Disclaimer: I still claim no ownership over the Goosebumps franchise.

Trigger Warning: Sexual Content, Verbal Abuse


There were henchmen villains kept around as hired muscle and then there were henchmen kept around as eye-candy. An argument could be made that it was kind of sexist to pay someone to stand around and make villains look virile to whomever they were trying to intimidate.

As main lackey to the big monster boss himself, you did spend a lot of time dressed in skimpy clothes posing in the background while Slappy threatened to break R.L. Stine's kneecaps, but you spent even more time doing menial labor. You were usually eavesdropping on murderers and stitching tiny puppet jackets, totally busy. Actually you liked it better the other way, when you were just tasked with dressing trash-ily and functioning as an obscene throne. At least you had experience doing that.

It just so happened that it was one of those days were all you had to do was be pretty, so you were having a great time.

You were dressed to impress, or at least to gather some stares. A skirt so short it passed as a belt and a billowy shirt that looked like you stole it from a vegas magician's assistant. You were teetering in your highheels by the time you were trying to convince everyone to head over to Stine's house in an orderly fashion, it was a good thing that most of them were willing to listen to your orders on the basis that they trusted Slappy to have the meanest plan of all. You only had to deal with those rude clowns making hand gestures at you as they passed. Clarissa the Witch was standing next to you, or rather you were standing next to her staring at her amazing hair and she hadn't told you to take a hike, and her cool glare had them leaving you alone.

It was a going pretty well, in your humble opinion.

Your air of cheerfulness was cut short when you heard a shout that was going to follow you to your grave at the rate things were going.

"Slave, get in here!" And there Slappy was, hanging halfway out the window of the haunted car and motioning for you to hurry up, "You're making us late!"

"On my way!" You shouted as you sent one last longing look over your shoulder at the Elvira knock-off of you dreams. You had to hurry, Slappy would happily leave you stranded for laughs, he would do worse if you were actually holding him up. You made it in the knick of time, throwing yourself into the passenger seat.

Yes, you sat in the passenger seat. It was pretty stupid when you considered the fact that you were the only one in the car with a licence and the one in the driver's seat, Slappy, had to sit on several dictionaries to see over the steering wheel. Obviously he couldn't reach the pedals. Sure, the car was haunted by the ghost of some dead girl who did most of the actual driving, but what if a cop pulled you all over? The ghost girl wasn't even old enough to have a licence!

"I know you only have one thing going for you and it's not your brain," Slappy leered at your exposed skin in a way that left you feeling slimy, "But try to use it and stick to the plan for once."

That was pretty slut shame-y from the ventriloquist dummy having you dress up like a showgirl to imply he was more of a man than R.L. Stine. "I'll do my best."

"Remember, numbskull, what are you supposed to do when I need to make eye contact with Stine?"

"Get on my hands and knees so you can use me as a step-stool." You replied and hoped that his wooden shoes wouldn't give you even more bruises.

"So you can listen after all. Maybe if you keep it up I might let you drive." Slappy reached over from where he was unnecessarily gripping the steering wheel to pat your knee. Then he slapped in so hard it left a red mark, "Not!"

It was probably the fact that your knee was throbbing, otherwise you would have let it go. However, unexpected pain made you say unexpected things. "You were letting me drive last night."

It was a good thing Slappy was not actually driving, because you two would have flipped into a ditch the way the twisted that wheel. "What!"

Oh no, he had the angry eyebrows on! Well, let it never be said that you didn't finish what you start. You caress the wheel like it's a Decepticon you're trying to convince to spare your life, "Vroom vroom."

Given how limited his range of facial motions were, it was kind of impressive just how personally insulted Slappy looked. "I'm the one in the driver's seat here, slave! You do what I say!"

"If you say so, boss." You replied in a tone that implied just the opposite.

"I do say so!" He snarled, finally letting go of the wheel completely. You were both safer that way. "You're not worth the clothes you're wearing, don't think I won't find a new you if you outlive your usefulness. Not that you have much of that in the first place."

Well that was harsh.

"I'm going to be running this town soon," He was transitioning from angry to smug, "I can get someone who looks like their not wearing a cheap Halloween costume to stand there and look pretty."

"I know, boss." What you knew was that you looked damn fine in a halloween costume.

"Good, don't forget it." He shifted away from you again, looking out the windshield.

"Consider it memorized." You assured.

The pair of you sat in silence as the car drove itself through the backroads around the town. It was almost peaceful until, "Frankly, I don't see what the big deal is about how you humans look. You're all so moist and squishy, it's disgusting."

"We can't really help that, boss."

"Well you should work harder at it, I'm sure you could stop being so completely terrible if you tried. Maybe if you stopped that whole breathing thing." He was examining you out of the corner of his eye, carefully critiquing.

"I'm pretty sure that would kill me." Maybe if you got someone to turn you into a vampire that could work. Or a robot.

"That's the point." Slappy probably intentionally had the most grating laugh ever. Then he decided to cross yet another line in criticizing you. One wooden hand reached out and grabbed a handful of tit, "What even is the point of these?"

Okay, getting felt up by a ventriloquist dummy was a weird sensation. Wooden hands couldn't really change shape all that well and were uncomfortable cold. It was like trying to make a bra out of a plastic mold, you breast getting shoved into a shape it didn't belong in. "Lactation, technically."

"So another way you can secrete gross fluids." His tone was disdainful, but his hand was still firmly cupping your cleavage, "I should have known."

"You know everything," You replied. Truthfully you were distracted by how cold his hand was, it had your nipples working like pop up thermometers. That was the only explanation for why the could now be seen through your shirt, or at least the only one you would admit.

"There just so soft, someone could punch you and lose a hand in those things." Speaking of hands, there went his other one, right onto your other breast. "I guess you couldn't use them as air bags, the rest of you is full of hot air, anyway."

It was definitely so cold in the car. Like, so cold. That was the only reason you had, ha ha, goosebumps.

"Wow," He laughed at your unfortunately red face, "You really are pathetic. You're enjoying this."

It was one of those moments when you had to be brutally honest with yourself. You were kind of getting of to this. It wasn't you're fault you were a sucker for being insulted. It's not like you stuck around this job for the dental plan. You enjoyed getting creatively insulted. There was just something about being verbally picked apart and derided that made you shiver.

"It's 'kay." You shrugged.

"Just 'Kay'?" He asked mockingly. He cupped your chest and made eye contact with you nipples, "I could use these things as emergency glass cutters."

"They're just nipples." You point out. There's only so much to them.

Slappy stared you down, then unhesitatingly shoved one hand up your skirt, bypassing your panties entirely. "Your gross human genitals agree with me."

That they did. You were soaked as a pool, but with a better pH balance. Still, if tiny wooden dummy hands felt freaky on your boobs they felt downright petrifying on your junk. The fingers didn't really bend and it was a bit like someone grinding a weird dildo against you. At least Slappy's hand had warmed to room temperature.

Is he going to spend this entire thing insulting your vag? Probably."You seem pretty ready to grope something you think is so gross."

"I'm just curious to see what it feels like to have my hand inside someone else for a change." Didn't he just have a vaguely offensive answer for everything. Hopefully that didn't imply he planned on fisting you in a moving car. "Or I would if I didn't mind getting your dirty fluids on my cuffs."

Rude. Your fluids are totally clean, you've been tested!

There was little time to focus on the fact the Slappy kept imply you were just rife with STDs, because he wasn't fooling around anymore. Pushing aside your panties he pressed unmoving wooden fingers into you.

You were correct in comparing the feeling to a dildo earlier. It felt nothing at all like a flesh and blood appendage, unchanging as you clenched around it. You had never used a wooden dildo before, but varnished texture gave no help to lubrication, On the positive, the fact that it was a hand meant there was a thumb on the outside pressing against your clit. "So I'm the dummy now?"

"You always are." He laughed as he noticed you were tilting your hips to meet his hand, "You can't function without someone around to give you orders."

That was not a false accusation.

It was a kind of screwed up situation all around. The orders you got from Slappy were destructive towards you and humanity at large, but you carried them out gladly. You got off to getting bossed around anyway, but this was different. It made you feel so alive, like you were actually doing something that mattered for once in you life. You got to be part of something bigger than yourself, getting to help take over the world. As for Slappy, he got someone willing to bend to his every command and debase themselves for his amusement. And you surely were debased right now.

It wasn't the best you'd ever had, but Slappy's hand was grinding against you well enough. Warm pleasure made you shiver as he moved against you on a regular beat. The smug, insulting way he continued to berate you only made it better.

"You're so pathetic, I should have realised how desperate you are from the moment you asked to serve me. You know you don't do anything right, getting to work for someone who's actually successful must be a first for you."

"First time for everything!" It was hard not to be positive when you were in the middle of getting off.

"It's the first time I've had a slave so pathetic they aren't even worth wasting my time insulting. Everyone can see you're terrible."

"Haha, true." You'd gladly agree with anything just for the friction. There was something wonderfully harsh about being fingered by someone who deeply and truly thought you were terrible just for being a human being.

It was all so objectively awful and exciting. Here you were driving through the suburbs being fingerbanged and insulted by a possessed ventriloquist dummy. It was nothing made sense anymore, but you were loving it. It was like something out of a book, probably because he was from one. Except more of a kindle e-rotica. You wanted to laugh, but it came out as a giggly moan.

"What did I say about your disgusting fluids. You're getting them everywhere and I'm going to be upset if you ruin my car's upholstery."

You're not sure what he expected, sexual situations were generally pretty moist and he was the one trying to play puppet master with your junk. You just made an agreeable noise and nodded a lot.

Then, cruel fate, he stopped. "About time we got here. That was getting boring."

What?

"What?"

"We're at Stine's, slave." He replied as the car rolled to a stop.

Giving you nothing more than a smug smirk and jumped out of the car door as it popped open. When you didn't immediately follow he glared at you, "Are you coming, slave?"

"Well I was."


Author's Note:

Candelion: Thank you! No matter what I'm writing it always ends up some sort of comedy! If you have any requests for goosebumps monsters you'd like to see get this treatment, I'd love to hear!

Please read and review to tell me what you think and what else you'd like to see.