It started with "The Kiss" of course. The first time he let me down...was the kiss. I know I shouldn't have done it, I get that, I'm not stupid. I know he was mad at me. I know I was being an ass, but did he have to look at me like I'd just kicked his puppy? Did he have to look at me like I was hideous, some kind of monster? I don't know what I thought would happen but it wasn't that. I was hurt and scared and lashing out and he was so very, very angry with me. All I could do was show him why I was acting out, I mean it's not like I could tell him. I couldn't even say it out loud back then. Hell, I could barely even think it at that point. So when I saw the look on his face afterwards, I didn't know what else to do. I had to get out of there, away from him. I couldn't stand it. I knew then that what I wanted was never gonna happen even if I didn't know exactly what it was that I wanted. I think that even after running away though that I thought he might come after me, that he, he might care enough to at least make sure that I was okay, but he didn't. He just went on with his life like nothing had happened, like we hadn't even kissed. The most important moment of my life...and it was nothing to him.

Of course you know what happened next. He let me down again. He just walked right up to the nearest good looking gay guy in Ohio and told him everything. My deepest darkest secret and he just told someone, worse it was someone he barely even knew. Then they get the bright idea to come to school and say it all...out loud...in front of people. Right there on the stairs, where anyone could've overheard. Preppy boy, I understand, he doesn't know me. He doesn't know how McKinley works. Kurt though, he knew and he obviously didn't care that he could've outed me to the entire school. He didn't think about what could have happened to me at all. I know it's not his responsibility to keep my secrets but for someone who would later tell me "I would never out you", he sure came awful close that day.

I realize now that what I did next pretty much killed my chances with him. It's kind of hard to come back from a death threat. I'm not making excuses for it though, I know what I did was wrong. I just needed his attention so badly; I needed him to look at me...to see me. He was the one person in my life that knew and I don't know what scared me more...that he knew and he might tell everyone at school or that he wouldn't. Maybe it meant so little to him that it wasn't even worth telling anyone about.

And that is kind of what started this whole thing. I felt so invisible and back then I didn't want to be, not like now. If I could go back, I would. If I could talk to myself at that moment, the moment I decided that I needed his attention more than I needed his love, his trust, his respect, I would. I would tell myself that the fallout from that one decision would lose me everything I held dear, hell it almost lost me my life. I think that was one of my lowest moments...well you know, right up to the point where everyone found out that I was gay and then I tried to kill myself.

Finn coming up to me and talking to me after the whole "Thriller" thing shouldn't have upset me so much but after the high of the performance wore off and I started looking around for Kurt and all I could see was him being so wrapped up in Curly Sue that he hadn't even noticed me. All I wanted to do was hit something...preferably Kurt's boy toy. So..."I'm on top, why would I want to change things?" just has to come out of my mouth. The look on Finn's face, he knew how I felt about the dancing and singing, he knew that I'd loved it, but that boy was dumber than a box of rocks if he thought that I could handle seeing Kurt at Dalton with...him. Stupid, pretty, little prep school boy...everything that Kurt ever wanted and everything that I'm not. I'm such an idiot, I had somehow got it into my head during all this that I could be what Kurt wanted, I liked singing and dancing and stupid Schue even said that I was good at it...I never thought that I could be...you know...good at something. Well, other than football and being a jerk.

I know the plan was to just pretend to be normal until I moved out and went to college. That way I wouldn't have to see the look on my parents faces when they found out that their son was a fag. I knew that they would hate me for it. I knew I'd never see them again but I just wanted to get through high school you know? I just wanted to be loved for just a little while longer, by someone…even if it was just my parents. All I had to do was stay on top at school and keep fooling everyone about what I really was for just two measly years; anyone could do that, right?

Except me obviously, but singing with the glee club and the dancing and the zombie makeup...that felt good, real good. And Mr. Schue with his "If you took that energy you use bullying people and put it into this, you'd be one of the most talented guys in the school, just think about it." This is of course how Finn found out that I liked being in Glee. Because after that, I just had to suggest we do a second song and get all relaxed. It just made sense, it just...felt...right, somehow. This was how I could do it, get close to Kurt, show him who I really am; show him that I could be perfect for him. So of course we killed it, of course we shocked everyone with how good we really were and then the hammer falls and the stupid Puckheads had to go and slushy us, us...the football team.

"Holy crap, they turned Karofsky gay!" was all it took to turn the whole thing around. Me and the rest of the guys walked out of that room knowing that if we didn't, we would never be able to show our faces at school again. But they don't give up; they don't even try to get us back. They still want to do the show and play in the game. So they get the glee girls to play so they have enough players for the championship game and proceed to rub it in our faces. Finn runs off to convince the Cheerios in glee to come perform with them and Puck comes into the locker room at half-time and convinces everybody...even Z, to be in the show and those assholes just left me there.

I went out onto the field after I grabbed all my gear so that I could at least watch them all go down in flames. But no, everyone in the stands was freaking out, they loved it! Everyone was cheering and screaming and singing along, like they thought it was cool or something. That's when I knew that I had to get out there on the field with everyone else. It was amazing; I have never felt like that...so alive, so powerful, so...good. Beiste even slapped me and said "Welcome back, boy." with the proudest look on her face after the show. I had the biggest grin in the room. Of course we were pretty sure we were going to lose in the final few seconds but even with Finn's ridiculous idea (that actually worked) and going on to win the game...it didn't feel half as good as the show.

So that puts us back at "What do you think, we all dance around together and win a football game and everything's gonna change? Glee clubs gonna be cool and we're all gonna sing hippy peace songs every morning?" Finn the moron coming back with "Maybe, I don't know, it's a start." I hate to be the one to break it him but I do it anyways. "No dude it's a finish. 'Kay, this is high school, people's memories for good stuff lasts about as long as their Facebook status."

"We got a chance to really change things here," he says and I counter back, "I just won the conference championship; I'm on top, why would I want to change things?" I'm sure that conversation had nothing to do with the fact that Kurt and Hair Gel danced past me after the game, nothing to do with the fact that he congratulated Finn and Puck...they both used to bully him, but he just walked right past me and...he let me down again. I just did something dangerous for him; I just set myself up for a fall for him. I left myself wide open for everyone in that school to see what a fag I am and what did I get? He didn't see me dancing, he didn't hear me singing, he didn't notice me at all.

The next day I thought to myself "Santana knows. I'm sure of it." She had been all caught up in the fight the night before but that day, she just kept looking at me. When Santana gets that look in her eye, it's better to just keep your head down. I spent all day trying not to make eye contact. That girl was vicious. She still is.

I don't know why she was even standing up for Eyebrows, she didn't really know him. Although maybe it was just for Kurt, she loves him. It's hard to tell where she's coming from sometimes, especially when she starts talking about the razor blades…you just want to run. It's not my fault Kurt brought the hobbit to school again, not that he was much help last time either. Although this time he shoved me. I just had to push back…little man thinks he's so tough. Just because Kurt thinks he's all that and a bag of chips doesn't mean the rest of us do. As usual though, I'm the one running away.

I went back to the gym and spent the next hour pushing myself to the limit, testing myself, drawing the line and crossing it over and over again. Sometimes it makes me feel a little more normal. No one is there judging me and for once I can stop judging myself. Here in this room was the only place I could feel good about myself up until I was forced to join Glee Club. Not that I feel normal singing and dancing but I do feel good about it. It makes me feel happy, which isn't something I get to feel a whole lot. Lifting weights gives me some of that same rush, some of the same sense of power and it doesn't make people think I'm gay. This counts as a win in my book even if I do feel like someone beat the crap out of me afterwards. Although, standing in the shower is always the best and the worst part of the day and today was no exception. I love the heat and the water pounding me senseless, relaxing the muscles in my neck and back. I just wish it didn't give me so much time to think.