SCREECH

Claire: How come we keep stopping the story?

Katie: Because YOU keep having something to say!

Claire: Oh. We need a name for the new Hogwarts bar.

Katie: Brainwaves . . .aaaand. . . YES! The Horny Hamster!!!!

Claire: I'm a genius!

Katie: What? You didn't come up with that, I did!

Claire: Fine, but I still get the credit.

Katie: If you do, you have to snog Snape.

Claire: Fine, you get the credit!

Katie: But it doesn't include Snape.

Claire: No fair!

Katie: Yes, fair! The ends justify the means!

Claire: This conversation isn't going anywhere. Start that there story up again, lil' ol' doggies!



RARFRARFBOIBHBHBOHOOBOOOOWOOHOOWOOV( psycho doggies)



All of a sudden, they found themselves standing in front of a painting of two very enthusiastic hamsters. "Here we go," Katie said, satisfied. "Perfect."

"So do we tickle the cheap lolly in the corner, or what?"

"As a matter of fact. . ."

"Say no more." Claire stepped forward and poked the lolly with her index finger. "Ouch! That's a hard lolly. . ."

"That doesn't sound quite right, Claire."

"Piss off. Wait- I didn't mean that- I'm PMS-ing!"

"Whatever. Just walk through the door that mysteriously appeared in the wall."



They made their way down a spiral staircase into a large room, filled with pool tables, leather upholstery, and a bar at the far end. "The Horny Hamster," sighed Katie blissfully. "Leather. . ."

"You designed this, didn't you, Katie."

"Maybe."

"Whatever." Claire rolled her eyes, no doubt thinking about Katie's fast-coming leather fetish. "Let's get some people in here."

'Well, we have a bartender." As though on cue, Gilderoy Lockhart waved cheerily from behind the bar.

"Katie! Why'd you put that monstrosity in here?"

"Muahahahahaha. . ."

"Take him out of the story this instant!"

"Pleeeeese? Can we keep him?"

"Fine. But he can't get any."

"Any what?"

"Read my lips, Katie."

"Ah. Right. Not even with McGonagall?"

"Well . . ."

"You wouldn't let me do the Hagrid love letters."

"We'll leave that open."

Draco walked idly in, looking around.

"Draco, darling!" Katie seemed to have forgotten about the laptop incident. "There's a lovely little closet over there. . ."

"Katie, give me the laptop."

Katie pouted. "You never let me have any fun."

"You can go ahead in the closet, I just want to make sure the laptop incident doesn't get repeated."

"Fine." Draco and Katie snogged up the spiral staircase that led into the nice, cosy 'closet', which just so happened to contain a bed, six aerosol cans of whipped cream, and some well- polished chains.



McGonagall walked in, looking scandalized. Claire groaned. "No, not you again. I thought we erased you! I'll just rewrite this scene."



Harry walked in. (Claire: that's better.) "Hi, Harry! You don't happen to know where Ron is, for no particular reason that is. . .I know he's your friend, and, um, well, I just happened to wonder where he was . . ."

Claire gave an uncomfortable laugh. "Not that I was looking for him for any particular reason, that is . . ."

Harry looked at her skeptically.

"Fine. If you really want to know, I really want to snog him and need to know where he is so I can snog him. Any ideas?"

Harry reflected on the possible effect of silence, but decided against it. "Actually, he's coming now."

Claire brightened. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"Cool, man! Uh huh, uh huh- wait, I'm not a hippie!"

Katie called from her closet. "Yeah, sure you're not! You're just a treehugger!!!"

Harry started to snog Claire, who laughed, but pushed him away. "Sorry. Katie and I made a deal that we'd only snog you if both Ron and Draco were cows and penguins respectively."



Harry's lip quivered, and a tear leaked out of the corner of his eye. "You mean-" he sniffed. "I'm only second choice? Of all the rotten luck!"

Claire snickered. "'Rotten luck? Tee hee hee!" Harry let out an anguished sob.

"Don't worry, Harry-poo! I'll comfort you in your misery." Gilderoy Lockhart held out his arms. Harry looked terrified and ran off the page, screaming.





"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Voldemort came barging in. "I have gotten you at your weakest, Potter! Never think-" he stopped. "Hey, where is he?"

Katie came out of the broom closet and rolled her eyes. "My, you're really up on things, aren't you? He ran off sobbing, like five seconds ago."

Voldemort slapped his forehead. "Bad Mortie! You shouldn't have watched the credits for Barney today! Oh, well. . .I'll see you later, then."

"Turrah!" Claire giggled. "I can't believe it. . .of all the rotten luck,' hee hee hee. . ."

"Get over it." Katie readjusted her leopard skin bra strap and sighed. "You know, Draco and Harry are fine, but you know who this is missing?"

"The King of Dead- Sexiness?" Claire said hopefully.

"Yes?" Draco stuck his head out of the closet. "You called?"

"Oh, bugger off!" Katie shook her head. "Some people are so conceited. No, I'm talking about-"

"Charlie Weasley!"

"No."

"Snape! Just kidding," Claire added quickly.

"You'd better be- but, no. Think even sexier."

"Ron!"

"Are you kidding? He didn't even enter the pageant. Anybody else?"

"Are you dissing up my boyfriend?"

"No! Think harder."

"You're sure?"

"Yes! Think!"

"Fred Weasley?"

"No."

"George Weasley?"

"No, and they're the same thing."

"You're sure it isn't Ron?"

"YES, I AM BLOODY WELL SURE!"

"Wot wot?"

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?!!!"

"Draco?"

"Unfortunately not."

"Ooh! Dean Thomas?"

'Who?"

"Never mind. Neville?"

"God, no!"

"Flitwick?"

"Absolutely not."

"Gilderoy Lockart?" Claire gagged.

"Well, he's got an excellent walk- but, no. He was out in the finals."

"Lucius Malfoy!"

"No!"

"Ernie?"

"No."

"Professor Binns?"

"He's a ghost!"

"Hagrid?" asked Claire, racking her brains for all the magical males she knew.

"Nope. He wasn't eligible."

"Dumbledore?"

"Can we say, 'too old?'"

"Seamus Finnigan?"

"Get a life."

"You're absolutely sure it wasn't Ron?"

"I refuse to answer."

"Harry?"

"Went down in the leather pants division."

"Cedric Diggory?"

"He's dead, Claire."

"Aww. . ."

"Yes, well. Any others?"

"Mrs. Norris?"

"Wrong sex."

"Filch?"

"See above."

"What were we talking about?"

"The King of Dead- Sexiness, Claire!!!!" Katie yelled.

"Oh, him!" Claire grinned. "You mean Sirius Black?"

Katie swooned. "Speak not the name!"

"Katie, you've already got Draco to fantasize about." Claire said.

"Who?" Katie said, dazedly.

"Katie!" Draco ran in. "Darling, don't you love me?"

"Of course you love me," said Katie, with a glassy-eyed smile. "But. . .er. . ."

Draco sat down and wept.

Claire put a comforting arm around him. "Don't worry, I've got something I know will cheer you up!"

He looked up hopefully. "A doggie biscuit? Or a snog?"

Katie bolted back to this world. "Hey! Watch it! Claire, don't lay a finger on-"

"Where's the laptop?"

"I thought you had it!"

"Oh, no. . ."



Hermione sat on the leather armchair with the grey laptop before her. "Now," she thought, "for an orderly world."



Suddenly, the bar was transformed into a Victorian tea party. Claire and Katie sported fluffy periwinkle blue Victorian tea dresses, complete with white lace parasols and puffed sleeves. "Oh, no," Katie moaned. "Hermione!"

"Yes?" A prim voice came from across the wicker table. "Would you like some more tea?

One lump or two?"

Harry, Voldemort, Draco and Ron entered, dressed in (of course) periwinkle blue Victorian tea suits, with pocket watches and periwinkle blue bowler hats. "Hey! This isn't authentic!" Voldemort whined. "I was there, and I should know! Hmph!" He put the sugar bowl on his head and sat in the corner.

"You know what," Harry said thoughtfully. "I think I feel a song coming on! A one, and a two, and one two three! I'm a little teapot short and stout- Join in, everyone!"

"Here is my handle, and here is my other handle- no, that can't be right. This song's about a sugar bowl. Hit it, Snape!"

Snape, who had suddenly appeared in Voldemort's lap, jumped to his feet, grabbed a non existent microphone, and began to belt out, " Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. . ."



"No!" Hermione shrieked and grabbed the laptop as Snape began to can-can. "It isn't supposed to be like this!! We're supposed to sit in a circle in our periwinkle tea clothes, talk about the weather and bridal showers! And we should be drinking tea!!!!!"

Katie rolled her eyes. "Tea is totally out, Herm. Everyone drinks Jolt now."

"Be that as it may, we are going drink it! Tea, that is. So that- spectacle you just made of yourselves NEVER HAPPENED!!!"

"All right, that's it!" Katie wrestled Hermione to the ground and snatched the laptop. "We've had enough of your 'perfect' world! Some people are allergic to perfection, you know! Be considerate! And periwinkle blue is really not Draco's colour!"

"Nor Ron's!" Claire piped up. "Back to the Horny Hamster!"

No sooner had the tea party dissolved into the bar, then- pop! Draco and Ron simultaneously turned into their respective forms of mammal life.

AAAAAAAAAARCGGHHHHHHHH- (house elf doing sound effects dies.)

Katie: Shite!

Claire: Shite!

Katie: Now what?

Claire: Harry!

Katie: We can't both have him!

Claire: A duel!

Katie: Fine. As the challenged, I choose the game- I assert- reality! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Actually, let's not bother. That game takes too long and you need to be in the Hellfire club. Why don't we take turns?

Claire: With Harry?

Katie: My turn! DARF!!!





OOOOOOOOOOOOOF (house-elf is replaced)



Katie raised an eyebrow. "Shall I leave you two alone with the all-natural hemp, or do you want me to go first?"

"Eh- you can go first."

"Goody!" Katie jumped up and clapped her hands. "Do we use whipped cream, or the chains? Or both? Or none at all? Although, of course, I could order some hot fudge from the bar if you want."

"Erm," said Harry, as Katie dragged him into the closet. The door slammed.