really sorry."
He was by her side in a flash, tipping her chin up. "It's okay."
"Don't forgive me," she said tonelessly, still avoiding his eyes. "I don't deserve it."
He couldn't help but be gentle with her. "Maybe, maybe not. But that's not what matters. What matters is I love you, and you love me, and we're going to get through this."
And with that she collapsed against him, clutching at him with keening sobs, his own tears mingling with hers.
"I don't deserve to be a mother," she said when she'd regained a modicum of self-control, caressing his face and examining him for any lingering trace of bruising. "I don't even deserve to be a wife."
Spike shook his head firmly. "It was a bad day. One bad moment does not a bad wife make," he said. "We all make mistakes. I know you've forgiven me far worse."
"I don't think so," she protested.
"I damn well know so."
Buffy wouldn't look at him again. Instead, she pulled the Gem of Amarra out of her pocket and handed it to him with a whispered, "Sorry." Taking the ring from her, he slipped it on then held her close, not saying a word. It was several minutes before she said, "It'll never happen again, I promise."
"I know." There was nothing else to say.
A few weeks later, the witches invited them over.
"So… um… Willow and I have been talking," Tara said after the pleasantries were through. "We were thinking about having another baby and… well, we really wanted to tell you first… after all you've been through."
"It's great news!" Buffy said cheerfully enough, though Spike could detect the false note in her perky words.
"The thing is…"
Tucking the hair that was still ethereally white behind her ears, Willow took over the conversation as her partner trailed off. "There's no easy way to do this, so I'm just gonna come right out and say it. We'd like to have a boy, but we know better than to mess around with nature that much. We couldn't conceive the same way as last time. 'Cause… no 'Y' chromosome between us. Which means we'd need…" she paused and exchanged glances with Tara. "And this may ick you out, considering what you told Tara, but we need a sperm donor." She said the next part all in one breath. "And we don't want to be insensitive to you, so if it's too much, tell us."
Buffy gaped like a fish. Spike squeezed her hand, offering up his silent support. "Please tell me you don't think I'm that bad of a friend," she finally said. "Yes, it would be hard… but… you can't put your life on hold just for me."
Both Tara and Willow seemed to slump in relief.
"So, uh… are you going to go anonymous, or…?"
The witches glanced at each other once more. "Well, we'd rather know the genes we're getting, but… not a lot of choices. There's no way we'd ask Anya to share Xander, and… yeah," Willow replied.
Maybe the blame didn't lie with Harris. Maybe (most likely) it rested with Spike himself. If he hadn't agreed to Buffy's insistent request that he help the witches out, she never would have convinced herself to try to have his child one more time. But when Willow gave birth to a healthy son, a son with his genes, it was all she could think about.
"Any decisions on whose genetic material you want to propagate?" Buffy asked with forced cheerfulness.
"No," Willow answered glumly. "It's a big thing, you know. Choosing a stranger. Harder than asking somebody you're friends with, even."
Buffy took the opportunity to put forth her idea. "Have you given any thought to… Spike?"
Eyeing her warily, Willow replied, "Well, we did actually. In a 'what if' kinda way. But... I could never ask that of you."
"I… I would be okay with it. If, you know, you were willing to take the chance. Of a miscarriage. I mean, it hasn't worked out for me so far," she said, doing her best to keep her voice calm and collected. "And we don't know if it's me or… him."
After a long, tense silence, Tara said, "We thought we might be willing to take that risk. Andrew… he's made some advancements since your last time. And out of all the men we know…"
"We like Spike," Willow finished, uncharacteristically blunt. "He's handsome, and smart, and a pretty decent guy when he's not all with the 'rrr'. But we figured it would be too awkward. Whether it worked or not, it would be awkward, and I really don't want our friendship to become strained."
"I know," Buffy reassured them, not letting on how hard she had to work at being happy around them as it was. "I've thought about it quite a bit. This isn't a spur of the moment offer."
She hesitated, then admitted, "Well, it's not really an offer yet, because I have no idea what Spike would say…"
