Chapter 2: Talk Therapy
A/N: First of all, thank you to everyone who reviewed, favored, and followed! You are amazing, especially you lovely reviewers~. It really helps motivate me to write more. It would feasibly be better if I could learn to motivate myself. Alas, I can't be motivated to learn that.
Disclaimer: Death Note is not my property.
Warnings: Mentions of violence and abuse, also eventual LxLight pairing.
Length: 1699 words (just over six pages)
The actual story may now commence.
Light lay on the couch, curled into himself slightly, resigned to suffer through yet another therapy session. He wore plain grey prison garb and a white straightjacket. Dr. Dubrovsky sat in a chair opposite him, dressed professionally.
"How have you been doing, Mr. Yagami?" Dr. Dubrovsky asked. The therapy sessions were always spoken in English, due to him not knowing Russian and Dr. Dubrovsky not being familiar with Japanese. He'd spoken in English with Dr. Morozov as well.
Light didn't bother replying to the inquiry; it was the standard question asked at the beginning of each session. Dubrovsky would ask, wait politely for him to respond and then continue when he inevitably didn't. He'd observed that she always waited nine seconds exactly.
"How about you tell me something about Ryuzaki," the therapist suggested. They both mentally counted the nine seconds out.
"Anything that comes to mind," Dubrovsky prompted. After another nine seconds she spoke again, patiently, "Tell me anything that comes to mind."
Light spoke, softly, barely above a whisper, "Nothing… nothing in particular really comes…to mind."
"We talked about Ryuzaki a great deal in our earlier meetings, you gave me a brief synopsis of what your interactions with him were. You told me about Lind L. Taylor, about meeting L in person, about working with him on the case under various states of freedom and recollection, and about your arrest." When Light didn't respond, she continued, "Let's go over what your emotions concerning him were. How did you feel about him?"
There was a pause. "I…hated him. He made me…angry," Light replied haltingly.
"Hmm. What about him made you feel that way?"
"He…challenged me and… what I was doing."
"What was the reason this made you angry?"
"Then…I felt…what I was doing…that it was important. That it was…right." Light replied, dully, they'd been through this before. "Ryuzaki was…undermining it."
"Has your opinion of what you were doing changed?"
"Yes."
"How so?"
"I was wrong. I was…horrible and wrong. I'm still horrible and wrong," Light stated quietly.
"Have your feelings about Ryuzaki changed?"
Light floundered, "I'm…I don't…I—I…"
Dr. Dubrovsky smiled gently, to reassure him, "We'll come back to that. Do you ever think about Ryuzaki now?"
There was a pause, six seconds before Light softly replied, "Not…frequently, no."
"But he'll cross your mind?"
"On occasion," Light responded noncommittally.
"When he does, what do you think about?"
"I've…thought of…memories."
"Can you tell me about a memory?"
Light considered the question. "Well… we'd play games sometimes. Like chess…or card games."
"When did you do that?"
"During the time…the time when I was handcuffed to him…for surveillance. When everyone else had left… after dinner…before bed."
"Did you enjoy playing games with him?"
"Well…I guess. I didn't…remember then, so I didn't…hate him. Playing games was a break from the case, which was… stressful."
"What other memories do you think about that involve Ryuzaki?"
Light was quiet a moment, "Sometimes… we would converse… unrelated to the case."
"Did you enjoy those conversations?"
"They were… stimulating."
"How so?"
"Ryuzaki was very…intelligent. He was…interesting to talk to."
"What else do you remember?"
Light struggled to remember more. "We…watched a movie once. A British one. Ryuzaki explained…explained the slang to me. It was… amusing."
"How would you describe these memories? What do they all have in common?"
After the nine seconds, Dr. Dubrovsky spoke again, "Mr. Yagami?"
"I'm… I don't… don't know," Light shifted uncomfortably.
"They were pleasant memories for you," Dubrovsky stated.
"I'm…," Light paused, "I suppose… they weren't unpleasant…" Light trailed into silence.
"But that's not why you think of them," Dubrovsky mused.
"No… I don't think… that's it," Light muttered.
"Let's leave that for now," Dubrovsky suggested gently, "We've talked about your arrest before. About the reactions of the taskforce. Of your father. Of your family. Tell me about them."
Light nodded, "They… saw that I was wrong… and horrible… and disgusting. And… they all… they all recoiled." He shivered slightly at the memory of it. Of his father's expression.
"Not Misa."
"No… Misa was wrong… she was…wrong too. Horrible… like me."
"This is what Dr. Morozov told you."
Light nodded.
"And you believe he is right."
Another nod.
"That you were horrible."
Nod.
"And still are?"
"He was right," Light glared, actually speaking clearly and above a whisper for the first time during the session; then he quickly ducked his head, clenching his eyes shut.
'You are horrible and despicable. You are disgusting and wrong. And you still can speak with such confidence? Such pride?' A resounding slap, followed by a sharp gasp. 'You are truly dirt, Kira.'
"Mr. Yagami," Dubrovsky spoke firmly, "Dr. Morozov was not qualified to offer you psychological advice. You are aware of the circumstances."
Nine seconds, "Mr. Yagami?" Still no response and Dr. Dubrovsky broached a new question, "What about Ryuzaki? And Watari? How did they behave towards you?"
Dubrovsky was about to speak again when Light opened his eyes and very softly responded, "Watari… he always… always followed Ryuzaki's lead. Ryuzaki… he didn't act differently… not really."
"Do you have a guess as to why?"
"…Ryuzaki… he always knew."
"Ryuzaki always knew what?"
"He knew… Ryuzaki knew I was Kira…from…from the beginning. He knew that… I was horrible and disgusting… before he even met me."
"Interesting. Let's try that earlier question again; what do your recollections of Ryuzaki have in common? Why do you think of them?"
"Because… they…confuse…me," Light realized. "Ryuzaki confuses me. If he knew…then why did he… how could he…?"
"You think of these memories because they confuse you. Ryuzaki's actions were confusing to you," Dubrovsky confirmed. Light nodded in agreement.
"If he knew… then he would have known… that I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill him… so badly. How could he sit next to me… and help me with English pronunciation… or tease me…?"
"You don't understand why he didn't recoil from you. As the others did once they learned the truth of your identity."
"I don't…understand it…"
"Well, you were only a suspect at the time. Not convicted."
Light shook his head, "Ryuzaki knew… he was incredibly smart… and his instincts… they were always right. He was right… right about me from the beginning."
"Do you hate Ryuzaki? Right now, do you hate him?"
"No… I don't… think I do."
"Do you like Ryuzaki?"
"…Not exactly… I guess… I don't exactly like… or dislike him."
"Do you feel neutrally towards him?"
"I suppose. It's more like… I feel confused by him."
"Anything else?"
"Just…confusion…if anything. It… doesn't matter."
"Why doesn't it matter?" Dubrovsky queried gently.
"I haven't… had anything… anything to do… with Ryuzaki for…a long time."
"Even so, your feelings on the matter can still be very important."
"It's not… not important," Light murmured.
Dubrovsky frowned slightly, "What isn't important?"
"How I…feel about Ryuzaki."
"Why is that?"
"How I feel… about Ryuzaki… about anything… it doesn't matter."
"You think your feelings don't matter," Dubrovsky inferred.
"They don't."
"Why do they not matter?"
"They don't matter… because… I don't matter."
"You think you don't matter."
"I don't. I should die… I killed… so many. I'm disgusting…I should die."
"Mr. Yagami, dying will not solve anything," Dubrovsky stated seriously.
"Neither… neither will living."
"If you invest yourself in life, living can solve a great deal."
Nine seconds. "Mr. Yagami?"
There was another lengthy pause, then, "There's… nothing… nothing in life… for me to invest in."
There was yet another pause.
"I've been in contact with someone you knew," Dubrovsky stated, looking closely at Light for his reaction. Light stayed very, very still.
"Who?" He whispered.
"The Penitentiary is obligated to inform emergency contacts of dramatic changes in a patients behavior or mental health; this was neglected while Dr. Morozov was your psychologist. As your current psychologist I reported your recent suicidal tendencies. As it is not permitted to contact your family, Ryuzaki was contacted by default."
Light was stunned. "Ryuzaki?" He asked, surprised.
"Yes, Ryuzaki." Dubrovsky confirmed. "After being informed of your suicide attempts, he requested more information and was patched through to me. After a brief conversation he requested documentation of your condition, which I faxed to him. He has taken an active concern in your progress. We have conversed about various possibilities regarding your situation. Including having you relocated."
"…He knows about… You've spoken… relocation?" Light tumbled through his words.
Dubrovsky smiled warmly, "Yes, we've discussed having you moved out of the Penitentiary."
"I thought… because of security… couldn't… Ryuzaki?" Light stammered.
Dubrovsky was able to pick out the gist of Light's question. "It's been agreed that it would be possible to move you if you were in Ryuzaki's custody. While the setting would be much different than your current one, you would still be a prisoner of the government and certain regulations of safety and security would have to be met. You would also continue on as my patient, we would have our sessions over video chat," she explained. "Whether or not you are to be moved is up to you. Now, I don't want you to be overwhelmed, so take some time to think this over and ask me any questions you may have."
Light nodded dumbly, mentally trying to reassemble the shattered pieces of his mind.
Dubrovsky looked at him empathetically, "For what it's worth Mr. Yagami. I think that this could be something very worth investing yourself in."
Light's mind reeled as guards escorted him out of the doctor's office and continued to reel as he was securely locked down in his cell. He was jarred by the new development. He lay on his back, staring at the dull ceiling not even attempting to understand simply struggling to process. His mind swarmed.
Ryuzaki. "Various possibilities… including… relocation." "Tell me something about Ryuzaki." Relocation. Regulations. Ryuzaki's custody? "Have your feelings about Ryuzaki changed?" Five years. Neutral. What sort of regulations? Don't hate him. Knows about my suicide attempts? Irrelevant. Just need to die. "For what it's worth Mr. Yagami. I think that this could be something very worth investing yourself in." Relocation. Ryuzaki.
L.
Putting his baffled thoughts aside for the moment, Light focused on him for a moment. A man he'd once thought nearly exclusively of and who now hadn't crossed his mind with much purpose in years. He envisioned fathomless, dark eyes and a blank, collected expression.
A/N: I'm noticing that Dubrovsky has been present more than I expected her to be. How does everyone feel about her? It originally wasn't my intention to have an oc in the fanfiction(they usually annoy me), but she seems to have become a good medium to figure out Light's thoughts and progress the story.
