"I want to touch you." I managed feeling my breath catch in my throat. I reached my hand flexing my fingers as far as they would go. My body felt cold as I tried for a breath, I failed. We failed. My chest felt tight, my breath was gone.
I gasped. My eyes open wide into the blackness around me. I sit up straight in the bed as a loud beeping noise alarms next to me. It's seconds before a sliver of light turns into the brightest glare. People surround me, shouting. My heart races as they attached monitors to me, probes and sticky censors. One person holds my wrist while another waves a bright light over my eyes. I stare up at them, letting them work listening to them speak. The words are all rushed. 'Run an ekg, get me neuro, she's awake.' I watch them like a theatre, as if I've left my body. "Michiru can you hear me?" one of them asks. I wait to listen for the confirmation that yes, Michiru has heard him. "Michiru?" he says again. And I wait, whoever this Michiru is, she's clearly not paying attention. He's looking directly at me this time, his eyes drilling into mine. "Michiru?" I look back at him, does he mean me? Has he got the wrong person, he must. My name is… What is my name? Panic floods me, but, who am I?
"Mama?" I hear a soft voice next to me. I assume it's that of a child as the voice is gentle and restless. My mind lifts itself from the black sleep it's been in to connect with this voice. I open my eyes letting the room come into focus. I'm in a bed with railings up around me. The room I am in is a pale yellow that looks sad as the sun reflects off of the walls. There is a large wooden door to my right and two small windows to my left. The room is full of equipment but mine is the only bed. "Mama?" I'm startled that the child wasn't my imagination. I look at her, she's small with wide eyes and dark hair, she's attempting to climb onto the bed I am in. My heart aches a bit as I look at her pretty face, should I know this child?
"Do you remember me today Mama?" She asks looping her arm around the railing and pulling herself to face me. She sits on my bed curling her legs under her.
I try to reply focusing on her face waiting for a spark in my memory to say that I know this child. There is nothing. I frown and look away from her.
"Hotaru." A new voice says. I look at the door as two people enter. A tall blonde male dressed in tan pants and a blue shirt is accompanied by a woman in white, she has long dark hair tied back and tanned skin. "You were told to wait." The boy says sternly.
"Sorry Haruka-papa." She smiles. "She doesn't remember me."
"That's ok." The boy says softly taking the few strides from the door to my bed. He lifts the child into his arms before setting her down on the floor. "Hello." He says to me.
"Hello." I manage not recognizing the voice that came from me.
"How are you feeling?"
I stared at him for a moment contemplating his words, how was I feeling? I didn't know the answer. I was however, fairly sure these people had the wrong room. I glanced around again letting the images register in my mind. Hospital; I was in a hospital, it made sense now. The machines, the bed with rails, I must be sick. These poor people have been led into the wrong room.
"I'm sorry." I say "But could it be possible you have the wrong room?"
The boy and the child exchange looks and then laugh. I frown, the lady in white glares at them before sighing and sitting at the edge of my bed.
"I'm sorry Michiru, ignore them." The lady took my hand gently. " You were in an accident, you've lost your memory."
" An accident?" I repeat looking into her deep dark eyes. "What kind of accident?"
"The kind that causes memory loss." The boy says.
"I'm Setsuna, your closest friend. That's Haruka and your daughter Hotaru."
"My." I paused letting tears fill my eyes. "Daughter?" pain coursed through me as I looked at the child. How could I not recognize my own daughter?
"Papa. I'm hungry." Hotaru says breaking the thick uneasy feeling that has coated my room.
"I'll take her Ruka." Setsuna says letting my hand go and lifting Hotaru into her arms. I watch them leave studying the little face smiling at me. Hotaru waves as the door closes behind them.
"How long?" I ask wiping my tears away with my hand.
"For what?"
"How long have I been like this?" I demand.
"It's been about four months." He answers flatly. "The doctors are hopeful, they note brain activity and your cognitive functions are all fine."
"Fine." I repeat in anger. "I can't remember my own daughter." He's silent, not helpful. "What happened to me?"
"You were hurt Michiru, that's all. There was an accident and we were all injured."
"All?"
"Yes. Setsuna, Hotaru and myself we were all injured. We all woke up in this hospital but we knew what happened, we knew who we were and recovered."
"But I didn't."
"You recovered from your injuries. It's just your memory that seems to be lost." He said. "For now."
I closed my eyes pushing my brain to remember. Nothing. Frustrated I balled my fist and pushed it into the bed. Tears rolled down my cheeks.
The door to my room opened again, a nurse appeared she only stayed long enough to check me over. She smiled at me and spoke only to Haruka. I listened as they chatted. No I hadn't remembered anything this morning, yes I reacted the same everyday, it was hard for him to see me so helpless.
"What do you mean I react the same everyday?" I asked once the nurse had left.
"Everyday Hotaru, Setsuna and I come to visit you. And everyday you say the same thing. That you're sure we are lost and then we go through the whole thing. Hotaru and Setsuna tell you everything they can think of about your life. We've brought photo albums, music. Nothing seems to jog your memory. The nurses check on you but your perfectly healthy now. You'd be home if the doctors didn't think waking up in a strange bed every day would have some sort of lasting damage. So you stay here and every morning Hotaru wakes you as she climbs on your bed just as she used to do every morning before the accident. And every night we leave you hoping you'll remember something the next day."
My eyes are wide with surprise and my heart is aching, every day for four months they've been trying to connect with me. "How painful for you." I say.
"It's not easy. But we love you Michiru." Haruka said his eyes resting on the floor. I relax in my bed, my eyes locked on the ceiling above me. Hotaru and Setsuna return and the chatter of the child breaks the cloud of hurt that has filled my room.
"I brought you some tea mama." Hotaru smiles setting on my bed her legs curled under her body. I take the warm liquid and sip it.
"It's good." I say smiling at her.
"It's your favourite." She nods. I take a moment to look at her now, her hair is a dark black and her eyes are a wide purple. I glance to Haruka who is chatting with Setsuna, his hair is blond and his eyes a dark blue. I assume Hotaru must look like me.
"So mama, what do you want to talk about today?"
"Why don't you tell me about you?" I say pushing myself up in bed so that I'm sitting. I cradle the tea in my hands and focus on Hotaru.
"Ok!" she beams. "I'm Hotaru. I'm four years old this time."
"Hotaru." Haruka says in a warning tone.
"Right. Sorry." Hotaru smiles. I'm confused but before I can question Hotaru is continueing her story. "I'm starting school in three more sleeps with my best friend Chibi-usa. She's Usagi's daughter and we're very excited. Haruka-papa says I get to ride in the yellow car on my first day and I'm very excited. Everyone will be super jealous. I hope you remember by then mama, because I'd like you to come to my school." I sip my tea. "My favourite colour is purple, because my eyes are a bit purple and my hair is too kinda. I like it a lot. My room is painted that colour at your house but Setsuna wont let me paint my room at her house because she says purple isn't a wall colour. My second favourite colour is pink, my friend Chibi-usa has pink hair, and I wish I did." My eyes are getting tired as I listen to Hotaru and my head begins to nod.
"Ok firefly, times up." Haruka says. Hotaru glares at her but lifts her arms as Setsuna lifts her off of my bed.
"Up?" I say now fully awake and full of disappointment.
"You're tired. It's a lot." Setsuna says. "You rest a bit, have some lunch. We'll be back."
"We always come back." Haruka adds.
I watch them leave, my heart breaking a little, they look like a little family. Hotaru much resembling Setsuna her hand rested in the tall woman's hand. Haruka's hands are buried in his pockets and I wonder as they leave what his relationship to me is. My head is spinning as I set the tea on my bedside table and drift off. Please let me remember them. I think wondering how many times I've thought it before.
