A/N; I'm aware of the fact the Shaun has a lovely wife, but for the sake of this fic, I'm choosing to ignore her existence. The main reason is because I can't see Sara kissing anyone who's married, no matter how drunk or confused she is.

It would be too easy. With just a few words I could invite Shaun into my room and settle this once and for all. I become lost in my hazy thoughts. Would sleeping with Shaun help me quell the confusion whirling through my mind and body, or would it just worsen and complicate the situation?

The cab jerks to a halt, and after paying, the driver shouts at us to hurry up and get out. Shaun
and I both stumble out of the cab barely a moment before it speeds off, hopefully into a nasty traffic jam. We hustle into the hotel from the dark street, coming to a stop before our respective rooms across from each other, hesitating in the narrow hallway. The yellow and white striped wallpaper is peeling slightly, and the light hanging from the low ceiling flickers like it's made of nervous fireflies.

"Well... I guess we should-"
"Do you want to hang out in my room?" Shaun says, speaking the same time as me on chance. We both look away and chuckle nervously.
"Look, Shaun. I don't think that's such a good idea."
"Sara- I said hang out, and I mean hang out. Nothing else. I'm not going to try anything." I feel hesitant, but take a step toward him as he's jimmying the key of his door. He raises his caterpillar eyebrows at me and holds the door open. "Come on. Making a move on my boss is career suicide. Besides... you could take me." I chuckle, unable to hold back a smile, and exit the hallway into Shaun's room.

The first thing I notice is that Shaun's room is identical to mine. It's bare- a small table next to a bed with clean white sheets, and an old TV on a rickety wooden stand across from it. There are plenty of beautiful hotels in India, none of which we could afford on our last minute budget.

Shaun sits on his bed and pats the spot next to him. Before I can control my reaction, I look frantically around for another seating option, but I know there isn't one. Shaun gives a frustrated sigh and gets up from his perch, offering it to me.
"There. You sit."
"Thank you." I mutter guiltily and smooth the sheet out of habit before sitting on it.
"I can see you don't trust me. I don't know why, but-"
"No. Don't think that. It's myself I don't trust."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know."
"Why did you kiss me?"
"I-I don't know."
"Jesus, Sara! Just talk, please. Just tell me what's going on."
"I can't."
"Whatever it is, I won't judge or laugh, I promise."
"Shaun... please don't- It's nothing, really."
"Bullshit. Don't feed me that 'it's nothing line'. You may be my boss, but we've been friends long enough for me to know something is wrong."
"I've been having some... confusing thoughts about you... and Tegan. I read this book about psychology and sexuality, and it just sort of... jumbled up my thoughts and feelings and now I don't even know what I want anymore." my resolve breaks on the last few words, the tears I'd been containing spilling over. I look down and close my eyes tight, willing the pathetic tears away. I feel ashamed and guilty. I feel silly for having these thoughts at the age of 30 instead of 13 like most people.

Suddenly, amid my spiraling thoughts, I feel Shaun sit next to me and wrap his arms around me gently. At first I stiffen and begin to pull away, but after a few moments, I lean against his chest, feeling his strong, calloused hands on my arm and the back of my neck. He smells like I remember Bruce used to when Tegan and I were little and he'd scoop one of us up in each arm and swing us around until we were both dizzy and felt like we were flying somewhere far away. This is what I remember as I shamelessly cling to my bandmate and let my breathing even out and my tears come to a stop, drying on my red, sticky face.

"I'm sorry." I mutter, but still don't move away. Shaun doesn't seem to mind, moving his thumb up and down, caressing my arm absentmindedly.
"Don't be. I'm not. That's what friends are for." He pulls away and kisses my forehead lightly. I sniff and tilt my head up so our lips our inches apart. I close my eyes and feel Shaun's lips on my cheek and then finally, my lips. It's a slow and tender kiss, but it quickly shifts into more dangerous territory, our faces mashing together, desperate to drink in more of each other.

Shaun pulls away, breathing hard. I send him a questioning, slightly pleading look and he shakes his head fervently, unable to catch is breath.
"No... I promised... Not tonight. Not while you're upset and confused like this." I nod my head and kiss his lips faintly so they're barely touching. It's a small, tentative kiss; a promise of more to come in the future.
"Do you want me to walk you back to your room?"
"No. I... I don't want to sleep alone tonight." I look away at how pathetic and stupid that came out. Not how I intended it to at all. However, Shaun nods understandingly and lies down on his bed, patting the spot next to him like he'd done before. This time, I eagerly fill the space with my tired body, slinging an arm around his chest and letting my head rest on his shoulder. Shaun takes a deep bracing breath and pulls the chain on the lamp next to his bed, extinguishing the only light in the small room.