It's A Long Way Home: Chapter 2

"Why were you still in contact with Lady Heather?"

Grissom's mouth felt like it had filled with sand. He was always the man with the answers. That's what he spent his life doing, giving people answers. How was someone killed, what had been used to kill them, when did they die, where were they killed, who killed them? He could answer those questions. He liked answering those questions.

When it came to Sara though, all his logical reasoning seemed to disappear. He had never been able to answer her questions. He was terrified of not giving the right answer, or not explaining himself correctly. If he said the wrong thing, he always feared that would be the last straw for her. He was never good at expressing emotions, and he had never had much reason to do so until he met Sara. He was still learning.

When he left for San Diego again, he never thought he'd see Sara again. He knew it was ironic, he was living out the life that she had wanted them to live together. He should have taken that opportunity when he had it. To hell with the lab, that wasn't what was important. She was. He had made the wrong decision again, and he lost her.

He wanted to ask her to come with him, to give that life they once talked about a chance. But how could he do that? She had just gotten the promotion she so deserved. His heart still swelled with pride at that thought. She deserved it more than anyone, and that wasn't just because he was in love with her. He couldn't ask her to give that up for him, and to leave the team again. It was better this way. She would stay in Vegas, finally getting the recognition she deserved for all her hard work. She'd have the team, her own little family there to support her. He had no doubt she would find someone else. You'd have to be crazy to not fall in love with her. You'd have to be even crazier to let her go.

Despite knowing this, he knew this was what was best for her. That was all he ever cared about, her happiness. He would continue to work at sea for, content in knowing that even though he missed her, and would for the rest of his life, she would be better off in Vegas.

Now he was afraid of losing her all over again. When he turned and saw her on the pier, his whole world opened up. By some miracle, some divine intervention, she had given him another chance. He didn't want to do anything to make her regret that decision.

"Sara, I-" He began, but trailed off, not sure where to start. He bit his lower lip, and his eyes found hers. So much of their relationship had been these meaningful looks. Maybe it was because they were so used to reading a story from evidence, they could read each other without needing to say anything. He wished this was one of those situations. He wished he could explain everything with a look, so she knew in that way she always did. When words were involved, things got messy.

"The truth, Gil. That's all I want. I'm a grown woman, I can handle it." She was trying hard to convince herself of that fact, so she wasn't sure if she was convincing him. Could she handle it? Would she have been better off living in oblivious bliss, content in not knowing? No, that wasn't how she worked. She always needed the whole picture.

Grissom had always taught them that the 'why' was never important. That wasn't the business they were in. Who, what, where and when? Those were the only questions they had to worry about. It didn't matter why someone had done something, just that they had done it.

Sara was never happy with that. She needed to know why. She had to be able to make sense of things, it was the only reason she had been able to keep working as a CSI. She needed to know that people didn't just go outside and commit a crime; she wanted to know the motive. It made it easier to process, sometimes.

His thumb had been stroking the inside of her knee, but his hand had stilled, resting flat on her skin. He could feel how tense her body was, and he knew there was no getting out of this. The only way to move forward was to get everything out in the open. When she got on that boat he had vowed he would do whatever it took to make her happy and to make it work this time. He wasn't going to fall at the first hurdle.

"A few months before the… Before things went bad," He still couldn't bring himself to say the word divorce. "Heather contacted me, out of the blue. I hadn't spoken to her since before I left the lab. I spent a while talking to her then, sort of catching up on her life, and I was telling her about the research grants we were waiting on."

This was almost three years ago, but she still couldn't stop herself from feeling bitter. He couldn't pick up the phone to respond to her phone calls, but he had spent a long time on the phone to Heather, just talking.

"I think she was lonely, and she was just reaching out for a friend." He didn't miss the little scoff Sara gave, as much as she tried to hide it. "By all accounts, she had nothing going on in her life other than work and occasional visits from her granddaughter. I was just doing what I could, to help a friend out of a situation I knew a lot about." He couldn't help but think back to the time when Sara had sent him that video message. She had helped him see the mistake he was making, and that allowed him to make the best choice he had ever made. He just wanted to try and help her too.

"After that, she would send me an email every couple of weeks, and when I got a chance, I would respond." He was struggling to read her expression, he didn't know how she was feeling, or if what he was saying was making their situation better or worse.

"She knew about the divorce," Sara said simply. That was what had gotten to her more than anything. She knew it, and she used it against her as a weapon in the interrogation.

Grissom sighed softly and nodded. "When I left the lab to go to Costa Rica, I left the team behind. We all know how bad I am at keeping in contact with people. Maybe it would have been different if I had stayed in Paris with constant internet connection and steady cell service. After the… After it happened, I thought constantly about ringing Brass, or Nick, or Greg. I just wanted them to make sure you were okay because I knew I couldn't. That was all that I cared about."

"Did you?" She asked, in genuine curiosity. Surely they would have told her if Grissom had contacted them?

"In the end, I didn't. I didn't think they'd even answer the phone if they saw it was me, and if they had, I'm sure it would have just been to yell at me."

This brought a smile to Sara's lips, and she gave a short laugh. "Yeah well, maybe you deserved that."

"Oh, I don't doubt it." His smile mirrored hers, but only for a moment. "Being completely honest, Sara, I didn't want to take them from you. I wanted them to stay angry at me, so they would support you. And, if I have to admit it, I was afraid. I knew they would be disappointed with me. I knew they would be angry, and probably even hate me a little bit. I still expect them to feel that way, but that's okay. I just didn't want to have to face it. It was easier to just lock you all away, and not think about it."

"When Heather talked to me about her granddaughter, I had no intention of mentioning what happened. She's perceptive, though. She knew without me saying anything. She said that by not mentioning you at all, it was how she knew, because every conversation we've ever had, I have always talked about you."

She didn't know how to feel about this, imagining Grissom and Heather discussing her over their afternoon tea. It made her feel uncomfortable, but she understood what he was trying to say to her.

"You said you were only talking to her a few days ago?" Sara pressed on. Her mind was in overdrive, trying to process everything he was saying and understand what he meant and how she felt in response to it.

Grissom nodded in confirmation. "That was just a coincidence in timing, but I realise now how it sounded. I didn't mean for it to come out that way and hurt you. Heather had sent me an email telling me about Alison's death, I was out at sea and never saw it until a few days ago. I phoned her to see how she was doing and offer my condolences. I was just trying to help a friend who was having a hard time."

Sara was silent for a moment, processing still. He could see the gears turning in her head, grinding again and again. That sick feeling at the pit of his stomach hadn't disappeared yet. With every second that passed in silence, it only got worse.

He gave her knee a soft squeeze, and her dark eyes met his. "Sara, I need you to understand, she has only ever been a friend to me. I know I have given you enough reason to doubt that over the years, and I'm sorry." He took a breath. "I'm sorry."

His heart sank as he watched her eyes fill with tears. He had done it this time. His words had gotten him into this mess, and had hurt her.

"Thank you, Gil," She said softly, battling with the tears, determined to not cry.

"W-What? Why are you thanking me?" This was not the response he had expected from her. In fact, he half expected to be packing up and heading back to his boat, alone.

"Thank you for talking to me. But mainly, thank you for being honest with me, and for apologising." Grissom never seemed to be able to understand the consequences his actions had on her. He didn't seem to get that sometimes the things he did hurt her. But now, he had shown her he understood why she felt the way she did. He knew what he had done hurt her, and he apologised. That was not something he had done before.

"Now, it's my turn to apologise," Sara continued, leaving Grissom speechless once more. "I know I acted irrationally during the case. It was just so overwhelming seeing you again. It brought back so much of what I had locked away for two years, and not dealt with. And I know Ecklie called you, but I couldn't help but feel like she was the reason you had come back. I know you didn't know anything about Ronal. But, the only thing I could think of was would you have come back for me the way you did for her?"

"I'm not one to get jealous of the 'other woman', but Heather has always had a way of getting under my skin. I guess, I just felt like I was the other woman, compared to Heather. I listened to all the rumours for so long. There was this beautiful, intelligent and independent dominatrix who had won your heart. This was at a time when you wouldn't even be in a room alone with me. I always felt inadequate compared to her. She was a perfect match for you, and it terrified me that you might realise that, and I'd be made a fool again."

Grissom opened his mouth to speak, to reassure her doubt, but she just kept going, needing to get this off of her chest. "I know we've talked about her before, and I know I just sound like a petty, jealous woman who can't let go. But… She brings out the worst in me, and I let your history with her cloud my judgement on the case. So, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry."

To say he was stunned was an understatement. Yes, they had spoken of Heather before, but he never knew exactly how she made Sara feel, and now that he did, he understood everything he had put her through.

He had been terrible to her for years, pushing her away and then pulling her close. Just as she'd get her life going in a different direction, he'd reel her back in with a look, a touch, or a carefully aimed comment. He couldn't have her in his life, but he didn't want her out of it, so he played on those emotions while he tried to figure out his own.

He knew the rumours that went around the lab, the first and second time he met Heather. Knowing now just how Sara felt, he couldn't imagine being in her position, and the pain that must have caused her.

Then, after she was attacked, Sara and he had been in a relationship for almost two years at that stage. He went to Heather again and ended up spending the night talking to her until the sun came up. He never thought to tell Sara where he was, and he hadn't considered how it might make her feel. The funny thing was that the majority of that night was spent talking about Sara. Heather didn't want to talk about herself, so she did what she did so well. She read him. She knew something had changed, and she knew who had caused that change.

For such an intelligent man, he could be dense sometimes. This was an excellent example of that fact.

"I know you saw what I said to Heather in that video. I know I told you about what almost happened between Heather and I. There was a chance for us to take things further, and it almost happened. Do you remember the case with Lorenzo Morales, at the Sugar Cane Ranch? Do you remember the conversation we had there?"

Sara nodded, knowing exactly what he was talking about. That wasn't a conversation she was ever likely to forget. "You said sex without love is pointless, it makes you sad. But, I make you happy."

He couldn't help but smile at that. He had teased her years ago about recording everything he said. She really didn't forget anything.

"There's a reason I know that, Sara. Ever since I met you, I have loved you. Even though I couldn't admit it, I knew it. Nothing happened with Heather, because we both knew I loved you, even if I couldn't say it. Heather has only ever been, and only ever will be a friend. But, she showed me that nobody could replace you. You are the only one for me, Sara. You could never be inadequate. Everyone else is because nobody else even comes close to matching you. And nobody ever will."

She found herself fighting tears once more. She cried watching the tape Lindsey had given her. Now that he was here, saying all these things to her, it was almost too much to handle.

"Please tell me I haven't just ruined whatever chance I had of making this work?" He sounded desperate as if her answer was more important than oxygen.

Her hand covered his and she smiled, shaking her head. "No, no you haven't. Quite the opposite, really."

Instantly, his lips were on hers, doing a better job at conveying just how he felt about that. He tried to pour all his emotion into that kiss, wanting to make sure she knew exactly how he felt.

She broke the kiss after a few moments, "Don't think this is all okay, though, we still have a lot to talk about."

"Yes, dear," He mumbled against her lips, trying to make up for all the kisses they had missed out on in the last few years.

At this moment, both of them felt happier than they could remember being in the last number of years. Yes, they had a long way to go, but right now they had dealt with some of their biggest worries. With lighter hearts were ready to deal with everything else they had to discuss.

They had hope.

xxx

A/N: I am so nervous posting this chapter. It's such a tense subject, and there's so much in the background of it all, I just have no idea if I did it justice, but I tried. I would really love to know what you thought of it, if you agree or disagree with me on some of the thoughts. And thank you so much to everyone who reviewed on the first chapter and asked for more. It was amazing to get such a lovely response. I hope you still feel the same about this one, but let me know either way!